Day 73 "Communicating in a depressive state....NOT ALWAYS GOOD"

Today, I have felt depressed all day and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Being in a depressive state is horrible.  I sometimes have thoughts about death.  I have very low self esteem.  I have no hope for my future.  I 'm always really tired and can sleep for 15 to 20 hours at a time.  I also don't enjoy doing the activities I once enjoyed.  When I'm in a depressive state anger and irritability sometimes guide my thoughts.  However, the most challenging part of being in a depressive state is trying to communicate with my family, getting them to understand my needs, and the barriers I face.

I try not to communicate with my family when I'm in a depressive state because my family doesn't believe that I'm bipolar.  It's easier if I just keep it to myself.  My mother was told when I was five by a psychologist, I saw regularly, that something was wrong and she told him he was wrong and wouldn't hear it.  She acts like that today when I talk about being bipolar and doesn't want to hear it.  Sometimes she acts like I'm not in the room and walks away.  So since I live with her and am around her a lot I have to try and not talk about it especially when in a depressive state because I get really angry and end up saying lots of hurtful things which I end up feeling guilty about later.

In terms of trying to get my family to understand my needs when I'm depressed is pretty much pointless.  I can't get them to understand my needs when I'm doing good so why would I waste what little energy I have in a depressive state on trying to get them to understand my needs.  I have tried to explain on many occasions what I need to do to remain in control of my life and it always meets deaf ears.  Since I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 I have put myself on a daily schedule which helps to keep me even and my Mom and sister are always changing things up on me even though I've explained to them how it throws me off.  You would think that they would start to believe me and show a little understanding.  I guess they like all the angry hurtful things I say and do.

The barriers I face are being unemployed, having no medical insurance, and a family that refuses to see what I'm going through.  As long as I don't bring it up we can get along but as soon as the word bipolar comes out of my mouth everything goes down hill.  It hurts but I don't really care anymore what my family thinks.  The only thing that matters to me right now is getting stabilized on my medications and learning to control this illness and not let it control me.  Maybe then my family will see that everything I'm doing is for my own good.

Day 72 "Trying To Regain Some Normalcy"

If you've been following along you know that the last few days have been pretty horrible for my family as well as myself.  I've done a good job of being there for everyone but when I'm alone I've binged, purged, had thoughts of death, all at the same time which is a mixed state.  Yesterday I started on a higher dose of Seroquel which is supposed to help me sleep better, relax, and mostly work to reduce reduce my depression.  Well, today has been a little better for me.  I'm still depressed about myself and everything that happened this weekend but I seem to be in more control today which makes me feel more content.

I'm having to pick up a lot of the slack at home since my Mom is no position to do anything besides sit in a chair which is challenging but I'm managing.  I've had to make myself a daily schedule so that I don't forget to do something or do the wrong thing.  Tonight I had to do the grocery shopping and if I wouldn't have made a list it would have taken me six hours and I would have bought all the wrong things.  However, it went pretty smooth and I remained in a pretty good mood.  Tomorrow I have to get softener salt for my Mom's water softener and I have to take her to see her doctor in the afternoon.  As long as I keep myself  a schedule I think everything will work out fine. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and work in the yard after we get back from Mom's doctor appointment.  I need to mow and there are a ton of weeds that need to be pulled.  I think the yard work will do me good and help me to get my mind back on a positive track.  I also will be eating better following my diet on SparkPeople.  I didn't buy any junk food at the grocery store tonight and have no money to go and buy any so diet it is.  Once I get my diet back on track I 'm going to start getting in the habit of exercising.  I like to bike but I've thought about walking and maybe even running.  Hmmm, maybe a combination of the three would help me stick to exercising better.   I just know that I would prefer not to be on blood pressure medication and diet and exercise is the way to accomplish that.

Day 71 "Seroquel Adjustment Today"

So, as of tonight, I'm up to 600mg Seroquel xr.  I went to see my nurse practitioner/pdoc and she upped my dose because I was having mixed states the last few days.  I was binging and purging which I do when I’m manic and I was really depressed and not caring about anything all at the same time.  She left my Lithium at 900mg a day and Klonopin at 3mg per day as well.  I really like how the Klonopin takes away some of the anxiety I have but I did tell my nurse practitioner I wish I could have had something a little stronger this past weekend after getting news that My Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car crash in an intersection where many have been killed before.

Even though I wasn’t in the car accident I can’t shake the racing thoughts I’ve been having about the accident and what my Mom looked like when I first saw her in the hospital after the accident.  All I can think about is that I could have lost her.  It’s hard enough looking at your parents some days and watching the aging process but when you see your only parent laying on a back board, in a neck brace, with bruises all over them and not knowing what all is wrong, it can be very traumatic.

Anyway, I feel very conflicted about taking all these medications.  When I look down at the pills I think “god this is strong, mind-altering stuff” and I just want to stop taking all of it.  At other times I think “wow this stuff is miraculous and is helping to stabilize my bipolar so much”.  I guess I should be grateful that I live in a time where there is choices in treating bipolar.  Fifty years ago I probably would have ended up in a mental ward somewhere.  I actually had a cousin who in the 1940’s was placed in the county home due to mental illness.  Maybe he was bipolar.  

Today my mood has been very down.  I’ve thought a lot about death and dying.  All I’ve wanted to do is sleep all day and have had no hope for my future at all.  I also binged and purged this evening for the second time in less than a week.  I realize that most of this behavior has to do with everything that’s happened with my family so I’m not going to just say that my treatment isn’t working.  What I am going to conclude is that I’ve had a bad weekend, life happens, and hope the new amount of Seroquel helps.

Day 70 "Took Steps Backwards Today"

Today I feel like I'm back at day 14 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.  Today my mood has been horrible, I've had a thoughts about death, I've binged and purged, and I just want to be alone.  I have felt like a total failure all day and today bipolar has won.  Today I felt defeated in everything I attempted and the more I felt defeated the more I became both manic and depressed.

Tonight I looked at Internet porn and even could have had a hookup had I wanted one.  I became more hypersexual as the depression set in.  I think the porn and anonymous sex gives me this quick rush of adrenalin  that tramps on the depression and makes it go away for a few minutes.  It's the same thing when I binge and purge.  For those ten or so minutes when I'm binging I feel in control because I know that I'm working up to that release which is a quick rush of adrenalin.

I have coping mechanisms that I have in place for when things happen like this but today nothing worked.  There were too many variables that played against me.  My car needs fixed, I broke my $800 Nikon camera, my Mom and sister's car accident, and me having to take blood pressure medications.  It's just been a really bad weekend and all I can do is promise myself that I'll try and make tomorrow better. 

Day 69 "Today Was Horrible For My Family"

This blog is about me and my day to day  struggles with bipolar disorder.  Today my mood went from being almost stable down to being really depressed back up to almost stable again in a matter of hours.  This happened because I got a call from my cousin today that my little sister, her immediate family, and my Mom were broad sided on the passenger side by a woman who ran a red light at a dangerous intersection.  Nobody saw it coming and my sister's vehicle flipped two or three times after impact.  Everyone was taken to the Emergency Room by ambulance and my Mom and sister both had the most damage.  My sister has broken ribs and my Mom has a fractured pelvis and is very sore.  The doctor said it will be around six to eight weeks before either one of them will be back to normal. 

I did a really good job of holding myself together but am now sitting here balling.  There had to be a guardian angel in that vehicle with them today looking out for them.  Just four months ago a young man was killed at the same intersection because of someone running a red light.  I'm just glad that everyone is ok.  My family could have all suffered the same fate.  I just know that something or someone was looking out for them today and all I can say is Thank you!

My father passed away over three years ago and since he's been gone I worry horribly about my Mom.  I feel this sense of responsibility and the scene that happened today has played out countless times in my head.  The only difference is that in my head everyone dies.  I have told this to a few people and they've all told me that I need to stop trying to carry the burden for everyone else and live my own life.  This makes it even tuffer because I keep saying to myself "what if I would have beeen driving her", "what if she would have just stayed home."  All these scenarios keep going through my head but I just need to let them go and realize that GOD has a plan for each and every one of us.

Well, I'm going to sign off here and try to sleep a little.  I didn't take my Seroquel  till just about an hour ago and I hope I can fall asleep.  I'm going to have to be awake tomorrow to help my Mom when she needs it.  The poor thing is so bruised up and has a hard time getting comfortable.  They did give her some pain medication that knocked her out.  I'm thankful for that!

Day 68 "Had A Tooth Extraction And Denied SSDI Today"

Today my mood has been pretty normal all day.  I had a tooth extraction and was a little moody in the afternoon but I was in pain which I think anyone would have been.  I ate a soft diet and and had a lot of fluids and kept the extracted tooth area packed with gauze all day.  Other than that I slept all day and kept off my feet.  They gave me some mild pain medication for this but I haven't had to take it.  It just feels so good to have this tooth out that's been infected more times than I can count.  Here are the instructions I got when I was discharged to go home.



Click to enlarge.

Today, I also received notification from the Social Security Administration that both my applications for SSDI and SSI had been denied.  I looked back through my notes and it only took them 43 days from the time of application to denial.  I thought they would have required me to get a medical evaluation by one of their doctor's.  I call the lady that prescribes me my medications my psychiatrist but in reality she is a nurse practitioner.  My therapist/counselor told me she couldn't fill out the Social Security paperwork for me until I had seen her six times and three times for the nurse practitioner.  Well this next time I see my therapist/counselor it will be time number 5.  Furthermore, my nurse practitioner doesn't really want anything to do with or care why I am the way I am, she just wants to administer and monitor the medication.  I hear that you can get a copy of your records on CD and I'm going to look in to that.  I'm very curious as to what's in my file.  Here's a copy of part of the denial letter I received today.




Click to enlarge.

Day 67 "The Fire Inside"

Deep beneath my skin to the deepest part of me,
There is a fire burning, with extreme intensity.
I can feel each flame burst through my body each and every day.
Oh how I thirst for peace at night When in bed I lay.
The anger and hurt a wrath of anxiety.
It takes every whit of my vigor to be social and step out into society.
It doesn't matter where I resort Or what I may consummate,
It seems like all eyes are on me, Just waiting to gossip, or simply aggravate.
Oh gods tell them to let me be,
To live their own lives rectify their own immoralities.
How I crave to feel free,
To not harbor bad feelings and negativity,
Those which have led me to appear tainted and full of grief.

 
by Joann E.

 

I found this poem while going through some papers tonight and thought I would share with everyone.  Everyone will have their own interpretation and my thoughts were before I was being treated for my bipolar.  The fire that constantly used to burn inside of me was failure because I never finish what I started, I lost every job I had because of stupid choices, I alienated all my friends and family, and I talked to people horribly.  Sometimes I would do inappropriate things.  All of this fire ate at me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and my brain never felt rested.

 

I am now being treated with medication and therapy dealing better than I ever have and all that never ending fire has turned to optimism for me.  I have had to accept and let go a lot of my past and move on.  If I wouldn't have done that the fire would have eaten me a live.  I still have a lot of bad days and getting used to all the medications is the most horrible thing I've ever went through but in life I have to move forward and stop dwelling on the past.

 

Today my bipolar has been pretty stable for the most part.  I took all my medications as scheduled and while I'm still a little worried about my Lithium levels I know my body will tell me when there off.  I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm going to ask her if she'll send me for a blood test because of the blood pressure medication I'm now taking.  Chances are there won't have to be any adjustments but there's also that chance that the blood pressure medication has caused my Lithium levels to change.  Everyone might think I'm being OCD but it's better to be safe than sorry.