Day 102 "Another Bad Day For My Family"

Today my mood has been stable but I've been in a low place all day.  I took my uncle to the doctor this afternoon and he found out that he has Esophageal Cancer.  He didn't say a whole lot about it but you could tell that he was shaken up about it.  The prognosis for Esophageal Cancer is very poor at about a 15%  five year survival rate with most patients dying within the first year.  Everything depends on how far along the cancer is and how far in the body its spread.  I don't know all the answers yet but will be keeping my ears open to find out as much as possible.  The doctor today said that his office would be getting my uncle an appointment with an Oncologist as soon as possible so that treatment could begin quickly.

Next to my Dad my uncle is the next most important man in my life.  I have all good memories of him.  When I was a little boy I used to steal his moccasins that he always used to wear.  I have memories of him teaching me how to throw a baseball as a little boy.  I  never was any good but he always made me feel like I was good and getting better.  It doesn't mean anything to anyone else but my uncle bought a really nice truck a number of years ago and I was the first one he let drive it.  He's just always had faith in me and treated me like I was somebody special. 

I'm going to be there for my uncle as much as I can.  He's going to need rides to and from doctor's appointments.  He's going to need help taking care of his yard.  My aunt can't drive anymore and I'm probably going to have to help get her to where she needs to go.  Nobody knows yet what's going to happen and who knows how my uncle will respond to treatment.  I just know that there going to need me and I'm prepared to help them as much as possible.

Day 101 "Another Bad Day On Seroquel"

Today I woke up at 1pm after sleeping for twelve hours.  I then had to go and pick up my nephew from school which was fun because of having to drive.  I did OK but I was so tired.  After I got my nephew we went back to my sister's house and slept for another two hours while my nephew watched a movie.  After his movie was over he woke me up and we went to the park.  We were going to walk a little and then play on the playground.  Well, we walked a little bit and when we got to the playground it looked like it had been destroyed.  There was no way we were going to play there.  So we went back to the car and went to Dairy Queen and had treats.

I had a really nice time with my nephew today and even though I complain about it a lot I really enjoy him.  He treats me like someone he looks up to and it makes me feel really good.  I've been picking him up from school for the last three years and I really do enjoy it.  Since today was such a flop with the playground I promised Matthew I would take him to a better playground next week when I pick him up from school.

Tomorrow is going to be a potential bad day for my family.  I'm taking my uncle to get the results of his CAT scan and biopsy.  My cousin is going to meet us at the doctor's office and I'm hoping she can hold herself together.  My uncle's appointment is at 2:30 p.m. and I'm praying that everything that myself and cousin have been thinking is wrong.

Day 100 "Finally Got My Car To Run"

Today has been another day for me of slowness and depression.  I have been sleeping an average of twelve to fifteen hours a night and can't wait to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner.  I want to stop the Seroquel and go it alone with the Lithium for a while.  I understand that taking away the Seroquel is taking away the medication that was helping my depression but I would rather be depressed than take the medication that makes me so slow that I can't function.  I've been on four different doses of it and I'm now back down to the dosage before the initial dosage that didn't work for me anymore so I say get rid of it.  I will be open to suggestions on other medications that can do the same thing but I won't hear anything more on Seroquel.

Even though today was a not so great day for my mood I still had a little bit of a bright spot.  I got my car running this evening.  I had put a new alternator in it and had the old battery charged.  When I put the old battery in it and tried to start it the battery would just discharge.  So, I got a new battery thanks to my Mom and when I finally got it in the car it started right up.  That was the only bright spot of the day because from sitting all summer the car has a bunch of other issues.  The steering is very stiff and alternates between normal and stiff.  The brakes are totally done for and need attention since they haven't been touched since 2006.  Finally, the worst part of not being driven is that the car leaks gasoline.  I drove it from my cousins house to mine and the car leaked out over a half tank of gas which is about 10 gallons.

My older brother had  promised to help me get the car fixed a few weeks back but sort of backed out.  He told me the goal was to get it up and running quickly so that I would have my own wheels.  I feel a little betrayed and hurt as well.  There have been times in the past where I lent my brother large sums of money and waited years for him to pay me back.  The car needs a lot of work and at this point I don't know what to do.  My Mom wants me to junk it and just let it go but I have this emotional attachment to it because it was left to me by my father when he died.  I just hope it all somehow works out and I can be able to keep it.

Day 99 "Spent The Holiday Alone And Depressed"

Today I was able to get up in the morning and not feel sedated and foggy because of not taking my Seroquel yesterday.  Like I've said before I'm not going to deviate from my treatment plan but yesterday I had to be alert and able to operate a car.  In any event, today my mood was down all day.  I just felt depressed and alone all day.  Nobody from my family came over to my Mom's house today so it was just myself and her.  She is still using a walker and is very depressed herself.  Me and her both being depressed didn't mesh very well today. 

Today in my mind is the end of summer and I feel like I missed out on everything.  I barely went outside and haven't had very much want to do anything.  My car has been broken down since the end of May and I haven't really had a way to get around anywhere.  My older brother recently offered to get my car fixed for me because he has the means and said he wanted to do it but It's been almost two weeks now and I've heard nothing from him.  In any event this summer has been the most difficult summer of my life and I'm so looking to fall.

I like to take pictures and fall is the perfect time for me to get some nice shots.  I just love the cooler weather and all the changing colors.  In late October my cousin rented a two bedroom cabin that we stayed in six years ago and has invited me to go along knowing that I can't afford to pay my way.  I am so looking forward to getting away from home for a few days.  I sure hope that my mood holds up so that I can have a nice time and get some great photos.

Here's a couple of photos of the cabin I will be staying at.

Click photo to enlarge.

Click photo to enlarge.

Day 98 "Mood OK But Lots Of Anxiety"

Today I was able to get up with no problems and have had no sedation or fogginess.  This is due to me not taking my Seroquel last night.  I'm not one about to go against my treatment but I had to be alert today and if I would have taken the Seroquel I wouldn't have been able to function.  I probably would have ended up sleeping twelve to sixteen hours and I would have been a waste to myself and everyone else I needed to be there for today.  My overall mood today was good and I felt stable.  I'm going to continue taking the Seroquel tomorrow but will be seeing both my regular doctor and psychiatric nurse practitioner within the next two weeks and I want to get off Seroquel and try something different.

Today I did have a lot of anxiety the entire day because my uncle has a nodule on his esophagus that was biopsied this past week.  In addition to the biopsy the doctor sent him for a CT scan of his chest and abdomen today.  Nobody knows anything right yet but I have two thoughts.  One, the doctor is trying to rule out cancer with this scan.  Two, the doctor already knows the tissue sample he took from the nodule is cancerous and wants to see if it has spread.  On my uncles paperwork from the doctor that he took to his scan today the doctor had wrote at the bottom something about esophagus metastasis in liver but used abbreviations.  I'm the one who took my uncle to have his throat scoped last week and the doctor said they would be talking after the CT scan.  I felt like he already new something when he made that statement.

After my uncles scan he wanted to go for a car ride.  He likes to drive out in the country and look for deer.  Well, tonight we left when it was almost dark.  I think he just wanted to do something normal to get his mind off of what may or may not be happening.  We stopped at a diner to get a sandwich as none of us had eaten yet.  It was myself, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  We all ordered sandwiches and it was for the first time that I saw my uncle unable to swallow.  Food gets stuck on this nodule and a lot of times he'll throw it back up.  He didn't throw anything up but I could see the fear in his eyes tonight.  My uncle is going to be 82 years old next month and has always been the example of good health.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the nodule is benign and they can just remove it.  However, if he's got cancer I will be there for him as much as he needs me.  Next to my Dad he's a man I have a lot of respect and love for.

Day 97 "Very Low SLow Day"

Today has been a very low slow day.  After taking my Seroquel last night around 8 p.m. I was finally ready to sleep around 2 this morning.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner says it should work in about three hours.  Well, it works on me in about five to six hours.  However, once it works I'm out for around twelve hours on average.  Today, I woke up after sleeping for twelve hours, was up for two hours, and then went back to bed for another four hours because I was just that sedated.  So I slept for sixteen hours and that's unacceptable.  Of the few hours that I've been awake I've felt very depressed and sedated.  The more I take this drug the worse I feel.

I've lost all faith in this drug and feel like it's caused me to lose the entire summer.  I'm hardly ever outside and have no desire to do anything.  All I feel like doing is nothing.  Isn't that the definition of being lethargic?  I don't have an appointment with my nurse practitioner until the middle of September but am going to try and be put on a cancellation list so that I can get in a little sooner.  I need to get off this drug and try something different.  I have this feeling she's going to try and fight me on it but I'm going to stick to my guns.  I'm keeping track of all the hours I sleep plus it's also a drug that could be contributing to my A1C number being so high.  It might not be the entire reason my A1C is so high but it could be a contributing factor. 

Anyway, this following week I'm going to be picking my nephew up three days a week from school and will have him for three to four hours a night.  He lives really close to a park that has a walking track and he's going to become my walking partner.  I promised him he could play on the playground if he promises to walk with me.  The walking will be good for me and hopefully help me to lose weight.  I also think letting my nephew play on the playground will help him to let off some steam.  Well, day 97 is close to being over and I hope that day 98 is much better!  

Day 95 & 96 " A Trip To The Emergency Room"

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post because I had to make a trip to the Emergency Room.  I had been having some abdominal discomfort for about the last three to four days.  At some times the discomfort was worse and I had planned to let my doctor know about it the day before yesterday but he had rescheduled my appointment and I never got the message.  I had blood work done four weeks prior to this appointment and was supposed to get the results so when I showed up for the appointment I asked for a copy of my blood work which showed that I have several problems with biggest being Diabetes.  I pretty much freaked out all that day and yesterday about that along with the discomfort in my lower abdomen and with all the medication I take for bipolar disorder I was really worried.  So I decided last night that I would go to the ER and get checked out.

When I got to the ER the wait to be seen was four to five hours.  During that period I saw a woman lose her husband and at that point I really felt a lot of anxiety.  What if the discomfort I was feeling was cancer?  After about two hours they called me back to get my blood drawn which took six attempts.  I didn't pass out but was so uncomfortable, the nurse was just about to get someone else to try, and finally hit a vein to get the blood she needed.

During my blood draw the nurse told me that she could see fear in my eyes.  I told her besides being being their for abdominal discomfort I was being treated for bipolar disorder and that this summer has been pretty much miserable.  She told me that, yes, I have a lot going on but that I need to cut myself a break and concentrate on fixing the problems one at a time.  She suggested that I start walking and that could have a positive impact on everything.  She told me to start slow and build myself up and at some point things would get better.  She told me I was a really nice man and that she really enjoyed talking to me.  I know that I've talked with my therapist about eating and exercising but talking to this nurse made me feel a little better about how I was feeling.  Thanks nurse Terri!

After my blood draw I went back to the waiting room and for another two hours until I was finally called back.  After being called back and given a bed by an over worked nurse I waited another hour before the doctor came in.  He was a very nice man and listened to what I had to say.  He said that the best course of action for me was to have a CT Scan of my chest and abdomen.  He also asked me for a urine specimen.  Within ten minutes I had given my urine specimen and was being scanned that only took about fifteen minutes.  Anyway, about another hour passed and the doctor came in and said everything looked good.  There was no problem with my urine, my CT scan looked good and my blood work was OK.  He said that the discomfort could be a number of things and that I should keep an eye on it and follow up with my doctor but to come back if it got worse.  Thank you Dr. Tim!

I got home at six this morning made breakfast, took my pills, and went to bed.  I had been up for twenty three hours without sleep.  After sleeping for nine hours I got up and ate dinner.  My mood this evening has been pretty good.  I still have discomfort in my lower abdomen and am making some changes.  This past week I have eaten a lot of nuts and I'm eating no more nuts.  I also usually drink 16oz. of water at a time and I'm reducing the amount I drink to 10oz. so that I'm not making my kidneys work too hard.  I'm also going to watch the amount of fatty foods I consume as well.  I don't know what the discomfort is but I'm going to do whatever I can to aleve it.  I will be following up with my doctor this coming week and I'm going to do everything to overcome this, the diabetes, and of course my bipolar disorder.