Day 125 "Today Was A Mix Of Depression and Anger"

Last night I slept for five hours which is the longest I've slept in days.  My mood today was a mix of depression and anger.  I was very down all day and felt like crawling in a whole till I felt better.  However that wasn't an option today as I had yard work to do that I was able to get most of it down.  Also today I was ready to snap at the littlest thing and on three or four occasions I ripped in to my Mom makin us both feel bad.  Sometimes you say things you can  never take back.  I can't wait till I get a medication change  because I've been having a lot of problems and could use some e relief.  That's all I have to say for tonight and am going to bed.

Day 124 "Today Was A Mixed Day"

Last night I did not sleep well and like the last few nights ended up on the computer looking for sex.  I don' understand why when I get stressed my mind goes to sex even though I don't want it too.  However, I know it's all about immediate gratification and sex could give me that.  It's much like binging and purging in the sense that I can at like a total pig, then throw it up and feel like I got to consume everything I wanted without the calories.  However, I do know there are consequences to everything and the the consequence I suffer with most is my anger when I don't get sex or if I binge and purge.  One minute I'm happy because of what I'm doing and the next I'm angry and want to jump off a bridge.  It's a vicious cycle and I just want to get past it.

I called my nurse practitioner's nurse today and left a message for her telling her of my symptoms and I'm hoping she calls me back on Monday with good news.  Ideally I would like to up my dosage of Lithium especially since I'm on the low end of a therapeutic scale.  I don't understand why all of a sudden this hypomania has happened but and why the Lithium isn't taking care of it.  All I can say is that maybe the Abilify causes the Lithium to be a little less effective.  I'm not going to pretend to know but just wait and see what the nurse finds out.  I hope tomorrow things start to calm down.

Day 123 "More Hypomania Today"

Last night I only slept about an hour and a half.  I just couldn't stop the racing thoughts about everything and the hypersexual feelings I was having.  I spent a lot of time on the computer looking at pornography and couldn't stop even though I new it wasn't what I really wanted to be doing.  I would have much rather been in bed getting a good night sleep.

Today I have been thinking about sex all day as well as all kinds of other things.  My brain is in fast forward mode.  Bipolar coerced me on it's roller coaster of ups and downs and I can't get off.  I've also been very irritable today.  When I have times like this I easily explode on people I love and look to pick fights whenever possible.  I kept myself isolated today so that my bipolar wouldn't get in the way of anybody else.

At the beginning of this week I had a Lithium level done and got the test results back.  The results showed that I'm at the low end of a therapeutic dose.  My therapist saw the results and suggested that a higher dose of Lithium may help my hypomania.  I'm going to call my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and see if she can talk to my nurse practitioner about raising my Lithium dose.  I would talk to my nurse practitioner myself but my appointment isn't for three weeks.  I just know that I need some relief.  I'm on week number two of Abilify and I haven't had any side effects since the first week and my depression is going away.  So far this drug is working well with the Lithium and with a little bit more Lithium I might be closer to getting stable.

Day 122 "More Hypomania Plus Anger Today"

Last night a slept for a couple of hours sitting in the computer chair and have been tired all day but fired up to clean and organize.  I haven't been able to stop and have a million ideas racing through my head.  I like the rush I've been having but know that some of the hypomania I've been experiencing is not good and that is the hypersexual behavior I've been dealing with the last few days.  I have felt so impulsive and been looking for encounters on the Internet and looking at a lot of porn.  I know that all of this is part of my bipolar and I'm medicated but I just can't stop.  I talked with my therapist about this today and she told me to get a hold of my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and let her know whats going on in the hopes that my Lithium dose can be raised.  I had my Lithium levels checked this week and the results show that I'm at the low end of therapeutic right now.  I just know that I'm afraid if I don't do something now I'm going to become even more manic.

I also got the results of my A1C test today and my number was 9.2 down from 10.4 that was taken at the beginning of August.  My nurse practitioner had them check my A1C number because I take Abilify and it has the potential to cause or make diabetes worse.  I'm scheduled to get an A1C test done again on October 23rd with my regular doctor and I'm hoping I can get it down further.  I ordered a Blood Glucose Monitor and supplies all from Walmart because they have the supplies pretty cheap.  My Mom has insurance and still pays more than what I paid for less.  I have enough supplies to last me a year if I do a test every morning.  My doctor never said anything about me testing my blood but I've been advised by a number of RN's that it would be a good idea.  

So now I have to work on my diet and eating vegetables.  Eating vegetables has always been hard for me.  I have a hard time getting them down.  My cousin knows that I drink low sodium vegetable juice and suggested I use a blender or food processor and mix some other vegetable in with the vegetable juice to get a good variety.  I think that's a great idea and I'm going to be trying it.  She also suggested freezing fruit and using the food processor or blender to make make smoothies which I'm also going to try.  At this point I'll take my fruits and vegetables any way I can get them.  In addition to eating healthier and checking my sugar I ordered a nice pair of walking shoes because I'm going to start walking in the evenings.  I'm hopeful and optimistic that doing all this will help me lose some weight and drop my A1C number even farther.

Now for the anger I had today.  First off I wa very critical of everyone on the road today and said a lot of things that were horrible about other people.  I was glad that nobody was in the car  with me because they would have laughed and made me even more angry.  It makes me angry because I know it's the bipolar and when it strikes me I just can't stop.  I function best when I'm alone and not around other people.  Tonight when I first started using my Blood Glucose Monitor it wasn't working right so I took it back to Walmart thinking I could exchange and here they won't take anything back that has to do with blood.  Well, there was no sign stating that by the product and when they told me their policy I got loud, said a bunch of bad things to the girl in Customer Service, and shoved the box of the meter I was going to exchange  at her.  I basically exploded and could tell that it was the bipolar causing me to act out in this manner. 

Day 121 "More Mania And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I again didn't sleep and haven't felt tired all day.  I have been very hypersexual all day and again looking for a one night stand.  It's probably a good thing I'm nothing to look at because I would be getting in trouble right now.  At the same time I just keep getting angry and am irritable.  I just feel like I want to go but there's nowhere to go to.

I haven't tracked in over a month and I think its time I start doing it again.  Social Security called me tonight and was asking me questions about my treatment and physical impairment and I think I was a little vague.  Had I been able to look at a tracker I could have been able to be more clear with him.  I did explain to him that I have to write things down or I miss details and mix things up.  Anyway, I talked with him for about fifteen minutes and he seemed like a nice guy.  I did inform him that I have a lawyer and he hadn't got that paperwork yet.  He actually told me to give them a call tomorrow, let them know we talked, give them his fax number, and  let them know to send in some paperwork.  I hope all goes well with the my disability claim so that I can have a little time to devote to myself without distraction.

Day 120 "Manic And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I never went to bed and stayed up all night looking at porn and trying to get a hookup for sex.  I never did find anyone to have sex with me but I cruised the Internet for over ten hours looking for some self gratification.  I haven't had feeling like that since I first started taking Lithium but for some reason Lithium didn't matter.  As the night went on I became angrier because I couldn't get any takers.  I was a little bit psycho about the whole thing.  I had three different sites I mus jumping between plus checking me email hundreds of times looking for a private message.  It just wasn't a good night and I was glad when daylight happened. 

During the day i was just really angry and mean because I hadn't slept and I felt like I could hurt someone.  When I'm like this its best for me to be alone and away from all people.  i have therapy on Wednesday and I definitely need to talk to my therapist about whats happening.  It just makes me so ashamed when all I can think about it sex.  Well, I've been up 37 hours now and I'm going to try and go to sleep.

Day 119 "Uneventful But Good"

I slept well last night and was able to get up without any trouble.  Today I felt good all day and didn't seem to have any medication side effects.  Today was the best day on Abilify I've had to date.  However, my dose goes from 2mg to 5 mg tomorrow so I may experience more side effects.  In any event today is one of the best days I've had in months and I did nothing but mess around on the computer all day and watch television.  I haven't felt like doing those activities all summer and today I was able to keep my attention focused on the television and computer without losing focus to depression.  Maybe Abilify is the drug that's going to help stabilize my bipolar along with the Lithium.  All I can do is remain optimistic by staying positive.  Bipolar is a nasty illness and it feeds off your negativity.