Day 306 "Having A Bad Day"

Today has been pretty bad day for me. I did nothing today and all I wanted to do was sleep. Whenever I was awake all I thought about was all the running I have to do and coordinating of schedules I have to do. All I wanted to do was cry but I'm just at this point where I can't anymore. I feel like everything is what it is and that I'm never going to live a normal life again. Today I thought about different jobs I might be suitable for but I think my age and skill level will hold me back. However, I have started to pray and I'm hoping that if I can build a better relationship with God maybe I will be more at peace and as a result I might have better luck. Today I also thought about how nice it would be to have a companion. I've always been alone and there's just some things only a companion can understand. Everything is just a little overwhelming to me right now and I need so badly for something good to happen in my life

Day 300 "A Big Milestone For Me"

Today marks the 300th day since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and in just a little over two months it will be a year. I have a lot of down days but I can't believe I've done as well as I have. I'm still not totally stable on my medications. It seems like every time they put me on a drug to supplement the Lithium for depression I have side effects. Hopefully one of these days my doctor will find the right mix for me. However, even though I'm depressed a lot of the time I'm not having any side effects from what I'm taking right now. Even though Spring has arrived today has been a dark and dreary day. It feels more like January outside and all I've wanted to do is nothing. I'm dressed but I could easily go back to bed and just sleep. I'm also having trouble getting on my diet to control my diabetes. Ii did it for a month and lost around 16 pounds but to get my numbers down I need to lose a lot more weight. I need to eat to lose and today I haven't felt like eating at all. On the days when I have felt like getting on board my Mom or sister always want to eat out. They always tell me that I can eat anything and that I just have to eat it in moderation. I believe them but I'm addicted to food and have struggled with an eating disorder in the past so I really have to be careful about how I go about dieting. Well, I have been babbling on and feel like I'm going to stop here.

Day 297 "Had A Good Day And Hoping For More"

Today my mood has been level and that has felt very good. My temper has also been level today. I’m not saying today was perfect but it’s days like today that make me feel more optimistic about my future and how it’s going to play out. I want to be able to work again someday and it’s days like today that I feel it will happen again for me. I’m just going to have to make sure that I continue to follow my treatment plan and that I don’t get mixed up with the wrong kind of people. However, it would be nice to have a friend or two. Somebody or maybe a few people I could confide in. Right now I have one good friend but we are always playing phone tag. I’m hoping this summer we can connect. All in all today has been a good day and I hope that I can have more positive days like this.

Day 295 "Worrying A Lot About Everything"

Today my mood hasn't been that horrible and my temper has been alright as well. I did get a little short with my nephew and niece this evening because they're constantly jumping around and it gives me motion sickness. Other than that today has been one of those days where I just have worried about everything. I mostly worried how I'm going to be able to find a job if I my Disability claim is denied. I've been out of work for over three years and the job outlook for the long term unemployed is horrible. Even if I'm awarded Disability I worry that it won't be enough to take care of me. So you can see, I've just had one of those days where I just worried all day. I need to start thinking more positive thoughts and stay optimistic that something good will come my way.

Day 290 "Why I Am The Way I Am?"

Today my mood hasn't been rotten and I've been just on the low side. I haven't been mean or exploded at anyone as well. I've just wanted to be quiet all day and not do anything. Part of that has to do with the fact that after a spring like day yesterday winter made a comeback today. The cold just sends me over the edge and makes me feel even more depressed than I am. I can't wait till summer when I can sit outside early in the morning and late at night and enjoy the fresh air. I wonder why I am the way I am and why I've turned out the way I have. I think about it all the time and can't come up with an answer. I want so much to be normal like everyone else but it's like something went wrong somewhere. At the rate I'm going I'll never be able to support myself and it's the worst feeling a middle aged man can have. I just keep thinking that there's something out there for me and that I I'll someday find it so that I can finally get a taste of the American dream.

Day 288 "I Don't Know What To Do"

Today my mood has been pretty average. I haven't been too low or too high. However, I've been mildly depressed not knowing what's going to happen with my future. I've been wondering far in to my future. I mostly wonder how I'm going to be able to get a job or make SSDI work at my age to be able to have enough money when it comes time to retire. I just don't see how it's possible without some sort of windfall that I don't see happening. In terms of a job I don't ever see myself being able to ever secure anything making more than minimum wage. I have this dream that I'm able to drop all the extra weight I'm carrying and that I'll look good enough that somebody will want to hire me. Well, enough with the dreams and more prayers might just be what this optimistic bipolar needs.

Day 285 "Depressed"

Today has been a lovely day. The temperature was a lot warmer and the sun was out. It was a preview of what's to come. Me on the other hand, I was depressed all day. I could have stayed in bed all day. I wanted the day to end as fast as it started. Until I can get outsideI have a feeling I'm going to feel this way. I just need for it to be Spring and for Winter to be over. I don't know how much more of the cold I can take. I keep telling myself that I'm somehow going to get out of this state and move to a warmer climate. Anyway, I'll settle for Spring now and worry about moving out of state later.

Day 283 "Got My Tooth Pulled Today"

This morning I was really scared and full of anxiety over getting my tooth pulled. I made sure I had a Klonopin in me an hour before I left for the Dentist but that didn't work for me at all. I was really nervous as soon as I hit the door and stayed that way until I came home. Well anyway once I was in the chair the doctor numbed me twice and then just came in and started pulling until he had it out. There was some pain involved and I asked him to stop on two occasions. But he just kept going until he had it out. So it was a rough morning to say the least. I came home and took a three hour nap and then had to go and get my nephew from school. I am happy to say that I haven't had any pain or discomfort up until now. As it's getting later I'm having a little pain but nothing like I thought it would be. So I'm going to take a pain pill and relax just incase any pain starts.

Day 282 "Random Things"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part. I've been a little depressed but I think that's a result of this weather. Winter hasn't let up once since it's beginning and everyone just wants warmer weather. I don't even think I'll complain this summer when it gets into nineties. That's something I usually do a lot when it gets hot like that. Tonight my Mom took me out for dinner and we haven't done that for a long time. She wanted to get out and I needed to get out. We had nice conversation and it was nice to just sit and talk about whatever. We then went to the grocery store and did a little shopping plus I had to pick up a prescription. I usually don't do well in the store but did alright and was able to refrain from getting angry. Well, I'm now sitting around starting to think about going to bed. I had to take my uncle for his chemotherapy treatment this morning and have been up for almost fourteen hours. Plus I'm having a tooth extracted tomorrow morning. I started to have the tooth pulled last week but there was a lot of infection. The Dentist couldn't get me numb enough and when he started pulling the tooth the pain was horrible. Needless to say he sent me home with an antibiotic and we're going to try this again.