Day 127 "Still Feeling Like I'm Balancing Out"

Last night I had another pretty good night of sleep.  I think I got around seven hours and was happy with that.  My mood today was OK and I had no anger.  Today was another day where I felt like I was balancing out a little.  I'm going to try and stay optimistic about it but I know there's a chance that in a few days everything could go bad again.  In the meantime I'm going to try and concentrate on my eating habits, exercising, and my daily tracking.  it's been a good month since I last tracked.  How am I going to be able to look for patterns of moods and behaviors that effect my bipolar if I don't keep track. 

The tracker I was using did the job but I needed something a little more personalized.  In addition to my mood chart I needed to keep track of problems I sometimes have so that I can identify when I'm going into a manic, depressive, or mixed episode.  Doing this will help me to come up with better coping strategies so that I can be in control.  Here is a copy of my latest tracker.

Most recent tracker.  Click picture to enlarge.

Day 126 "Starting To Balance Out"

I've been very mixed the last week or so mostly manic but some depression along with it.  Last night  I slept for eight hours and got up this morning with no problems.  This is the first good night of sleep I've had in days and it felt great.  I feel like I'm starting to balance out on the new medication and I so far there are no major side effects to report.

My overall mood today has been positive and upbeat.  I went for a ride with my cousin and did a little hiking in and area we call The Falls but is better known as Dundee Falls located in Dundee, Ohio.  Dundee Falls is a series of waterfalls both small and large connected along a by a water way surrounded by large glacier rock.  I hadn't been there in a number of tears and it was really nice to get out and actually enjoy myself. 

Dundee Falls in Dundee, Ohio.  Click picture to enlarge.

Standing in small cave behind the Falls.  Click picture to enlarge.

Tonight I feel like I've had a complete day filled with enjoyment.  Today is the first time in weeks that I've felt optimistic that I'm going to beat this horrible illness.  I just pray that my mood continues to stabilize and that I can enjoy life again.

Day 125 "Today Was A Mix Of Depression and Anger"

Last night I slept for five hours which is the longest I've slept in days.  My mood today was a mix of depression and anger.  I was very down all day and felt like crawling in a whole till I felt better.  However that wasn't an option today as I had yard work to do that I was able to get most of it down.  Also today I was ready to snap at the littlest thing and on three or four occasions I ripped in to my Mom makin us both feel bad.  Sometimes you say things you can  never take back.  I can't wait till I get a medication change  because I've been having a lot of problems and could use some e relief.  That's all I have to say for tonight and am going to bed.

Day 124 "Today Was A Mixed Day"

Last night I did not sleep well and like the last few nights ended up on the computer looking for sex.  I don' understand why when I get stressed my mind goes to sex even though I don't want it too.  However, I know it's all about immediate gratification and sex could give me that.  It's much like binging and purging in the sense that I can at like a total pig, then throw it up and feel like I got to consume everything I wanted without the calories.  However, I do know there are consequences to everything and the the consequence I suffer with most is my anger when I don't get sex or if I binge and purge.  One minute I'm happy because of what I'm doing and the next I'm angry and want to jump off a bridge.  It's a vicious cycle and I just want to get past it.

I called my nurse practitioner's nurse today and left a message for her telling her of my symptoms and I'm hoping she calls me back on Monday with good news.  Ideally I would like to up my dosage of Lithium especially since I'm on the low end of a therapeutic scale.  I don't understand why all of a sudden this hypomania has happened but and why the Lithium isn't taking care of it.  All I can say is that maybe the Abilify causes the Lithium to be a little less effective.  I'm not going to pretend to know but just wait and see what the nurse finds out.  I hope tomorrow things start to calm down.

Day 123 "More Hypomania Today"

Last night I only slept about an hour and a half.  I just couldn't stop the racing thoughts about everything and the hypersexual feelings I was having.  I spent a lot of time on the computer looking at pornography and couldn't stop even though I new it wasn't what I really wanted to be doing.  I would have much rather been in bed getting a good night sleep.

Today I have been thinking about sex all day as well as all kinds of other things.  My brain is in fast forward mode.  Bipolar coerced me on it's roller coaster of ups and downs and I can't get off.  I've also been very irritable today.  When I have times like this I easily explode on people I love and look to pick fights whenever possible.  I kept myself isolated today so that my bipolar wouldn't get in the way of anybody else.

At the beginning of this week I had a Lithium level done and got the test results back.  The results showed that I'm at the low end of a therapeutic dose.  My therapist saw the results and suggested that a higher dose of Lithium may help my hypomania.  I'm going to call my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and see if she can talk to my nurse practitioner about raising my Lithium dose.  I would talk to my nurse practitioner myself but my appointment isn't for three weeks.  I just know that I need some relief.  I'm on week number two of Abilify and I haven't had any side effects since the first week and my depression is going away.  So far this drug is working well with the Lithium and with a little bit more Lithium I might be closer to getting stable.

Day 122 "More Hypomania Plus Anger Today"

Last night a slept for a couple of hours sitting in the computer chair and have been tired all day but fired up to clean and organize.  I haven't been able to stop and have a million ideas racing through my head.  I like the rush I've been having but know that some of the hypomania I've been experiencing is not good and that is the hypersexual behavior I've been dealing with the last few days.  I have felt so impulsive and been looking for encounters on the Internet and looking at a lot of porn.  I know that all of this is part of my bipolar and I'm medicated but I just can't stop.  I talked with my therapist about this today and she told me to get a hold of my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and let her know whats going on in the hopes that my Lithium dose can be raised.  I had my Lithium levels checked this week and the results show that I'm at the low end of therapeutic right now.  I just know that I'm afraid if I don't do something now I'm going to become even more manic.

I also got the results of my A1C test today and my number was 9.2 down from 10.4 that was taken at the beginning of August.  My nurse practitioner had them check my A1C number because I take Abilify and it has the potential to cause or make diabetes worse.  I'm scheduled to get an A1C test done again on October 23rd with my regular doctor and I'm hoping I can get it down further.  I ordered a Blood Glucose Monitor and supplies all from Walmart because they have the supplies pretty cheap.  My Mom has insurance and still pays more than what I paid for less.  I have enough supplies to last me a year if I do a test every morning.  My doctor never said anything about me testing my blood but I've been advised by a number of RN's that it would be a good idea.  

So now I have to work on my diet and eating vegetables.  Eating vegetables has always been hard for me.  I have a hard time getting them down.  My cousin knows that I drink low sodium vegetable juice and suggested I use a blender or food processor and mix some other vegetable in with the vegetable juice to get a good variety.  I think that's a great idea and I'm going to be trying it.  She also suggested freezing fruit and using the food processor or blender to make make smoothies which I'm also going to try.  At this point I'll take my fruits and vegetables any way I can get them.  In addition to eating healthier and checking my sugar I ordered a nice pair of walking shoes because I'm going to start walking in the evenings.  I'm hopeful and optimistic that doing all this will help me lose some weight and drop my A1C number even farther.

Now for the anger I had today.  First off I wa very critical of everyone on the road today and said a lot of things that were horrible about other people.  I was glad that nobody was in the car  with me because they would have laughed and made me even more angry.  It makes me angry because I know it's the bipolar and when it strikes me I just can't stop.  I function best when I'm alone and not around other people.  Tonight when I first started using my Blood Glucose Monitor it wasn't working right so I took it back to Walmart thinking I could exchange and here they won't take anything back that has to do with blood.  Well, there was no sign stating that by the product and when they told me their policy I got loud, said a bunch of bad things to the girl in Customer Service, and shoved the box of the meter I was going to exchange  at her.  I basically exploded and could tell that it was the bipolar causing me to act out in this manner. 

Day 121 "More Mania And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I again didn't sleep and haven't felt tired all day.  I have been very hypersexual all day and again looking for a one night stand.  It's probably a good thing I'm nothing to look at because I would be getting in trouble right now.  At the same time I just keep getting angry and am irritable.  I just feel like I want to go but there's nowhere to go to.

I haven't tracked in over a month and I think its time I start doing it again.  Social Security called me tonight and was asking me questions about my treatment and physical impairment and I think I was a little vague.  Had I been able to look at a tracker I could have been able to be more clear with him.  I did explain to him that I have to write things down or I miss details and mix things up.  Anyway, I talked with him for about fifteen minutes and he seemed like a nice guy.  I did inform him that I have a lawyer and he hadn't got that paperwork yet.  He actually told me to give them a call tomorrow, let them know we talked, give them his fax number, and  let them know to send in some paperwork.  I hope all goes well with the my disability claim so that I can have a little time to devote to myself without distraction.