Day 141 "Not Feeling Great Today"

Today has been a weird day for me.  I have been hypomanic and got a lot of word done outside.  I mowed both my yard and my cousins yard.  I also organized the garage and did some more organizing in my bedroom.  However,  I have felt really slow today and have wanted to lay down and take a nap from the time I woke up.  I have just felt a little off and I don't know why.  I do know that I that I see my nurse practitioner on Wednesday and I think there will be some medication changes as  I'm still having the restless legs and the tremor in my left hand.

Tomorrow is going to be a lo9ng day for me and I hope I can get through it.  I have group therapy in the morning and then I have to pick my nephew up from school and babysit him until his Mom gets home from work.  If I'm lucky maybe I'll get to catch a nap at my sister's house tomorrow.  Anyway, I'm going to get off here and get a good night sleep and hopefully that will make me feel better tomorrow.

Day 140 "Square Breathing"

This past couple of weeks in my group session on Mindfulness we worked on a technique called Square Breathing.  This technique is a simple way to refocus your attention and a great way to bring calmness and tranquility to yourself.  This technique can be done anywhere anytime but my group leader suggested the most effective way to do this technique is to sit tall in your chair, both feet flat on the floor, and your arms at your side. After that, there are just four simple breathing segments each done to a count of four.

• Inhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4
• Exhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4 

You can repeat the process making sure to focus on the breath until you feel relaxed.   I’ve been doing the technique everyday for the last two weeks and have to do the technique five or six times to feel relaxed.  However, the more I practice the technique the more I feel it’s working.  It’s such a simple tool to help someone who has anxiety and I highly suggest it.

Today has been a pretty good day for me.  I took my Mom shopping today and that’s an activity that drives me insane.  I feel a ton of anxiety when I have to go in a store. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.  I worked in retail for over ten years and many times suffered panic attacks.  In any event, Square Breathing helped me to feel less anxiety today and made my day a whole lot better.

Day 139 "Seasonal Changes And Their Effects"

I've been hypomanic /manic for the last three weeks but I also feel like I could sleep the days away.  I've also been having some balance problems, tremors in my left hand, restless leg syndrome, and some muscle weakness.   In addition to all that my daily dose of lithium was raised from 900mg to 1200mg and it’s had no effect on me at all.   When I first started taking it my mania stopped dead in it’s tracks.  The abilify has to be the reason I’ve been so manic lately or I’ve even thought it could be the change in seasons.

I think I’ve always had seasonal affective disorder and have found that it gets worse each year.   When the days start getting shorter it is harder for me to get out of bed.  If you live in a northeastern state like Ohio that can be a huge issue especially if the winter is cold and harsh.   There have been a few winters where we’ve been house bound for weeks on end.   It can be very depressing especially when the snow won’t stop.

I also tend to set myself up for a fall with expectations for the holidays.  They can be a enjoyable but I always have unrealistic expectations of loving family times, lots of gifts, baking, and doing things we didn't have time or money for when I was a child that end up making me more depressed than before the holidays.  I often just feel left out of things during the holidays and find it to be one of my more challenging times of the year.

In any event I’m going to work with my nurse practitioner to make sure my medications are at the correct dosages so that I can cope better.   I’m also going to continue to work on leading a more mindful life where I focus on what is in front of me and observe how it feels, smells, looks, and acts.   Maybe the fact that I haven’t acted in a mindful way in the past has contributed to some of my problems.

Day 138 "How This Week Is Going"

Today and the last few days I've felt pretty much the same.  My mood has been moderately elevated and I've been having some side effects with the Abilify.  My legs are still restless and I have a slight tremor in my left hand which bothers me a little bit.  I see my nurse practitioner this coming week and I'm going to see if there's something else that i can take with less side effects.

I have been hypomanic most of this week.  I have been organizing, cleaning, rearranging things, and having rapid speech.  However, I haven't been hypersexual which is a good thing.  Usually when I'm hypomanic I'm very hypersexual which is hard for me to control.  Tonight is my Uncles 82nd. birthday and my cousin and I are going to go see him.  I took some pictures I had of his beloved golden retriever who passed away framed for him.  I'm hoping it's a nice night.

Day 137 "How I Feel About My Bipolar Disorder"

I was recently asked if I’m open about my bipolar disorder or do I just mask it.  Here’s what my friend had to say about his disorder.

“I will be honest. I am ashamed of my bipolar label.  Just the other day I was at the grocery store and one of the workers called an angry customer "Bipolar".  People don't even know what that means.  To some it even means I'm an axe murderer.  I avoid the label at all costs.  I collect social security disability, but I don't want people to know about it.  To the world I'm just a regular guy in between jobs.  I never tell people I'm Bipolar.  I feel such shame with the label.   To make matters worse my friends and family that know my label have spread the word.  I notice that people that know don't bother to talk to me the same way.”

Me, I don't tell anyone about being Bipolar unless I've been friends with them for years so for me it's on a need to know basis.  People are afraid of people with bipolar disorder and for good reason; it carries a negative connotation with it.  Every time there is a mass shooting it's a person with a mental illness and usually its bipolar disorder.

Even Dr's treat you differently when you tell them you’re bipolar.  You'll notice that when you have a medical issue it will be blamed on your meds first and next it will be your disease.  It's in your head either way which is a shame.  I don't even tell my Dr's unless they need to know.  I educate myself but have stopped trying to educate others.  From my experience with others, it's a seeing is believing society that we live in and you have to experience it first hand to believe it.

When I was working my last full time job I did have, what I thought was, a good friend who I opened up to and told him I was bipolar.  However, his first words were "Are you on medication?”   He has become distant since.  I know it is due to all the negative press about people with bipolar disorder. So, I learned that it's best to not discuss it at work and tried very hard to stay as positive as possible which we all know is impossible some days.  There were days I wanted to tell my boss "Look, I’m having a manic episode, SO LEAVE ME ALONE YOU WITCH!!”  Instead I just got to a point where I couldn’t function anymore and walked out.

Everyday I dream about of a life of seclusion where my bipolar will be under control!  I dream of owning a little house in the country with a fireplace and lots of trees.  I long for that day when I can wake up and feel free and just enjoy the day.  However, until that day I'm going to learn to be more mindful and live in the moment.

Day 136 "What Really Get's Me Going"

Not much has changed since yesterday.  I still have restless legs, a slight tremor in my left hand, I drool because of the Bell's palsy, and I continue to be hypomanic even though my lithium dose was raised.  I also have been really moody and really blew up on my Mom tonight and she knows how to press my buttons.

I feel like I my Mom and sister run my life.  I do whatever they want basically but I find myself resenting both of them for all the stuff they ask of me.  The part that really bothers is that they usually just decide what I'm going to do and and then let me know.  I've tried setting boundaries and rules that basically request that they run things past past me or ask before scheduling me to do something.  I've asked this at least a dozen times but they keep doing what they do.  It just annoys the crap out of me.

I asked my Mom tonight what would happen if something were to happen to me or I have an appointment what my sister would do and she got really angry and said that my sister had backup if she needed it.  Well, I've never heard of any backup, I'm it.  Then my Mom continued and said that families are supposed to stick together and help one another.  She's told me that my brothers and sister will take care of me when I'm older If  I need them to.  I just can't accept that statement because all my siblings know I'm having a rough time right now and none of them have offered me a helping hand.  As a matter of fact I feel like they ignore me now more than ever.

Day 135 "Pick Me Ups And Bring Me Downs"

In the various environments and surroundings we encounter each day, there are sights, smells, sounds, tastes, feelings and so many other things taking place around us.  Some of these may set us off in good ways and bad.  For example, I turn to music when I need a pick me up.  It's not always the words that make me feel good but more about the sound of the music and picking out nuances, key changes, and places where musicians are out of tune.  I listen to a lot of instrumental music which makes it easier to do this as the musicians are actually playing an instrument.  It just takes me to a whole different place where nothing else matters.

I also love the smells at the holidays. My Mom has had her decorations stored in the same boxes for years and those smells take me back to my childhood and that makes me feel like a kid again.  I also have a Christmas coloring book I bought in 1980 that I get out every year and color a little in it and that really takes me back to my childhood. I was in the third grade then.

On the flip-side of that watching the news always makes me anxious because it's always doom and gloom.  The first fifteen minutes of my local news is most always about death.  I only ever really watch it for the weather but I can get that online.  Another thing that sets off negative feelings is the on ramp to the expressway.  This happens because people are always texting while they drive, speeding, and not paying attention to what's going on around them.  I'm not afraid to drive the highway but it makes me very nervous.

I have also been participating in a weekly group session on mindfulness and have noticed that some of the techniques we've been talking about can help pick me up.  What I've been practicing is concentrating on what is right in front of me and if I drift off I bring myself back.  Concentrating on one thing at a time makes life easier and provides more time for enjoyment and less stress.