"NEW MED MORE PROBLEMS"

So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and he's probably going to start me on a new medication to replace the reactions I was having to another new medication called Vraylar. It is similar to Abilify, Serequel, and Latuda.  It seems like I'm allergic to everything and as a result I continue to have mixed episodes.  My doctor says it's looking as if I'm treatment resistant.  Well, what does that mean?  I know medication isn't my cure but without something I'm gonna end up in a bad place.  Furthermore, my psychiatrist did lower my lithium dose which I  thought was a mistake seeing as I was doing better on the higher dose.  I want to know why my lithium was lowered in the first place.  All I know is that today Im gonna find out what exactly treatment resistant means and what happens next.

"THE NEW PUPPY"

First off, I live with my Mom in the same house I grew up in.  Well, my sister and husband decided they needed a puppy for their two children age 5 and 10.  They also thought my Mom needed one as well.  So when they went to pick up the puppies the breeder had the last puppy in the litter who was supposed to be going to another person.  This person apparently never showed up and of course my crazy in love sister bought the last puppy as well.  I think it was all a lie to guilt my sister into buying the last puppy.  So there are now three puppies.

Now, my nephew and niece and their two puppies come to my Mom's house everyday.  The puppies aren't housebroken and my sister wants everything her way.  My Mom and I were on the same page as to how the puppy would be trained and fed.  Well, that's all changed.

We were going to train the puppy to use a litter box on our screened in porch.  We decided this because of the many red tailed hawks we have in our yard and the very small size of the Chiweenie puppy who weighs 2lbs and 2oz.  I've witnessed a hawk swoop down grab a full sized squirrel smother it and carry it off. 

Well my sister said everything would be ok and that the kids will take their dogs out in the yard.  Because of this my Mom is taking her dog into the yard as well.  They won't know what hit them if a hawk swoops down and grabs one of the puppies which each weighs around 2lbs.  It would be very traumatic for everyone

So I'm trying to not get attached to my Mom's puppy.  It's just one more thing to add to the list of things I have anxiety about.  I've lived in the same house for my entire life and dread the day when I'm going to have to move out since there's more owed on the house than it's value.  The house payment is more than I get from SS every month.  My sister would also take the dog to her house.

I want my Mom to live forever but none of us will.  I feel like I'm being selfish but I'm just trying to prepare for the future so that I'll be able to cope when my Mom passes away unless I pass away first.  It's going to be so hard to leave the only home I've ever known and now there's a puppy involved.  I know I'm going to bond with him and with a life span of around 16 years old and my Mom being 74 there's a good chance he'll outlive her.  It would be devastating to lose my Mom, life long home, and a dog all at once.  There would be nothing left in my life.

Well,  I don't want pity from anyone.  I just wish that people would think about how their actions effect others.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar over eight years ago and my family still treats me like I'm just a drama queen.  It's very frustrating. I've been having mixed episodes for the last five months making everything worse.  I could try another medication but the doctor says I'm treatment resistant.  Anyway, I wish people in general could show a little more compassion and empathy for those with a disability  or mental illness.

Switch shoes with a friend or family member for a day and see how they fit and wear.

"I'M STILL HERE"

Well, I haven't posted here since February of 2015.  I'm not going to apologize because this is the one place I can express my thoughts and don't have to answer to anyone.  I don't really care about who follows me or just comes across the blog.  It's just a place where I can write my thoughts and relax.  Now, with that being said It would be nice if someone found this blog that was going through the same issues as me.

As for what I've been up to the last year and a half has been a real roller coaster ride.  I was awarded full disability in July 2015 after a three year process of applying for and being denied several times.  I finally got a court date in April 2015,  went before a judge, had a psychological exam and then awarded full disability.  The whole process was long, exhausting, very intrusive, and very demeaning to me.  The judge wrote in his favorable decision that I had below average intelligence.  Seeing that just hurt a lot. 

Anyway, I now get a monthly check from Social Security and have Medicare and Medicaid.  I would have gotten the Medicare alone but my monthly income being so low qualifies me for Medicaid which is basically welfare.  In any event it's nice to be able to better take care of myself. 

Now onto my mental issues which is by far my least favorite subject.  First off, I've seen two different psychiatrists since I last posted and both have a different approach to treating me.  The first psychiatrist I had was an Osteopath and took a real interest in my overall health.  He was careful about the medications he prescribed and weaned me off the benzodiazapines I was taking which took almost a year.  I felt like I was becoming stronger and he said he could see improvement.  Well after a year of seeing him he was fired because he took too long with his patients.  So much for having a doctor that cares.

So here comes my present doctor.  He's a nice guy but reduced my Lithium dose, raised my Lamictal to the maximum, and put me on Xanax and then Klonopin.  So now I'm back on a benzodiazapine and the last year has been hell.

My moods have been up and down and I have been cycling pretty fast.  I can go from mania to depression at the drop of a hat.  My current diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with mixed episodes.  Since last fall the mania has been horrible.  I have racing thoughts about everything from A to Z and its about big ideas and things that I can't have.  I've spent money on things I don't need, started smoking both cigarettes and pot again.  The worst part is being hypersexual and I just want it really bad and will do anything to get it.  It's just bad and I want it to stop.   All this makes me not want to be here a lot which I've told my Psychiatrist but he kind of brushes it off and sends me on my way.

Well, I could go on and on and on but I won't.  I'm just back, glad to be here at this moment, and going to use this blog to express my thoughts whatever they are at the moment, and hopefully this will help me to cope with my condition better.