Day 297 "Had A Good Day And Hoping For More"

Today my mood has been level and that has felt very good. My temper has also been level today. I’m not saying today was perfect but it’s days like today that make me feel more optimistic about my future and how it’s going to play out. I want to be able to work again someday and it’s days like today that I feel it will happen again for me. I’m just going to have to make sure that I continue to follow my treatment plan and that I don’t get mixed up with the wrong kind of people. However, it would be nice to have a friend or two. Somebody or maybe a few people I could confide in. Right now I have one good friend but we are always playing phone tag. I’m hoping this summer we can connect. All in all today has been a good day and I hope that I can have more positive days like this.

Day 295 "Worrying A Lot About Everything"

Today my mood hasn't been that horrible and my temper has been alright as well. I did get a little short with my nephew and niece this evening because they're constantly jumping around and it gives me motion sickness. Other than that today has been one of those days where I just have worried about everything. I mostly worried how I'm going to be able to find a job if I my Disability claim is denied. I've been out of work for over three years and the job outlook for the long term unemployed is horrible. Even if I'm awarded Disability I worry that it won't be enough to take care of me. So you can see, I've just had one of those days where I just worried all day. I need to start thinking more positive thoughts and stay optimistic that something good will come my way.

Day 290 "Why I Am The Way I Am?"

Today my mood hasn't been rotten and I've been just on the low side. I haven't been mean or exploded at anyone as well. I've just wanted to be quiet all day and not do anything. Part of that has to do with the fact that after a spring like day yesterday winter made a comeback today. The cold just sends me over the edge and makes me feel even more depressed than I am. I can't wait till summer when I can sit outside early in the morning and late at night and enjoy the fresh air. I wonder why I am the way I am and why I've turned out the way I have. I think about it all the time and can't come up with an answer. I want so much to be normal like everyone else but it's like something went wrong somewhere. At the rate I'm going I'll never be able to support myself and it's the worst feeling a middle aged man can have. I just keep thinking that there's something out there for me and that I I'll someday find it so that I can finally get a taste of the American dream.

Day 288 "I Don't Know What To Do"

Today my mood has been pretty average. I haven't been too low or too high. However, I've been mildly depressed not knowing what's going to happen with my future. I've been wondering far in to my future. I mostly wonder how I'm going to be able to get a job or make SSDI work at my age to be able to have enough money when it comes time to retire. I just don't see how it's possible without some sort of windfall that I don't see happening. In terms of a job I don't ever see myself being able to ever secure anything making more than minimum wage. I have this dream that I'm able to drop all the extra weight I'm carrying and that I'll look good enough that somebody will want to hire me. Well, enough with the dreams and more prayers might just be what this optimistic bipolar needs.

Day 285 "Depressed"

Today has been a lovely day. The temperature was a lot warmer and the sun was out. It was a preview of what's to come. Me on the other hand, I was depressed all day. I could have stayed in bed all day. I wanted the day to end as fast as it started. Until I can get outsideI have a feeling I'm going to feel this way. I just need for it to be Spring and for Winter to be over. I don't know how much more of the cold I can take. I keep telling myself that I'm somehow going to get out of this state and move to a warmer climate. Anyway, I'll settle for Spring now and worry about moving out of state later.

Day 283 "Got My Tooth Pulled Today"

This morning I was really scared and full of anxiety over getting my tooth pulled. I made sure I had a Klonopin in me an hour before I left for the Dentist but that didn't work for me at all. I was really nervous as soon as I hit the door and stayed that way until I came home. Well anyway once I was in the chair the doctor numbed me twice and then just came in and started pulling until he had it out. There was some pain involved and I asked him to stop on two occasions. But he just kept going until he had it out. So it was a rough morning to say the least. I came home and took a three hour nap and then had to go and get my nephew from school. I am happy to say that I haven't had any pain or discomfort up until now. As it's getting later I'm having a little pain but nothing like I thought it would be. So I'm going to take a pain pill and relax just incase any pain starts.

Day 282 "Random Things"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part. I've been a little depressed but I think that's a result of this weather. Winter hasn't let up once since it's beginning and everyone just wants warmer weather. I don't even think I'll complain this summer when it gets into nineties. That's something I usually do a lot when it gets hot like that. Tonight my Mom took me out for dinner and we haven't done that for a long time. She wanted to get out and I needed to get out. We had nice conversation and it was nice to just sit and talk about whatever. We then went to the grocery store and did a little shopping plus I had to pick up a prescription. I usually don't do well in the store but did alright and was able to refrain from getting angry. Well, I'm now sitting around starting to think about going to bed. I had to take my uncle for his chemotherapy treatment this morning and have been up for almost fourteen hours. Plus I'm having a tooth extracted tomorrow morning. I started to have the tooth pulled last week but there was a lot of infection. The Dentist couldn't get me numb enough and when he started pulling the tooth the pain was horrible. Needless to say he sent me home with an antibiotic and we're going to try this again.