Day 87 "Had A Good Day And A Reason To Be Optimistic"

Today has been a good overall day for me.  I saw my therapist and she contacted my nurse practitioner and had my dosage of Seroquel reduced from 600mg XR to 400mg XR because of the way it was effecting my vision.  Today we also talked a lot about my future and what I should do.  She said that I'm making very good progress and that I should definitely appeal the denial I received from Social Security when I applied for SSDI because I have nothing to lose.

She also said that if I'm still doing this well in two months she's going to refer me to a job coach within their office.  I asked if this was someone that would accompany me to a job and assess me and she said no.  She said the job coach would help me write my resume and coach me through the interview process.  He would help me to be able to explain the gaps in employment I have. 

My therapist said that since I've picked up my nephew from school since preschool and helped watch him and his little sister that I put that I was a caregiver on my resume.  I also told her about how I take my Mom to all her doctor's appointments and go with her to do the grocery shopping and she said I could use that as well.  Furthermore, last year I drove my sister to and from her job for almost for months in addition to picking her son up from school. She said I sound like a caregiver and should use that if i can.

So I haven't had a traditional job but I 've spent considerable amount of time taking care of others.  The fact that I'm doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and making sure my Mom takes her pills is a job within itself.  The fact that I 've spent three years getting my nephew from school and helping take care his little sister has also been a job in itself.  I just need to learn how to put the proper spin on it in an interview. 

Today was exciting for me because somebody actually told me I was improving and could probably handle a full time job in the near future.  I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and do everything that's asked of me.  It would feel so good if I could be able to work and support myself.  I especially never want to be in debt to anybody!

Day 86 " I Passed The Test Today"

Today I had to pick my nephew up from school and get him home.  Until my sister has a car and is able to drive I'm going to be responsible for him.  Today was the first day of school and I wondered how my mood would hold.  I tend to get very stressed, upset, and sometimes angry when my family makes changes to my schedule.  They think because I'm not working that I'm available.  They don't get that part of me controlling my Bipolar is following the same schedule  everyday.  The part that usually makes me angry is that they don't ask me they just assume and get confrontational with me when I call them out of it.  I've explained to them a million times that I need to follow a schedule and that before they commit me to anything they need to ask.  Asking me would make me feel like they had respect for me.

Anyway, I cut both my sister and Mom some slack about picking my nephew up from school.  Neither one of them is able to drive and they have so much on their minds that I can't really be mad at them at this point.  It's only been two and a half weeks since their car accident and my Mom can hardly move and is using a walker.  My sister has bruising all over the one side of her body and it's the ugliest black, blue, and purple I've ever seen.  Every time I see one of my Mom's or sister's bruises I have to leave the room and I cry.  I know that I almost lost a portion of my family on August the 3rd and I'm just so grateful there here. 

So today wasn't a horrible day at all.  I didn't take my Seroquel last night to see how my vision was today and it was normal just like I thought it would be.  However, it did take me a while to fall asleep without it.  I had no depression without taking it but I'm wondering How I'll be if she takes me completely off of it.  I'm going to see the nurse tomorrow and see about just lowering the dosage back down to 300mg instead of the 600mg.  I'm also going to ask if there may be a drug that has less side effects that I could take instead.

Day 85 "Tomorrow My Bipolar Will Be Tested"

Today was an OK day for the most part.  I went to bed at a descent time last night and slept for twelve hours.  Taking Seroquel seems to keep me in bed a lot.  I feel like I've missed most of the summer because of it which is a little depressing.  I'm going to talk to my nurse practitioner and nurse and see if there is something else I can take in place of the Seroquel.  I really like it but I can't stay awake on it.

Tomorrow will be the real test of how I do with Seroquel because it's the first day of school and I'm going to have to be the one to pick up my nephew and get him home everyday because my sister can't drive and doesn't have a new car yet since the car accident.  I've always helped out with picking him up but it only has ever been two or three days a week.  Now it will be five days plus my Mom and sister both have doctors appointments that I will be taking them to.  In addition to that I have my own appointments that I need to go to.

I'm so sorry there was a car accident and am very grateful that everyone came out of it alive.  However, anytime there is any little crisis everyone looks to me.  All I've been hearing is how bruised and banged up they all are.  I've been told several times that I don't know what pain is.  I was also told this evening by my Mother that it only takes about three months to get stabilized on medications for bipolar and that I should get a job because there's other bipolar people doing it.  It makes me so angry and hateful when people, especially my family, can't understand that the last three months have been horrible for me.  I'm not stable yet with my medications and truthfully I think it's going to be a while before I am.  When people start dictating to me what I have to do I may as well not be on any medications because I snap and am angry all the time.  I need to be on a schedule or my moods are all over the place.  I'm still trying to figure it all out and don't need the added stress.

I try to keep a schedule that I made for myself because that's how I stay consistent with my medications and appointments.  Tomorrow that will all change when I start picking up my nephew.  It takes up about two hours of my day.  The part of it that really bugs me is that nobody ever asked me to do any of this it's just implied that since I'm not working that I'm available.  I have also tried to tell everyone that it's sometimes hard for me to drive because of taking Seroquel.  It's like talking to a brick wall.  So basically I have no choice and just have to deal with it.  This is part of the reason I'm going to ask to be taken off the Seroquel.  When I'm not on it I can get up easily, my vision is clear, and I have mixed episodes. 

Day 84 "Tried My Hand At Fixing The Car Today and Failed"

My car, a 2001 Mercury Grand Marquis GS, broke down almost three months ago.  I had noticed the evening before it stopped running that my lights were unusually dim but other than that it was running OK.  The following morning the car started like normal, no problems.  I drove it to my cousins house and messed around there for an hour or so.  When I went to leave it wouldn't crank at all.  It just made this rapid clicking noise.  I had watched my Dad work on cars enough to know that noise usually meant a bad alternator, problem with the battery, or problem with the voltage regulator.

So I watched a bunch of videos on taking out and putting back in an alternator.  If the alternator was the problem a new one for my car is almost $200 so I had to do the work myself because I can't afford the labor a shop would charge.  I also didn't want to purchase an alternator if it really was the battery that was bad so I carefully removed both the battery and alternator from the car.  I was so excited because this is the first time I had ever done this and everything went smoothly.

In order to find out whether the battery or alternator was bad I had to take them to an auto parts store. There they were able to test each part and tell me which part I needed.  Well, the sales associate first tested the alternator and it failed meaning that I had to buy a new one.  He then tested the battery and it was completely dead.  So I bought a new alternator which cost almost $200 and left them the battery to charge which was free.  When I got back to my cousins I installed the alternator exactly like I took it off.  I was excited again because I had now installed a new alternator by myself and did it right.  

It only took an hour for them to charge my battery so I went back to the auto parts store and the sales associate put my battery on the meter and he said it was fully charged.  It was getting close to dark so I figured I would get back to my cousins and have just enough time to install the battery in the car and be able to start it.  Well I hooked everything up, checked my self twice, and after the battery was installed I tried to start the car.  The lights in the car were still a little dimmer than normal and it made a fast clicking noise when I tried turning it over plus the dash lights were blinking along with the clicking.

I don't know what to think or do at this point.  I just want to cry because nothing ever seems to go my way.  I've changed the way I live my life and seem to be going in the right direction.  However, I still seem to come out on the short end of the stick.  As a result, my mood has went from being stable all day to feeling both depressed and hypomanic.

I call what I'm experiencing right now a mixed episode because I'm both manic and depressed.  I feel like a big piece of crap, worthless, and have been crying a lot.  At the same time I'm very hypersexual and feel like I need to do something to let some steam off and give me immediate gratification.  I would like to hook up for some no strings attached sex or I could just take all this anger inside of me and let somebody  have it.  Both would feel good for about five minutes and then I'd be back to just being depressed.  It's late out but I think I need to take a walk through the neighborhood until these mixed feelings are gone.

Day 83 "Feeling Better Today And Looking Forward To Tomorrow"

Today has been a pretty good day.  I haven't had time to be in a bad mood.  Our house was full of visitors today supporting my Mom.  She has been really depressed since her accident and I have been depressed as well  because nobody was coming around.  Until these last few weeks I didn't understand the power of prayer.  However, I've heard so many people talk about how God will answer your prayers.  Well, I've been talking to God and asking him to guide my family in the right direction, especially my Mom.  More people have been coming around  and calling which is helping to raise my mom's spirits.  She actually had a smile on her face today and I haven't seen one of those in over two weeks.  Thank You Lord for hearing my prayers!

Well, it looks like I'm going to be able to get my car fixed this week due to the generosity of my Mom.  She doesn't have the cash on hand but is letting me use her credit card to get the parts I need.  She told me to get what I need  which makes me happy that my car will be running.  However, it makes me feel upset because I can't pay her back right now because of having no income.  My entire life my parents have always made sure that their kids had what they needed whatever the cost.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm going to go with my cousin to see my Aunt and Uncle.  I always enjoy being around them.  They both are very supportive of me especially my Aunt.  She always encourages me and takes an interest in what I'm doing.   My uncle has a really nice 2010 Dodge Ram truck with about six thousand miles that he doesn't take out very often and a lot of times will take it out for a ride when my cousin and I come over.  I'm hoping tomorrow is one of those days where he wants to take the truck for a ride.

2010 Dodge Ram 1500 TRX 4x4.  Click to enlarge photo.

Day 82 "Self Awareness Is Key To Stabilization"

Today has been an average day for me.  I don’t feel as low as I have the last few days.  Today I was able to get outside for a little bit in the evening and even mowed some grass using a push mower.  I also followed my diet today and ate a little healthier than I have been.  Before I started treatment for bipolar I was following my diet and sticking to it very well.  Once the medications started I was so tired that I just didn’t care.  However, I’m slowly getting back on track with it. Some days are better than others.  I could also describe my bipolar that way, some days I feel positive and others I’m really depressed.

I think I tend to sabotage myself and cause a lot of my depression.  For example, I sabotage myself by not letting go of the past and as a result have a hard time looking positively at the future.  I also sabotage myself by isolating myself from people because I think my life is a lost cause.  Another way I sabotage myself is by giving into anger that results in me acting out and talking inappropriately.  I also frequently get caught up doing things on the computer at night which interferes with me getting to bed at a descent time.  There are a lot of nights where I only sleep for three or four hours.

So I need to be more aware of my actions and think about the consequences both good and bad.  If I stay up till 4am in the morning on the computer what effect is that going to have on me the next day?  If I don’t accept my past and move on, what effect is it going to have on my overall well being and future?  When I isolate myself what effect does that have on my relationships with friends and family?  Finally, if I can’t control my anger what kind of effect is it going to have on me as well as the people around me?

I can’t answer all the questions above but need to start thinking about the answers to them.  I’m going to make a list of ways in which I think I sabotage myself and try and answer what effect those behavior have on me.  I ‘m then going to work on coming up with some new coping strategies that will allow me an alternative behavior which hopefully keeps me from being depressed.  This self awareness might possibly help me to become a little more stable and have fewer ups and down.  I was definitely mistaken, at the beginning of my treatment plan, in that I thought I was going to take a couple of pills everyday and everything was going  to be OK right away.  This journey has made me feel like I have to completely reprogram the way I interact with myself; definitely a long process!

Day 81 "Depressed, Not Knowing What My Future Holds"

I did finally get a good night's sleep but once I got up and took my pills I just went back to bed and slept until late afternoon.  Everyday has been different since I started treatment for my bipolar.  One day I feel good and the next day I feel bad.  I've heard some people say that it takes years to stabilize and they go through many different medications to get there.  Today has been a low kind of day for me.  I haven't had any thoughts of hurting myself  but I have been really down all day. 

I'm 41 years old and have no running car, no medical insurance, no job, and an illness that a lot of people won't accept.  I haven't worked a full time job in almost three years.  The reason I'm not still at that job is because of my bipolar.  I was having mixed episodes when I walked out of that joke and had been manic for  about a year prior to the start of having mixed episodes.  I'm happy that I'm getting treatment now and but how am I ever going to support myself.  

If I'm approved for SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) I will get roughly $1066 a month.  I applied in June and was denied at the end of July.  If I fight the denial it could take a year or more and if I get a lawyer they'll get 25% of whatever back pay I would collect.  I'll never be able to own a home, buy a nice car, or be able to take a nice vacation.  I know what needs and wants are and understand that you don't always get what you want.  I just had all these dreams as a young boy that lasted up until it was suggested I may want to apply for Social Security.  When my therapist suggested disability all those dreams stopped.

Now, I could start applying for jobs and try to find something full time.  However, I've hired a lot of people in my day and already know what will happen.  The first thing a future employer is going to ask is why I have so many employment gaps.  Secondly there going to want to know why the jobs I had ended.  I've had three really good jobs and was terminated from two and walked out from the other.  Lastly, I now know that most of my jobs ended because of bipolar disorder and a lot of employers won't take the risk of hiring someone with a mental disorder.

I have known since I was a little boy that I was different.  I always felt like I was behind everyone no matter how much I tried.  Making friends always happened easy but keeping them was difficult for me.  It's because of all this that I sometimes feel like I'm damaged goods!