Day 116 "Just Another Day"

Last night I slept the first half of the night well.  I woke up about three in the morning to use the bathroom and was up and down several times over the next few hours.  At one point I felt like my heart was racing but don't know for sure.  I ended up sitting up in a chair for a few hours until I felt comfortable enough to lay back down.  I have noticed since I started taking Abilify that I'm not really tired but my head kind of hurts a little.  Today I also noticed a slight tremor in my left hand.  I'm not going to make a big deal about any of this yet and continue to give this drug a chance.

I'm not doing very well with following a diabetic diet at all.  I have never been a big fan of vegetables and have a hard time eating them.  I know I have to learn how to eat correctly in order to be able to control my diabetes but it's just so hard.  When I saw the doctor all he did was prescribe me a lot of Metformin and say he didn't need to see me back for six months.  How is that giving me any sort of guidance on how to control this disease.  He also diagnosed me as being diabetes type 1.5 which I had never heard of before.  I've said it before and I'll say it again that he and his staff have poor customer service skills.  Somehow I will figure how to correctly eat on my own and get this diabetes under control.

I got a letter from Social Security today conforming that I applied for a reconsideration since being denied benefits.  The best part is that I didn't have to do anything now that I have a lawyer.  I finally feel like I have someone on my side.  She told me she'll get everything in order for my case and that I don't have to do anything except ask questions and show up for appointments.  The lawyer gets 25% of my back pay which is totally worth it to me because they're going to do all the leg work.  The only thing that kinda stinks is that it may take up to a year. 

I stopped at my uncle's house today and ha a nice visit with him and my aunt.  He found out that his Pet Scan is going to be this next Tuesday at 8 a.m.  I told him I would take him and that it actually works out good for me because I need to have my blood drawn to check my Lithium level and A1C numbers.  The only problem is that I'm going to have to miss the group session I started attending on mindfulness last week.  This will be the third time they've met and the second time I've missed.  I'm thinking about just dropping out of the group all together because when I gave my uncle my availability I wasn't in the group yet and told him that my Tuesdays were open. 

Day 115 "Did Nothing Today"

Last night I got my Mom out of the house and had dinner.  It was nice to get out and it was also nice to see my Mom starting to move better.  She still needs her walker but is starting to get her ability to walk without it.  I call that the magic of healing.  I'm looking forward to getting her out of the house more.  This weekend Fall begins and to me that means new beginnings.  Summer hasn't been very good for myself or anyone else in my family so in my mind this is a new period and I'm excited about it.

When we got home from dinner last night I had to go to bed right away.  I think my tiredness had to do with starting to take Abilify.  I read that there could be some drowsiness in the beginning but it wouldn't last.  Well I slept for twelve hours but was then able to get up with no problem and was very alert.  That's a big improvement over the Seroquel that I'm really happy about.  I just hope this new medication can help my depression.  In any event I did nothing today and it felt good.  I needed some me time and got it.  I hope tomorrow is as good as today but who knows how I'll feel.

Day 114 "Had A Full Day"

I took my first Abilify after dinner last night and it never made me sleepy.  I was able to sleep the entire night and wake when I needed too.  It was a nice change to be able to get out of bed without any trouble.  When I was taking Seroquel I would have to either roll out of bed or have something to help pull me up.  The only side effect I had with the Abilify was that my heart felt like it was racing a little.  However, it's only been one dose so I need to give it more time before I decide whether it works or not.

This morning I attended a group session that just started on Mindfulness.  The session lasted almost two hours and there's about nine members.  I have a hard time being around people and I'm hoping that I can build some good social skills as well as learn how to be more Mindful.  I don't remember a whole lot but we did do an exercise, kind of like a meditation, where we closed our eyes and the leader instructed us what to focus on.  It was OK if our minds wandered but we were supposed to try and get back to what we were told to focus on.  They also gave us some reading material that I think will help me to do well in the group.  In any event it was a good first session and I look forward to next Tuesday.

This afternoon we took my uncle to the oncologist to find out what his treatment plan is going to be.  The doctor talked for over 30 min and the only thing I got from all of it was that he's going to have a Pet Scan to show exactly where the cancer is.  He said until he has the results of the Pet Scan he won't be able to really tell what stage the cancer is or give any kind of prognosis.  He did say that Chemotherapy and Radiation is probably what is going to happen.  He said my uncle could have surgery down the road to remove the part of the esophagus and stomach where he presently sees the cancer but that a surgery like that requires a long hospital stay as well as a very long recovery period.  He also said studies show that having surgery doesn't have many benefits over the Chemotherapy and Radiation alone.  I just know that there was a lot of information to take in and there's going to be more coming so as of right now I'm just praying that my uncle can have a comfortable end to his life that I hope is years down the road.

Day 113 "Seroquel Replaced With Abilify"

Today I got my wish and was taken off Seroquel but was put on Abilify.  I was told there is less sedation and that it should help my depression which is really bad right now.  I was also told that if I didn't like it we would try something else.  My nurse practitioner seems to listen when I talk and that makes me feel better about the medications I'm taking.

My depression has been off the charts today.  I have been crying on and off all day and I've been arguing back and forth with my Mom.  She has  always had a hard time with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  She thinks that I'm going to get stable and just be able to hold a full time job.  She told me that there's thousands of people that do it everyday so I should be able to do it.  I agree that there's a lot of people that work with their disorder but there's a lot that can't work.  I don't know how it's going to be for me yet as I have a long ways to go before I'm stable.  I just wish my Mom would trust my judgement about my bipolar treatment.

Then there's the diabetes that has me nuts.  My doctor said that I'm type 1.5 which I know nothing about and he didn't bother to explain it to me.  I just know that he scheduled me for an A1C test i a little over a month and a he just put me on medication for the diabetes.  Shouldn't he have scheduled the A1C test for late November or December.  I just don't understand  any of it but I can tell you that I don't want to be on insulin.  The thought of it gives me so much anxiety.  I just hope that my disability claim will be approved  so that I can get medical insurance which takes about 24 months.

Well, I'm going to go to bed because maybe my anxiety will go away for the night.  All I've been doing all evening is stressing about everything and trying to find a simple diabetic diet that is easy to follow.  You would think they would be easy to find but that's not the case.  I have been able to find diabetic recipes but that's a bout it. 

Day 112 "Today I've Been A Mess"

Today Has been a lousy day.  I slept pretty good last night but woke up with a pretty nasty headache.  I haven't had one for a long time and it caught me off guard.  I've also had a lot of diarrhea since starting on metformin for my diabetes and have been dehydrated a lot the last few days.  Tonight I got so worried that I went to the hospital and talked to the nurses in the emergency room about it.  They told me to drink Gatorade to help rehydrate myself and replace the electrolytes I lost.  They said I would be OK but that I should talk to my doctor in the morning.  Well, I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow and we're going to talk.  First off I haven't had a blood draw to check my lithium levels since the first week I was on it.  Since then I've been put on blood pressure medication which I read can increase the toxicity.  Then I'm freaking out because of the diarrhea from the metformin also having an effect on my lithium levels.  I probably have nothing to worry about but it all just makes me nuts. 

So tomorrow when I see my nurse practitioner I'm going to ask her to take me off of the Seroquel because I can't function on it.  It makes me like a zombie and I can't operate the car.  Plus it causes diabetes or can make it worse.  I'm just afraid she's going to try and reduce my dosage and I say why do that when it wasn't working for me at a lower dosage.  I just would like to try something different that has fewer side effects especially diabetes.  Then I'm going to ask her to send me for a blood draw to check my lithium levels.  I've been on the medication since the end of May and with the addition of the blood pressure medicine and medication for diabetes I would say I'm overdue.  I was in the emergency room a few weeks at the end of August and the doctor said I was overdue.  it all makes me angry.  Why hasn't my nurse practitioner been more concerned about my lithium levels knowing all the medications I'm on?  Why didn't my regular doctor do a lithium level test when he did all my blood work knowing that he was prescribing me medication that could cause toxicity?   Sometimes I wish I was a psychiatrist because I would be a little more compassionate and take a little more interest in my patients.  I was a retail manager for quite a while and the one thing that was always stressed was always providing excellent customer service.  Anyway, I could go on forever on how to properly treat people.

Today I went with my cousin over to her Mom and Dad's house for a visit.  My uncle can' hardly swallow at all.  Everything just gets stuck.  My cousin made him some soup like roast that will hopefully go down easy and I took over a blender so that he could make smoothies and milk shakes.  He has his appointment with the Oncologist on Tuesday and then will know what stage the cancer is, the kind of treatment he'll be receiving, and his prognosis.  My cousin is a basket case and my aunt is in denial about the whole thing.  It's been three years since my Dad died from cancer and this experience with my uncle is bringing up a lot of sad memories for me.  All I know is my uncle told me he would be there for me when I started my treatment for bipolar anytime I needed him and I have to be there for him.  I have a bad feeling about everything right now and I'm so hoping that his cancer isn't severe.  My Dad's cancer was all through his liver when they found it and was told that when the chemo stopped working he wouldn't have but a few months left.  My uncle's cancer as far as we know is just in his esophagus and possibly in some lymph nodes.  Anyway, I have to stop talking about for now because I'm just getting myself worked up over things I haven't got answers for yet.

Day 111 "Stressful Day But Ending OK"

I had a difficult time sleeping last night due to the fact that I was nervous about meeting the attorney who's going to represent me in my quest to get approved for disability.  I was about twenty minutes early for my appointment and ended waiting over a half hour because my attorney was with another client.  When I finally got called back in the conference room I calmed down a lot.  My attorney was happy with the paperwork I brought her and said that I made her job a little easier.  She said she could tell that I was OCD by all the information I had for her and the detail I went in to.  In any event I feel a lot better about the whole process because I finally feel like I have support.  So we'll see what happens and I'll keep everyone posted about the process.

Day 110 "Nervous About Social Security Appeal Tomorrow"

Last night I tossed and turned all night but was in bed for almost twelve hours.  I just kept waking up even though I had the windows open and it was a great night for sleeping.  My mood today has been OK but I've been very hypomanic today.  Tomorrow I'm meeting with an attorney in the morning about appealing my disability claim.  I completed their pre interview questionaire and the actual appeal form.  I then found the same appeal form online that I could type then print and I have that for for them as well.  I have a script from my nurse practitioner I'm taking and I also have copies of my last two visits to the doctor's office.  I even debated taking all my pills for them to see.  I feel like I've maybe included too much but I won't know till I actually meet with the attorney in the morning. 

I almost didn't appeal their decision and let it go at that.  The denial letters made me feel like I was some how trying to scam Social Security.  I talked to my therapist and she said I was probably denied because I lacked medical evidence.  I thought about it and she's right.  I was seen over ten years ago for depression and again about six years ago.  I then was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder and quit that treatment after a year.  However, I thought I would at the very least be required to see one of their doctors but that wasn't the case.  They just said that my illnesses weren't severe enough to collect disability.

Summer is almost over and this summer has been the hardest I've ever had to face.  I thought getting stabilized on medications would be easier than it's been.  Taking the medications is easy but the way they make you feel is a whole other issue.  I used to have so many little hobbies I enjoyed but haven't had the desire to do anything.  I do mow the grass with the tractor but even that has been a chore for me this summer.  I want to do so much but I've just felt overwhelmed by it all.  I'm looking forward to fall and the cooler weather.  I'm hoping the change in seasons will have a positive effect on me.  I have a really good friend whom I haven't seen in a year and I'm hoping to get away to see him sometime in the near future.