Day 157 "Dear Diary: I Needed Support When . . ."

It's pretty simple for me Before, During, and After my last treatment change for bipolar. The kind of support of I've ALWAYS needed was from my family and that's been something that I've never received when it comes to my being bipolar. I'm a very private person and telling my friends and confiding in them was and is something I don't do a lot.

Where I have ALWAYS gone for support was the internet. It's not the best place to go because there's nothing like being able to have the support from someone face to face. There's an intimacy there that can't be replaced. For me, I have found a couple of online communities where I could interact with other people about my illness and gain valuable information. These communities I was involved with dealt with more than bipolar which made me have to search out what I needed which ultimately made me bored and I would end up not sticking it out.

This site I’m currently involved in has been the best online community that I've come across to date and has offered me the most in terms of support than any other online place I've been. There's a lot of information that I can go online and find that deals with bipolar but this site is a simple bipolar community where we all just interact and learn from one another. 

Dear Diary, I needed the support of my family from day one but that never happened and I've finally found a community where I can get that support and as a result I'm dealing a little bit better.

Day 155 "Rules To Live By"

Growing up you learn to live by your parents’ rules. Then when you’re on your own you start living by society’s rules. But at some point, you start living by your own rules! What are my top three rules to live by? What makes these rules so important? Are these the kinds of rules everyone should follow?

1. Be honest with yourself and everyone you deal with!
2. Finish what you start!
3. Be thankful for what you have!

These rules are important to me because I want to lead a better life. Ten years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want. As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions that impacted my life in a negative way. It's taken me a lot of years to come up with these rules for my life but since I have, my life has been going in a better direction.  

Things are making more sense to me now than ever before. I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight that motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life. I think my top three rules are basic rules that everyone should follow but we are all different and have different needs so what's good for me may not be good for someone else!

I think it's important for everyone to have rules that guide their lives. What matters most is that they work for you:-)  Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another. It basically comes down to what's most important to you when establishing your own set.

Day 150 "As Good As It Gets"

So, what is “normal”? Am I at the point of “As Good As It Gets”? How do I know?

There are certainly many different ways to define "normal". I think what is normal can change constantly because of our situations and what we're going through at the moment. Also, how one person reacts to something can be very different from another person, yet it still is normal in both situations. What I considered normal at a clearer time in my life can be very different for me from day to day now. The funny thing is I ask myself, "What is normal anyway?" Is it normal to just be how you are regardless of what you're going through at the time?

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of depression and anxiety but did a lot of things with my friends and family. As I grew into my thirties I still went out with my friends and did things but as I progressed through my thirties I wanted more alone time as my level of anxiety increased. Now going into my forties I want more "me time" and "alone time"! I still have a desire to do things but it's less of doing things in the moment and more of doing activities that are planned out and meaningful which I guess goes along with how I deal and cope with my bipolar which is to plan and organize my life so I can stay ahead of the game.

I want to be alone a lot because I don't want my negativity and depression to rub off on anyone else or bring anyone down. However, one thing I do now is to force myself to be outside on a daily basis. I plan all my days out ahead of time and in that plan during the warmer months I schedule myself to be outside walking/hiking at least twice a week sometimes more. 

I recently found a place to be by myself outdoors where I can hike, walk, bird watch, sit on a bench, take photographs, or just stare at the sky and be mindful with whatever I’m doing. I also like to sit outside at night before I go to bed and be mindful with my surroundings that helps me to sleep better. In the past I was feeling down a lot or having some sort of negativity going on but in the last few months since I have forced myself to be outside and practicing being mindful of my surroundings my mind is less foggy and more relaxed which makes me feel more normal. 

While what I do might not work for you I think you and everyone else that may be struggling should fight to find that one little place or thing that makes you feel normal and just keep at it. They say once you do something over and over for an extended amount of time you form a habit. In my mind if you can find something that makes you feel good for 5 minutes and make it a habit you are only doing yourself good and creating your own normalcy.

Today marks the 150th day since my treatment began and with that said I'm making a couple of changes to the blog. First, postings will now happen three days per week instead of everyday. I feel that if I had more time to work on the posting it could be developed more and be more meaningful. Finally, I want to add more sections to the blog and with the decrease in postings I can spend more time developing other areas. I'm taking a few days off and the new schedule will take off on Monday October 28, 2013. New postings will appear on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. So, until this coming Monday...Take Care!

Day 149 ''Medical Marijuana"

I am sorry if this subject is too controversial for some people.  I myself have personally been wanting to express and get an opinion of others in my shoes for a very long time, and have never found the right platform to do it.  I am 41, and was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago.  I have in the past turned to alcohol to self medicate, which in turn led me to terrible decision making and more misery.

I realized about 14 years ago that marijuana has a completly different and calming effect on me.  Gone is the irrational thoughts, craziness, and urges that usually get me in trouble.  I find myself much more engaged.  Something I have also noticed is when using small amounts of marijuana daily I have become much more calm and am able to enjoy the little things in life more. 

There are two strains of marijuana and each have different effects.  The strains are Sativa and Indica that is probably more suitable for bipolar disorder.  The Indica strain produces less anxiety and generally it’s more relaxing.  You will not have hallucinations with this strain but you will probably eat more and it’s good for nausea.  Someone with some experience can achieve more medical benefits with the Indica strain.  You'll sleep better, you'll feel more relaxed, but you might get more of that "couch lock" feeling where you are glued to your chair staring at the TV.
Because the word is so polarizing to people socially in regard to marijuana it has to almost be your own dirty little secret, because people think your just advocating drug use, when that couldn’t be furthest from the truth.  Many just refer to you as a "drug addict" so it is something I have had to mostly keep to myself.  It is the one thing that I’ve found that I can use in the same manner as taking a pill every day. 

I haven't smoke marijuana in 16 months but smoked two to three times a day for over 15 years.  I've never had horrible side effects from smoking and have never viewed marijuana as a gateway drug.  I feel like the "dealer" is the gateway because when they don't have marijuana they always have something else to offer.  The people I know that have bad side effects with marijuana are usually drinking as well.  It’s not good to drink with marijuana just as it isn’t good to drink with any medication.

My dream is that it becomes decriminalized and legal in my state because if it's easy to get there's no need for a substitute.  Marijuana always helped me to unwind and feel a sense of normalcy from racing thoughts and rapid cycling.

Everyone is intitled to their opinion and marijuana doesn't work for everybody, which I respect, but what about the people that it benefits?

Day 148 " Feeling Miserable"

Today has been one of those days you just want to end.  I was up almost all night coughing and sneezing.  Every time I thought I was over it and would lay down it would all just start over again.  Needless to say I've been tired all day and all I want to do is sleep.

My mood has been unusually good and stable today considering I feel like a train wreck.  My sister and her kids were at the house today and her kids were just rotten.   They tore the house up and had both my Mom and sister nuts.  However I remained calm and didn't let any of it effect me.

I hope I can sleep better tonight but I'm not going to hold my breath.  I have a lab in the morning to check my current Lithium level and also check my A1C number as well as my fasting blood sugar number.  I have to be at the hospital around 8 in the morning and if tonight is anything like last night I'll be up at 2 in the morning coughing my brains out.  Well that's what's going on in my world and I'm going to sign off and see if I can sleep.

Day 147 "Diet And Being Bipolar, Diabetic, And Having High Blood Pressure"

I have been on a quest to get healthier the last year by quitting smoking, trying to exercise more, and making changes in my diet.  Before I started my diet changes, I was eating a lot of processed foods high in fat, sodium, and eating little to no vegetables.  People that have bipolar disorder have a greater risk of becoming overweight when taking medications that cause heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure.  I have been doing a lot of reading in an effort to learn more about what I put in my body and have found out that a person who has bipolar can greatly benefit from eating a well balanced diet full of nutrient dense foods.  Examples of nutrient dense foods are fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats, fish, eggs, low fat dairy, whole grains, soy products, and nuts and seeds.

There are also a number of diet precautions that people with bipolar disorder should take when making changes to their diet.  Caffeine use should be kept at low to moderate levels because it can lower the sedative effects of some medications and disrupt sleep.  Eating high fat meals can delay the time it takes for many bipolar medications to take effect.  Sodium intake is something that everyone should watch but people who take lithium need to have higher amounts of sodium to keep the levels of lithium from increasing in their blood.

The above information covers how a person with bipolar disorder and high blood pressure should eat but it doesn’t go as far as how a person diagnosed with diabetes should eat.  In addition people with diabetes are encouraged to eat low-carbohydrate, low fat high fiber foods that contain lower amounts of sugar.  Examples of foods to stay away from are lunch meats, fast food, pastries, basically anything that’s processed.  I’m still learning and have a long way to go.  However much of what I’ve learned is that there has to be balance.

Here is the diet plan I’m following:

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Day 146 "What Year And Time Would You Choose?"

I am a date and time person always able to recall specific events that have happened in my life. I can recall who, what, why, and where which boggles the minds of everyone I know. I’m the one in my family that can remember that Christmas in 1981 where I woke the entire house at 4 A.M. yelling that someone was trying to break in our house and steal all the presents. However, it was just the paperboy leaving our newspaper inside the front door as he usually did. I’m the person that people I know call when they need information about weddings, funerals, school events, past weather conditions, or family members. My Grandma used to tell me that I was a walking encyclopedia.

I’m always recalling different times in my life and recently wondered if I had one whole day which to revisit a specific year and time, what would I choose. The year and time I would most like to revisit for one day is any day in September 1985. There were no cell phones or internet and the most popular computers people had were the Apple 2 and Commodore 64. I was thirteen years old and in the eighth grade during that time. The weather was sunny and warm with very little rain. I had two favorite songs which I listened too over and over again which were “We Built This City” by Starship and “Man In Motion (St. Elmos Fire)” by John Parr. Whenever I hear either of these songs today I’m im mediately taken back to the fall of 1985. It was in September 1985 that my parents finally gave me a house key and permitted me to walk home from school for the first time. September 1985 was a stress free time in my life where I was finally able to feel like I was growing up and starting to think about my future as an adult. I was always kind of depressed as a kid but in the spring of 1986 I had my first major bout with depression which I think was the beginning of me being bipolar.

I was wondering if anyone else had a year and time in their life they would like to revisit for one day if they had the chance.

• What year and time would you like to revisit for one day?
• What do you remember about this specific time?
• What kind of impact did this specific time have on your life?