Day 223 "Was Very Down Today"

Today was a very down day for me.  I was in bed most of the day today.  I slept for over sixteen hours and only got out of bed to use the bathroom.  I never saw the light of day today.  I wanted to get out of bed earlier but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was like something inside of me was holding me back.  My mood was in a down state all day.  All I thought about was the uphill battle I have to face this year with my bipolar, general health, and weight.  It was all overwhelming me and by staying under the covers I could avoid it all.  

Tonight, I went to my cousin's house to see if I could get out of my funk.  I found out shortly after arriving that an old mutual friend of ours had died over the summer from brain cancer.  She was only 43 years old. Age has nothing to do with when your times up and this reminds me that death can occur at anytime.  Neither my cousin or I had seen her in over ten years but hearing of her passing brought back a flood of memories. Rest in peace Lori!  

I'm going to put new sheets on my bed tonight and try and get a good night sleep.  I have been sleeping  on top of the same sheets for over five months now.  That probably makes most people sick but I just can't bring myself to change to them on a regular basis.  I try to make my bed everyday but changing the sheets is the last thing I think about doing when I have so much other stuff I need to do.  I just need a change and I feel that doing this will help me sleep a little better.  Goodnight to everyone and here's to a better tomorrow.

Day 222 "Another Mixed Day"

Today has been a mixed bag of moods for me.  I woke up after a bad night of sleep and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  However, I got out of bed and got dressed.  I wasn't angry but I had a short fuse today with everybody.  I never actually had a confrontation during the day with anyone but everybody stayed away from me which didn't bother me at all. 

Now this evening I got in a screaming match with my Mom because she asked me to unhook the outside hose from the valve it was attached to avoid freezing.  I don't know why I yell at her so bad sometimes but it's like something snaps inside my head when she talks to me.  The only problem with that is that she supports me and makes sure I have a roof over my head.  I don't know what went wrong because we really used to get along well and could talk about anything.  I have a theory that I get so angry with my Mom because when I was younger she used to let me get away with whatever I wanted, would to a point lie for me, and brush over the fact that something wasn't right with me.  I'm always thinking back about my past and wondering how my life would have turned out had someone tried to get me help when I was a child or teenager.  Maybe I would be in a different position now and able to take care of myself.  Right now I'm 41 years old and have nothing.  I worry about what will happen to me if something happens to my Mom.  My Mom gets by and is able to pay the bills here but she is tapped out and if something were to happen to her today everything would probably go back to the bank.

In addition to all the above I can't get myself in the mode of eating correctly.  I was diagnosed with diabetes last summer and put on pills that I take before my breakfast and dinner.  To make matters worse I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last six months.  To say the least my sugar hasn't been stable.  So I've been studying diets online and am refurbishing an old treadmill so that I can get myself back on track.  I'm hoping that in the next two weeks I will be eating better and using the treadmill to get some exercise.

Day 221 "The Truth"

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Day 220 "Happy New Year"

 

May you achieve what you aspire

and may all your dreams come true!

Day 219 "This Year Is Finally Ending"

Today my mood and anxiety has been mixed.  On one hand I was excited that it's New Year's Eve and I'm able to put one of the toughest years I've ever had behind me.  Then I've had all this anxiety over the fact that we're having another house full of people tonight.  In addition to that I've also been stressing about my future.  I'm worried that I'm going to lose my case for getting disability and that I'm never going to be able to find a job.  I've screwed up so much in my past that nobody is going to want me.  I would be lucky to be able to get a job working at a fast food restaurant.  I wouldn't hire me.  So you can see today has been mixed bag of emotions for me.

Besides myself having a bad 2013 my Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car accident.  My Mom broke her pelvis and is slowly recovering getting around with a walker.  My sister broke her ribs, all the tendons in her hand, and has injured her knees.  Everyone else was able to walk away injury free but they all have suffered emotional trauma as a result.  They all still have nightmares and think about the accident a lot. 

Right after the car accident my uncle was diagnosed with stage four Esophageal Cancer.  His Oncologist said that the tumor would eventually win.  He's on his second round of Chemotherapy.  The first round was done along with Radiation with the goal being that he would be able to swallow easier.  The first round was successful in what it was supposed to do but a second CT Scan showed that he now has cancerous lesions on his liver.  The goal of this new round of Chemotherapy is to slow the progression of the lesions on the liver.  As of today he looks pretty good for an eighty-two year old man and hasn't had any major side effects from the chemotherapy.

A lot has happened in 2013 to my myself and my family.  I have a lot of stuff going through my mind at all times and it's very hard to function some days.  I don't get a whole lot of time to myself and that is something I so desperately desire.  I think it would make my bipolar easier to manage but I'm doing the best I can.  So I'm quietly saying goodbye to 2013 and optimistically looking forward to 2014.

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Day 216 "This Says It All"

I've been having an up and down day today.  One minute I feel OK and the next I have all this doubt in my head and don't know what's going to happen next.  These feelings are leaving me with a great deal of anxiety and I just want it all to go away.  I've had this miserable illness for a long time and have been trying to get it under control with medication for about seven months now and I wish that people would try and understand what bipolar disorder is and how it effects a persons brain.  I was looking around on the internet this evening and found a picture that sums it up quite well for me.

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Day 213 "Merry Christmas"

First off I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  For me it's a celebration of Jesus' birth and a time to get together with family.  This year my Mom hosted Christmas eve and put together a very nice party.  The best part of the evening for me was all the food.  My Mom made a huge ham and Romanian Cabbage Rolls (Sarmale).  She learned how to make the Cabbage Rolls from her Father who came to the United States in 1923 from Romania.  They are a tradition every Christmas and I grow to appreciate them more with each passing year.  To drink we had an awesome punch that my Grandma came up with over thirty years ago.  When I drink it I'm taken back to my childhood and the memories flood my brain. 

On Christmas eve my mood was pretty good.  I was able to socialize with pretty much everyone.  However, I still had some anxiety and tried to stay clear of the congested areas of the house.  I probably could have taken another Klonopin and been a little more relaxed.  Christmas day my mood was much better and I had a lot less anxiety.  I opened presents with my Mom then I dropped her off at my sister's house and I went and visited with my uncle, aunt, and cousin.  It was a pretty low key day.



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