Day 52 "Felt Really Tired All Day!"

Hello All, It is a really warm Wednesday here in Ohio and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I got into bed around 3am this morning and ended up sleeping until a little after 5 in the afternoon.  I did manage to get my pills this morning but if I wouldn't have had an alarm set I would've been screwed.  However, I did forget to take my Klonopin this afternoon and it didn't hit me until late in the evening when my head started to hurt.  I was having a little bit of withdrawal from the Klonopin.  So I took it and within an hour I was fine. 

Years ago while in a manic phase I got hooked on Xanax bars and bought like a hundred of them  and was breaking them in half to take for sleep.  Well, after about five months I just decided to quit because I had built up a tolerance.   I went through the most horrible withdrawal ever.  My body ached, I had brain zaps, and I had the most horrible anxiety ever.  I thought I was going to die. I got on the Internet and and after reading about benzodiazapines I learned that you have to taper off them.  So, I bought a bunch more of the bars and begin a tapering off that lasted about two months.  Anyway, I promised myself I would never abuse a benzodiazapine again.

In any event, it's getting late and I'm just plain tired, Goodnight!

Day 51 "Dreamed About My Deceased Father Today"

I went to bed last night a little after 1am and besides getting up to take pills and eat a little bit with them, I ended up sleeping for 14 hours.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and that’s where I felt most comfortable.  My speech has been slow today and I have felt a little uneasy on my feet. 

This week will be two months since medication began for my Bipolar1 and I anticipate there will be more changes.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.  Today when I was sleeping I dreamed my deceased Father came in my room and knocked everything down off the wall where he had hung some shelves and then handed me some drafting tools and left.  He wasn’t angry but I didn’t know what the purpose of that was. 

Anyway, I just wanted to make note of it.  Since starting to take Serequel XR 300mg nightly I have had a lot of vivid dreams that seem to make no sense.  Anyway I’m going to sign off for now and relax a little before bed.

Day 50 "Mixed Bag Kind Of Day AGAIN"

Today I woke up at 8am and took my pills, ate a light breakfast, drank some water and went back to bed.  I was really groggy and needed the sleep.  I woke up in the afternoon around 2 and was still a little groggy but I was more irritable and angry.  I argued with my seven year old nephew for over an hour about what he was watching on television.  I finally walked away because it wasn’t worth arguing with a seven year old and it was just making me angrier. 

In the evening I was just pissed off at the world about what, I don’t know.  I felt depressed, angry, ready to unload, slowed down, and I felt like my future was hopeless.  However, even though I felt like that I got on a kick of scanning my Mom and Grandma’s old recipes in the computer and I got on a mini high.  I was motivated, creative, had more energy, and my thoughts were racing about what I could do with all the family information I’ve been recording.  However, I was still depressed, angry, anxious, felt like my future was hopeless.  It was a head struggle kind of night.  I’m not really sure what I was.  I just wish it could have been normal.  Anyway, I’m done for tonight, going to try and watch a little television, and go to bed.

Day 49 "Third Bed Wetting Accident Since Starting Medications"

Today started out not all that bad however, I did wet the bed again which makes three times in the last month.  I only slept 9 hours last night which is a decrease from what I had been doing.  When I actually got up I was just a little groggy and maybe a little down which I can cope with. 

In the afternoon, my cousin wanted to go for a walk and I was cool with that.  I felt empowered to actually get out of the house and so something.  On the other hand I was angry and very irritable this afternoon.  I saw the stuff on television about that Zimmerman guy that shot the black kid and it just pissed me off.  It wasn’t about if he was guilty or innocent it was just the way the media puts their spin on everything. 

I ended up having an outburst saying a bunch of nasty things about some people.  I felt manic but     at the same time I felt depressed and very slow.  My speech was a little slurred.  I felt like I couldn’t even concentrate.  I also felt like I had some short term memory loss today as well as before.  I go to say or do something and I completely forget for  few minutes what it was I was looking for or going to say. 

After all this my cousin and I walked for 45 minutes which felt good.  After we got back, I took a nap for about two hours then drove over to my cousin's house.  I hadn’t been to her house in about two weeks and I wanted to see one of her cats I'm really close with.  This little cat treats me different than she does other people and is very affectionate.  It felt so good to see her and pet her.  As I was lying on the bed she walked all over me and kept giving me rubs and purring.  She purred a lot and made me feel so good.  I can honestly say that I had a really nice time.  I felt like I was on top of the world and I felt like I had purpose.   When I got home I watered all my Mom’s flowers.  Now, I’m sitting here typing this crying.  I’ll call them happy tears!

Day 48 "Today Was All Over The Place"

I went to bed crying and felt worthless.  I kind of felt like what’s the point in living.  I wasn’t going to kill myself but there have been a lot of times the past month that I’ve had those thoughts.  I went to bed at 4 am and cried myself to sleep.  I really wanted to be near my Dad.  He had a knack for accepting whatever I put in front of him good or bad.  His death taught me how to be a better person and really try to do the best you can do. 

Well, I woke up at about 11 this morning made something to eat and then went outside to weed the yard.  I was ok but I moved very slowly, was irritable, very tired, and I hurt all over.  I laid down for a nap around 3 and got up at 6.  After dinner I helped again in the yard and this time I wanted to get things done and did a lot.  I was very sore, irritable, and having a hard time concentrating.  Along with that I was thinking a lot about sex and really was hypersexual.   I didn’t place any ads but I did look through the personals on Craigslist for like two hours ready to go if I could find someone. It’s 1130 and I’m going to get off here and head to bed.  That’s probably the best place for me.

Day 47 "Another Day Of Depression Is With Me"

Today was better towards the end of the day. I had decreased appetite. Nothing major to report. I felt like I did sleep the day away today. I did manage to get up and take pills when I needed to but other than that I enjoyed being in my bed. My sister and brother in law are coming over tomorrow to do yard work and I’m a little pissed off about it. I know I haven’t been able to keep up with things but instead of asking or consulting me about any of it my Mom and sister come up with a plan. My brother in law can’t stand me and I just have this problem with him coming into my yard and messing around with anything. I don’t know why I feel like this but I do. 

I have nothing and this is the only territory I can claim as part mine and I feel like he’s invading my space. When my Dad was still living this would have never happened. He may not have liked what I did or didn’t do but he would have never let my brother in law step in EVER. My Mom doesn’t understand and I don’t understand how to convey to her how I feel. I’m just so over everything and told my Mom that I can’t wait till I can get some money together and get my own place where I can make the rules. 

I feel like my life is a complete failure in general. I can’t work a regular job and have to take pills which make me feel lifeless and now an activity that I’m trying to do because I once enjoyed it is getting to the hands of my brother in law. I don’t know why but tonight has been a not so good night. I feel agitated, angry, depressed, very slow, and crying a lot. Please God, help me to over come this.

Day 46 "Depression Lightened Up In Evening"

Again like yesterday, today was better towards the end of the day.  I had decreased appetite.  Nothing major to report.  I did sleep a lot today and I could have slept the day away.  I only slept fifteen hours today compared to nineteen yesterday.