Day 219 "This Year Is Finally Ending"

Today my mood and anxiety has been mixed.  On one hand I was excited that it's New Year's Eve and I'm able to put one of the toughest years I've ever had behind me.  Then I've had all this anxiety over the fact that we're having another house full of people tonight.  In addition to that I've also been stressing about my future.  I'm worried that I'm going to lose my case for getting disability and that I'm never going to be able to find a job.  I've screwed up so much in my past that nobody is going to want me.  I would be lucky to be able to get a job working at a fast food restaurant.  I wouldn't hire me.  So you can see today has been mixed bag of emotions for me.

Besides myself having a bad 2013 my Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car accident.  My Mom broke her pelvis and is slowly recovering getting around with a walker.  My sister broke her ribs, all the tendons in her hand, and has injured her knees.  Everyone else was able to walk away injury free but they all have suffered emotional trauma as a result.  They all still have nightmares and think about the accident a lot. 

Right after the car accident my uncle was diagnosed with stage four Esophageal Cancer.  His Oncologist said that the tumor would eventually win.  He's on his second round of Chemotherapy.  The first round was done along with Radiation with the goal being that he would be able to swallow easier.  The first round was successful in what it was supposed to do but a second CT Scan showed that he now has cancerous lesions on his liver.  The goal of this new round of Chemotherapy is to slow the progression of the lesions on the liver.  As of today he looks pretty good for an eighty-two year old man and hasn't had any major side effects from the chemotherapy.

A lot has happened in 2013 to my myself and my family.  I have a lot of stuff going through my mind at all times and it's very hard to function some days.  I don't get a whole lot of time to myself and that is something I so desperately desire.  I think it would make my bipolar easier to manage but I'm doing the best I can.  So I'm quietly saying goodbye to 2013 and optimistically looking forward to 2014.

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Day 216 "This Says It All"

I've been having an up and down day today.  One minute I feel OK and the next I have all this doubt in my head and don't know what's going to happen next.  These feelings are leaving me with a great deal of anxiety and I just want it all to go away.  I've had this miserable illness for a long time and have been trying to get it under control with medication for about seven months now and I wish that people would try and understand what bipolar disorder is and how it effects a persons brain.  I was looking around on the internet this evening and found a picture that sums it up quite well for me.

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Day 213 "Merry Christmas"

First off I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  For me it's a celebration of Jesus' birth and a time to get together with family.  This year my Mom hosted Christmas eve and put together a very nice party.  The best part of the evening for me was all the food.  My Mom made a huge ham and Romanian Cabbage Rolls (Sarmale).  She learned how to make the Cabbage Rolls from her Father who came to the United States in 1923 from Romania.  They are a tradition every Christmas and I grow to appreciate them more with each passing year.  To drink we had an awesome punch that my Grandma came up with over thirty years ago.  When I drink it I'm taken back to my childhood and the memories flood my brain. 

On Christmas eve my mood was pretty good.  I was able to socialize with pretty much everyone.  However, I still had some anxiety and tried to stay clear of the congested areas of the house.  I probably could have taken another Klonopin and been a little more relaxed.  Christmas day my mood was much better and I had a lot less anxiety.  I opened presents with my Mom then I dropped her off at my sister's house and I went and visited with my uncle, aunt, and cousin.  It was a pretty low key day.



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Day 203 "A lot Going On This Week"

I'm trying really hard to get myself back in the habit of writing everyday.  It did me a lot of good and helped me get through each day.  It helped me to be more consistent with tracking my bipolar symptoms and eating better.  However, I'm slowly getting back in the habit and plan on being on a daily posting schedule by New Years Day.  I also am looking to add a little more photography in the blog to make it more interesting plus that would give me a reason to start using my camera again which is something I used to do all the time.

Today has been an average day for me.  I've been staying up and watching a lot of the Christmas movies that are on all night and have messed up my sleep schedule.  The Christmas movies are all generally the same but the give me a sense of comfort that I lack this time of year.  In any event, I got up late today and sat around.  I wasn't angry but was a little depressed.  I'm trying to remain optimistic that everything is going to get better but its hard for me.  I've isolated myself from a lot of people and don't have a huge support system.  My car is also still broke and the only transportation I have is my Mom's car and she's funny about it leaving the house.  Also, since I've been on medications for the bipolar my urge to drive has decreased dramatically.  It all just upsets me and I'm praying and hoping that 2014 is a better year for myself which I hope doesn't sound selfish.

This week my ability to cope is going to be tested a lot.  Tomorrow I have to drive my Mom to her physical therapy then drive across tow to pick up my nephew from school and then drop him off with my Mom and take my Uncle across town to his doctor's appointment.  It doesn't sound like much but the way its all spaced out I will be running from breakfast to dinner.  On Tuesday I have to be up at 5 in the morning so that I can be at my Uncle's house on the other side of town by 7:30 to get him to his new round of chemotherapy that is supposed to take three to four hours.  Usually there's an hour wait once we get to the hospital because there's so many people waiting on chemotherapy and they only have so much room.  After his chemotherapy I have to drive him back home then pick up me nephew from school which consists of sitting in a parent pick up line for almost an hour before he's dismissed.  I then have a therapy session the following day along with my Mom's physical therapy, and picking up my nephew from school.  Then the rest of the week it's just helping my Mom babysit my sister's kids.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining I just feel very bogged down.  I want to help everybody but it stresses me out a lot and gives me a lot of anxiety.  I was looking at my hair tonight and it used to be dark brown.  In the last year I've lost a lot of my color and am going gray fast.  I'm going to try and cope with this week as best as I can hopefully all will go well.

Day 197 "A Lot Going On In My Head"

It's been eleven days since I last posted and I really don't feel like posting now.  However, if I talk about what's going on in my life maybe I'll feel better about things.  Since Thanksgiving I've been functioning about half.  I have been staying up late and sleeping the days away.  I have no holiday spirit and just want January to get here.  I haven't had a whole lot to say and have been very quiet.  My mood today has been much the same and I've had no energy to do anything.  I had to pick my nephew up from school today and I was so stressed because of having to do something.  The anxiety was so bad that I wasn't sure I would make it to his school.  I just wanted to stop the car and not move. 

So I was prescribed Latuda 20mg. two times per day which is a newer anti-psychotic.  I was told that this drug had a lesser chance of causing weight gain or diabetes.  Since starting this drug I've gained another fifteen pounds, my sugar numbers have been up, and I've been experiencing some blurry vision.  This is very distressing to me.  They want to give me a medication for depression but the medications side effects are causing me to feel more anxiety and depressed.  As a result, I stopped taking the Latuda and my weight gain has slowed down, my blood sugar numbers are improving, and my vision isn't blurry.  The downside has been that my depression hasn't changed and while I wish I wasn't feeling so down I'm willing to deal with it if I'm not having a bunch of drug side effects. 

So I've been going back and forth for the last few weeks about messing with my treatment plan.  I made a pledge that I would do whatever my nurse practitioner said I should do.  I've tried explaining to her that these side effects give me a lot of anxiety but she insists I should take these pills.  I've made the decision that for now I'm going to do what I need to do for my well being.