Day 239 "It's Nice To Have A Friend"

I got a new Windows based phone along with a new phone number in the last three months.  It's a pretty nice phone but it's a lot different to use than an Android phone or plain old cell phone.  Anyway, for the last two months I've been getting around fifteen to twenty calls a day from debt collectors.  At first I thought they were all for me because of two visits to the Emergency Room but today I decided to pick up a couple of the calls and come to find out they're for a totally different person than me.  The one debt collector tried to tell me I was past due on my car and that it was in danger of being repossessed.  I laughed and told him that my car has been paid off for eight years and currently doesn't run.  I told him repossessing it would save me the trouble of getting a junk yard out here to tow it away.  Anyway, I didn't get anymore calls the rest of the day.

I get so many of these calls that I've been ignoring my phone ringer a lot.  Well, after scrolling through all my missed calls I come to find out that I've missed two calls from someone who's been very supportive of me and I know I can call a true friend.  It makes me feel really bad that I missed talking to this person because it's been a long time since I've seen him or talked to him. He was gone for a number of years out of the state and we never really got to say goodbye.  I always wondered about him and hoped that someday we would reconnect which did happen after almost eight years.  All I know is that this friend is the kind that doesn't come around a whole lot  and I'm blessed that he wants to be a part of my life.

Today my mood has been pretty stable except for this evening.  We were babysitting my seven year old nephew and three year old niece.  They were jumping around and acting like animals for hours.  It was hard to hear yourself think.  Well, I was getting my dinner ready and just couldn't take it anymore.  They weren't listening to my Mom at all and I exploded on both of them.  I didn't raise my hand threaten anyone I just yelled at both of  them and made them go their separate ways.  They both cried and my nephew got very confrontational but I just ignored him.  He eventually calmed down and everything was all good.  I just don't know how much longer my Mom can handle doing this.  It's obvious she dislikes it and would love to get out of it.

Day 237 "A Hard Road Ahead"

Since I've last written I started my new diabetic diet.  It's been very hard for me to stick to it.  I did a lot of research and found the information I  need to know and I everyone keeps giving me diet tips and tells me I should be doing something different.  It's very frustrating for me because I feel like nobody has any confidence in me and this is the way its been my entire life it seems.  I just want to start out slow and easy and I feel such a sense of brain overload.  It makes me just want to not do it at all.  However, I'm sure I'm not the first person to go through something like this and succeed.  I just need to keep telling myself I can do this and allow myself to have slip ups.

The last few days my mood has been very low which I think has to do with me starting this new diet. I have felt so much pressure that I have binged eat on junk food twice already.  I have also just felt like all I want to do is sleep.  I have been sleeping an average of 15 hours a day.  I have just wanted to block everything out and be by myself.  I did have a hypomanic moment tonight when I road with my cousin to get a couple movies.  I started cussing at other drivers and saying the meanest things I could think of.  Again, when this happens everybody thinks it's funny but it just makes me more angry because I can't stop.  

Day 235 "Tomorrow I Start My Diet"

The last few days I've felt depressed trying to figure out how I'm going to eat on my new diabetic diet.  I was able to find a good one online that my local hospital uses and I'm all set to go.  I still feel a little bit like I might fail because of all the medications I take for my bipolar but I'm going to give this a try a see what happens. What do have to lose by trying to stay optimistic.  For the last six months I've been eating out of control and not watching my weight or calories.  I just want things to change and I feel that if I give a little effort maybe I'll get a little reward.  

I think the hardest thing for me is going to be exercising.  I have an old treadmill that I can walk on but the computer part of it doesn't work.  I also have a set of steps that I could use to exercise on and I can also just go outside and take a walk.  Going outside for a walk is what I most prefer but the weather here is crappy right now so I'm hoping Spring gets here fast with some warmer temperatures.  If anyone is reading this I hope that you can wish me some luck.

Here's a copy of the diabetic diet I'm going to follow.

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Day 233 "Tomorrow's The Day I Start Changing"

I slept last night a little bit.  It wasn't real good sleep and it was with the lights on but I did it.  I can't figure out for the life of me why I have this thing with sleeping with the lights on.  I'm going to research it and get back to you on it.  My mood today was low but I was able to cope.  I didn't have the need to run in the bedroom and go to sleep.  I just have a lot on my plate and know that I'm the only one that can change any of it.  The problem with that is that I don't know if I can handle it all.  I don't know if I have the drive to do what it takes to change.  One part of me is ready to go and the other part of me just stands there like a deer staring in to headlights. 

So tomorrow is the day I decided I was going to start changing my life.  By change I mean lose weight and get my sugar under control.  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal but I don't have anybody helping me with this.  I haven't seen a dietition because I can't afford one and I really don't have any exercise equipment.  I'm going to have to pound the pavement walking and I'm not real fond of having to do that in the middle of winter.  I could go to the park but I don't have a car of my own right now so that's out of the question.  In any event, tomorrow is the day I decided I was going to change some things in my life and I have to try the best I can because I have no other options and I just need to do this for myself.

Day 232 "In A Lot Of Pain The Last Five Days"

I haven't been on the computer the last five days because I've been in a lot of pain.  I had been to the Dentist back in October and new that I had a cavity.  I was told the earliest it could be taken care of was on New Year's Eve.  Well, I had to cancel that appointment because my Uncle had chemotherapy that same day and there was nobody to take him.  Well, I figured I would just reschedule and everything would be alright.

Five days ago out of the blue I started getting terrible pain where the cavity is.  I left it go for two days thinking it would go away.  No luck with that so I tried calling my Dentist and because I go to a clinic where a lot of poor people go, myself included, it's extremely hard to get an appointment let alone even talking talking to a live person.  Usually you are asked to leave your name, number, and birth date and they'll call you back.  Well I did that and of course nobody ever called me back so I decided to go to the local ER.  The doctor I had gave me an antibiotic for ten days, take some ibuprofen, and get an appointment with the Dentist.

Besides feeling sick and being in a lot of pain my mood has been very down.  I have been very edgy and can snap on a moments notice.  I've been very negative about myself and all I've wanted to do is be in bed.  Even right now I don't really know what the point is in me typing this because I'm going to get nothing out of it.  I just feel like everything I do is pointless.

Day 227 "The Joy Of A Pet"

All my life I've relied upon animals (dogs and cats) as friends.  I've never been married, though I was in love with a girl once.  She chose someone else and I had my heart broken.  Since then, I've relied on my friend's pets to keep me sane since I've never been able to have one of my own.  I still love Joy (my first love) but it appears that dream sailed along time ago.  I've met other women and even a few men I liked but never enough, never like her.  So, dogs and cats have kept me from going crazy.  I've been incredibly lonely most of my life, without my pet friends I don't know if I'd be alive now. 

My faith has been shaken by all the hell I've been through, the only hope I can really find is in my family of pets.  I love my family but none of them seem to get me or understand what I go through.  I don't know what I've ever done to be treated like I have been, but it's hard to trust or believe in anyone anymore.  I do my best to love people around me like the Bible speaks of.  I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can.  I just hold onto the hope that God knows my heart and will be merciful to me.  I see that hope in my pet friends, a sense of innocence that I believe is the essence of God.

Day 226 "Never Know Which Way I'm Going To Turn"

There are so many things I don't like about being bipolar.  The thing that bothers me most is that I never know which way I'm going to swing in a day.  I could have a completely normal day with no ups or downs but that seems not to happen much for me.  I'm on medication and I feel it's working but my nine times out of ten my days seem to yo yo.  I'm either hypomanic or I'm depressed.  Some days I go back and forth from being hypomanic to being depressed.

Right now I've been in a mostly depressed mood.  I want to sleep all the time and I don't want to socialize with anyone.  I've been doing a lot of stressing out about my future and where I may be down the road five years.  I just have this feeling that nothing is going to get better and it has me nuts.  However, I've also had a little bit of hypomania mixed in here and there with this.  When hypomania sets in I'm more energetic, talk more, and want to go go go.  I would have to say that all of this started around the start to the holidays.  As a result I'm going to let it ride out for a few more weeks and see how it turns out for me. 

My nurse practitioner left and right now I have no prescriber.  There's a nurse on staff that I'm supposed to get a hold of if I have some sort of problem and she will then get a hold of someone to see if they can do something for me.  I just don't want my medications changed by someone who really doesn't know me so I think it's better to be cautious.