Day 3 "No Sleep, Irritable, Depressed, & Suicidal"

Today I woke up at 1130am missed my schedule for taking my am Lithium.  I took it but that meant that I bumped my pm dose to later.  I had a really rough night of sleep and stared at the clock till after 3 am.  The Klonopin did nothing for me at all last night.  Today I was irritated most of the day and even a little confrontational.  I have cried several times today and have been pretty depressed.  I at one point even thought about suicide but thank god I’m too chicken to do that.  It’s been an overall not so good day except for the fact that I was able to follow my diet today and drink a lot of water.  I feel pretty lethargic overall. 

Day 2 "Binged And Purged Today"

Today I started taking two 300mg Lithium capsules and everything went pretty good today in respect to that.  I didn’t sleep very well last night and even taking a .5mg klonopin I was still kind of edgy all day.  The only time I seemed to get tired was after dinner.  Today I had a binge and purge moment because all I wanted to do all day was eat.  It just happened and I tried talking myself out of it but it just happened.  I’m looking forward to this day being over and starting a new day tomorrow.

Day 1 "On Medication and Hopeful"

My appetite was huge today and I ate all day.  We had a cookout and I couldn’t keep my hands off of anything.  I bought a cake at the grocery store and ate just about half of it.  Well, after I ate all this food I decided in my mind that I needed to get rid of it and that’s what I did.  I felt better when it was all out of my system but felt guilty.  I’m looking forward to a better day tomorrow.  I started taking one lithium in the morning and one in the evening and tomorrow my evening dose increases to two pills.  I’m hoping that all goes well with that. 

2013 Year Review Before Bipolar1 Diagnosis

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2013

March 2013 – Present

• I have binged and purged 15 to twenty times the last three months. 
• I envision myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I have no interest in anything that I used to enjoy doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy, gardening).
• I get very jumpy when driving and have had to pull over before because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
• I have a lot of anxiety and it elevates over voices, sounds, noises, television.
• I have been very hypersexual and looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• All I can think about is sex sometimes. 
• Again, I have been very interested in hooking up with only guys and have posted ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice.  
• Something takes over in my mind and I just want what I want and if I don’t get it I will crash into a depressive angry state until I have my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I can think about is the pleasure I will experience and it makes me want that feeling even more. 
• When I’m hypersexual my sleep changes to me staying up all night sometimes for days at a time putting singles ads on craigslist and looking at porn.
• When I’m depressed all I want to do is sleep for 14 to 16 hours at a time.
• I always feel stressed and very anxious. 
• I much prefer the quiet because certain noises cause me anxiety
• I have no hope for my future.
• I think about death a lot and how mine might play out. 
• I have a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I am on edge all the time and will snap at a moment’s notice. 
• I got upset with my little three year old niece in April 2013 picked her up, shook her, yelled in her face, and tossed her on the couch. 
• I have been on a mission to lead a healthier lifestyle and have lost 35 pounds since February. 
• I have angry outbursts where I say horrible things about others and those around me see it as very funny. 
• The worst part about these angry outbursts is that I can’t stop once I start and the harder people laugh at me the angrier I get.  

 

2012 Year Review Age 40

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2012

March-April

• Job Started, Ice Cream Shop, Part Time Line Cook/Delivery Driver.

February 2012 – May 2012

• Overall mood was great.
• I was binging and purging a lot.
• Didn’t sleep for days on end and when I did it was usually only for three to four hours at most.
• Started using marijuana more regularly and consuming anywhere from two to three bowls up to two to three joints. 
• The pot put a stop to racing thoughts and helped me to refrain from being more manic than I was and it also helped me to not binge and purge as much.
• I was very hypersexual during this time and was looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• I also was very interested in hooking up with only guys and would post ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I would usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice. 
• These were the times I would actually be inclined to shower and shave which I would do before I place the ad so that I was ready to go as soon as I got a taker.  Something would takes over in my mind and I would just want what I want and if I didn’t get it I would crash into a depressive angry state until my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I could think about was the pleasure I would experience and it made me want that feeling even more.  I had a vision of myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I was easily agitated and angered by the littlest of things
• I had accelerated speech a lot and could talk for hours.
• I was spending about $65/week on marijuana which is what a half of the cheap stuff cost. 
• On two other occasions I spent $100 per quarter to buy better quality. 
• The better quality lasted a long time and really helped with my anxiety but not so well with my depression so I only used it when I was manic or hypersexual.
• It felt great to be working and this job had the least amount of responsibility of any I’ve ever had. 
• I was also only working there about twelve hours a week to start with no responsibility. 
• All I had to do was follow simple instructions of making food, bag orders, take orders over the phone, and deliver customer orders. 
• After about three weeks my hours picked up to around 30 a week and I started feeling very stressed and angry. 
• As a result I started making lots of mistakes and became so frustrated that I just texted my boss one morning and said I wasn’t coming in again. 
• I have angry outbursts where I say horrible things about others and those around me see it as very funny. 
• The worst part is that I can’t stop once I start and the harder people laugh at me the angrier and more upset I get. 

May

• Job Ended, Ice Cream Shop, Quit/No Notice.

June

• Stopped Smoking Marijuana as it’s not good for my health.

June 2012 – March 2013

• I felt lethargic.
• I had no interest in anything that I used to enjoy doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy, being outside).
• I cut ties with everyone I hung out with in the past and the only people I have contact with are family. 
•  I can’t be upset about cutting these ties though because most of these people were toxic. 
• I get very jumpy when driving and have had to pull over before because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
• Had lunch with a former co-manager I used to work with at Big Lots and we had lunch in August 2012. 
• This is the only social time I’ve had away from home in almost a year.  This was the nicest event that occurred for me in 2012.
• Most of the time I wanted to sleep and everyday consisted of about 14-16 hours in bed.
• My speech was labored and much more slower than when I’m experiencing mania.
• My general coordination was slower than normal.
• I always felt stressed and very anxious.
• I much preferred the quiet because certain noises caused me anxiety.
• I had no hope for my future.
• I thought about death a lot and how mine might play out. 
• I had a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I was on edge all the time and ready to snap at a moment’s notice. 

November

• Stopped Smoking Cigarettes like I did pot because of health reasons. 
• I had way more withdrawal with cigarettes though. 
• In any event after about three months I stopped coughing every two minutes and it feels great. 
• My lungs are recovering and for that I’m thankful!

2011 Year Review Age 39

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2011

February

• Job Ended, Pizza Shop, Walked Out Mid-Shift

June 

• Began therapy sessions at a Behavioral Health Clinic because I was having major depression associated with my Cyclothymia.

September

• Ended treatment at the Behavioral Health Clinic because I was prescribed Prozac and Trazadone together with no mood stabilizer after telling both my therapist and the nurse practitioner that I had been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a mild form of Bipolar. 
• During the time I took the Prozac which was seven days my depression shifted from depression to hypomania where I couldn’t sleep and became hypersexual. 
• I felt like they thought I was making excuses as to why I wasn’t working and that I was faking. 
• Every time I saw the therapist he was kind of confrontational with me and I always felt like he wasn’t really interested. 
• The very first day I went to the clinic, when I was having my intake interview, the young gentleman who was conducting the interview introduced himself to me, immediately told me that he didn’t have any time for small talk, and to keep all my answers short and to the point because he didn’t have time for it. 
• I almost wish I would have gotten up and walked out after that introduction. 
• That’s a real nice way to treat someone in a mental health setting who already feels like crap and especially by someone who is a counselor/therapist.
• All I wanted was help!!!!

2010 Year Review Age 38

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2010

January

• Job Promotion, Pizza Shop, Part Time Pizza/Chicken Cook to Part Time Shift Manager.

February

• Job Ended, Pizza Shop, Quit/No Notice/Bulimia related.

March

• Job Started Again, Pizza Shop,Part Time Salad Prep/Chicken Cook.

May

• Job Promotion, Pizza Shop, Part Time Salad Prep/Chicken Cook to Shift Manager.

November 2010 – December 2011

• Started calling off work weekly.  I even faked car troubles so that I could sleep.
• I smoked marijuana during this period but maybe only a dozen or two times when I had a lot of anxiety or I was going to binge and purge.
• My appetite was mostly low but I had a few instances where I wanted to eat everything that resulted in my purging.
• I felt sick all the time.
• I lost interest in everything that I enjoyed doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy).
• I wanted to sleep all the time and would sometimes sleep for 14 to 16 hours at a time.
• I always felt stressed and was very anxious.
• I had accelerated speech a lot and could talk for hours when I was manic and when my mood was low my speech was very labored.
• I had no hope for my future.
• I thought about death all the time and how mine might play out. 
• I never wanted to kill myself but thought that I was going to drop dead.
• I had a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I messed up scheduling at work multiple times as well as the store’s weekly ordering and I eventually lost both responsibilities to someone else.
• I was on edge all the time and would snap at a moment’s notice both at home and at work.
• I was very hypersexual during this time. 
• I was looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• I also was very interested in hooking up with only guys after i quit my job and would post ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I would usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email over and over ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice which were also the times I would actually be inclined to shower and shave.  
• Something would takes over in my mind and I would just want what I want and if I didn’t get it I would crash into a depressive angry state until my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I could think about was the pleasure I may experience and it made me want that feeling even more. 
• I had a vision of myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I was successful five times in having a hookup during the month of March and April.  During this time I had encounters with two females and three different men. 
• One of the men I met up with on three different occasions.