Day 70 "Took Steps Backwards Today"

Today I feel like I'm back at day 14 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.  Today my mood has been horrible, I've had a thoughts about death, I've binged and purged, and I just want to be alone.  I have felt like a total failure all day and today bipolar has won.  Today I felt defeated in everything I attempted and the more I felt defeated the more I became both manic and depressed.

Tonight I looked at Internet porn and even could have had a hookup had I wanted one.  I became more hypersexual as the depression set in.  I think the porn and anonymous sex gives me this quick rush of adrenalin  that tramps on the depression and makes it go away for a few minutes.  It's the same thing when I binge and purge.  For those ten or so minutes when I'm binging I feel in control because I know that I'm working up to that release which is a quick rush of adrenalin.

I have coping mechanisms that I have in place for when things happen like this but today nothing worked.  There were too many variables that played against me.  My car needs fixed, I broke my $800 Nikon camera, my Mom and sister's car accident, and me having to take blood pressure medications.  It's just been a really bad weekend and all I can do is promise myself that I'll try and make tomorrow better. 

Day 69 "Today Was Horrible For My Family"

This blog is about me and my day to day  struggles with bipolar disorder.  Today my mood went from being almost stable down to being really depressed back up to almost stable again in a matter of hours.  This happened because I got a call from my cousin today that my little sister, her immediate family, and my Mom were broad sided on the passenger side by a woman who ran a red light at a dangerous intersection.  Nobody saw it coming and my sister's vehicle flipped two or three times after impact.  Everyone was taken to the Emergency Room by ambulance and my Mom and sister both had the most damage.  My sister has broken ribs and my Mom has a fractured pelvis and is very sore.  The doctor said it will be around six to eight weeks before either one of them will be back to normal. 

I did a really good job of holding myself together but am now sitting here balling.  There had to be a guardian angel in that vehicle with them today looking out for them.  Just four months ago a young man was killed at the same intersection because of someone running a red light.  I'm just glad that everyone is ok.  My family could have all suffered the same fate.  I just know that something or someone was looking out for them today and all I can say is Thank you!

My father passed away over three years ago and since he's been gone I worry horribly about my Mom.  I feel this sense of responsibility and the scene that happened today has played out countless times in my head.  The only difference is that in my head everyone dies.  I have told this to a few people and they've all told me that I need to stop trying to carry the burden for everyone else and live my own life.  This makes it even tuffer because I keep saying to myself "what if I would have beeen driving her", "what if she would have just stayed home."  All these scenarios keep going through my head but I just need to let them go and realize that GOD has a plan for each and every one of us.

Well, I'm going to sign off here and try to sleep a little.  I didn't take my Seroquel  till just about an hour ago and I hope I can fall asleep.  I'm going to have to be awake tomorrow to help my Mom when she needs it.  The poor thing is so bruised up and has a hard time getting comfortable.  They did give her some pain medication that knocked her out.  I'm thankful for that!

Day 68 "Had A Tooth Extraction And Denied SSDI Today"

Today my mood has been pretty normal all day.  I had a tooth extraction and was a little moody in the afternoon but I was in pain which I think anyone would have been.  I ate a soft diet and and had a lot of fluids and kept the extracted tooth area packed with gauze all day.  Other than that I slept all day and kept off my feet.  They gave me some mild pain medication for this but I haven't had to take it.  It just feels so good to have this tooth out that's been infected more times than I can count.  Here are the instructions I got when I was discharged to go home.



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Today, I also received notification from the Social Security Administration that both my applications for SSDI and SSI had been denied.  I looked back through my notes and it only took them 43 days from the time of application to denial.  I thought they would have required me to get a medical evaluation by one of their doctor's.  I call the lady that prescribes me my medications my psychiatrist but in reality she is a nurse practitioner.  My therapist/counselor told me she couldn't fill out the Social Security paperwork for me until I had seen her six times and three times for the nurse practitioner.  Well this next time I see my therapist/counselor it will be time number 5.  Furthermore, my nurse practitioner doesn't really want anything to do with or care why I am the way I am, she just wants to administer and monitor the medication.  I hear that you can get a copy of your records on CD and I'm going to look in to that.  I'm very curious as to what's in my file.  Here's a copy of part of the denial letter I received today.




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Day 67 "The Fire Inside"

Deep beneath my skin to the deepest part of me,
There is a fire burning, with extreme intensity.
I can feel each flame burst through my body each and every day.
Oh how I thirst for peace at night When in bed I lay.
The anger and hurt a wrath of anxiety.
It takes every whit of my vigor to be social and step out into society.
It doesn't matter where I resort Or what I may consummate,
It seems like all eyes are on me, Just waiting to gossip, or simply aggravate.
Oh gods tell them to let me be,
To live their own lives rectify their own immoralities.
How I crave to feel free,
To not harbor bad feelings and negativity,
Those which have led me to appear tainted and full of grief.

 
by Joann E.

 

I found this poem while going through some papers tonight and thought I would share with everyone.  Everyone will have their own interpretation and my thoughts were before I was being treated for my bipolar.  The fire that constantly used to burn inside of me was failure because I never finish what I started, I lost every job I had because of stupid choices, I alienated all my friends and family, and I talked to people horribly.  Sometimes I would do inappropriate things.  All of this fire ate at me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and my brain never felt rested.

 

I am now being treated with medication and therapy dealing better than I ever have and all that never ending fire has turned to optimism for me.  I have had to accept and let go a lot of my past and move on.  If I wouldn't have done that the fire would have eaten me a live.  I still have a lot of bad days and getting used to all the medications is the most horrible thing I've ever went through but in life I have to move forward and stop dwelling on the past.

 

Today my bipolar has been pretty stable for the most part.  I took all my medications as scheduled and while I'm still a little worried about my Lithium levels I know my body will tell me when there off.  I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm going to ask her if she'll send me for a blood test because of the blood pressure medication I'm now taking.  Chances are there won't have to be any adjustments but there's also that chance that the blood pressure medication has caused my Lithium levels to change.  Everyone might think I'm being OCD but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Day 66 "I'm Angry Today"

So I went to the doctor this week and was very happy because I thought my life was moving in a positive direction.  My blood pressure has been a little elevated and the doctor decided to put me on blood pressure medicine to keep it down.  I told the doctor as well as gave him a list of all medications I takefor bipolar disorder and figured he would understand what that means. 

Well he decided that in addition to my daily dose of 900mg Lithium I should also take 10mg Lisonopril (Nestril) because I have elevated blood pressure.  It’s been two days since I started this ritual but every morning when I take the blood pressure medication I get really tired and feel as if I need a nap.  I can be wide awake and all of a sudden I just need to lay down.  Well I did a little bit of research on this matter and it turns out that Lisonopril can seriously cause Lithium levels to rise to toxic levels.

According to to WebMD a serious interaction may occur and cause harmful effects.  Your blood pressure medicine makes your kidneys remove extra sodium from your blood.  This decreases the amount of lithium your kidneys remove.  As a result, your blood levels of Lithium may increase and cause toxic effects.

If you experience drowsiness, tiredness, increased thirst, increased urination, weight gain, tremors, changes in your heart rate, or confusion, contact your doctor.  It may be necessary to monitor the Lithium levels in your blood more often.  Your doctor may need to adjust the dose of your medicine or change you to a different medicine for high blood pressure.  Do not start, stop, or change the dosage of any medicine before checking with your doctor first.

I feel very let down and am obviously upset.  I don’t want to end up in the hospital with Lithium toxicity and just want to be ok.  I understand that it’s a lot of work for all these doctors and nurses to be able to keep up with everything but I do feel that doctors should have a basic understanding of how psych drugs work.  I feel there’s no excuse that I should have to chase my doctor down tomorrow and Friday to try to get something other than Lisonopril or get my dosage of Lithium reduced.  I guess it's a god thing I take a drug for anxiety because I have anxiety!!

My next question is what happens if they want to reduce my Lithium?  That’s the drug I use to control my mania and if I do that am I setting myself up for manic episode.  I just don’t know what to do and wish I had someone who could just make the right decision for me.  Oh well, I don’t think that’s going to happen.  I guess we’ll just have to see how this one plays out.  I JUST NEED TO GET MY DIET UNDER CONTROL SO I DON’T NEED BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION.

Other than really being down this evening because of this medication thing, my mood has been pretty good all day.  It was best this afternoon because this morning I really just wanted to sleep and not be bothered.  I’m going to try and keep positive  about this because negativity is only going to make it worse.

Day 65 "Today Has Been Pretty Stable"

Today has been a stable day in terms of my bipolar.  I haven't been jumping all over the place and super happy but I've been pretty content and able to function.  I had an appointment with the Dentist this morning at the clinic where I now have a doctor as well.  One thing I noticed is that I think they think I'm nuts because I have bipolar which is written on the top of my chart.   I was there yesterday and today and on both occasions they kind of treated me like I was a nut case.   I can't help it when I talk fast or am anxious and I sure which people could understand that and move on.  Anyway, I'm grateful that I'm seeing a doctor and that I'm getting myself on the correct path.  

 Today was the first day of high blood pressure medicine for me and that had me a little anxious especially since my Mother of course thinks they're wrong.  She told me this morning that there's no way I need heart medicine.   Nothing like using the word heart to make me feel even more anxious about it.  I talked to my pharmacist last night and he told me to watch how I felt and check my own blood pressure because of some of the other medications I'm on.  It's all just new for me and I'm going to have to get used to it.  I think when I start eating better again I will feel even better.

Well, I'm going to practice what I preach and do something I enjoy tonight to get my mind off all the doom and gloom. I bought a tent a number of months ago and m nephew and I are going to sleep out.  He's seven years old and a little chatter box!  I'm sure he'll talk my ear off for a long time but it's nice to do something I enjoy.  To be that optimistic bipolar I have to learn to live with and manage all this stuff in my my life and not let it bother or control me.

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Day 64 "I Knew This Day Would Finally Show Up"

There's a time in your life when nothing matters. You can do what you want, act like you want, and say what you want. I was like this for along time because of my bipolar. I just didn't really worry about my health and just did what I did. Well, today that ended for me and I had a wake up call. I saw the doctor and he put me on blood pressure medicine, thyroid medicine, and he's thinking about medicine for diabetes because my numbers were a little elevated there as well. They also took blood from me today which took five different tries and did an EKG which was ok.  

I'm not surprised that any of this happened today because I knew I wasn't in the best of health. The thing that bothered me is that I kept thinking back thirty years ago when my Dad went through the same things I did. I can remember him being scared for many months and feeling depressed. After my Dad got all the tests and was put on the medication he really didn't change anything in his life. He didn't exercise and didn't change his eating habits.

Well, this is where I'm going to be different. I have this need to live and be healthy and somehow I'm going to figure it all out. There is this free website called SparkPeople.com which is the largest online diet and healthy living community with over 12 million registered members. Unlike Weight Watchers where you are budgeted so many points a day that you can spend freely. SparkPeople teaches you how to eat by presenting you with the nutrients you need to survive. I did Weight Watcher's for a while and I was eating a ton of processed food. When I switched to SparkPeople.com I started looking at the different nutrients I was inhaling and started to change. I haven't been on the site much since I started my treatment for bipolar I'm going to change that and get back with it especially since it's free and has much the same information as Weight Watchers.

Today my bipolar started out in the normal range because I was excited about going to the doctor but as the visit approached I became a little more depressed and just didn't want to go. I wanted to hide from the truth but that's what I always seem to do so I just decided to go with it and it happened. I have to take a few more pills now but maybe I can lose some more weight and not have to take those pills. The way I see it, the choice is mine!