Day 42 "Mixed State Today"

I got up at around noon today and  had slept for about nine hours.  I went with my cousin to her parent’s house and we went for a ride that was nice.  It was nice to get out of the house.  I was very groggy up until about 6pm and then I felt a little more alert.  Even though I felt a little more alert I still was depressed and had no hope for my future. 

I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like my time has passed quite a bit.  I feel like I’m going to have no place to live, nothing to drive, and no money to take care myself.  I so much want to feel different but I just can’t.  It’s now about 1am and I’m going to bed.

Day 41 "Another Day Of Anger"

I woke up at 215pm today after finally falling asleep around 5am.  I was really groggy when I woke up and was angry because I had to go to my sisters and I had no motivation.  Those thoughts continued through the afternoon along with me snapping at my sister and brother in law a few times. 

People just drive me nuts and I would rather just be by myself.  Is there anything wrong with that?  A few people asked me how I was today and I don’t feel like I can be honest because the first time I say Bipolar Disorder there going to want to change the subject or tell me that I’m wrong.  So I just told them my thyroid was off and left the whole bipolar thing alone.  I’m just glad I’m back at home now.

Day 40 "Today Was An Angry Hypomanic Kind Of Day"

I had a hard time falling asleep but once I did I slept for twelve hours only getting up to get my pills with the alarm I had set and going to the bathroom.  It was sometime after 5 in the afternoon when I was able to get up.  There was nobody home when I got up which was good because I was really angry and frustrated and wanted to unload bad on anybody.  I have been taking the Klonopin as directed and I still feel like a loose cannon a lot.  Everything gives me anxiety and I don’t understand why????  Anyway, I was able to get my night pills all taken and my Mom called for me to come and get her from my sister's house and then my cousin called wanting me to drop off two peppers she had left here on the fourth.  So I took my cousin her peppers and then drove to pick up my Mom.  I got back here about 10pm and again messed around on the computer till almost 5 this morning. 

Day 39 "Bad Day Gets Better"

Well, I had a horrible night of sleep and didn’t fall asleep till 7am this morning and ended up only sleeping about 5.5 hours.  I did take my pills a little earlier so that if I fell asleep I wouldn’t have to wake up at 8 am.  Anyway I started out when I woke up a little irritable, angry, and groggy. 

However, I started to feel better in the afternoon.  I wasn’t the life of the party but I was able to get along ok.  I have had a large appetite today and ate a lot of dessert and had a cup of coffee.  I also think I forgot to take my pm Lithium and since I can’t remember I’m just going to resume it in the morning.

Day 38 "Very Slow Today"

I slept for almost 16 hours last night and woke up at 2 this afternoon.  I keep my phone alarm set  for when I take my pills and can get up to do that but it’s right back to bed.  I just didn’t feel like getting up.  Actually at one point I tried to get up and couldn’t get myself to make the physical movement. 

Anyway, I did get up and went to my appointment with my therapist and had an ok session.  She made note that my movements and speech were slower today probably because of the Seroquel.  It makes everything slower for me and leaves me groggy.  However, I need to let this pill do its job and from what I’ve been told I will feel way better and the side effects will get easier. 

My therapist wants me to take my time line and mark it up with my low and high periods and put at what point do my symptoms come in to play.  This is so I know when I’m just having a little moment verses a situation when I need to make a phone call to get help.  She also wants me to find a bipolar peer to peer group to get involved with.  After my session I was still really groggy and not really wanting to be around people.  I would say that the day wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t that great either.

Day 37 "Doing Ok, But Mood Is Low Today"

I woke this morning about 9am and hit the snooze button a couple of times.  That is actually normal for me so I finally got up at 10 and felt pretty good.  I wasn’t groggy or tired.  I was up a bunch of times during the night but felt like I got some sleep.   I was slurring my words when I got into bed last night and for the first hour or so I was up today I slurred my words a little. 

I mowed at my cousin's house this afternoon and that took me about an hour and a half total.  I had to stop several times because it was just too much to handle. I would rest for 10-15 minutes and then continue. I couldn’t wait to get done and get home so I could lie down. 

Even though I slept ok, today my muscles have felt week and I have very slow movements.   I just don’t want to be bothered by people and want to be alone.

Day 36 " Very Irritable Today"

I know that everyone keeps telling me that I need to hang in there and that the medications I’m on may need changed or tweaked to be able to get me to a stable place.  I just want to say that I feel lousy.  I can get out of bed but I’d rather just sleep.  I have no feelings or emotions, I feel like a vegetable, and I feel there’s no hope for my future.  I still stress out from being around a lot of people.  I especially don’t want to be around people I know including friends, relatives, and neighbors.  Being around people makes me irritated and triggers anger for me.  The reason I’m writing this is that I was just looking for a new photo for my front page on Facebook.  I would so much like to go out and take a nice new photo but I just can’t get myself to do that.  My brain wants me to but my body won’t allow it.  The whole thing just irritates me. 

The next thing that irritates me is the drugs that I’m on.  I take Lithium and while I’m only taking 900mg a day I still have to drink almost a gallon of water a day.  I was told to drink no more than that but that I should be drinking 12-16 8 oz. glasses of water a day.  I have also noticed that I get tremors in my hands every now and then.  I was also told to watch my salt intake but she couldn’t give me a specific number to shoot for.  I was also told my thyroid was high after starting to take it.   I also get a little uneasy on my feet from it and have to frequently sit down because I feel like I’m going to fall.  Otherwise it has stopped my mania.

After a month of taking Lithium 90mg I was still having a lot of depression and a little hypomania so she decided to start me on Seroquel 150mg XR for four days and then bump it to 300mg XR until she sees me again.  This medication has taken the life out of me and I feel like I’m walking around like a zombie.  I was told that I need to monitor my weight everyday ad that in addition to weight gain I could develop diabetes.  So far this medication is just making but as of right now I’m having no mania or hypomania.

The next medication I’m on is Klonopin which is a benzodiazepine.  Benzodiazepines are highly addictive and are considered a controlled substance.  There the same kind of drug as a Xanax, Valium, Ativan. In any event she started me on 1.5 mg and I developed a tolerance to that already so she bumped me up to 3 mg. a day.  This pill makes me not care about anything and takes away my anxieties for the most part.  I think to really get rid of (mask) my anxieties I would need to take a clot more of it.

Anyway, I’m not trying to put anyone down or be ungrateful but I feel like Ito get better I have to take a bunch of pills that could kill me in an instance and that stresses me out.  I’m not going to commit suicide but I think it’s ironic that they prescribe you all these drugs that could kill you in a second.

It’s about 9pm and I took my Seroquel along with my Lithium and Klonopin at around 630pm and I am starting to feel the tiredness coming on me.  I hope tonight I sleep well.