Day 316 "Drinking Some Booze Today"

Today I was supposed to get my Lithium level checked for about the twentieth time and I shut my alarm off and went back to bed. I've had the prescription for close to two months and I just can't do it. I have so much running I have to do for other people that I'm just so tired and want to sleep. I want to do more for myself but I feel so drained. I'm scheduled to see the psychiatrist this week and I'm hoping he can get me on an antidepressant that will make me feel and function better. I'm sure he's not going to be happy about me not getting Lithium level done yet but hopefully he can help me get myself back on track. Today I've drank a little bit and while I probably shouldn't have it made me feel like I was normal. The tense feelings and anxiety all have went away. Wish me luck with the psychiatrist everybody. I need something food to happen for myself.

Day 312 "The Same Old Song And Dance"

Today and the last few days have all been similar for me. I have wanted to stay in and feel tired. I got a call from my doctor the other day and was told my thyroid was still elevated as he put it. I did some reading and don't quite understand it but it seems that an out of whack thyroid can cause fatigue. I just know that as soon as I started taking lithium my thyroid became a problem and it's been almost a year and it's still not right. I'm just sick of everything being out of whack with myself and it depresses me something terrible in addition to everything else. I was taken off another antipsychotic here a month ago because of the side effects I was having. It seems I have a low tolerance to a lot of drugs. The worst side effect I have to the antipsychotics seems to be weight gain which sends me over the edge. I'm already over weight and then they want me to take a drug that's going to cause me to gain more weight. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and he's going to try and put me on another antipsychotic drug for depression and I'm just afraid at what it's going to do to me. I'm just going to do my best to not get excited and remain optimistic that everything will work out.

Day 306 "Having A Bad Day"

Today has been pretty bad day for me. I did nothing today and all I wanted to do was sleep. Whenever I was awake all I thought about was all the running I have to do and coordinating of schedules I have to do. All I wanted to do was cry but I'm just at this point where I can't anymore. I feel like everything is what it is and that I'm never going to live a normal life again. Today I thought about different jobs I might be suitable for but I think my age and skill level will hold me back. However, I have started to pray and I'm hoping that if I can build a better relationship with God maybe I will be more at peace and as a result I might have better luck. Today I also thought about how nice it would be to have a companion. I've always been alone and there's just some things only a companion can understand. Everything is just a little overwhelming to me right now and I need so badly for something good to happen in my life

Day 300 "A Big Milestone For Me"

Today marks the 300th day since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and in just a little over two months it will be a year. I have a lot of down days but I can't believe I've done as well as I have. I'm still not totally stable on my medications. It seems like every time they put me on a drug to supplement the Lithium for depression I have side effects. Hopefully one of these days my doctor will find the right mix for me. However, even though I'm depressed a lot of the time I'm not having any side effects from what I'm taking right now. Even though Spring has arrived today has been a dark and dreary day. It feels more like January outside and all I've wanted to do is nothing. I'm dressed but I could easily go back to bed and just sleep. I'm also having trouble getting on my diet to control my diabetes. Ii did it for a month and lost around 16 pounds but to get my numbers down I need to lose a lot more weight. I need to eat to lose and today I haven't felt like eating at all. On the days when I have felt like getting on board my Mom or sister always want to eat out. They always tell me that I can eat anything and that I just have to eat it in moderation. I believe them but I'm addicted to food and have struggled with an eating disorder in the past so I really have to be careful about how I go about dieting. Well, I have been babbling on and feel like I'm going to stop here.

Day 297 "Had A Good Day And Hoping For More"

Today my mood has been level and that has felt very good. My temper has also been level today. I’m not saying today was perfect but it’s days like today that make me feel more optimistic about my future and how it’s going to play out. I want to be able to work again someday and it’s days like today that I feel it will happen again for me. I’m just going to have to make sure that I continue to follow my treatment plan and that I don’t get mixed up with the wrong kind of people. However, it would be nice to have a friend or two. Somebody or maybe a few people I could confide in. Right now I have one good friend but we are always playing phone tag. I’m hoping this summer we can connect. All in all today has been a good day and I hope that I can have more positive days like this.

Day 295 "Worrying A Lot About Everything"

Today my mood hasn't been that horrible and my temper has been alright as well. I did get a little short with my nephew and niece this evening because they're constantly jumping around and it gives me motion sickness. Other than that today has been one of those days where I just have worried about everything. I mostly worried how I'm going to be able to find a job if I my Disability claim is denied. I've been out of work for over three years and the job outlook for the long term unemployed is horrible. Even if I'm awarded Disability I worry that it won't be enough to take care of me. So you can see, I've just had one of those days where I just worried all day. I need to start thinking more positive thoughts and stay optimistic that something good will come my way.

Day 290 "Why I Am The Way I Am?"

Today my mood hasn't been rotten and I've been just on the low side. I haven't been mean or exploded at anyone as well. I've just wanted to be quiet all day and not do anything. Part of that has to do with the fact that after a spring like day yesterday winter made a comeback today. The cold just sends me over the edge and makes me feel even more depressed than I am. I can't wait till summer when I can sit outside early in the morning and late at night and enjoy the fresh air. I wonder why I am the way I am and why I've turned out the way I have. I think about it all the time and can't come up with an answer. I want so much to be normal like everyone else but it's like something went wrong somewhere. At the rate I'm going I'll never be able to support myself and it's the worst feeling a middle aged man can have. I just keep thinking that there's something out there for me and that I I'll someday find it so that I can finally get a taste of the American dream.