Day 109 "Today Has Been A Little Better"

Today has been a little better for me.  I was able to get up this morning without any problems.  I did however sleep this afternoon in the chair for about six hours.  I hope that doesn't screw my sleep up tonight.  Sleep is the one thing I enjoy because I can escape the realities of life.  Lately life has been really tough and I'll take any escape I can get.

Next week I start working in a group setting on mindfulness.  The idea is to be able to focus on a subject and be able to pull yourself back to that subject when the mind starts to wander.  I would imagine there is more to it than just that but that's what I was told the group is starting with.  I'm looking forward to meeting with others in a group but am also a little nervous about it.  I have a hard time being in group settings and experience a lot of anxiety.  Hopefully the entire experience will prove beneficial to me.

My uncle finally got a call from the oncologist who will be handling his cancer treatment.  His appointment is the same day as my group session but later in the day.  This is an important day because we'll find out what stage of cancer he has and have a better idea of what kind of treatment he'll receive.  I need to research questions that we need to ask this doctor.  I remember when my Dad was going through his cancer treatment that they encouraged questions and were willing to answer anything. 

Day 108 "Today Has Been A Lot Like Yesterday"

Today has been another day much like yesterday.  My speech has been slurred.  I've been tired all day.  I have felt very slow and in a fog.  I just know I can't wait till I can go to bed and just go to sleep.  I've been dreaming of doing to sleep for he last six hours.  I just feel like a zombie and can't wait for that feeling to be gone.

So today I saw my regular doctor and he put me on medication for my diabetes.  I have no problem taking the medication and am looking forward to getting my A1C number down.  My only complaint is that he wants to draw my blood in six weeks and and that if he doesn't see an improvement he may put me on insulin.  I was under the impression that an A1C number should be checked every three months to get  true reading.  I feel like had he sat down with me right after he got the results of my blood work rather than let me hang in limbo for six weeks then he could order an A1C  test for six weeks from now.  I just feel like my opinion doesn't matter and that this doctor doesn't really listen.  It's very true that when your poor you don't receive the same level of care as someone who is.

Day 107 "Another Low Flat Day"

I slept pretty good last night and only woke up twice.  I slept a total of 10 hours which for me isn't too bad at all.  I find that I function best when I sleep around ten hours.  Today my mood has been pretty flat all day.  I'm neither manic or depressed which is a good thing.  However, my flat feeling is on the low side of the bipolar spectrum.  My movements have been very slow.  My speech has been slow and I've been pretty tired.  I'm guessing its the Seroquel I take that's making me feel this way.  I so can't wait till I'm off that medication and on something else that has less side effects.

Day 106 "Today I've Been All Over The Place"

Last night I slept pretty good but was up and down a lot.  I had to be up early this morning and was able to get up but I've been very tired all day.  I took my uncle to his doctor's appointment this morning with his regular doctor and my OCD kicked in because I was very organized and asked lots of questions.  I felt very much like I was on my A game.  Then I had a period this afternoon and evening where I had a lot of rude outbursts about different people.  I said a lot of horrible things.  My anxiety hasn't been too bad today but I've also felt depressed and have cried numerous times today.  I feel OK for the most part but I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.  Finally, the most annoying part of today and actually the last week is that I'm drooling a lot which I don't know if it may have something to do with one of my medictions or is a side effect  of the Bell's Palsy I developed about two months ago.  I've read that it can take along time to fully recover from it.

I have a very busy schedule this week and am a little stressed about that.  I have to pick my nephew up from school two days.  On one day I have an appointment with my doctor and then a therapy session across town.  I'm also supposed to go to a group counseling session this week that is focusing on coping skills.  I also may be taking my uncle to meet with his initial visit with the cancer doctor.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I have an appointment with a lawyer on Saturday morning to work on my appeal for disability.  When I don't have a set schedule my anxiety goes into overdrive and it makes me irritable.  I think that may be part of the reason I've been having rude outbursts and feeling depressed but who knows for sure. 

There have been some times in the last two weeks I haven't taken my Seroquel due to the way it sedates me and slows me down. Maybe that's another reason I'm having such a tough week.  I'm pretty sure I have everything in order so far this week but I'm definitely feeling more on the depressive side of the bipolar scale with occasional hypomania.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist on Wednesday to talk about things.  For a while I felt like I was making a lot of progress and maybe I still am but I'm just having a rough time right now.

Day 105 "Hypomanic Today"

I slept again very well last night without taking Seroquel which is a good thing. Today my mood was OK most of the day but I had many instances of saying inappropriate things which made me angry because I couldn't control it.  My whole family thinks it's funny when I have these outbursts and don't understand that it upsets me a lot.  When I act like I did today I feel like I'm having a mixed episode.  I definitely need another drug to compliment the Lithium I'm on.  It just has to be a drug that will allow me to be a person and not a zombie.

Today I had lunch with my Mom, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  My uncle tried to eat his food but had to excuse himself and I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom.  The food gets lodged on the nodule in his throat and he can't do anything but throw it up.  It really worries me because the food we were eating was softer.  It just makes me wonder how big the nodule in his throat really is.  I'm going with him tomorrow to see his regular doctor to be a second set of ears and I have a bunch of questions I plan on asking.  My uncle doesn't seem to be worried about himself as much as he's worried about cleaning out his basement.  When I find out more information I will pass it on.

Day 104 "Less Stable More Depressed"

Today I have been pretty depressed all day.  I didn't take the Seroquel again last night because of how it makes me feel.  The Lithium is still doing it's job at keeping me from being manic.  The Klonopin is also helping me to sleep at night but I'm starting to feel depressed again like I did when I was just taking Lithium.  I was very emotional all day and cried on many occasions over nothing.  My car that I just got running has a gas leak so I thought it would be a good idea to get a pan and save what gas I could from it which was a painless job.  I was sobbing the entire time I messed with the car and I didn't know why.

When I took Seroquel it stopped my crying at all dosages and I even felt good some days but at all the dosages I took I was always slow.  It slowed my speech down a lot.  There were also a lot of times when I would slur my words and drool.  But I think the worst part of the drug for me is the sedation it inflicts.  I was so depressed when I was just on Lithium that for a while I didn't care that I looked and acted like a zombie.  Anyway, I know I'm still going to need a replacement medication for the depression.  I just hope that my nurse practitioner can find me something that won't have as many side effects.  I also think that as long as she doesn't mess with my Klonopin I shouldn't need anything for sleep.  However, I used to take Trazodone as needed for sleep and it had no side effects and it's also a mild anti-depressant. 

Day 103 "A Stable Day For Me"

I slept very good last night and was able to get up this morning without any problems.  Again, this is because I didn't take my Seroquel last night.  I had to be able to drive the car this afternoon and would have never been able to do it safely had I taken the Seroquel.  For me to take the Seroquel and be alert enough to operate a vehicle I would have had to take it at four in the afternoon yesterday before dinner and I've been told to take it two hours after I eat dinner.  It's just not working right for me.

I've been dwelling a lot about it lately and I hope I'm not boring anybody.  I'm one of these people that has to talk myself into making decisions and deciding I don't want to take Seroquel anymore hasn't been an easy decision at all.  It's always sedated me and made me sleep regardless of the dosage but it does help my depression.  I just didn't realize how much driving I was going to be doing and I would rather be a little depressed and alert than not depressed and really foggy.

I see my therapist this week and am going to talk to her about it.  I'm also going to talk to my nurse practitioner's nurse if she's in.  I still have two weeks before I see my nurse practitioner and I was told she's going to be on vacation.  I'm not feeling depressed or manic right now but I feel that if I keep taking the Seroquel intermittently like I have there's going to be a problem.  I started reading about medications online to educate myself and there's so many different options available that it's just very overwhelming.  I just need to be assured that whatever I'm prescribed has less side effects than the Seroquel. 

Today, I spent the afternoon looking for lawyers to help me with my disability case.  I was denied at the end of July and only have three weeks left to appeal their decision.  The first lawyer's office I called asked me what I was diagnosed with and I told the lady bipolar1.  She told me she never heard of that before.  I felt that they were probably the wrong people to represent me.  I called another firm and was interviewed over the phone for about fifteen minutes and they accepted me as a client and I have a meeting with them next Saturday.  I've had mixed emotions about whether I should appeal or not and I just decided that I should give it a try so that I can have some free time to work on myself and get stable.  Besides bipolar1, I have OCD, bulimia, recently diagnosed diabetes, as well as high blood pressure.  I plan on beating it all but if I was awarded disability it would allow me to be able to have an income I could use to pay my own way with while I'm fixing myself.