Day 123 "More Hypomania Today"

Last night I only slept about an hour and a half.  I just couldn't stop the racing thoughts about everything and the hypersexual feelings I was having.  I spent a lot of time on the computer looking at pornography and couldn't stop even though I new it wasn't what I really wanted to be doing.  I would have much rather been in bed getting a good night sleep.

Today I have been thinking about sex all day as well as all kinds of other things.  My brain is in fast forward mode.  Bipolar coerced me on it's roller coaster of ups and downs and I can't get off.  I've also been very irritable today.  When I have times like this I easily explode on people I love and look to pick fights whenever possible.  I kept myself isolated today so that my bipolar wouldn't get in the way of anybody else.

At the beginning of this week I had a Lithium level done and got the test results back.  The results showed that I'm at the low end of a therapeutic dose.  My therapist saw the results and suggested that a higher dose of Lithium may help my hypomania.  I'm going to call my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and see if she can talk to my nurse practitioner about raising my Lithium dose.  I would talk to my nurse practitioner myself but my appointment isn't for three weeks.  I just know that I need some relief.  I'm on week number two of Abilify and I haven't had any side effects since the first week and my depression is going away.  So far this drug is working well with the Lithium and with a little bit more Lithium I might be closer to getting stable.

Day 122 "More Hypomania Plus Anger Today"

Last night a slept for a couple of hours sitting in the computer chair and have been tired all day but fired up to clean and organize.  I haven't been able to stop and have a million ideas racing through my head.  I like the rush I've been having but know that some of the hypomania I've been experiencing is not good and that is the hypersexual behavior I've been dealing with the last few days.  I have felt so impulsive and been looking for encounters on the Internet and looking at a lot of porn.  I know that all of this is part of my bipolar and I'm medicated but I just can't stop.  I talked with my therapist about this today and she told me to get a hold of my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and let her know whats going on in the hopes that my Lithium dose can be raised.  I had my Lithium levels checked this week and the results show that I'm at the low end of therapeutic right now.  I just know that I'm afraid if I don't do something now I'm going to become even more manic.

I also got the results of my A1C test today and my number was 9.2 down from 10.4 that was taken at the beginning of August.  My nurse practitioner had them check my A1C number because I take Abilify and it has the potential to cause or make diabetes worse.  I'm scheduled to get an A1C test done again on October 23rd with my regular doctor and I'm hoping I can get it down further.  I ordered a Blood Glucose Monitor and supplies all from Walmart because they have the supplies pretty cheap.  My Mom has insurance and still pays more than what I paid for less.  I have enough supplies to last me a year if I do a test every morning.  My doctor never said anything about me testing my blood but I've been advised by a number of RN's that it would be a good idea.  

So now I have to work on my diet and eating vegetables.  Eating vegetables has always been hard for me.  I have a hard time getting them down.  My cousin knows that I drink low sodium vegetable juice and suggested I use a blender or food processor and mix some other vegetable in with the vegetable juice to get a good variety.  I think that's a great idea and I'm going to be trying it.  She also suggested freezing fruit and using the food processor or blender to make make smoothies which I'm also going to try.  At this point I'll take my fruits and vegetables any way I can get them.  In addition to eating healthier and checking my sugar I ordered a nice pair of walking shoes because I'm going to start walking in the evenings.  I'm hopeful and optimistic that doing all this will help me lose some weight and drop my A1C number even farther.

Now for the anger I had today.  First off I wa very critical of everyone on the road today and said a lot of things that were horrible about other people.  I was glad that nobody was in the car  with me because they would have laughed and made me even more angry.  It makes me angry because I know it's the bipolar and when it strikes me I just can't stop.  I function best when I'm alone and not around other people.  Tonight when I first started using my Blood Glucose Monitor it wasn't working right so I took it back to Walmart thinking I could exchange and here they won't take anything back that has to do with blood.  Well, there was no sign stating that by the product and when they told me their policy I got loud, said a bunch of bad things to the girl in Customer Service, and shoved the box of the meter I was going to exchange  at her.  I basically exploded and could tell that it was the bipolar causing me to act out in this manner. 

Day 121 "More Mania And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I again didn't sleep and haven't felt tired all day.  I have been very hypersexual all day and again looking for a one night stand.  It's probably a good thing I'm nothing to look at because I would be getting in trouble right now.  At the same time I just keep getting angry and am irritable.  I just feel like I want to go but there's nowhere to go to.

I haven't tracked in over a month and I think its time I start doing it again.  Social Security called me tonight and was asking me questions about my treatment and physical impairment and I think I was a little vague.  Had I been able to look at a tracker I could have been able to be more clear with him.  I did explain to him that I have to write things down or I miss details and mix things up.  Anyway, I talked with him for about fifteen minutes and he seemed like a nice guy.  I did inform him that I have a lawyer and he hadn't got that paperwork yet.  He actually told me to give them a call tomorrow, let them know we talked, give them his fax number, and  let them know to send in some paperwork.  I hope all goes well with the my disability claim so that I can have a little time to devote to myself without distraction.

Day 120 "Manic And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I never went to bed and stayed up all night looking at porn and trying to get a hookup for sex.  I never did find anyone to have sex with me but I cruised the Internet for over ten hours looking for some self gratification.  I haven't had feeling like that since I first started taking Lithium but for some reason Lithium didn't matter.  As the night went on I became angrier because I couldn't get any takers.  I was a little bit psycho about the whole thing.  I had three different sites I mus jumping between plus checking me email hundreds of times looking for a private message.  It just wasn't a good night and I was glad when daylight happened. 

During the day i was just really angry and mean because I hadn't slept and I felt like I could hurt someone.  When I'm like this its best for me to be alone and away from all people.  i have therapy on Wednesday and I definitely need to talk to my therapist about whats happening.  It just makes me so ashamed when all I can think about it sex.  Well, I've been up 37 hours now and I'm going to try and go to sleep.

Day 119 "Uneventful But Good"

I slept well last night and was able to get up without any trouble.  Today I felt good all day and didn't seem to have any medication side effects.  Today was the best day on Abilify I've had to date.  However, my dose goes from 2mg to 5 mg tomorrow so I may experience more side effects.  In any event today is one of the best days I've had in months and I did nothing but mess around on the computer all day and watch television.  I haven't felt like doing those activities all summer and today I was able to keep my attention focused on the television and computer without losing focus to depression.  Maybe Abilify is the drug that's going to help stabilize my bipolar along with the Lithium.  All I can do is remain optimistic by staying positive.  Bipolar is a nasty illness and it feeds off your negativity.

Day 118 "Felt Better Today"

I slept good last night and when I woke up this morning it felt like a normal Saturday.  I laid in bed an extra hour and just enjoyed the morning doing nothing.  I had no fear of death, feelings that I would never get better, or depression.  I haven't woke up on a Saturday morning and felt like that in a long time.  I'm optimistic that I'll have more days like today but I'm sure there will be bumps along the way. 

My cousin picked me up this afternoon and we rode over to her parents and visited with them.  We ended up taking my aunt for a chest x-ray because she has been doing a lot of coughing and feeling bad.  We won't know the results until she hears from her doctor.  We then went for a long drive in the country and stopped and ate at a really nice Amish restaurant.  Everything went well until my uncle ordered a big piece of ham.  He took two bites and had to go to the bathroom to throw up.  After about fifteen minutes of him being gone he returned  and within another five minutes he was back in the bathroom throwing up.  I felt really bad for him and didn't know what to say.  I just told my aunt and cousin that he should probably be drinking something to rehydrate and replace the electrolytes he loses every time he throws up.  My aunt says that he's just bring up food that's stuck in his throat but I'm sure he's also bringing up some mucus as well as liquid.  I've been told that Gatorade is good for dehydration and replacing lost electrolytes.  I'm going to get a few bottles and take them over with me on Monday when I visit him.

There were also two messages on their answering machine that my uncle had done nothing about.  The first message was from the hospital wanting to pre-register him for his Pet Scan this following Tuesday and the second was from his oncologist wanting to make a follow up appointment to go over the results of his Pet Scan.  They were clear concise messages that he should have acted on but acted like he didn't understand them.  I wonder if he doesn't understand or he is just so overwhelmed.  So far he seems so strong but who knows how he's going to be six weeks from now.  I just know that I'm going to be there for him as much as I can.  We will hopefully know more this coming week after he sees the oncologist and I will keep everyone posted.

Day 117 "Another Lousy Day"

I slept OK last night and was able to get up with no problems which is the best part about today.  I have felt off all day.  My head hasn't felt right and even though I was wide awake I still could have went back to bed.  I especially felt today like nothing in my life is ever going to improve.  I know that I may be approved for disability down the road but it's never going to be enough to live comfortably on.  I feel like I will always have to rely on others for support and that makes me so upset just to think about it.  I wish I could get my mind on a positive track because this is getting so old.  I would just like to have one day where I could relax and not worry about my future but I don't see that happening.  In any event, I'm going to now go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.