Day 12 "Thinking About The Disability Application Process"

I had an average night of sleep.  I took my Klonopin and laid in bed for around 2-3 hours before I finally fell asleep.  I did sleep ok once it worked.  Today was a pretty average day and nothing too eventful happened.  I napped for in the afternoon because I was so tired and then spent a bunch of hours on Idea Circle reading and responding to posts.  I put a post on there the other day about a site I found to help with the disability process and someone suggested that I make sure to name a representative payee to handle my benefits if I’m approved.  I had never heard of that before so of course I started doing some digging and found out that the SSA can require you to have a representative payee and that person gets your money, pays your bills, pays for your clothes, and any other necessities you may need.  I stated to my counselor that I’ve had some money issues in the past and that I’ve bought pot as well.  So according to all I read I’m going to probably be required to have someone named as a representative payee.  This really pisses me off and makes me just want to drop the whole thing.  I have been up front about everything that I’ve gone through and putting together checklists and trackers for myself to stay consistent with my treatment all because I want to be able to live on my own and take care of myself on my own.  I don’t want anyone in my business at all.  Yes, I have made some mistakes and yes I may need some help but I would like to come out of this at some point on my own.  I might have a mood disorder that causes me to have both manic and depressive states at the same time and it effects me working full time because that seems to be a trigger but I feel wholeheartedly that I can manage my finances.  My bills are pretty bad right now but that’s because I haven’t had a full time job in over two years.   I figured that there would be some sort of surprise along the way in this whole disability thing and I got it.  I’m going to have to think long and hard about even applying.  I feel like my independence is gone now and if I have to ask for an allowance to get some new clothes at Wal-Mart at age 42 or 43 that’s going to make me feel even worse.  I’m done typing for now….goodnight!

Day 11 "Good Day On Lithium"

Today was the best day I’ve had so far on Lithium.  I still have a lot of anxiety but otherwise I wasn’t angry, irritable, hypomanic, and I didn’t binge or purge.  My appetite is still increased and I feel like all I want to do is eat.  I’m going to try hard to get back to tracking what I eat on SparkPeople.com.  I’ve gained about 13 pounds in the last two weeks and it’s a little annoying.  I talked to two really good friends on the phone today and it felt good to converse with both of these friends.  Both friends know of my condition and understand what I’m going through.  Last night I was up late again and the Klonopin seemed like it never kicked in.  I do sometimes feel like I have less anxiety but I almost feel like my nightly dose could be the dose I take during the day and that my nightly dose could be doubled.  I took a whole pill at 10pm and it’s now 1am and I’m still wide awake….that’s how it is every day.  I was lying in bed but that just frustrates me so I got up and am on the computer.  I will try and go back to bed in a little bit.

Day 10 "Depressed and Sleeping A Lot"

I slept ok for the most part last night but was up until after 3 in the morning.  I was able to get up with the alarm I have set on my phone so that I could take my pills.  I have two alarms that go off everyday so that I can remember to take my pills and it’s really helping me to be consistent.  Today my energy level has been pretty low all day but I definitely don’t want to kill myself and haven’t been thinking about that at all which is great.  I think I just have to give this Lithium some time to work to be able to evaluate how it will be for me.  I’m finding that my level of irritability is starting to decrease which makes me happy.  I still do feel a little hypomanic because of the way I’ve been stressing but that too is decreasing.  I have no choice in any of this right now and must roll with the punches if I want to stay on top of my treatment and really be in charge!!!  I didn’t eat that great today but I managed to not binge and purge which I’m thankful for!!!

Day 9 "Depressed And Racing Thoughts"

Last night I got to bed pretty late, I just wasn’t tired.  It was after 4 before I went to bed.  I did manage to get up on time this morning an take my pills. My psychiatrist's nurse called and told me my thyroid is high and that my glucose was a little high as well.  I told her I had no insurance and she’s going to try and get me a doctor and put a note in my file for my therapist that I need a case worker.  I have been depressed all day because I’m scared about my health.  I just want to get better and have a normal life.  In addition to all this, my car is broke at a friend's house and she informed me that she backed in to the car this morning because she forgot it was there.  I have nothing and that car was given to me by my deceased Father.  Besides not being able to afford to fix it my friend backs in to it and says that it’s just a car.  She’s right in theory and I know that she only scraped the back bumper but if I did that to her car she would explode.  I just am having a bad week and it’s like everything that could happen is happening all at the same time.  My Mom has been much more understanding and I feel like she’s starting to understand what I’ve been going through.  I went to the drive in tonight with my cousin and I ate a ton of junk food because I’m so hungry and just depressed.  I just hope that God is looking down on me and will help me through all of this.  All of my drama isn’t much too some people but It’s very overwhelming to me.   Anyway, I’m done typing for now and will be back tomorrow night.

Day 8 On Medication

Today was an overall better day than the last few.  I did have a crappy night of sleep last night and couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me.  I went and had my first Lithium level blood draw this morning and when I got home my energy was still pretty low but kind of got better after I ate and took my pills.  I took a nap and when I woke up my energy was low again but got a little better.  I went with my Mom to my Aunt’s house so she could see her for her birthday and after being there a while I felt pretty good.  My Uncle has a bunch of old slides and I brought them home to start transferring them on to the computer.  That activity really got me excited and my level of energy was elevated for three or four hours.  I got a little mouthy about a few people in a humorous way while at my Aunt’s which made me feel like I might be a little hypomania today.  Other than all that I drank a lot of water and didn’t binge or purge today.  My car is broke and have no way of fixing it and I managed not to stress over it today.  I feel like the Klonopin is doing something but I don’t feel like it makes me drowsy when I take the whole pill.  I’m going to ask the psychiatrist if she can up the day and night time dose a little.

Day 7 "Emotions Are All Over The Place"

I had a hard time falling asleep last night again and cried for a good 45 minutes when I first went to bed.  I’m depressed but I think that I’ve been manic so long that this is the first time in many years where I’ve had a non manic kind of mindset and it’s scary to me.  Before, being on Lithium I would fluctuate back and forth between mania and depression and I was manic so much of the time that I really didn’t think about consequences or about the future.  I kind of lived in the moment but it was for the wrong reasons.  I haven’t been this emotional in a very long time.  Today has been a little bit better in terms of feeling depressed.  It was my Aunt’s 80^th birthday and me and my cousin went over to celebrate with her and my Uncle.  I got talking about with them about everything that’s going on with me and for the first time in my life I was able to explain what it feels like for me to be Bipolar which I didn’t fully understand until I started taking Lithium and the mania has stopped.  I would say that I’m somewhat manic right now but it’s mostly because I know I have a long road ahead of me to get my life together and get myself in a position so that I will be able to take care of myself on my own.  I basically have to right a bunch of wrongs so to speak.  Up to this point most all of my family has been very skeptical about the treatment I’m going through.  Nobody has really ever wanted to talk about it which has made me doubt myself so many times.  Well, today both my Aunt and Uncle told me that they were proud of me for trying to get this under control and that anytime I need to talk or if I need to get away or if I just need help that they would be there for me and all I have to do is ask.  Well, I’m sitting here blubbering because I don’t even know why.  Anyway, my diet today was so so.  I ate alright then tonight I just wanted something decadent so I ate this Hagen Daz vanilla ice cream with big chunks of caramel in it.  I ate the whole thing and there was more fat in this little container than I usually consume in two days.  However, I didn’t binge and purge which is a good thing.  Tomorrow is my first blood draw to see where what my Lithium levels are and I’m anxious to see how it turns out.  Well, today has been a little better with my depression and from here on out I’m going to try my hardest to take one day at a time. 

Day 6 "So Much Going On In My Head"

I went to bed at around 1130pm last night and fell asleep after about an hour.  I woke up several times during the night and as soon as it was light out I again woke.  After I fell back asleep this morning I slept until 1130am.  I need to get myself on a regular schedule so that I can make sure I’m taking my pills at the same time every day.  Today was another day of depression for me.  I have cried every day this week and today was no exception.  I’ve also had two instances where I thought about suicide which is something that I don’t normally do.  I’ve thought about death a lot but I’ve never had the thought to actually do it.  I feel ok in respects to that right now and am not having any thoughts like that.  I asked God to help me because I want to live.  I have so much that I want to experience out of life.  I just am feeling like a zombie and feel like there is no hope for my future.  My Mom is getting a little better about talking to me about all this but I know that it makes her uncomfortable and I tried to talk about it with my cousin and she listens but I feel like she really isn’t that interested.  I’m supposed to go for a blood draw on Monday morning to see how this Lithium is working in my system and then I’m going to call the nurse and talk to her.  I read that that people who suffer from bulimia might not benefit from Lithium as it may become toxic to them.  Well, I’m bulimic and the last week has been pretty bad.  I’ve binged and purged 5 of the last seven days.  I just want to be safe and get better.  Well, I’m going to get off here and go look at some cars on ebay, it’s the only thing that seems to calm me down at all.