Day 63 "The Biggest Influence In My Life"

Today my mood has been good the entire day.  The only problem I’ve had is that I just wanted to sleep all day and did.  I slept for over 15 hours today.  However, I did a lot of thinking about my Dad today and how if I only had five more minutes with him what would I say.

My father passed away in 2010 from cancer.  He was a quiet man, worked continuously for 42 years, got along with everyone, and was always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone in need. When he was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 he withdrew from the family, was very depressed, and spent his last nine months of life mostly by himself. 

During this time, I let my bipolar control me and became very depressed and self absorbed spending many nights at the bar with friends drinking.  I incurred a lot of debt because I spent a lot of money on booze, marijuana, and I bought a big screen television.   I have accepted my Father's death and have no regrets.  However, I do wish that I would have spent more time with him instead of the bar but that’s how I chose to cope. 

He's had the biggest influence on my life and is the kind of person I aspire to be.  We didn't always see eye to eye and there was a lot of times where I didn't understand why he did the things he did and said the things he said.   As I'm getting older I'm remembering a lot and many of the things he said and did are making a lot of sense helping me to make better choices and taking back charge of my life and not letting bipolar define who I am.  All he ever wanted was for me to:

1. Be honest with myself and everyone I deal with!
2. Finish what I start!
3. Be thankful for what I have!

These rules make so much sense to me now and are ever so important.  Five years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want.  As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions which impacted my life in a negative way.  Things are making much more sense to me now than ever before.  I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight because of my Father which motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life.

Bipolar happens and some days are much worse than others but I just have to make the best of it and following my Dad's three basic rules that help me lead an honest open life. So, If I had five more minutes with my Dad I would say “Thank you Dad for showing me the way, guiding me to the correct path, and always loving me bipolar or not!”



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Day 62 "If I Had The Choice, Would I Choose Not To Be Bipolar?"

Bipolar is something I wish I would have never had because of all the negative things it has brought to my life.  I think I would have fared better in terms of relationships and employment.  I think a lot about those two statements a lot and in the beginning when I was first diagnosed as bipolar that's exactly how I felt all the time.  As time has moved forward and I'm beginning to understand more about what bipolar is and what it does I'm changing my outlook on the this subject

I feel like being bipolar is helping me to gain a better sense of my inner self that I'm starting to appreciate more than having lots of money or the best job.  I've always said "everything happens for a reason" and believe my bipolar has given me better instinct and incite which is helping to define the person I'm becoming.  So even though I don't like having bipolar I do appreciate the lessons I'm learning by going through it.

One of the big thing I've learned from having this disorder is that a lot of people just can't deal with it and ignore you, stop talking to you, or just act  if you don't exist.  These people can't understand that someone who has untreated bipolar will have both highs and lows that make them act in such a manner that can be disturbing.  I've come to the conclusion that I can't change these people and the only way for me to move on is to let these people go from my life and move on.  It's not healthy to hold on to a one sided relationship or friendship.

Today was a really tiring day after being up the day before for over twenty hours.  My mood has been overall pretty stable all day which is a good thing.  When I finally got to take my Seroquel last night and was able to finally hit the pillow I was out like a light and all I did today was sleep.  It's funny how going one day without a pill can knock you for a loop. It's also interesting to me how one person will say that not taking a certain medication will cause no side effects and another will say the opposite.  All I can say to that is that we're all different and that what works for someone else may not work for you.

Day 61 "An Unplanned Manic Day"

Today was an overall positive day and I got a ton of stuff done.  Yesterday when I went to see my psychiatrists nurse she wouldn't give me my Seroquel because she said the ER doctor didn't specify it on the paperwork when I was released at the ER last week that it would be safe to take the Seroquel and that it wasn't the cause of my Bell's Palsy.  Anyway, I immediately stopped taking it and couldn't sleep for anything last night. So, I got dressed at 5 this morning and took myself in to the ER again and explained my problem.  I met with two doctors and they both said that my Bell's Palsy was looking better and the fact that I was feeling good was great.  In any event, they said it was ok to take Seroquel again on the orders.

I then had to make special arrangements to meet my psychiatrists nurse at another office today so that I could get my pills which actually worked out fine because it was closer to the house.  The only thing that had me distressed was that I had her check my blood pressure and it was 160/82.  She said the bottom number was good but that my top number was high and could be a result of increased salt and that I should watch my intake.  Up until I had started being on medications I was on a diet and doing quite well and I'm going to get back on that ASAP. 

After I left the nurses office I decided to take a ride over to a medical clinic where I live just to see what they could help me with and see if I could possibly get in.  The big thing is that I have a tooth that is abscessed and I've been fighting infection with it for three or four years now.  Anyway, the front desk girl was very helpful and said that if I came in to register on Monday morning that she had an appointment with a doctor that afternoon.  It wasn't a dentist but a doctor who could look me over and address some other things I have going on such as elevated sugar, high thyroid, elevated blood pressure, Bell's Palsy, and she even said he could look at my tooth that has the abscess and may want to do some additional antibiotics in addition to what I'm already taking to really put a stop to the infection before I have it pulled.  I' just so happy that I'm going to be seeing someone and really concentrating on my health.  The best part of this clinic is that they offer a sliding fee schedule that means until I'm on my feet I should be able to get the best possible care while only paying what I can afford.

After I left the doctor's office I went home and got the entire yard mowed and trimmed which took me about two hours.  I didn't take any breaks and just worked til it as all done.  It was a really good feeling to have it all out of the way.  My goal was to get it all done so that I could make a fire tonight and just sit outside and do nothing which I did.  It was nice to just hangout an do nothing with my Mom and cousin.

Today I also contacted the United States Department of Labor Wage and Hour Division because of a job I worked a few weeks in 2012.  More than a year has passed since I voluntarily ended my employment and they owe me a final paycheck. I constructed a letter and let them know that I contacted the United State Department of Labor and let them know that they are in violation and that they could be fined as well as I have a two year statue of limitation to collect.  I sent the letter requiring a signature and hope that it doesn't go any farther and they just send me the back pay, but will see.  Here's a copy of the certified letter I sent the place I worked.



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Today I also operated on about 3 hours of sleep which is probably why I got so much done.  I just couldn't quit and wanted to go until I couldn't stop.  Being bipolar, I'm going to have to learn that I need to take smaller steps because even though  everything I did was good there was also that chance my hypomanic behavior could have went in a bad direction.

Finally, before I sign off tonight I want to say good buy to my Great Aunt who's the youngest sibling of my deceased Grandmother.  My Aunt died at the age of 90 this past week and was a true example of what a lady was.  I had planned to visit her several times over the last few years and she always asked about me.  I just wish that I would have followed through with going and seeing her.  There is so much that I would have liked to ask her.  Good buy Aunt Margie and I hope your enjoying your reunion with your parents, husbands, brothers, sisters, children, and other family.  You will be missed!

Day 60 "Mindfulness"

Today is day 60 of being treated with medication for bipolar 1 and it was an especially difficult day for me.  I had a real hard time sleeping last night only getting about six hours.  I had an appointment with the psychiatrist’s nurse today to get Seroquel and she wouldn’t give it to me because of the doctor that treated my Bell’s Palsy at the ER didn’t mention on the discharge paper if I could take it or not.  It’s really been helping me sleep and done a good job of helping the deep depression I was in when only on Lithium.  In any event, all I’ve done today was sleep and haven’t wanted to get out of bed.  So, I thought I would take this moment to reflect on mindfulness which is living for today.  To be that optimistic bipolar this is something that I need to make sure I’m working at every day. 

Learning to live in the moment has not been an easy task for me.  I’ve let my thoughts be guided by my past and constant worrying about what the future holds.  In my mind, thoughts of my past and constant worrying about the future unconsciously controlled me.  There has been numerous times where I have missed out on what’s right in front of me because I’ve been so distracted by my past and future.  Living in the moment has been something I’ve been working on for a number of months now and is not something you just do.  Living in the moment takes practice by keeping an open mind, focusing on what is in front of you now, and letting your thoughts come and go without hanging on to them.  I’ve been overweight since childhood struggling with bulimia for over a decade, and just diagnosed as bipolar1 severe mania and mixed episodes.  Living in the moment is helping me to lose weight in a healthy way, get my bipolar stabilized all by taking one day at a time and not beating myself up if I make a mistake or obsessing about a future goal. This is what I’ve been doing to live more in the moment.

Every day when I get up I make a cup of coffee and before I do anything else I take ten or fifteen minutes to think about what is in front of me.  Usually I’m outside when this occurs and think about what it looks like outside.  I try to appreciate whatever weather condition is happening at the moment and not think about anything else.  This morning the weather was sunny and about 55 degrees as I watched two red tail hawks unsuccessfully chase a squirrel through my backyard. The point is that during this time I’ve let everything else go and just enjoying the moment for whatever it may bring.

I’ve been doing this regularly since the start of the year and have started to notice that I approach each new day with a new attitude.  I’ve found that I am more positive, less confrontational, and easier to communicate with.  In terms of my weight loss, I don’t view it as a diet anymore but as a life change.  I do still have days where I slip and have a hard time with this life change but part of living in the moment means letting life happen, accepting that life can be good or bad, and just moving on.  I still have a lot riding on my shoulders but the load feels so much lighter.  Before I started living in the moment my moods and emotions would all kind of run together and I never seemed to have a break from that.  Now, I have this time where I let everything go and appreciate only what is front of me.  As I’m getting better at living in the moment I’m finding it to be very exciting and a definite necessity for controlling my bipolar as well as my life.

This picture is the way I live in the moment.  It's really nice to just stare up and enjoy what is in front of you.
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Day 59 " Another Mixed State Kind Of Day Plus Bed Wetting"

Today was a mixed bag of feelings and moods for me.   My Bell's Palsy seems to be improving a little bit which is encouraging.  I already feel like my life is so messed up and the Bell's Palsy just adds to all of that.  Anyway, I seem to be gaining back control of my eye lid.  It's not perfect but I can move it slowly if I take my time.  Other than that my speech is still slurred and when I smile the side of my face with  paralysis still looks like there's a paralysis.  I just keep praying that I will make a full recovery and that everything will be back to normal

Last night before I went to sleep I laid in bed and cried for a good hour.  I just want to know why all these things are happening to me.  Well, I don't have the answers to any of that and will probably never know.  I guess it's just the way the cookie crumbled.  There's no other explanation.  Today I ended up sleeping all day for a grand total of 15 hours and screwed up taking my pills which  was pretty depressing.  I also had a bed wetting accident last night which was depressing too.  That's something I haven't done in 25 years and now I've done it 3 times in the last month.  I will be so relieved and happy when I can say that I'm  stable and that my bipolar is under control.  I never in a million years thought it would be this hard to get things stabilized.

Tonight I thought I would make a fire and sit outside just to do something that's enjoyable to me and also to see if it would help my mood.  Well, other than sitting here alone it's given me something else to focus on other than all the negativity in my life.  I would have to say that for anybody trying to get their bipolar stabilized, try and do one thing that you enjoy everyday.  It could be surfing the Internet, making a fire, riding a bike, talking on the phone., or watching some television.  The point is to not let your bipolar dictate your life to you, but dictate to it how your going to live.

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Day 58 "More Random Thoughts"

First off, I want to say that I've had yet another pretty good day with Bell's Palsy.  I'm hoping that it doesn't last too long and that my face will be back to normal soon.  My goal is to keep on taking my pills and following the doctor's orders one hundred percent.  I do have to say that even though it is annoying that the paralysis causes my mouth not to function correctly, which means I wear a lot of what I drink, it does make me laugh.  Laughter is good for the sole and is helping me to remain sane.

In terms of the Bell's Palsy I have my own theory on what may have caused it. About ten years ago I had a root canal done and had the tooth filled but never had the crown put on it. Well, about two years ago the filling started coming out and In the last six months the last of the filling has come out. Anyway, my sister works for a dentist and has gotten me prescriptions three times because the thing gets so infected. Well the doctor I saw told me I have a bad cavity where the filling was.

The day before yesterday I laid in bed for hours and the pain in and around the gum of that tooth was horrible. This happens from time to time and sometimes I'll wake up and I'll have dried blood on my face. It was uncomfortable all day and later in the evening I was getting a drink of water and when I went to open my mouth I got like a charlie horse in my jaw. It felt really funny and has never happened to me. I'm thinking that the infection in my tooth was so bad that it caused stress on my facial muscles. One of the times I got antibiotics from my sister I had a partial paralysis in my face but it didn't effect my eye like this time. However, since I've started taking the meds I'm feeling much better and I'm going to have the tooth pulled as soon as I'm done on medications for the infection.

Today my mood was pretty stable all day which is an improvement over the highs and lows I had been having.  The only problem I had today was with the Seroquel XR I took last night.  I took it later than normal because I had to eat with one of the medication's I'm on for Bell's Palsy and it caused me to sleep really late today.  I also missed taking a bunch of pills because of this.  So tonight, I just adjusted the times of the pills I needed to take and got to take it a little earlier.  They say that if you eat with the XR (extended release) form of the drug the food can cause the drug to become IR (immediate release) which is something I'm going to look in to.  I had the unfortunate experience of taking an Seroquel IR given to me once and it hit me like a train in about ten minutes and it seemed to where off me and then I couldn't go back to sleep.  I like the how the XR gradually releases the drug in to my system which really helps me to sleep more comfortably the entire night.
 
Finally, I just want to say how happy and grateful I am for the invention of the computer.  When I was in my early twenties we didn't have cell phones or computers.  You had to get on the old rotary dial or push button phone and actually call someone.  The invention of the computer has helped me to stay in touch with the world with the strike of a key.  I can pretty much say what I want and do what I please and because it's the Internet that's my right.  The Internet has given me the opportunity to have a space where I can share with you about my bipolar disorder.  Hopefully something I've written will inspire someone else to take control of their illness and be an optimistic bipolar.

Day 57 "Random Thoughts About Everything"

I read on the net in an article from The Mayo Clinic and it stated that after many tests they have discovered that many people with Bipolar disorder are low on vitamin D.  So, that might be something to think about.  I'm going to be seeing and endocrinologist here in the next few weeks and will be asking her about testing my blood to see If I'm low on vitamin D.  I've heard that people who were deficient in vitamin D began having improvements in blood pressure, deep depression, SAD, and just an overall boost in mood after taking a vitamin D supplement.  I'll take any help I can get and If a little vitamin D pill will help me to stay stabilized I'm all for it.

Today was a pretty good day overall all the pills I have to take.  I take pills for the Bell's Palsy and my Bipolar at 8am, 12pm, 4pm, 6pm, 8pm, 12am, and 2am.  Besides making it hard to leave the house, some of the pills I'm supposed to eat with and others I'm supposed to take on an empty stomach.  I been drinking around a gallon of water a day but I have also been eating at weird times as well.  My face still has paralysis but I've been told that can last for months and that there's a possibility I'll have relapses.  I just can't wait till I'm done with all these pills and can get myself back on a schedule.  By schedule I mean eating, sleeping, and exercising schedule.

As for my bipolar I feel that I'm doing pretty good considering everything that's going on.  The roller coaster that I was on for so long has stopped and I've been able to be off of it for a couple of weeks now.  The Lithium my psychiatrist prescribed really put a halt to the mania I was having and the Seroquel she put me on has helped the deep depression I was having when the Lithium kicked in.  She also prescribed me Klonopin to take and told me that it was supposed to help pull me out of mania as well but I find that it really helps me to relax a lot which is something I've had a hard time doing for a long time.  My heart used to race all the time and that doesn't happen like it used to.

My psychiatrist didn't make any changes to my medications this week because of the Bell's Palsy but I feel a little tweaking will be in order when all is better with my face.  I like what the Seroquel is doing and would like to try a dosage increase to see if it could lift my depression anymore.