Day 130 "Again, Another Bad Day"

Last night I didn't sleep real well and was up and down all night.  I was very restless and couldn't get get comfortable.  I so wish that I could get stabilized because I'll have a few good days and then a bunch of bad ones.  I so want to work some day but at this rate I don't know how I would be able to handle it.  I've even talked about owning my own business but at this point I don't know if I could be consistent enough to handle the operations.  It all makes me feel like a big piece of garbage and that's what my day has been like.

I don't know where to begin but I can tell you that today I could have easily thrown in the hat and left this world.  The only thing that keeps me from doing harm to myself is my family.  As much as I don't have any support I couldn't take my own life and leave them like that.  Plus I'm supposed to be optimistic and that believe it or not helped me through the day.

Anyway here's a list of what bugged me today to the point of  having thoughts of self harm:

• Every piece of electronic equipment I own is broken and needs fixed.
• My car is broken and I have no way to fix it unless someone helps me and that's not going to happen.
• My Mom constantly rides me about using her car saying I'm putting too much mileage on it even though it was her idea for us to share it.
• My Mom is OCD about EVERYTHING and wanted to babysit the grand kids today but once they were here she was complaining about everything they did.
• My favorite uncle is really sick and I suggested to my cousin that the doctors be questioned again about the safety of his radiation/chemotherapy and she flew off the handle at me and got hysterical. 
• I've been eating non stop all day and have eaten a lot of sugar today which I'm sure has spiked my sugar.
• I have to go for an A1C test in three weeks and I'm scared to death that my number will haven't improved and I'll be put on insulin shots which I totally am not up to doing.
• Today I started my larger dosage of Lithium and I experienced diarrhea this afternoon.
• Today I binged and purged for the first time since I first started taking medication.
• Today I've felt generally worthless and helpless to myself as well as everyone else.

So I just had to get that all off my chest and now I'm going to move on.  Sometimes it feels good to get things out in the open.  I an tell you that it's helped my anxiety which has been really high today.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try and leave all this stuff behind and start over tomorrow.  I hope and pray I can do it!

Day 129 "Another Bad Day"

Last night I slept about six hours and was able to get up fairly easy this morning.  Today I took my uncle to get the results of his PET scan for his Esophageal Cancer.  There was so much to take in and so many big words that had me puzzled.  However, I did understand when the doctor told my uncle he was stage 4 and that the cancer was not only in his esophagus but in the lymph nodes around his esophagus, in his adrenal gland, and in his stomach.  The doctor told him there was no cure for him and that the treatment would be to keep the cancer from spreading with a possibility of a remission.  My uncle keeps losing weight though and the doctor told him that he must drink nutrition (5 to 6 a day) in addition to what he can eat so that he can remain strong.  He was told if he continues to lose weight they‘ll put a feeding tube in him.  In any event he’s going to have radiation Monday through Friday for four to five weeks and one chemotherapy treatment per week during that period.  Other than that I don’t know a whole lot but will post more as I find out.

My overall mood today has been mixed.  This morning I felt depressed and really down.  I would imagine that had a lot to do with going to see the cancer doctor.  Then, in the afternoon my mood got better and seemed to stabilize.  After dinner things escalated and became hypersexual which lasted till right now.  I have been trying all night to find someone to have sex with me and I can’t stop.  The fact that I’m striking out has made me very angry

I've not really seen much about hypersexuality with other people who have bipolar disorder. I'm very curious if others here deal with hypersexuality caused by their bipolar disorder?

I deal pretty well with most of the issues that go along with being bipolar. I’m learning new coping strategies and taking a class on mindfulness that is helping me to get a grip when I’m having a manic, depressive, or mixed episode most of the times.  I’m in the early stages of the class but am learning to focus my attention on one thing at a time and realizing that sometimes I’m going to wander but that I have to get my focus back on track.  However, with the exception of when I’m depressed I seem to have a real problem with being hypersexual.

I have had sex with people whom I look back and go "what in the hell was I thinking?" And the part that really bothers me is that I can't get enough of it. But at the same time I know deep down, I need to focus my attention on something more positive but in this instance I can’t.  The more I can’t have it the angrier I get and the more manic I become almost to the point where I seem psychotic to myself.   However bad it makes me feel afterwards, it’s one of the only things that really seem to balance my moods out.  It’s a vicious cycle for me that has caused me to lose a couple of jobs and even on medication it’s difficult to sometimes function because of being hypersexual which I’ve been for over a week now.

Day 128 "Eating Was Out Of Control Today"

Today my dosage of Lithium was raised.  I'm now taking 600mg both in the morning and evening.  My nurse practitioner raised my daily dose by 300mg.  I'm hoping this dosage change will help to balance me out so that I have less hypomania.  Even though I'm feeling better I'm still very hypersexual and I want that to end.  It's something that could get me in to trouble.

My appetite today has been bad.  I've been eating everything in site and can't stop.  I don't know if it's because of the medications I'm on or if it's stress eating.  I just know that my morning glucose readings have been over 200 the last three days.  I have to do something about my diet or I'm going to end up on insulin and I just won't deal with that well at all. 

I'm going to get on the  SparkPeople  website and see about setting up a meal plan for myself.  It's the only place on the Internet that's free.  They also have trackers I can use to track my glucose readings, weight, or whatever I choose.  I feel lazy because I 've used this site before and haven't been using it since I was told I was diabetic.  I just know I have to do something NOW.  I also got my new walking shoes and need to put them to good use and hit the pavement.

Tomorrow my uncle gets the results of his Pet Scan from his Oncologist and we'll finally know what we're dealing with.  The Radiation Oncologist seemed very optimistic about him beating this cancer but I felt a little like she was giving us false hope.  I hope I'm wrong about her and I pray that these doctors can help my uncle get a couple more good years of life.

Day 127 "Still Feeling Like I'm Balancing Out"

Last night I had another pretty good night of sleep.  I think I got around seven hours and was happy with that.  My mood today was OK and I had no anger.  Today was another day where I felt like I was balancing out a little.  I'm going to try and stay optimistic about it but I know there's a chance that in a few days everything could go bad again.  In the meantime I'm going to try and concentrate on my eating habits, exercising, and my daily tracking.  it's been a good month since I last tracked.  How am I going to be able to look for patterns of moods and behaviors that effect my bipolar if I don't keep track. 

The tracker I was using did the job but I needed something a little more personalized.  In addition to my mood chart I needed to keep track of problems I sometimes have so that I can identify when I'm going into a manic, depressive, or mixed episode.  Doing this will help me to come up with better coping strategies so that I can be in control.  Here is a copy of my latest tracker.

Most recent tracker.  Click picture to enlarge.

Day 126 "Starting To Balance Out"

I've been very mixed the last week or so mostly manic but some depression along with it.  Last night  I slept for eight hours and got up this morning with no problems.  This is the first good night of sleep I've had in days and it felt great.  I feel like I'm starting to balance out on the new medication and I so far there are no major side effects to report.

My overall mood today has been positive and upbeat.  I went for a ride with my cousin and did a little hiking in and area we call The Falls but is better known as Dundee Falls located in Dundee, Ohio.  Dundee Falls is a series of waterfalls both small and large connected along a by a water way surrounded by large glacier rock.  I hadn't been there in a number of tears and it was really nice to get out and actually enjoy myself. 

Dundee Falls in Dundee, Ohio.  Click picture to enlarge.

Standing in small cave behind the Falls.  Click picture to enlarge.

Tonight I feel like I've had a complete day filled with enjoyment.  Today is the first time in weeks that I've felt optimistic that I'm going to beat this horrible illness.  I just pray that my mood continues to stabilize and that I can enjoy life again.

Day 125 "Today Was A Mix Of Depression and Anger"

Last night I slept for five hours which is the longest I've slept in days.  My mood today was a mix of depression and anger.  I was very down all day and felt like crawling in a whole till I felt better.  However that wasn't an option today as I had yard work to do that I was able to get most of it down.  Also today I was ready to snap at the littlest thing and on three or four occasions I ripped in to my Mom makin us both feel bad.  Sometimes you say things you can  never take back.  I can't wait till I get a medication change  because I've been having a lot of problems and could use some e relief.  That's all I have to say for tonight and am going to bed.

Day 124 "Today Was A Mixed Day"

Last night I did not sleep well and like the last few nights ended up on the computer looking for sex.  I don' understand why when I get stressed my mind goes to sex even though I don't want it too.  However, I know it's all about immediate gratification and sex could give me that.  It's much like binging and purging in the sense that I can at like a total pig, then throw it up and feel like I got to consume everything I wanted without the calories.  However, I do know there are consequences to everything and the the consequence I suffer with most is my anger when I don't get sex or if I binge and purge.  One minute I'm happy because of what I'm doing and the next I'm angry and want to jump off a bridge.  It's a vicious cycle and I just want to get past it.

I called my nurse practitioner's nurse today and left a message for her telling her of my symptoms and I'm hoping she calls me back on Monday with good news.  Ideally I would like to up my dosage of Lithium especially since I'm on the low end of a therapeutic scale.  I don't understand why all of a sudden this hypomania has happened but and why the Lithium isn't taking care of it.  All I can say is that maybe the Abilify causes the Lithium to be a little less effective.  I'm not going to pretend to know but just wait and see what the nurse finds out.  I hope tomorrow things start to calm down.