Day 288 "I Don't Know What To Do"

Today my mood has been pretty average. I haven't been too low or too high. However, I've been mildly depressed not knowing what's going to happen with my future. I've been wondering far in to my future. I mostly wonder how I'm going to be able to get a job or make SSDI work at my age to be able to have enough money when it comes time to retire. I just don't see how it's possible without some sort of windfall that I don't see happening. In terms of a job I don't ever see myself being able to ever secure anything making more than minimum wage. I have this dream that I'm able to drop all the extra weight I'm carrying and that I'll look good enough that somebody will want to hire me. Well, enough with the dreams and more prayers might just be what this optimistic bipolar needs.

Day 285 "Depressed"

Today has been a lovely day. The temperature was a lot warmer and the sun was out. It was a preview of what's to come. Me on the other hand, I was depressed all day. I could have stayed in bed all day. I wanted the day to end as fast as it started. Until I can get outsideI have a feeling I'm going to feel this way. I just need for it to be Spring and for Winter to be over. I don't know how much more of the cold I can take. I keep telling myself that I'm somehow going to get out of this state and move to a warmer climate. Anyway, I'll settle for Spring now and worry about moving out of state later.

Day 283 "Got My Tooth Pulled Today"

This morning I was really scared and full of anxiety over getting my tooth pulled. I made sure I had a Klonopin in me an hour before I left for the Dentist but that didn't work for me at all. I was really nervous as soon as I hit the door and stayed that way until I came home. Well anyway once I was in the chair the doctor numbed me twice and then just came in and started pulling until he had it out. There was some pain involved and I asked him to stop on two occasions. But he just kept going until he had it out. So it was a rough morning to say the least. I came home and took a three hour nap and then had to go and get my nephew from school. I am happy to say that I haven't had any pain or discomfort up until now. As it's getting later I'm having a little pain but nothing like I thought it would be. So I'm going to take a pain pill and relax just incase any pain starts.

Day 282 "Random Things"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part. I've been a little depressed but I think that's a result of this weather. Winter hasn't let up once since it's beginning and everyone just wants warmer weather. I don't even think I'll complain this summer when it gets into nineties. That's something I usually do a lot when it gets hot like that. Tonight my Mom took me out for dinner and we haven't done that for a long time. She wanted to get out and I needed to get out. We had nice conversation and it was nice to just sit and talk about whatever. We then went to the grocery store and did a little shopping plus I had to pick up a prescription. I usually don't do well in the store but did alright and was able to refrain from getting angry. Well, I'm now sitting around starting to think about going to bed. I had to take my uncle for his chemotherapy treatment this morning and have been up for almost fourteen hours. Plus I'm having a tooth extracted tomorrow morning. I started to have the tooth pulled last week but there was a lot of infection. The Dentist couldn't get me numb enough and when he started pulling the tooth the pain was horrible. Needless to say he sent me home with an antibiotic and we're going to try this again.

Day 278 "Today The NIcest Thing Happened"

Today my mood started out pretty low. I didn't want to get out of bed and just wanted to be a lone. Well, I couldn't stay in bed all day and just decided to get up. I automatically went to look for my Mom to see what she was doing but she wasn't home. She was with one of my siblings. Anyway after being alone for about an hour my Mom and older brother came home. I actually had a nice visit with both of them and it was nice to see my brother. After my brother left my Mom tossed this envelope across the table at me and said that it was for me. When I asked her what it was she said that my brother had given her this envelope of money at breakfast and said it was a partial payment for a cash advance my Mom had gotten him many years ago and that there would be more to come down the road. She told me she didn't know how much was in the envelope but knowing I'm trying to go through bankruptcy I could have it no strings attached. She told me she's been worried about how we were going to come up with the money to pay for my bankruptcy. So I opened the envelope and there was $1100.00 which was only $31 short of what I needed to pay for the entire bankruptcy. My Mom is an angel for the way she looks out for me. She always makes sure I have what I need. There's a lot of Mom's that would have given up on their adult sons if they were like me. I've been crying all day because I can't believe something so good happened and that I have such an unselfish Mother. Thank you Mom and I love you!

Day 274 "The Kind of Anxiety I Had Today"

Today my mood started off great. I was going to the Dentist to get a tooth pulled and thought everything would be great. I've had an infected tooth since January and have been on antibiotics several times since. Anyway the Dentist was very gentle and numbed me up but I kept telling him that my tongue wasn't numb. So after hitting me three different times with novocaine he said I was ready. He took his pliers and started pulling and twisting. I obviously didn't have all the infection out because the pain was horrible. I yelled for him to stop four or five times before he quit. He then told me that there was still infection in the tooth and that I would have to go on antibiotic and come back in a week to resume. I have to get this done and will go back but I've never shook so bad and been in so much pain. The anxiety I'm feeling about going back next week is horrible. I'm having horrible visions of what could go wrong and it just sends me over the edge. I need to figure out why I have so much anxiety and deal with it. There's all kinds of school of thought on how to deal with anxiety and make it better. Well, I think in this case the anxiety happened because of a situation beyond my control. I think the best thing for me to do is to try and forget about today with some meditation and take the new antibiotic as directed. Then when I go to the Dentist I need to do a little meditation when i'm in the chair. I think this will help me to get past the anxiety and hopefully not flip out. Another option would be for me to make sure I take my Klonopin about an hour before I go in to the office. I'm just hoping this next time around will be a success. Wish me luck!

Day 271 "The Four Agreements"

Today my mood has been still in a down state but I've managed to not let it rub off on everyone else.  I've spent a lot of time in my room today and what people don't know won't hurt them.  They don't need to know that the only thing I want to do is sleep and that I feel hopeless and worthless.  Doesn't sound like I'm "The Optimistic Bipolar" today all.  Well I found something on the Internet called "The Four Agreements" that sums up how a person faced with bipolar disorder should lead their lives and I thought it made a lot of sense and would share it with everyone.  For me, maybe it can help get back that spirit of  "The Optimistic Bipolar".



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