Day 6 "So Much Going On In My Head"

I went to bed at around 1130pm last night and fell asleep after about an hour.  I woke up several times during the night and as soon as it was light out I again woke.  After I fell back asleep this morning I slept until 1130am.  I need to get myself on a regular schedule so that I can make sure I’m taking my pills at the same time every day.  Today was another day of depression for me.  I have cried every day this week and today was no exception.  I’ve also had two instances where I thought about suicide which is something that I don’t normally do.  I’ve thought about death a lot but I’ve never had the thought to actually do it.  I feel ok in respects to that right now and am not having any thoughts like that.  I asked God to help me because I want to live.  I have so much that I want to experience out of life.  I just am feeling like a zombie and feel like there is no hope for my future.  My Mom is getting a little better about talking to me about all this but I know that it makes her uncomfortable and I tried to talk about it with my cousin and she listens but I feel like she really isn’t that interested.  I’m supposed to go for a blood draw on Monday morning to see how this Lithium is working in my system and then I’m going to call the nurse and talk to her.  I read that that people who suffer from bulimia might not benefit from Lithium as it may become toxic to them.  Well, I’m bulimic and the last week has been pretty bad.  I’ve binged and purged 5 of the last seven days.  I just want to be safe and get better.  Well, I’m going to get off here and go look at some cars on ebay, it’s the only thing that seems to calm me down at all.

Day 5 "Horrible Dall All The Way Round"

I slept out with my nephew last night and even though it was pretty comfortable out I couldn’t sleep very well.  I was up over half the night.  Today I felt a little bit better in terms of energy but was still really depressed.  I went with my Mom and nephew to eat tonight and again I had another binge and purge moment.  I’m so afraid that Lithium is going to make me blow up like a balloon.  I’m going to try and do better tomorrow.  Without the klonopin I would be an angry mess as I still feel pretty angry.  All I want to do is cry and that's pretty much all I’ve wanted to do since starting Lithium.  I just don’t know what to do, I feel more and more like a vegetable.  

 As an added bonus, my car broke today and needs about $1500 worth of work which I don’t have.  It needs an alternator, serpentine belt, battery, tune up, upper and lower tie rod ends on the driver's side front, and I have two rims that need replaced because they are bent and causing my tires to wear uneven.  This is the car that my Father left to me when he died.  I was with him when he bought it twelve years ago and jokingly asked him if I could have it someday when we were driving it home.  He said when he was six feet under that he didn't care what I did with it.

Well, I was in need of a car the year before he died and he signed the car over to me and I was supposed to make him payments.  I only ever made one payment to him and he knew I really couldn't afford the payments.  I had been very manic during that year before he had cancer and spent my money on everything but my bills.  Anyway, he never said anything to me about it and continued on like there was nothing wrong.  The week before he died it was spring time and he would sit slumped over in a chair on the back screened in porch looking at the ground.

When my Dad died about a week later he was insolvent which means that he had more debt than assets.  I think he knew this and felt horrible.  Anyway, all of the credit cards my parents had were in his name only.  Also my Dad fixed it so that when he died my Mom was to get his full social security and pension and I think that he thought that she would just drown in debt.  What he didn't know was that federal law says that federal benefit payments like Social Security benefits, Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits, Veteran’s (VA) benefits, Railroad Retirement benefits, benefits from the Office of Personnel Management, and private pension benefits are not subject to garnishment in most cases.  This meant that all the money he set up for my Mom to collect  was exempt.  Additionally, her name wasn't attached to any of their credit cards. 

So I told my Mom to STOP paying the bills on the credit cards that were in his name only.  She consulted with a tax attorney who advised the same thing.  We got a lot of calls but since they were his debts and my parents had a trust that switched the house in to her name upon his death there was nothing they could do.  There was nothing these bill collectors could collect.  In the end I helped my Mom wipe out over $47,000 in debt.

Anyway getting back to that old car.  A couple of weeks after my Dad died my Mom handed me this piece of legal paper and on it my Dad had wrote "2001 Mercury, Paid In Full" in the worst handwriting I had ever seen.  He had written that note to me the week before he died when he was sitting outside slumped in a chair.  Cars was what me and my Dad always talked about.  When I was a kid we would go out and look at cars all the time.  It was the one thing that I did with Dad that nobody else did.  Anyway, that old Mercury Grand Marquis is the last link to my Dad and I have to find a way to get it fixed.  The best part of that car is that he bought it when he retired and owned it free and clear.  He gave me the opportunity to have independence and now I have to find the tools to keep that independence.  Thank you Dad, I miss you, love you, and think about you all the time.  I pray that you can see the positive impact you had on so many lives.
 

'01 Mercury Grand Marquis that Dad left to me.

Day 4 "No Sleep, Irritable, Depressed, & Suicidal"

I had a little bit better sleep last night and fell asleep within an hour of laying down. Today has been another day of feeling really depressed. I got up on time and drank the way I was supposed to. My Mom mentioned that we should go out for lunch and I of course picked a buffet and when we got home I immediately threw it all up. I took a nap in the afternoon and when I got up felt a little more normal. Going to sleep outside with my nephew tonight since it’s his last day of school.

Day 3 "No Sleep, Irritable, Depressed, & Suicidal"

Today I woke up at 1130am missed my schedule for taking my am Lithium.  I took it but that meant that I bumped my pm dose to later.  I had a really rough night of sleep and stared at the clock till after 3 am.  The Klonopin did nothing for me at all last night.  Today I was irritated most of the day and even a little confrontational.  I have cried several times today and have been pretty depressed.  I at one point even thought about suicide but thank god I’m too chicken to do that.  It’s been an overall not so good day except for the fact that I was able to follow my diet today and drink a lot of water.  I feel pretty lethargic overall. 

Day 2 "Binged And Purged Today"

Today I started taking two 300mg Lithium capsules and everything went pretty good today in respect to that.  I didn’t sleep very well last night and even taking a .5mg klonopin I was still kind of edgy all day.  The only time I seemed to get tired was after dinner.  Today I had a binge and purge moment because all I wanted to do all day was eat.  It just happened and I tried talking myself out of it but it just happened.  I’m looking forward to this day being over and starting a new day tomorrow.

Day 1 "On Medication and Hopeful"

My appetite was huge today and I ate all day.  We had a cookout and I couldn’t keep my hands off of anything.  I bought a cake at the grocery store and ate just about half of it.  Well, after I ate all this food I decided in my mind that I needed to get rid of it and that’s what I did.  I felt better when it was all out of my system but felt guilty.  I’m looking forward to a better day tomorrow.  I started taking one lithium in the morning and one in the evening and tomorrow my evening dose increases to two pills.  I’m hoping that all goes well with that. 

2013 Year Review Before Bipolar1 Diagnosis

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2013

March 2013 – Present

• I have binged and purged 15 to twenty times the last three months. 
• I envision myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I have no interest in anything that I used to enjoy doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy, gardening).
• I get very jumpy when driving and have had to pull over before because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
• I have a lot of anxiety and it elevates over voices, sounds, noises, television.
• I have been very hypersexual and looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• All I can think about is sex sometimes. 
• Again, I have been very interested in hooking up with only guys and have posted ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice.  
• Something takes over in my mind and I just want what I want and if I don’t get it I will crash into a depressive angry state until I have my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I can think about is the pleasure I will experience and it makes me want that feeling even more. 
• When I’m hypersexual my sleep changes to me staying up all night sometimes for days at a time putting singles ads on craigslist and looking at porn.
• When I’m depressed all I want to do is sleep for 14 to 16 hours at a time.
• I always feel stressed and very anxious. 
• I much prefer the quiet because certain noises cause me anxiety
• I have no hope for my future.
• I think about death a lot and how mine might play out. 
• I have a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I am on edge all the time and will snap at a moment’s notice. 
• I got upset with my little three year old niece in April 2013 picked her up, shook her, yelled in her face, and tossed her on the couch. 
• I have been on a mission to lead a healthier lifestyle and have lost 35 pounds since February. 
• I have angry outbursts where I say horrible things about others and those around me see it as very funny. 
• The worst part about these angry outbursts is that I can’t stop once I start and the harder people laugh at me the angrier I get.