Day 342 "Been A Mixed Two Weeks"

I haven't posted anything in two weeks and hardly been on the computer. I just haven't felt all that good and haven't wanted to do anything. I still have a bunch of spring clean up to do outside and just can't get myself motivated. First off I've had to spend the last two weeks taking and picking up my sister to work because she had knee surgery and can't drive. In addition to that I pick my nephew up from school everyday and babysit him till one pick up his mother or his Dad gets home. I drive about 300 miles a week and I really don't want to be driving either. In the last month I also developed a problem with my shoulder where if I extend it up to reach for something or try to reach behind me it starts to get this burning feeling. I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks and need to get that addressed. Anyway, I just don't feel like doing anything and it hurts. Some days I don't feel like a normal person and look forward to the day when I can feel a sense of normalcy in my life.

Day 328 "Another Mixed Week"

Today my mood has been all over the place, one minute I'm doing OK and in an instant I'm angry. I haven't had any energy and have wanted to sleep a lot. However, I've done a lot of running this week because my sister is unable to drive because she had knee surgery. So I've had to pick up my nephew from school everyday and babysit him 15 hours a week as well as pick my sister up from work three nights a week. All of it has me just about angry. I know I shouldn't be angry but I can't help it. I just want to feel normal and have a stable week.

Day 321 "The Last Few Days"

Today I have had a mild headache and have felt tired all day. I've actually felt like that the couple of days. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist whom I liked and he changed my medications. For the last couple of months I've been taking Lithium and Klonopin. The Lithium seems to keep me manic free and the Klonopin I could use a little more since I've been on it almost a year. Well, he left my Lithium alone, lowered my Klonopin to 2mg/day from 3mg without any kind of taper, added Buspar for anxiety, Prozac for my OCD, and Trazodone to help me sleep. First off I've done a lot of reading on benzodiazepines and everything I've read says you should taper down if trying to quit the drug or changing to a smaller dose. Secondly, I've read a lot of negative things about the Buspar. I've read that some people have weight gain with it and a lot of other people feel groggy with it. Well, I already feel groggy enough with the Trazodone that I feel I don't need to feel any more groggy. I have to be able to drive a car everyday and if I feel doped up I won't be able to. I just cant understand why I have so many issues with all these medications. If I'm not having a side effect I'm reading about them and it scares the heck out of me. Am I just nuts because I feel like it some days. All I know is that I want to do the right thing and get the correct treatment so that I can move on with my life.

Day 316 "Drinking Some Booze Today"

Today I was supposed to get my Lithium level checked for about the twentieth time and I shut my alarm off and went back to bed. I've had the prescription for close to two months and I just can't do it. I have so much running I have to do for other people that I'm just so tired and want to sleep. I want to do more for myself but I feel so drained. I'm scheduled to see the psychiatrist this week and I'm hoping he can get me on an antidepressant that will make me feel and function better. I'm sure he's not going to be happy about me not getting Lithium level done yet but hopefully he can help me get myself back on track. Today I've drank a little bit and while I probably shouldn't have it made me feel like I was normal. The tense feelings and anxiety all have went away. Wish me luck with the psychiatrist everybody. I need something food to happen for myself.

Day 312 "The Same Old Song And Dance"

Today and the last few days have all been similar for me. I have wanted to stay in and feel tired. I got a call from my doctor the other day and was told my thyroid was still elevated as he put it. I did some reading and don't quite understand it but it seems that an out of whack thyroid can cause fatigue. I just know that as soon as I started taking lithium my thyroid became a problem and it's been almost a year and it's still not right. I'm just sick of everything being out of whack with myself and it depresses me something terrible in addition to everything else. I was taken off another antipsychotic here a month ago because of the side effects I was having. It seems I have a low tolerance to a lot of drugs. The worst side effect I have to the antipsychotics seems to be weight gain which sends me over the edge. I'm already over weight and then they want me to take a drug that's going to cause me to gain more weight. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and he's going to try and put me on another antipsychotic drug for depression and I'm just afraid at what it's going to do to me. I'm just going to do my best to not get excited and remain optimistic that everything will work out.

Day 306 "Having A Bad Day"

Today has been pretty bad day for me. I did nothing today and all I wanted to do was sleep. Whenever I was awake all I thought about was all the running I have to do and coordinating of schedules I have to do. All I wanted to do was cry but I'm just at this point where I can't anymore. I feel like everything is what it is and that I'm never going to live a normal life again. Today I thought about different jobs I might be suitable for but I think my age and skill level will hold me back. However, I have started to pray and I'm hoping that if I can build a better relationship with God maybe I will be more at peace and as a result I might have better luck. Today I also thought about how nice it would be to have a companion. I've always been alone and there's just some things only a companion can understand. Everything is just a little overwhelming to me right now and I need so badly for something good to happen in my life

Day 300 "A Big Milestone For Me"

Today marks the 300th day since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and in just a little over two months it will be a year. I have a lot of down days but I can't believe I've done as well as I have. I'm still not totally stable on my medications. It seems like every time they put me on a drug to supplement the Lithium for depression I have side effects. Hopefully one of these days my doctor will find the right mix for me. However, even though I'm depressed a lot of the time I'm not having any side effects from what I'm taking right now. Even though Spring has arrived today has been a dark and dreary day. It feels more like January outside and all I've wanted to do is nothing. I'm dressed but I could easily go back to bed and just sleep. I'm also having trouble getting on my diet to control my diabetes. Ii did it for a month and lost around 16 pounds but to get my numbers down I need to lose a lot more weight. I need to eat to lose and today I haven't felt like eating at all. On the days when I have felt like getting on board my Mom or sister always want to eat out. They always tell me that I can eat anything and that I just have to eat it in moderation. I believe them but I'm addicted to food and have struggled with an eating disorder in the past so I really have to be careful about how I go about dieting. Well, I have been babbling on and feel like I'm going to stop here.