"Another Gloomy Day"

Today has been much like all the other days I've had the last two months or so.  They've been full of depression, anxiety, anger, thoughts about death, hopelessness, grandiose thoughts, and my favorite which is hypersexuality.  It's just been since after Christmas that I've noticed the depression growing which I attribute to the let down of the holidays being over.  I'm able to get around and do what I need to do but I'm having a hard time moving.  

Today we got a little bit of snow and just looking at it made me feel crippled like I couldn't do anything.  When the weather gets snowy and really cold I just can't do anything.  Walking, driving, or doing any kind of task that involves concentration on my part is just so hard.  As a result I end up putting things off I need to do and stuff just piles up.  Nobody in my family can understand or will try to understand what it feels like to walk in my shoes for one day.  They just look at me like I'm some kind of nut that's unapproachable.  Every winter  I go through an episode like this that usually lasts until late spring and the last couple of years I've been trying to keep myself on track by keeping daily schedules, doing deep breathing, meditating, walking, and coloring.  Everything I've done has helped to some degree but I'm having an episode and I'm just going to have to ride it out as much as it pains me.

"New Year Same Old Problems"

2015 is here and nothing has changed but the the date which is the case every year.  I get myself all psyched up for the new year and once it gets here there's a big let down the next day.  I'm sure many people experience the same sort of let down that I am.  It's the kind of let down where all this hype which has been built up for months centered around lights, food, family, traditions, religion, music, and who could forget presents which all just go away.  It can be a big shock to a person's mental well being and I'm convinced that the new year leads to a lot of depression or worsening of depression. 

Well, so far in the new year I've been compliant with insulin injections and taking all my pills.  The only problem I'm having with my medications is that my psychiatrist put me on Topamax at the beginning of December to help with withdrawal effects of coming off Klonopin and I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me.  The sensation is so horrible that I can't sleep.  I will be seeing him next week and hopefully I can take something different.  My insulin is working as my sugar has come quite a bit but still has a way to go.  I see my primary care doctor next week and would assume he'll be tweaking my insulin dosage.  As I learn more I will post it online.

Finally, my mood has been pretty much in the dumps lately.  I feel like I'm on both sides of the bipolar scale.  One side of me is constantly thinking about sex, watching pornography, extreme anger, and having all kinds of grandiose thoughts which are racing most of the time.  The other side of me is depressed, easily cries, wants to do nothing but sleep when I can stop itching, and mad.  My level of anxiety seems to be about the same on both sides which makes it hard to drive sometimes, be around people, or noise in general.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S SO HARD TO GET ME STABILIZED....IT'S GOING ON TWO YEARS!!!!

"Happy New Year"

I just want to take a quick moment and wish anyone that may read this blog a Happy New Year.  May all your dreams and wishes come true.  I don't have any big resolutions for the new year because it seems like every time I do that it blows up in my face and I end up failing.  This year I'm going to concentrate on my health and let the chips of life fall wherever they fall.  Again Happy New Year!

"Merry Christmas"

I would like to wish anyone that may read this blog a Merry Christmas. 

I'm always down this time of year because I don't have a lot of money to spend on presents and I also don't have a significant other.  I tell myself every year that I'm not going to get in that negative type of mind set.  However, year after year I do the same thing and have the same kinds of thoughts.  The closer Christmas gets the angrier I get, the more anxiety I feel the more inappropriate my behavior becomes.  I have said a lot of off color things this holiday season and it's upsetting because everyone thinks I'm funny when I'm actually crying on the inside which makes my rage even more intense. 

I went to church last night with my cousin and after listening to the sermon it hit me that I'm focusing on the wrong things at Christmas.  Christmas is about the birth of Jesus not about if a person has a girlfriend or boyfriend.  It also doesn't matter how much money you have to buy presents with.  With that said my goal for 2015 is to learn more about the Bible and lead a more religious life.  While I still have plenty of manic feelings going to church and looking at Christmas a little differently helped me out.

"How My Bipolar Disorder Is Doing"

I haven't written a whole lot about how my Bipolar Disorder lately and thought it's about time for an update.  The last six weeks or so I've been more hypomanic than at any other time this year.  I've been more aggressive with other people and always ready to start a fight.  Anxiety has been a really tough issue for me and can happen because of a number of things including being around lots of people, driving, watching television, or being startled.  The possibilities with my anxiety are endless and don't follow a set pattern at all.  About the last six weeks I've also been very hypersexual and looking at lots of pornography.  I don't presently have my own car which is a good thing because if I did I would be out soliciting sex from both males and females.  Just being able to type that here makes me feel good because when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I really couldn't come to grips with any of it.  I buried myself inside the shame of all the bad things I had done and let them consume me.  I've also been experiencing a number of other symptoms such as reduced need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, and deep depression.

To say the least, the last six weeks have been rough is an understatement.  I haven't had any changes in my medications and my psychiatrist  doesn't want to change any doses just yet because of other medications I'm taking.  To cope with this hypomanic behavior I've been doing a number of things.  I listen to guided meditations every night before I go to bed which help to relax my mind and give me a fresh start.  I also find that writing helps me to relax and put things in perspective.  This isn't an all inclusive list of how I handle my Bipolar simply because every time it invades my head it's different.  I can usually feel that something isn't right but I don't always have the same symptoms.  As of right now I'm trying really hard to do what I need to do and praying that this episode will pass.

"An Update On Me"

2014 has been a pretty rough year for me in terms of medical issues.  Am I going to survive everything?  At this point my answer would be yes.  It's just that I had so many things happen at the same time that it was all very overwhelming.  Had I not neglected to see a doctor for close to fifteen years my medical issues probably would have been spread out over time and a little less overwhelming.  However it may be I'm just glad that I'm getting things taken care of now.  In addition to Bipolar Disorder I'm also being treated for Diabetes Type 2, Acid Reflux, High Blood Pressure, Adrenal Adenoma, Sleep Disorder, Persistent Cough, Frozen Shoulder, and most recently a Fatty Liver.  This isn't the entire list of everything I've got going on but it's all the major things. 

I've been upset about all of this but have come to the conclusion that all I can do is move forward and try to do better by my body.  My right side close to my Liver has been hurting a little bit the last six months or so and when I was told I have a Fatty Liver I flipped out.  Every bad thing went through my head and I felt like my days were numbered.  All I could think about was me dying and that scene played out in my head hundreds of times.  I finally got sick of it and thought about what the doctor had told me which was that he was going to monitor my Liver with blood work and that I should seriously lose weight which can help my liver to repair itself.  So, I'm giving the diet thing another chance and trying to lose as much weight as possible.  Seeing that it's Christmas I probably won't lose a lot but one Christmas and New Year's are done I'll be on a quest to lose a lot of weight.  I'm hoping this time will be a little different because I have the help of a Dietitian to learn the proper way to eat.

If I can achieve substantial weight loss in 2015 some of my health problems may go away which would be awesome.  Anyway, that's an update on me and where I'm at. 

"How I See Christmas"

I always had big dreams when I was a kid of how grand the Christmas holiday would be when I was an adult. There were lots of lights, gifts, friends, family, and food. My being bipolar screwed everything up for me. Maybe if I would have been diagnosed at an earlier age Christmas could be different for me.  I live with my Mother and her along with my sister try and make my Christmas nice which I'll always appreciate. They make sure I have a roof, clothing, and food. I haven't worked for almost four four years now and when you can't afford to give back to everyone thats given to you it's hard and very depressing. I try to stay to myself during the holidays because I get upset often and have a lot of anxiety. However, even though Christmas is hard for me I like to watch "It's A Wonderful Life", "White Christmas", Christmas Vacation" plus whatever is on the Hallmark Channel. I also like to drive around and look at lights during the month of December. While watching old movies and driving around doesn't always make me feel great it does help me to unwind in my head.