Day 84 "Tried My Hand At Fixing The Car Today and Failed"

My car, a 2001 Mercury Grand Marquis GS, broke down almost three months ago.  I had noticed the evening before it stopped running that my lights were unusually dim but other than that it was running OK.  The following morning the car started like normal, no problems.  I drove it to my cousins house and messed around there for an hour or so.  When I went to leave it wouldn't crank at all.  It just made this rapid clicking noise.  I had watched my Dad work on cars enough to know that noise usually meant a bad alternator, problem with the battery, or problem with the voltage regulator.

So I watched a bunch of videos on taking out and putting back in an alternator.  If the alternator was the problem a new one for my car is almost $200 so I had to do the work myself because I can't afford the labor a shop would charge.  I also didn't want to purchase an alternator if it really was the battery that was bad so I carefully removed both the battery and alternator from the car.  I was so excited because this is the first time I had ever done this and everything went smoothly.

In order to find out whether the battery or alternator was bad I had to take them to an auto parts store. There they were able to test each part and tell me which part I needed.  Well, the sales associate first tested the alternator and it failed meaning that I had to buy a new one.  He then tested the battery and it was completely dead.  So I bought a new alternator which cost almost $200 and left them the battery to charge which was free.  When I got back to my cousins I installed the alternator exactly like I took it off.  I was excited again because I had now installed a new alternator by myself and did it right.  

It only took an hour for them to charge my battery so I went back to the auto parts store and the sales associate put my battery on the meter and he said it was fully charged.  It was getting close to dark so I figured I would get back to my cousins and have just enough time to install the battery in the car and be able to start it.  Well I hooked everything up, checked my self twice, and after the battery was installed I tried to start the car.  The lights in the car were still a little dimmer than normal and it made a fast clicking noise when I tried turning it over plus the dash lights were blinking along with the clicking.

I don't know what to think or do at this point.  I just want to cry because nothing ever seems to go my way.  I've changed the way I live my life and seem to be going in the right direction.  However, I still seem to come out on the short end of the stick.  As a result, my mood has went from being stable all day to feeling both depressed and hypomanic.

I call what I'm experiencing right now a mixed episode because I'm both manic and depressed.  I feel like a big piece of crap, worthless, and have been crying a lot.  At the same time I'm very hypersexual and feel like I need to do something to let some steam off and give me immediate gratification.  I would like to hook up for some no strings attached sex or I could just take all this anger inside of me and let somebody  have it.  Both would feel good for about five minutes and then I'd be back to just being depressed.  It's late out but I think I need to take a walk through the neighborhood until these mixed feelings are gone.

Day 83 "Feeling Better Today And Looking Forward To Tomorrow"

Today has been a pretty good day.  I haven't had time to be in a bad mood.  Our house was full of visitors today supporting my Mom.  She has been really depressed since her accident and I have been depressed as well  because nobody was coming around.  Until these last few weeks I didn't understand the power of prayer.  However, I've heard so many people talk about how God will answer your prayers.  Well, I've been talking to God and asking him to guide my family in the right direction, especially my Mom.  More people have been coming around  and calling which is helping to raise my mom's spirits.  She actually had a smile on her face today and I haven't seen one of those in over two weeks.  Thank You Lord for hearing my prayers!

Well, it looks like I'm going to be able to get my car fixed this week due to the generosity of my Mom.  She doesn't have the cash on hand but is letting me use her credit card to get the parts I need.  She told me to get what I need  which makes me happy that my car will be running.  However, it makes me feel upset because I can't pay her back right now because of having no income.  My entire life my parents have always made sure that their kids had what they needed whatever the cost.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm going to go with my cousin to see my Aunt and Uncle.  I always enjoy being around them.  They both are very supportive of me especially my Aunt.  She always encourages me and takes an interest in what I'm doing.   My uncle has a really nice 2010 Dodge Ram truck with about six thousand miles that he doesn't take out very often and a lot of times will take it out for a ride when my cousin and I come over.  I'm hoping tomorrow is one of those days where he wants to take the truck for a ride.

2010 Dodge Ram 1500 TRX 4x4.  Click to enlarge photo.

Day 82 "Self Awareness Is Key To Stabilization"

Today has been an average day for me.  I don’t feel as low as I have the last few days.  Today I was able to get outside for a little bit in the evening and even mowed some grass using a push mower.  I also followed my diet today and ate a little healthier than I have been.  Before I started treatment for bipolar I was following my diet and sticking to it very well.  Once the medications started I was so tired that I just didn’t care.  However, I’m slowly getting back on track with it. Some days are better than others.  I could also describe my bipolar that way, some days I feel positive and others I’m really depressed.

I think I tend to sabotage myself and cause a lot of my depression.  For example, I sabotage myself by not letting go of the past and as a result have a hard time looking positively at the future.  I also sabotage myself by isolating myself from people because I think my life is a lost cause.  Another way I sabotage myself is by giving into anger that results in me acting out and talking inappropriately.  I also frequently get caught up doing things on the computer at night which interferes with me getting to bed at a descent time.  There are a lot of nights where I only sleep for three or four hours.

So I need to be more aware of my actions and think about the consequences both good and bad.  If I stay up till 4am in the morning on the computer what effect is that going to have on me the next day?  If I don’t accept my past and move on, what effect is it going to have on my overall well being and future?  When I isolate myself what effect does that have on my relationships with friends and family?  Finally, if I can’t control my anger what kind of effect is it going to have on me as well as the people around me?

I can’t answer all the questions above but need to start thinking about the answers to them.  I’m going to make a list of ways in which I think I sabotage myself and try and answer what effect those behavior have on me.  I ‘m then going to work on coming up with some new coping strategies that will allow me an alternative behavior which hopefully keeps me from being depressed.  This self awareness might possibly help me to become a little more stable and have fewer ups and down.  I was definitely mistaken, at the beginning of my treatment plan, in that I thought I was going to take a couple of pills everyday and everything was going  to be OK right away.  This journey has made me feel like I have to completely reprogram the way I interact with myself; definitely a long process!

Day 81 "Depressed, Not Knowing What My Future Holds"

I did finally get a good night's sleep but once I got up and took my pills I just went back to bed and slept until late afternoon.  Everyday has been different since I started treatment for my bipolar.  One day I feel good and the next day I feel bad.  I've heard some people say that it takes years to stabilize and they go through many different medications to get there.  Today has been a low kind of day for me.  I haven't had any thoughts of hurting myself  but I have been really down all day. 

I'm 41 years old and have no running car, no medical insurance, no job, and an illness that a lot of people won't accept.  I haven't worked a full time job in almost three years.  The reason I'm not still at that job is because of my bipolar.  I was having mixed episodes when I walked out of that joke and had been manic for  about a year prior to the start of having mixed episodes.  I'm happy that I'm getting treatment now and but how am I ever going to support myself.  

If I'm approved for SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) I will get roughly $1066 a month.  I applied in June and was denied at the end of July.  If I fight the denial it could take a year or more and if I get a lawyer they'll get 25% of whatever back pay I would collect.  I'll never be able to own a home, buy a nice car, or be able to take a nice vacation.  I know what needs and wants are and understand that you don't always get what you want.  I just had all these dreams as a young boy that lasted up until it was suggested I may want to apply for Social Security.  When my therapist suggested disability all those dreams stopped.

Now, I could start applying for jobs and try to find something full time.  However, I've hired a lot of people in my day and already know what will happen.  The first thing a future employer is going to ask is why I have so many employment gaps.  Secondly there going to want to know why the jobs I had ended.  I've had three really good jobs and was terminated from two and walked out from the other.  Lastly, I now know that most of my jobs ended because of bipolar disorder and a lot of employers won't take the risk of hiring someone with a mental disorder.

I have known since I was a little boy that I was different.  I always felt like I was behind everyone no matter how much I tried.  Making friends always happened easy but keeping them was difficult for me.  It's because of all this that I sometimes feel like I'm damaged goods!

Day 80 "What I Need"

Today it has been 80 days since I've started medication for my bipolar disorder.  Some days I feel Like I've made great strides and other days I feel like I did the first day.  Today I had a therapy session and we talked about the different consequences I face when do or act out certain behaviors.  My therapist used a car as an example saying that there would be consequences if I put too much gas, the wrong kind of gas, or used diesel fuel in a gas engine.  So my assignment for next visit is to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit when I'm manic and depressed and list the consequences each behavior has keeping in mind the automobile example.  In any event I couldn't answer my therapist today when  she was asking me about the consequences of my actions.  I felt stupid!

Again today I was feeling a lot of anxiety about my Mom, not having an income, having no hope for the future, not getting enough sleep, and having to take all the medication I do.  My speech was very slow because of the higher dose of Seroquel but I also felt hypomanic.  So if I'm correct I was possibly having a mixed episode because I was having highs and lows at the same time.  Right now I feel OK but I'm still worried about everything.  The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is whether applying for disability is the right thing for me verses finding a full time job somewhere.However, I don't think anyone will hire me because of all the gaps in my employment.

Truthfully what I need is to fight to get disability.  Then I need to concentrate on diet and exercise.  It would be nice to lose about 150 pounds.  After I get my disability approved and get working on my weight I need to come up with and work on coping strategies to combat my hypersexuality, bulimia, and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  I have a long journey ahead of me to fight but I need some time.  I would love to have a full time job but I know from past experience that I'll end up failing    .  

Day 79 "Maybe I'm Not Doing As Good As I Thought"

Yesterday I was feeling better and not so depressed.  I felt like I was becoming more stable.  I was handling things that needed to be done and feeling better about myself.  I actually was in public around people and didn't feel as if I was going to have an anxiety attack.

Well, today is totally different in terms of my mood, anxiety, and general outlook on everything.  My mood is really low, my anxiety is off the chart, and I have no hope for my future or my Mom's.  She is very depressed and feeling really sorry for herself.  I've been making her food, making sure she takes her pills which is a chore all in itself, and helping her to get in bed at night.  I've been trying to help her as much as I can.  However, my daily dose of Seroquel was raised last week from 300mg XR to 600mg XR.  It has done me a lot of good but I'm still getting used to it and all I want to do is sleep and my vision is a little blurry with it.  I figure that in a few weeks the side effects I'm having will go away.  I just feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends.  I'm taking all my medications as directed but I can't get to bed at night and only end up with like four or five hours of sleep.  I feel like I'm going to have hypomanic episode if something doesn't change.

I feel like I've been abandoned by my two brothers where my Mom's concerned.  The car crash was a week ago this past Saturday.  My little brother has called her maybe three times and my older brother hasn't called at all.  However, his wife did bring over some soup about a week ago.  My Mom has had a few visits from the neighbors and her brother.  The only person that has been coming over whenever she can is my cousin but she has a busy schedule just like everyone else.

I guess I'm just angry because everybody takes me for granted.  Everyone in my family thinks I should be out looking for a job and really can't grasp the fact that I'm bipolar.  So, since I'm not working it's OK for me to handle everything.  I love me Mom even though we get on each other's nerves a lot but I could use a break.  I have been working so hard to change things for myself  and that has been like a full time job.  My cousin has a cabin booked near Hocking Hills in late October and invited me to go along as her guest.  We have actually been to this cabin before and it's wonderful and very private.  Well, she informed me that she's not going to cancel the reservation if my Mom's not well enough to take care of herself and is going alone.  The reservation was made in February and I've been looking forward to this little get away so much.  Anyway, I'm not trying to complain I just feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

Day 78 "Another Pretty Good Day, I Actually Cooked"

Early this morning I tried to view the Perseid Meteor Shower because this morning was the peak.  Two meteorologists and a number of web sites predicted that if the sky was clear and dark it would be possible to see between 50 and 100 per hour in the pre dawn hours.  Well, at 3 in the morning I drove about thirty miles south of my house into the country and found a really dark place, pulled off along side of the road, got out of the car, and looked up in the northeast sky for two hours.  I saw one really good shooting star that had a long tale and four or five others that were faint.  Needless to say I was a bit disappointed.

 

Today has been a pretty good day for me.  I don’t feel on top of the world and I’m still really worried about my Mom but I’ve been able to function pretty good.  I cleaned the kitchen without any help and did a good job.  My Mom actually told me how nice it looked.  She’s pretty critical about cleaning and especially her kitchen.  I also did some banking and grocery shopping for her this afternoon and didn’t have any anxiety over being with the general public.  It’s odd, I seem to do better when I’m in control.  When someone else is in control whether it be work or just any old task such as sweeping the sidewalk I tend to have a lot of anxiety and end up doing something wrong or just not doing it at all.  I never really thought about this until now but does this mean that I can’t take authority?  No, I think that I just function better when I manage myself.  Maybe this is the reason I’ve always wanted to own my own business.

 

I have decided that to control my bipolar I need to do something that I enjoy doing each day. I enjoy cooking and since my Mom can’t really do it I thought that today I would cook something.  I’m of Romanian descent and thought I would make a Romanian dish especially since my Mom is full blooded Romanian.  As a child and teenager my Grandmother taught me how to make some of the dishes she grew up on as well as my Mom.  My Grandmother and Mom both came from poor families but always had food on the table.  One of the dishes that my Grandmother taught me how to make was Mamaliga and Cheese (brick cheese is the best) which is basically Mush.  It was cheap to make and very hearty.  Here is the recipe that I made.

 

Mamaliga And Cheese

 

Ingrediants:

• 2 cups yellow cormeal
• 5 cups water
• 2 teaspoons salt
• ½ stick butter
• 1 pound brick cheese

Directions:

• Let the water boil, then cut the fire to low.
• Put corn meal in the center of the pan to form a peak like a pyramid.
• Put in salt and let it cook gently for 20 minutes.
• After 20 minutes take off the heat.
• Pour some of the water into another pan without letting any of the cornmeal out of the pan.
• Use a wooden spoon and start mixing the cornmeal, If it needs more water you can use some of the   water you poured out earlier.
• Add the butter in to the mixture as your stirring it.
• Get a casserole dish and spread a layer of the mixture on the bottom.
• Grate the brick cheese and place a large amount over the cornmeal mixture.
• Place another layer of the cornmeal mixture in the casserole dish.
• Top that layer with a large amount of the brick cheese.
• Depending on the size of the casserole you may have more layers but the last layer should be cheese.
• Bake in a 400 degree oven for 15 to 20 minutes.

Here is an old Romanian recipe I found that my recipe is a variation of.

 

Click the picture to enlarge.