Day 264 "Happy Valentines Day"

Today is one of those made up holidays to get people to spend money.  While I don't believe in those kind of tactics I believe that people should tell those that mean something to them how they feel.  However, it doesn't need to be in the form of a card or flowers.  Writing it down on a napkin or just telling the other person is sufficient with me and costs nothing.  It shouldn't have to cost money to tell someone how you feel.

This week is my Mom's, Dad's (deceased), and little sister's birthday and I want to tell them how much I love each of them and wish them each a Happy Birthday.  I also want to wish the rest of my family a Happy Valentine's Day and let them know how much love I have for each of them.

Today my mood has been pretty even and I haven't had a lot of anxiety.  I didn't follow my diet today and really need to get back on it as my sugar numbers are much more in line when I do.

Click on picture to enlarge.

Day 261 "Bad News And Good News"

Today the bad news of the day is that I continue to feel bad.  My mood is really low and I've been thinking a lot about death.  I'm not thinking about killing myself but that some medical condition is going to kill me.  I've been thinking like this a lot lately and the anxiety along with racing thoughts I get from it drive me up the wall.  I take 3mg of Klonopin per day for anxiety and it doesn't really seem to be doing anything anymore.  I took my last 1mg of Klonopin almost two hours ago and the anxiety is still there.  In addition to all that I have a tooth that is abscessed and since I don't have insurance I go to a clinic and there are so many people that see the dentist there that can't get me in to see him for three months.  My doctor I see there gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to see if it would take away the bad pain I'm having. 

Now for the good news which I don't get much of these days.  When I was at the clinic the other day the woman who runs the front window asked me if I had an income and insurance.  When I told her no she said that I may qualify for Medicaid which has been expanded under the Affordable Care Act.  I went home and read all the material that she gave me and it looks as if I qualify which would allow medical coverage if I'm approved.  I promptly applied for coverage and am now waiting to hear back on what I need to do next.  I'm excited about this and it could be mean some good news for me.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Day 259 "Feeling Better But Still Very Down"

Today I'm feeling better physically.  I still have a couple of days until I'm back on my feet one hundred percent but I'll take the improvement.  Mentally I'm not so good and have been feeling not so good.  I don't know if it's the weather or if it's just me.  I know that I see my new psychiatrist in ten days and I have a lot I want to say.  He's going to give me an assessment and I'm looking forward to seeing what he thinks.  I'm also looking forward to seeing how he wants to handle my care.  It should be interesting.

Day 257 "This has been a rough week"

The temperatures, snow, and sickness have all been out of control the last two months and sickness finally got the best of me.  The last three days I've ha chills, fever, coughing, and sore all over.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.  I think the last time I was that sick I may have been in third or fourth grade.   In addition to feeling horrible physically I also still feel horrible mentally.  I'm just having a rough time and can't wait till I start to feel better.

Day 253 "Am I Losing My Mind?"

Today my mood has been really low.  I started a diet a little over two weeks ago and I'll do good for a few days and then I have a day where I binge eat.  I've even purged a couple of times in the last few weeks.  I live with my Mom and she buys goodies for my niece and nephew that I can't stay away from.  Then my sister is always bringing fast food to the house and I love that as well.  Additionally my cousin wants to go out to eat about once a week and it's never anything low fat.  Everybody looks at me like I'm out in left field when I say that I'm on a diet and need to follow it one hundred percent.  I hear so many times a month from my Mom, sister, and cousin what I should be doing.  They don't have a whole lot of respect for the fact that I found a diabetic diet on my own and since doing my sugar numbers have come down significantly.

In addition to trying to diet, lose some weight, and get my sugar numbers under control I'm hoping that my new psychiatrist is able to get my medications under control.  The last few weeks in addition to having a lot of anxiety and feelings of panic I've been seeing things.  Last night I saw some sort of brown colored creature in my Mom's dining room.  I've live here for forty one years and we've never had a brown animal.  The creepy thing is that I didn't just see it out of the corner of my eye, it was there.  There have been a few other incidents where I have seen things out of the corner of my eye then there gone.  In addition to being depressed, angry, and having feelings of panic I have felt like I'm being watched by something.  It's probably my imagination but I can't shake the feeling.  I'm going to tell the psychiatrist this when I see him and hope he doesn't think I'm nuts.

Day 249 "Day Started Out Bad But Ended Nice"

When I woke up this morning I was still having racing thoughts and was angry about everything.   I was able to smile and talk upbeat to my therapist but I was just really angry about a lot of things.   Why does life have to be so difficult.   Why can't it be the same for everyone.   Well' I already know the answer to that.  It would just be so nice to feel normal for once.  In any event I talked through what I was angry about with my therapist and she gave me some handouts about coping when your angry.  I'm going to read through them and see if they can help me any.

Tonight I had a really nice conversation with an old friend whom I haven't seen in a long time.  We talked for almost an hour and a half and it felt like we talked for just about fifteen minutes.  The time went so quickly.  I can't even tell you all what we talked about but it was so nice and made me feel like I have a life.  All the anger I was having earlier in the day was gone.  Oh, I forget that my friend did invite me to go to an auction next Friday night with him and his sister.  Nobody outside my family has asked me to do anything for years.  Anyway, I just felt great after our phone call and am so excited about getting together next Friday.  I'm so happy to be able to talk about my friend that I'm having a cry moment.

Day 247 "My Head Has A Lot Going On In It"

Today my mood has been low.  I don't feel like doing much or talking to anyone.  I have been having thoughts about death and feel very lethargic.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that the weather here is very cold and I'm stuck inside the house.  Maybe it's because I want to work again and can't figure out how to get a job seeing that I've been unemployed for three years now and the last job I had was making pizzas.  Let's not forget that my car has been out of commission since last May and I have no transportation unless I ask my Mom for her car.  I could also be feeling down because my weight jumped 47 pounds in less than six months because of the medications I take for bipolar even though I'm presently dieting and losing a little bit.  Lastly I can't forget that I developed diabetes in the last seven months and my glucose numbers are never consistent which is a real mood killer some days. 

I see a new psychiatrist in a few weeks and I want to unload on him about how I'm feeling and how I think my medications are working.  I'm going to take in spreadsheets to show him how I keep records.  But I want him to know that I like Lithium and think it works well for my mania.  I'm going to tell him that the Klonopin (benzodiazepine) that I've been taking for close to eight months doesn't feel like it's working because I've been feeling panicky a lot the last two and a half months.  I thought the anxiety and panic I was having were because of the holidays but they've been done for a month.  So I either want a dosage change, another benzodiazepine for the anxiety that I can take if needed, or just taper me off the drug I'm currently taking and call it a day.  Lastly I want to let him know that my depression is worse and that I feel like an increase in my Latuda may be in order.

Right now my mind is racing and I all I want to do is hide from everything.  I can't get comfortable and feel like I could lose it at any moment.  I'm hoping my new psychiatrist will be able to get me on the correct path to stability with my medications.  It's early but I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.