Day 35 "Tonight I Start Larger Dose Of Seroquel"

Last night I went to bed at 1am and slept till 11am this morning.  I slept pretty sound which was a good thing.  Tonight I start the 300mg XR Seroquel.  I’m sure it’s going to hit me like a freight train and that I’m not looking forward to.  It’s like being drunk but worse.  I’ve smoked marijuana before and have NEVER felt like I do when I take these prescribed drugs.  However, I will give it some time to see how I actually feel in a month or two. 

I just don’t like all the side effects these medications have.  It’s enough to make someone who doesn’t have anxiety develop it.  Anyway, today I spent most of my time in bed.  I can’t seem to stand for long periods of time because I get uneasy on my feet and if I sit for long periods of time I get Charlie horses (cramping) in my toes, feet, legs, and hips.  I can’t say that I was majorly depressed today but a lot of that was probably due to the amount of medications I now take. 

Day 34 "Had a Good Hypomanic Night"

I didn’t sleep at all last night and was up the entire night working on paperwork for the DDA for my disability claim.  I just couldn’t stop and finally finished and had the required paperwork back in the mail at a little after 11am.  I had taken a Seroquel on Friday night and I never felt it at all.  I just knew I wanted to get the paperwork done and I did. 

I then took a three hour nap and then went to a family member's birthday party.  I was really tired, irritable, and angry with everyone.  I don’t like being around people and when I 'm in that kind of mood because it just give me the creeps.  I don’t know what to say to anyone and I always feel like everyone is watching me.  It all makes my skin crawl.  Anyway, I came home took my Seroquel and was out in about two hours.

Day 33 "Mildly Depressed Today"

Toda was an ok day.  I was just mildly depressed all day and kind of in a blah kind of mood.  The tiredness I first had when I took the Seroquel has decreased.  However, on Sunday night I jump to 300mg and I bet it’s going to hit me like a freight train.  All of these drugs I feel are just sedating me in to this whole other person that I don’t know.  Maybe I was out of control and had lots of mood swings but I wish I could feel like that same person just minus the anger and mood swings.  Before I was on a roller coaster going nonstop and now I’m like a zombie.

Day 32 "Today I Was Like a Zombie"

I felt the Seroquel about 3.5 hours after taking it last night and I had to go to bed.  I did notice that I craved food and I did eat a little before going to bed.  Tonight I’m just going to bed and that’s it.   I was successful today in tracking my food intake and sort of keeping on my diet.  The next step for me is to consume more vegetables. 

Today I got out of bed but all I did was sit in a chair where I was in and out of it all day.  It was another day of being somewhat low but most of my symptoms of being low today were because I was just so groggy all day.  My cousin came over this evening and we went on a ride and for the first time in a long time I kind of enjoyed myself.  So I would have to say that I had a stable evening tonight and it felt good.  Tomorrow is another day and I’m going to just go with the flow and see what happens. 

Day 31 "First Day On Seroquel"

Today started out about the same as yesterday.  I was depressed but had some anger and was a little irritable.  I went to see my psychiatrist and she upped my Klonopins to 3mg a day, left my Lithium alone, and started me on Seroquel XR 150mg that will go to 300 mg after four days. 

 
She said the Seroquel works well with the Lithium and that I needed the upped dose of Klonopin for anxiety.   However, she did say that if I felt I didn’t need that much Klonopin I could skip a dose or just take half.  I think I’m going to try and add just .5 more mg at first and see how I do on that for a few weeks.  Sometimes less is more and I will just have to wait and see. 

So I took the Seroquel about an hour ago and I’m starting to feel a little bit different.  I would imagine in the next hour or so I will be tired enough for bed.  I’m getting back on track with my diet tomorrow and going to walk with my sister in the morning.  I’m going to try and not gain weight on the Seroquel and I already know I can do well on my diet so it’s going to be a challenge but I want to get this under control period the end and have to do whatever.

Day 30 "Today I Was A Little Hypomanic"

I fell asleep around 5am this morning and I could tell because it was light out.  Anyway I got up at 10 this morning and took my AM pills then and decided to bump my PM pills to 8pm instead of 6pm.  I have a theory that I not being an early morning type of person could have something to do with the way I’ve been sleeping.  Anyway, I’ve been up since 10am and haven’t napped today which is the first time in weeks that I haven’t. 

I have been anxious all day having racing thoughts about how I’m going to ever be able to survive the rest of my life. I’ve also been thinking a lot about wanting to go back to work but knowing that I can’t for a while and if I get the chance to again who will ever hire me.  I started out in a very low state this morning when I first got up.  I felt very weak and wasn’t motivated and just felt really down. 

After lunch I still felt the same but I felt a little more motivated to make some phone calls and do some things I needed to do.  At the same time, I was feeling a little hypomanic and was irritable, didn’t need to sleep, and felt a little more self confidence in myself because of the phone calls I had made and things I had accomplished.  So the only bad part about the hypomania was the anger and irritability.  I can sometimes strike like a snake with no notice. 

Anyway, this evening I felt the best that I’ve felt in days.  I still felt really weak and still had racing thoughts about my future and a little depression but I didn’t feel like death.  I really never understood how bad my bipolar was till the mania stopped.  Tomorrow is my appointment with my psychiatrist and I’m going to ask her about her thoughts on keeping me on the Klonopin for a while longer or indefinitely, maybe trying a different benzo all together, my Lithium level, and possibly something for sleep.

Day 29 "Wet The Bed This Morning"

I woke up at 745 this morning to a wet bed.  I have only wet the bed one time since I was fifteen years old and that was when I had pneumonia in 1995 which was horrible.  I took the sheet of f the bed and got a large tell to sop up the wet spot.  I then took my morning pills with a glass of milk and went back to bed.  I woke up several times during the day but couldn’t get out of bed nor did I want to. 

I had dreams about my first job at K*B Toys and when my store was closing.  In the dream my boss   showed up and took control of the situation, fired a couple of people, and we worked on getting the store ready for closing.  It wasn’t a bad dream at all but was very vivid and real.  It was just the total opposite of the way things happened in real life. 

 Anyway, when I decided I could get out of bed I put my glasses on and it was after 6pm.  I got up and my Mom was just getting home from going to the grocery store.  We went and had some dinner and again like yesterday I feel a little off today.  I ache all over and I’m depressed.  It’s tiresome for me to be typing right now but I need to be able to recall my symptoms when I see my psychiatrist this week. 

I think it’s nice that my severe mania has stopped but I still have a lot of anxiety, depression, and some hypomania and it all happens at the same time.  I’ve done some reading and there are some people that say that Lithium is not the best course of action for Bipolar mixed episodes.  Anyway, I’m really tired and aching all over and need to get off here now.