All my life I've relied upon animals (dogs and cats) as friends. I've never been married, though I was in love with a girl once. She chose someone else and I had my heart broken. Since then, I've relied on my friend's pets to keep me sane since I've never been able to have one of my own. I still love Joy (my first love) but it appears that dream sailed along time ago. I've met other women and even a few men I liked but never enough, never like her. So, dogs and cats have kept me from going crazy. I've been incredibly lonely most of my life, without my pet friends I don't know if I'd be alive now.
My faith has been shaken by all the hell I've been through, the only hope I can really find is in my family of pets. I love my family but none of them seem to get me or understand what I go through. I don't know what I've ever done to be treated like I have been, but it's hard to trust or believe in anyone anymore. I do my best to love people around me like the Bible speaks of. I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can. I just hold onto the hope that God knows my heart and will be merciful to me. I see that hope in my pet friends, a sense of innocence that I believe is the essence of God.
I’m a 46 year old man who’s been dealing with Bipolar my entire life. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was diagnosed and this blog is my story. As you’ll see there’s been many lapses in my posting but I’m going to try and get back with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble during my lapses but I continue to remain optimistic about my bipolar hence the title Optimistic Bipolar.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Day 226 "Never Know Which Way I'm Going To Turn"
There are so many things I don't like about being bipolar. The thing that bothers me most is that I never know which way I'm going to swing in a day. I could have a completely normal day with no ups or downs but that seems not to happen much for me. I'm on medication and I feel it's working but my nine times out of ten my days seem to yo yo. I'm either hypomanic or I'm depressed. Some days I go back and forth from being hypomanic to being depressed.
Right now I've been in a mostly depressed mood. I want to sleep all the time and I don't want to socialize with anyone. I've been doing a lot of stressing out about my future and where I may be down the road five years. I just have this feeling that nothing is going to get better and it has me nuts. However, I've also had a little bit of hypomania mixed in here and there with this. When hypomania sets in I'm more energetic, talk more, and want to go go go. I would have to say that all of this started around the start to the holidays. As a result I'm going to let it ride out for a few more weeks and see how it turns out for me.
My nurse practitioner left and right now I have no prescriber. There's a nurse on staff that I'm supposed to get a hold of if I have some sort of problem and she will then get a hold of someone to see if they can do something for me. I just don't want my medications changed by someone who really doesn't know me so I think it's better to be cautious.
Right now I've been in a mostly depressed mood. I want to sleep all the time and I don't want to socialize with anyone. I've been doing a lot of stressing out about my future and where I may be down the road five years. I just have this feeling that nothing is going to get better and it has me nuts. However, I've also had a little bit of hypomania mixed in here and there with this. When hypomania sets in I'm more energetic, talk more, and want to go go go. I would have to say that all of this started around the start to the holidays. As a result I'm going to let it ride out for a few more weeks and see how it turns out for me.
My nurse practitioner left and right now I have no prescriber. There's a nurse on staff that I'm supposed to get a hold of if I have some sort of problem and she will then get a hold of someone to see if they can do something for me. I just don't want my medications changed by someone who really doesn't know me so I think it's better to be cautious.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Day 223 "Was Very Down Today"
Today was a very down day for me. I was in bed most of the day today. I slept for over sixteen hours and only got out of bed to use the bathroom. I never saw the light of day today. I wanted to get out of bed earlier but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was like something inside of me was holding me back. My mood was in a down state all day. All I thought about was the uphill battle I have to face this year with my bipolar, general health, and weight. It was all overwhelming me and by staying under the covers I could avoid it all.
Tonight, I went to my cousin's house to see if I could get out of my funk. I found out shortly after arriving that an old mutual friend of ours had died over the summer from brain cancer. She was only 43 years old. Age has nothing to do with when your times up and this reminds me that death can occur at anytime. Neither my cousin or I had seen her in over ten years but hearing of her passing brought back a flood of memories. Rest in peace Lori!
I'm going to put new sheets on my bed tonight and try and get a good night sleep. I have been sleeping on top of the same sheets for over five months now. That probably makes most people sick but I just can't bring myself to change to them on a regular basis. I try to make my bed everyday but changing the sheets is the last thing I think about doing when I have so much other stuff I need to do. I just need a change and I feel that doing this will help me sleep a little better. Goodnight to everyone and here's to a better tomorrow.
Tonight, I went to my cousin's house to see if I could get out of my funk. I found out shortly after arriving that an old mutual friend of ours had died over the summer from brain cancer. She was only 43 years old. Age has nothing to do with when your times up and this reminds me that death can occur at anytime. Neither my cousin or I had seen her in over ten years but hearing of her passing brought back a flood of memories. Rest in peace Lori!
I'm going to put new sheets on my bed tonight and try and get a good night sleep. I have been sleeping on top of the same sheets for over five months now. That probably makes most people sick but I just can't bring myself to change to them on a regular basis. I try to make my bed everyday but changing the sheets is the last thing I think about doing when I have so much other stuff I need to do. I just need a change and I feel that doing this will help me sleep a little better. Goodnight to everyone and here's to a better tomorrow.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Day 222 "Another Mixed Day"
Today has been a mixed bag of moods for me. I woke up after a bad night of sleep and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. However, I got out of bed and got dressed. I wasn't angry but I had a short fuse today with everybody. I never actually had a confrontation during the day with anyone but everybody stayed away from me which didn't bother me at all.
Now this evening I got in a screaming match with my Mom because she asked me to unhook the outside hose from the valve it was attached to avoid freezing. I don't know why I yell at her so bad sometimes but it's like something snaps inside my head when she talks to me. The only problem with that is that she supports me and makes sure I have a roof over my head. I don't know what went wrong because we really used to get along well and could talk about anything. I have a theory that I get so angry with my Mom because when I was younger she used to let me get away with whatever I wanted, would to a point lie for me, and brush over the fact that something wasn't right with me. I'm always thinking back about my past and wondering how my life would have turned out had someone tried to get me help when I was a child or teenager. Maybe I would be in a different position now and able to take care of myself. Right now I'm 41 years old and have nothing. I worry about what will happen to me if something happens to my Mom. My Mom gets by and is able to pay the bills here but she is tapped out and if something were to happen to her today everything would probably go back to the bank.
In addition to all the above I can't get myself in the mode of eating correctly. I was diagnosed with diabetes last summer and put on pills that I take before my breakfast and dinner. To make matters worse I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last six months. To say the least my sugar hasn't been stable. So I've been studying diets online and am refurbishing an old treadmill so that I can get myself back on track. I'm hoping that in the next two weeks I will be eating better and using the treadmill to get some exercise.
Now this evening I got in a screaming match with my Mom because she asked me to unhook the outside hose from the valve it was attached to avoid freezing. I don't know why I yell at her so bad sometimes but it's like something snaps inside my head when she talks to me. The only problem with that is that she supports me and makes sure I have a roof over my head. I don't know what went wrong because we really used to get along well and could talk about anything. I have a theory that I get so angry with my Mom because when I was younger she used to let me get away with whatever I wanted, would to a point lie for me, and brush over the fact that something wasn't right with me. I'm always thinking back about my past and wondering how my life would have turned out had someone tried to get me help when I was a child or teenager. Maybe I would be in a different position now and able to take care of myself. Right now I'm 41 years old and have nothing. I worry about what will happen to me if something happens to my Mom. My Mom gets by and is able to pay the bills here but she is tapped out and if something were to happen to her today everything would probably go back to the bank.
In addition to all the above I can't get myself in the mode of eating correctly. I was diagnosed with diabetes last summer and put on pills that I take before my breakfast and dinner. To make matters worse I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last six months. To say the least my sugar hasn't been stable. So I've been studying diets online and am refurbishing an old treadmill so that I can get myself back on track. I'm hoping that in the next two weeks I will be eating better and using the treadmill to get some exercise.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Day 219 "This Year Is Finally Ending"
Today my mood and anxiety has been mixed. On one hand I was excited that it's New Year's Eve and I'm able to put one of the toughest years I've ever had behind me. Then I've had all this anxiety over the fact that we're having another house full of people tonight. In addition to that I've also been stressing about my future. I'm worried that I'm going to lose my case for getting disability and that I'm never going to be able to find a job. I've screwed up so much in my past that nobody is going to want me. I would be lucky to be able to get a job working at a fast food restaurant. I wouldn't hire me. So you can see today has been mixed bag of emotions for me.
Besides myself having a bad 2013 my Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car accident. My Mom broke her pelvis and is slowly recovering getting around with a walker. My sister broke her ribs, all the tendons in her hand, and has injured her knees. Everyone else was able to walk away injury free but they all have suffered emotional trauma as a result. They all still have nightmares and think about the accident a lot.
Right after the car accident my uncle was diagnosed with stage four Esophageal Cancer. His Oncologist said that the tumor would eventually win. He's on his second round of Chemotherapy. The first round was done along with Radiation with the goal being that he would be able to swallow easier. The first round was successful in what it was supposed to do but a second CT Scan showed that he now has cancerous lesions on his liver. The goal of this new round of Chemotherapy is to slow the progression of the lesions on the liver. As of today he looks pretty good for an eighty-two year old man and hasn't had any major side effects from the chemotherapy.
A lot has happened in 2013 to my myself and my family. I have a lot of stuff going through my mind at all times and it's very hard to function some days. I don't get a whole lot of time to myself and that is something I so desperately desire. I think it would make my bipolar easier to manage but I'm doing the best I can. So I'm quietly saying goodbye to 2013 and optimistically looking forward to 2014.
Besides myself having a bad 2013 my Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car accident. My Mom broke her pelvis and is slowly recovering getting around with a walker. My sister broke her ribs, all the tendons in her hand, and has injured her knees. Everyone else was able to walk away injury free but they all have suffered emotional trauma as a result. They all still have nightmares and think about the accident a lot.
Right after the car accident my uncle was diagnosed with stage four Esophageal Cancer. His Oncologist said that the tumor would eventually win. He's on his second round of Chemotherapy. The first round was done along with Radiation with the goal being that he would be able to swallow easier. The first round was successful in what it was supposed to do but a second CT Scan showed that he now has cancerous lesions on his liver. The goal of this new round of Chemotherapy is to slow the progression of the lesions on the liver. As of today he looks pretty good for an eighty-two year old man and hasn't had any major side effects from the chemotherapy.
A lot has happened in 2013 to my myself and my family. I have a lot of stuff going through my mind at all times and it's very hard to function some days. I don't get a whole lot of time to myself and that is something I so desperately desire. I think it would make my bipolar easier to manage but I'm doing the best I can. So I'm quietly saying goodbye to 2013 and optimistically looking forward to 2014.
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