Day 136 "What Really Get's Me Going"

Not much has changed since yesterday.  I still have restless legs, a slight tremor in my left hand, I drool because of the Bell's palsy, and I continue to be hypomanic even though my lithium dose was raised.  I also have been really moody and really blew up on my Mom tonight and she knows how to press my buttons.

I feel like I my Mom and sister run my life.  I do whatever they want basically but I find myself resenting both of them for all the stuff they ask of me.  The part that really bothers is that they usually just decide what I'm going to do and and then let me know.  I've tried setting boundaries and rules that basically request that they run things past past me or ask before scheduling me to do something.  I've asked this at least a dozen times but they keep doing what they do.  It just annoys the crap out of me.

I asked my Mom tonight what would happen if something were to happen to me or I have an appointment what my sister would do and she got really angry and said that my sister had backup if she needed it.  Well, I've never heard of any backup, I'm it.  Then my Mom continued and said that families are supposed to stick together and help one another.  She's told me that my brothers and sister will take care of me when I'm older If  I need them to.  I just can't accept that statement because all my siblings know I'm having a rough time right now and none of them have offered me a helping hand.  As a matter of fact I feel like they ignore me now more than ever.

Day 135 "Pick Me Ups And Bring Me Downs"

In the various environments and surroundings we encounter each day, there are sights, smells, sounds, tastes, feelings and so many other things taking place around us.  Some of these may set us off in good ways and bad.  For example, I turn to music when I need a pick me up.  It's not always the words that make me feel good but more about the sound of the music and picking out nuances, key changes, and places where musicians are out of tune.  I listen to a lot of instrumental music which makes it easier to do this as the musicians are actually playing an instrument.  It just takes me to a whole different place where nothing else matters.

I also love the smells at the holidays. My Mom has had her decorations stored in the same boxes for years and those smells take me back to my childhood and that makes me feel like a kid again.  I also have a Christmas coloring book I bought in 1980 that I get out every year and color a little in it and that really takes me back to my childhood. I was in the third grade then.

On the flip-side of that watching the news always makes me anxious because it's always doom and gloom.  The first fifteen minutes of my local news is most always about death.  I only ever really watch it for the weather but I can get that online.  Another thing that sets off negative feelings is the on ramp to the expressway.  This happens because people are always texting while they drive, speeding, and not paying attention to what's going on around them.  I'm not afraid to drive the highway but it makes me very nervous.

I have also been participating in a weekly group session on mindfulness and have noticed that some of the techniques we've been talking about can help pick me up.  What I've been practicing is concentrating on what is right in front of me and if I drift off I bring myself back.  Concentrating on one thing at a time makes life easier and provides more time for enjoyment and less stress.

Day 134 "Today Was Like Yesterday"

Last night  I had a hard time sleeping.  My legs were very restless and I couldn't get comfortable.  I just wanted to sleep and it was impossible.  I also had some more tremors in my left hand which are starting to disturb me a little bit.  I see my therapist on Wednesday and will be talking to her about all this.  I also plan on stopping in and seeing the nurse to see what she has to say about all of this.

My mood today has been a little bit irritable and I attribute that to these side effects I'm having.  I had to babysit my nephew today for a few hours and I was short tempered with him several times.  These side effects are keeping me from sleeping and it's driving me nuts.  I do have one good thing to report about today and it's that I followed my diabetic diet on SparkPeople and my sugar was 135 last night before I went to bed.  That's one of the lowest readings I've had since I started monitoring it.

Day 133 "More Reason To Question My Medications"

Last night I wasn't as manic as I was the entire day before and I was able to sleep pretty good.  The only trouble had was that my legs were very restless and I couldn't get comfortable.  I was up and down several times during the night moving from the bed to the chair and back to the bed again.  My nurse practitioner said that I might experience this side effect with Abilify and I will be telling her about it.  I started having this symptom when I went from the 5mg to10mg tablet and it's mostly during the day that I experience it.   Maybe there's a drug that can counter act that symptom that she can prescribe.

Another symptom I've been experiencing is tremors in my left hand.  I had a few when I first started out on the Abilify and then nothing more until I went to the 10mg.  The tremors seem to happen both when I'm stressed and just relaxing.  Other people have noticed it more than me but it concerns me.  I don't want another problem in addition to all the other problems I currently have.  The paralysis I had with the Bell's Palsy over the summer is gone but I still drool  a lot which can be annoying.

Other than all of the above my day went pretty good.  I went to breakfast with my cousin and one of her friends.  I actually had a nice time.  We then went for a car ride later in the day to look at trick-or-treat lights and it was a bust.  We saw like four good houses.  Hopefully the lights will get better as we get closer to Halloween.

Day 132 "Not Sure If My Present Medications Are Right For Me"

Last night I got about six hours of sleep and that's been about what I've been sleeping on average a night.  Today I didn't feel bad but again was hypomanic and hypersexual.  I had this need to get things done yesterday.  I washed clothes, cleaned the kitchen, garaged, and rearranged the living room.  I'm not all that disappointed that I was like this because I was productive and that felt good.  However, I began to notice that I was hypersexual and began cruising the internet looking for sex.  It then hit me that all the cleaning I was doing was what I used to do when I was preparing to have someone over and that's what my goal tonight.

Right now I'm upset with myself and angry that I found nobody at the same time.  I could take somebodies head off I'm so angry right now.  This past week I started taking more Lithium and I know I've only been on it a week but this hypersexual behavior has to stop.  It's dangerous to have sex with total strangers and it's something that happens when I'm manic and hypomanic.  I can't control it and it scares me.  I see my therapist this coming Wednesday and we have some things to talk about.  I need a solution or I'm going to go nuts.  You would think with the amount of medication I take I wouldn't be having as many problems.

Day 131 "Trying To Become More Mindful"

Taken from the website Mindfulnet.org “Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to, and seeing clearly whatever is happening in our lives.  It will not eliminate life's pressures, but it can help us respond to them in a calmer manner that benefits our heart, head, and body.  It helps us recognise and step away from habitual, often unconscious emotional and physiological reactions to everyday events.   It provides us with a scientifically researched approach to cultivating clarity, insight, and understanding.  Practicing mindfulness allows us to be fully present in our life and work, and improve our quality of life.”
Here is a video by clinical mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn breiflyexplaining what mindfulness is.



Yesterday I had a real bad day and got dwelled on everything that was wrong in my life and as a result i was full of anxiety, anger, resentment, depression, and mania.  You name the emotion and I was feeling it.  I recently started taking a weekly class on mindfulness and while I'm not very far in the class I find that letting go of everything and concentrating on one thing at a time helps me to realx and be more calm.  At the beginning of each class we do a meditation and while I have a hard time sometimes following it I am getting better at getting my mind back on track.  My class is for the next twelve weeks and as I learn more I plan on doing a sectionon this site soley dedicated to mindfulness.

Here is a video by clinical mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn leading a short meditation exercise.



I have so much stress and anxiety in my life right now.  Everything that can go wrong seems to have gone wrong.  I feel like I'm at the point of rock bottom right now and I'm hoping that learning how to be more mindful will help me to become a better person.  I want to be more focused, less angry, less judgemental, less resentful of what others have, and lead my life with facts rather than emotions.
                                         

Day 130 "Again, Another Bad Day"

Last night I didn't sleep real well and was up and down all night.  I was very restless and couldn't get get comfortable.  I so wish that I could get stabilized because I'll have a few good days and then a bunch of bad ones.  I so want to work some day but at this rate I don't know how I would be able to handle it.  I've even talked about owning my own business but at this point I don't know if I could be consistent enough to handle the operations.  It all makes me feel like a big piece of garbage and that's what my day has been like.

I don't know where to begin but I can tell you that today I could have easily thrown in the hat and left this world.  The only thing that keeps me from doing harm to myself is my family.  As much as I don't have any support I couldn't take my own life and leave them like that.  Plus I'm supposed to be optimistic and that believe it or not helped me through the day.

Anyway here's a list of what bugged me today to the point of  having thoughts of self harm:

• Every piece of electronic equipment I own is broken and needs fixed.
• My car is broken and I have no way to fix it unless someone helps me and that's not going to happen.
• My Mom constantly rides me about using her car saying I'm putting too much mileage on it even though it was her idea for us to share it.
• My Mom is OCD about EVERYTHING and wanted to babysit the grand kids today but once they were here she was complaining about everything they did.
• My favorite uncle is really sick and I suggested to my cousin that the doctors be questioned again about the safety of his radiation/chemotherapy and she flew off the handle at me and got hysterical. 
• I've been eating non stop all day and have eaten a lot of sugar today which I'm sure has spiked my sugar.
• I have to go for an A1C test in three weeks and I'm scared to death that my number will haven't improved and I'll be put on insulin shots which I totally am not up to doing.
• Today I started my larger dosage of Lithium and I experienced diarrhea this afternoon.
• Today I binged and purged for the first time since I first started taking medication.
• Today I've felt generally worthless and helpless to myself as well as everyone else.

So I just had to get that all off my chest and now I'm going to move on.  Sometimes it feels good to get things out in the open.  I an tell you that it's helped my anxiety which has been really high today.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try and leave all this stuff behind and start over tomorrow.  I hope and pray I can do it!