Day 66 "I'm Angry Today"

So I went to the doctor this week and was very happy because I thought my life was moving in a positive direction.  My blood pressure has been a little elevated and the doctor decided to put me on blood pressure medicine to keep it down.  I told the doctor as well as gave him a list of all medications I takefor bipolar disorder and figured he would understand what that means. 

Well he decided that in addition to my daily dose of 900mg Lithium I should also take 10mg Lisonopril (Nestril) because I have elevated blood pressure.  It’s been two days since I started this ritual but every morning when I take the blood pressure medication I get really tired and feel as if I need a nap.  I can be wide awake and all of a sudden I just need to lay down.  Well I did a little bit of research on this matter and it turns out that Lisonopril can seriously cause Lithium levels to rise to toxic levels.

According to to WebMD a serious interaction may occur and cause harmful effects.  Your blood pressure medicine makes your kidneys remove extra sodium from your blood.  This decreases the amount of lithium your kidneys remove.  As a result, your blood levels of Lithium may increase and cause toxic effects.

If you experience drowsiness, tiredness, increased thirst, increased urination, weight gain, tremors, changes in your heart rate, or confusion, contact your doctor.  It may be necessary to monitor the Lithium levels in your blood more often.  Your doctor may need to adjust the dose of your medicine or change you to a different medicine for high blood pressure.  Do not start, stop, or change the dosage of any medicine before checking with your doctor first.

I feel very let down and am obviously upset.  I don’t want to end up in the hospital with Lithium toxicity and just want to be ok.  I understand that it’s a lot of work for all these doctors and nurses to be able to keep up with everything but I do feel that doctors should have a basic understanding of how psych drugs work.  I feel there’s no excuse that I should have to chase my doctor down tomorrow and Friday to try to get something other than Lisonopril or get my dosage of Lithium reduced.  I guess it's a god thing I take a drug for anxiety because I have anxiety!!

My next question is what happens if they want to reduce my Lithium?  That’s the drug I use to control my mania and if I do that am I setting myself up for manic episode.  I just don’t know what to do and wish I had someone who could just make the right decision for me.  Oh well, I don’t think that’s going to happen.  I guess we’ll just have to see how this one plays out.  I JUST NEED TO GET MY DIET UNDER CONTROL SO I DON’T NEED BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION.

Other than really being down this evening because of this medication thing, my mood has been pretty good all day.  It was best this afternoon because this morning I really just wanted to sleep and not be bothered.  I’m going to try and keep positive  about this because negativity is only going to make it worse.

Day 65 "Today Has Been Pretty Stable"

Today has been a stable day in terms of my bipolar.  I haven't been jumping all over the place and super happy but I've been pretty content and able to function.  I had an appointment with the Dentist this morning at the clinic where I now have a doctor as well.  One thing I noticed is that I think they think I'm nuts because I have bipolar which is written on the top of my chart.   I was there yesterday and today and on both occasions they kind of treated me like I was a nut case.   I can't help it when I talk fast or am anxious and I sure which people could understand that and move on.  Anyway, I'm grateful that I'm seeing a doctor and that I'm getting myself on the correct path.  

 Today was the first day of high blood pressure medicine for me and that had me a little anxious especially since my Mother of course thinks they're wrong.  She told me this morning that there's no way I need heart medicine.   Nothing like using the word heart to make me feel even more anxious about it.  I talked to my pharmacist last night and he told me to watch how I felt and check my own blood pressure because of some of the other medications I'm on.  It's all just new for me and I'm going to have to get used to it.  I think when I start eating better again I will feel even better.

Well, I'm going to practice what I preach and do something I enjoy tonight to get my mind off all the doom and gloom. I bought a tent a number of months ago and m nephew and I are going to sleep out.  He's seven years old and a little chatter box!  I'm sure he'll talk my ear off for a long time but it's nice to do something I enjoy.  To be that optimistic bipolar I have to learn to live with and manage all this stuff in my my life and not let it bother or control me.

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Day 64 "I Knew This Day Would Finally Show Up"

There's a time in your life when nothing matters. You can do what you want, act like you want, and say what you want. I was like this for along time because of my bipolar. I just didn't really worry about my health and just did what I did. Well, today that ended for me and I had a wake up call. I saw the doctor and he put me on blood pressure medicine, thyroid medicine, and he's thinking about medicine for diabetes because my numbers were a little elevated there as well. They also took blood from me today which took five different tries and did an EKG which was ok.  

I'm not surprised that any of this happened today because I knew I wasn't in the best of health. The thing that bothered me is that I kept thinking back thirty years ago when my Dad went through the same things I did. I can remember him being scared for many months and feeling depressed. After my Dad got all the tests and was put on the medication he really didn't change anything in his life. He didn't exercise and didn't change his eating habits.

Well, this is where I'm going to be different. I have this need to live and be healthy and somehow I'm going to figure it all out. There is this free website called SparkPeople.com which is the largest online diet and healthy living community with over 12 million registered members. Unlike Weight Watchers where you are budgeted so many points a day that you can spend freely. SparkPeople teaches you how to eat by presenting you with the nutrients you need to survive. I did Weight Watcher's for a while and I was eating a ton of processed food. When I switched to SparkPeople.com I started looking at the different nutrients I was inhaling and started to change. I haven't been on the site much since I started my treatment for bipolar I'm going to change that and get back with it especially since it's free and has much the same information as Weight Watchers.

Today my bipolar started out in the normal range because I was excited about going to the doctor but as the visit approached I became a little more depressed and just didn't want to go. I wanted to hide from the truth but that's what I always seem to do so I just decided to go with it and it happened. I have to take a few more pills now but maybe I can lose some more weight and not have to take those pills. The way I see it, the choice is mine!

Day 63 "The Biggest Influence In My Life"

Today my mood has been good the entire day.  The only problem I’ve had is that I just wanted to sleep all day and did.  I slept for over 15 hours today.  However, I did a lot of thinking about my Dad today and how if I only had five more minutes with him what would I say.

My father passed away in 2010 from cancer.  He was a quiet man, worked continuously for 42 years, got along with everyone, and was always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone in need. When he was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 he withdrew from the family, was very depressed, and spent his last nine months of life mostly by himself. 

During this time, I let my bipolar control me and became very depressed and self absorbed spending many nights at the bar with friends drinking.  I incurred a lot of debt because I spent a lot of money on booze, marijuana, and I bought a big screen television.   I have accepted my Father's death and have no regrets.  However, I do wish that I would have spent more time with him instead of the bar but that’s how I chose to cope. 

He's had the biggest influence on my life and is the kind of person I aspire to be.  We didn't always see eye to eye and there was a lot of times where I didn't understand why he did the things he did and said the things he said.   As I'm getting older I'm remembering a lot and many of the things he said and did are making a lot of sense helping me to make better choices and taking back charge of my life and not letting bipolar define who I am.  All he ever wanted was for me to:

1. Be honest with myself and everyone I deal with!
2. Finish what I start!
3. Be thankful for what I have!

These rules make so much sense to me now and are ever so important.  Five years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want.  As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions which impacted my life in a negative way.  Things are making much more sense to me now than ever before.  I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight because of my Father which motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life.

Bipolar happens and some days are much worse than others but I just have to make the best of it and following my Dad's three basic rules that help me lead an honest open life. So, If I had five more minutes with my Dad I would say “Thank you Dad for showing me the way, guiding me to the correct path, and always loving me bipolar or not!”



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Day 62 "If I Had The Choice, Would I Choose Not To Be Bipolar?"

Bipolar is something I wish I would have never had because of all the negative things it has brought to my life.  I think I would have fared better in terms of relationships and employment.  I think a lot about those two statements a lot and in the beginning when I was first diagnosed as bipolar that's exactly how I felt all the time.  As time has moved forward and I'm beginning to understand more about what bipolar is and what it does I'm changing my outlook on the this subject

I feel like being bipolar is helping me to gain a better sense of my inner self that I'm starting to appreciate more than having lots of money or the best job.  I've always said "everything happens for a reason" and believe my bipolar has given me better instinct and incite which is helping to define the person I'm becoming.  So even though I don't like having bipolar I do appreciate the lessons I'm learning by going through it.

One of the big thing I've learned from having this disorder is that a lot of people just can't deal with it and ignore you, stop talking to you, or just act  if you don't exist.  These people can't understand that someone who has untreated bipolar will have both highs and lows that make them act in such a manner that can be disturbing.  I've come to the conclusion that I can't change these people and the only way for me to move on is to let these people go from my life and move on.  It's not healthy to hold on to a one sided relationship or friendship.

Today was a really tiring day after being up the day before for over twenty hours.  My mood has been overall pretty stable all day which is a good thing.  When I finally got to take my Seroquel last night and was able to finally hit the pillow I was out like a light and all I did today was sleep.  It's funny how going one day without a pill can knock you for a loop. It's also interesting to me how one person will say that not taking a certain medication will cause no side effects and another will say the opposite.  All I can say to that is that we're all different and that what works for someone else may not work for you.

Day 61 "An Unplanned Manic Day"

Today was an overall positive day and I got a ton of stuff done.  Yesterday when I went to see my psychiatrists nurse she wouldn't give me my Seroquel because she said the ER doctor didn't specify it on the paperwork when I was released at the ER last week that it would be safe to take the Seroquel and that it wasn't the cause of my Bell's Palsy.  Anyway, I immediately stopped taking it and couldn't sleep for anything last night. So, I got dressed at 5 this morning and took myself in to the ER again and explained my problem.  I met with two doctors and they both said that my Bell's Palsy was looking better and the fact that I was feeling good was great.  In any event, they said it was ok to take Seroquel again on the orders.

I then had to make special arrangements to meet my psychiatrists nurse at another office today so that I could get my pills which actually worked out fine because it was closer to the house.  The only thing that had me distressed was that I had her check my blood pressure and it was 160/82.  She said the bottom number was good but that my top number was high and could be a result of increased salt and that I should watch my intake.  Up until I had started being on medications I was on a diet and doing quite well and I'm going to get back on that ASAP. 

After I left the nurses office I decided to take a ride over to a medical clinic where I live just to see what they could help me with and see if I could possibly get in.  The big thing is that I have a tooth that is abscessed and I've been fighting infection with it for three or four years now.  Anyway, the front desk girl was very helpful and said that if I came in to register on Monday morning that she had an appointment with a doctor that afternoon.  It wasn't a dentist but a doctor who could look me over and address some other things I have going on such as elevated sugar, high thyroid, elevated blood pressure, Bell's Palsy, and she even said he could look at my tooth that has the abscess and may want to do some additional antibiotics in addition to what I'm already taking to really put a stop to the infection before I have it pulled.  I' just so happy that I'm going to be seeing someone and really concentrating on my health.  The best part of this clinic is that they offer a sliding fee schedule that means until I'm on my feet I should be able to get the best possible care while only paying what I can afford.

After I left the doctor's office I went home and got the entire yard mowed and trimmed which took me about two hours.  I didn't take any breaks and just worked til it as all done.  It was a really good feeling to have it all out of the way.  My goal was to get it all done so that I could make a fire tonight and just sit outside and do nothing which I did.  It was nice to just hangout an do nothing with my Mom and cousin.

Today I also contacted the United States Department of Labor Wage and Hour Division because of a job I worked a few weeks in 2012.  More than a year has passed since I voluntarily ended my employment and they owe me a final paycheck. I constructed a letter and let them know that I contacted the United State Department of Labor and let them know that they are in violation and that they could be fined as well as I have a two year statue of limitation to collect.  I sent the letter requiring a signature and hope that it doesn't go any farther and they just send me the back pay, but will see.  Here's a copy of the certified letter I sent the place I worked.



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Today I also operated on about 3 hours of sleep which is probably why I got so much done.  I just couldn't quit and wanted to go until I couldn't stop.  Being bipolar, I'm going to have to learn that I need to take smaller steps because even though  everything I did was good there was also that chance my hypomanic behavior could have went in a bad direction.

Finally, before I sign off tonight I want to say good buy to my Great Aunt who's the youngest sibling of my deceased Grandmother.  My Aunt died at the age of 90 this past week and was a true example of what a lady was.  I had planned to visit her several times over the last few years and she always asked about me.  I just wish that I would have followed through with going and seeing her.  There is so much that I would have liked to ask her.  Good buy Aunt Margie and I hope your enjoying your reunion with your parents, husbands, brothers, sisters, children, and other family.  You will be missed!

Day 60 "Mindfulness"

Today is day 60 of being treated with medication for bipolar 1 and it was an especially difficult day for me.  I had a real hard time sleeping last night only getting about six hours.  I had an appointment with the psychiatrist’s nurse today to get Seroquel and she wouldn’t give it to me because of the doctor that treated my Bell’s Palsy at the ER didn’t mention on the discharge paper if I could take it or not.  It’s really been helping me sleep and done a good job of helping the deep depression I was in when only on Lithium.  In any event, all I’ve done today was sleep and haven’t wanted to get out of bed.  So, I thought I would take this moment to reflect on mindfulness which is living for today.  To be that optimistic bipolar this is something that I need to make sure I’m working at every day. 

Learning to live in the moment has not been an easy task for me.  I’ve let my thoughts be guided by my past and constant worrying about what the future holds.  In my mind, thoughts of my past and constant worrying about the future unconsciously controlled me.  There has been numerous times where I have missed out on what’s right in front of me because I’ve been so distracted by my past and future.  Living in the moment has been something I’ve been working on for a number of months now and is not something you just do.  Living in the moment takes practice by keeping an open mind, focusing on what is in front of you now, and letting your thoughts come and go without hanging on to them.  I’ve been overweight since childhood struggling with bulimia for over a decade, and just diagnosed as bipolar1 severe mania and mixed episodes.  Living in the moment is helping me to lose weight in a healthy way, get my bipolar stabilized all by taking one day at a time and not beating myself up if I make a mistake or obsessing about a future goal. This is what I’ve been doing to live more in the moment.

Every day when I get up I make a cup of coffee and before I do anything else I take ten or fifteen minutes to think about what is in front of me.  Usually I’m outside when this occurs and think about what it looks like outside.  I try to appreciate whatever weather condition is happening at the moment and not think about anything else.  This morning the weather was sunny and about 55 degrees as I watched two red tail hawks unsuccessfully chase a squirrel through my backyard. The point is that during this time I’ve let everything else go and just enjoying the moment for whatever it may bring.

I’ve been doing this regularly since the start of the year and have started to notice that I approach each new day with a new attitude.  I’ve found that I am more positive, less confrontational, and easier to communicate with.  In terms of my weight loss, I don’t view it as a diet anymore but as a life change.  I do still have days where I slip and have a hard time with this life change but part of living in the moment means letting life happen, accepting that life can be good or bad, and just moving on.  I still have a lot riding on my shoulders but the load feels so much lighter.  Before I started living in the moment my moods and emotions would all kind of run together and I never seemed to have a break from that.  Now, I have this time where I let everything go and appreciate only what is front of me.  As I’m getting better at living in the moment I’m finding it to be very exciting and a definite necessity for controlling my bipolar as well as my life.

This picture is the way I live in the moment.  It's really nice to just stare up and enjoy what is in front of you.
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