Day 113 "Seroquel Replaced With Abilify"

Today I got my wish and was taken off Seroquel but was put on Abilify.  I was told there is less sedation and that it should help my depression which is really bad right now.  I was also told that if I didn't like it we would try something else.  My nurse practitioner seems to listen when I talk and that makes me feel better about the medications I'm taking.

My depression has been off the charts today.  I have been crying on and off all day and I've been arguing back and forth with my Mom.  She has  always had a hard time with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  She thinks that I'm going to get stable and just be able to hold a full time job.  She told me that there's thousands of people that do it everyday so I should be able to do it.  I agree that there's a lot of people that work with their disorder but there's a lot that can't work.  I don't know how it's going to be for me yet as I have a long ways to go before I'm stable.  I just wish my Mom would trust my judgement about my bipolar treatment.

Then there's the diabetes that has me nuts.  My doctor said that I'm type 1.5 which I know nothing about and he didn't bother to explain it to me.  I just know that he scheduled me for an A1C test i a little over a month and a he just put me on medication for the diabetes.  Shouldn't he have scheduled the A1C test for late November or December.  I just don't understand  any of it but I can tell you that I don't want to be on insulin.  The thought of it gives me so much anxiety.  I just hope that my disability claim will be approved  so that I can get medical insurance which takes about 24 months.

Well, I'm going to go to bed because maybe my anxiety will go away for the night.  All I've been doing all evening is stressing about everything and trying to find a simple diabetic diet that is easy to follow.  You would think they would be easy to find but that's not the case.  I have been able to find diabetic recipes but that's a bout it. 

Day 112 "Today I've Been A Mess"

Today Has been a lousy day.  I slept pretty good last night but woke up with a pretty nasty headache.  I haven't had one for a long time and it caught me off guard.  I've also had a lot of diarrhea since starting on metformin for my diabetes and have been dehydrated a lot the last few days.  Tonight I got so worried that I went to the hospital and talked to the nurses in the emergency room about it.  They told me to drink Gatorade to help rehydrate myself and replace the electrolytes I lost.  They said I would be OK but that I should talk to my doctor in the morning.  Well, I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow and we're going to talk.  First off I haven't had a blood draw to check my lithium levels since the first week I was on it.  Since then I've been put on blood pressure medication which I read can increase the toxicity.  Then I'm freaking out because of the diarrhea from the metformin also having an effect on my lithium levels.  I probably have nothing to worry about but it all just makes me nuts. 

So tomorrow when I see my nurse practitioner I'm going to ask her to take me off of the Seroquel because I can't function on it.  It makes me like a zombie and I can't operate the car.  Plus it causes diabetes or can make it worse.  I'm just afraid she's going to try and reduce my dosage and I say why do that when it wasn't working for me at a lower dosage.  I just would like to try something different that has fewer side effects especially diabetes.  Then I'm going to ask her to send me for a blood draw to check my lithium levels.  I've been on the medication since the end of May and with the addition of the blood pressure medicine and medication for diabetes I would say I'm overdue.  I was in the emergency room a few weeks at the end of August and the doctor said I was overdue.  it all makes me angry.  Why hasn't my nurse practitioner been more concerned about my lithium levels knowing all the medications I'm on?  Why didn't my regular doctor do a lithium level test when he did all my blood work knowing that he was prescribing me medication that could cause toxicity?   Sometimes I wish I was a psychiatrist because I would be a little more compassionate and take a little more interest in my patients.  I was a retail manager for quite a while and the one thing that was always stressed was always providing excellent customer service.  Anyway, I could go on forever on how to properly treat people.

Today I went with my cousin over to her Mom and Dad's house for a visit.  My uncle can' hardly swallow at all.  Everything just gets stuck.  My cousin made him some soup like roast that will hopefully go down easy and I took over a blender so that he could make smoothies and milk shakes.  He has his appointment with the Oncologist on Tuesday and then will know what stage the cancer is, the kind of treatment he'll be receiving, and his prognosis.  My cousin is a basket case and my aunt is in denial about the whole thing.  It's been three years since my Dad died from cancer and this experience with my uncle is bringing up a lot of sad memories for me.  All I know is my uncle told me he would be there for me when I started my treatment for bipolar anytime I needed him and I have to be there for him.  I have a bad feeling about everything right now and I'm so hoping that his cancer isn't severe.  My Dad's cancer was all through his liver when they found it and was told that when the chemo stopped working he wouldn't have but a few months left.  My uncle's cancer as far as we know is just in his esophagus and possibly in some lymph nodes.  Anyway, I have to stop talking about for now because I'm just getting myself worked up over things I haven't got answers for yet.

Day 111 "Stressful Day But Ending OK"

I had a difficult time sleeping last night due to the fact that I was nervous about meeting the attorney who's going to represent me in my quest to get approved for disability.  I was about twenty minutes early for my appointment and ended waiting over a half hour because my attorney was with another client.  When I finally got called back in the conference room I calmed down a lot.  My attorney was happy with the paperwork I brought her and said that I made her job a little easier.  She said she could tell that I was OCD by all the information I had for her and the detail I went in to.  In any event I feel a lot better about the whole process because I finally feel like I have support.  So we'll see what happens and I'll keep everyone posted about the process.

Day 110 "Nervous About Social Security Appeal Tomorrow"

Last night I tossed and turned all night but was in bed for almost twelve hours.  I just kept waking up even though I had the windows open and it was a great night for sleeping.  My mood today has been OK but I've been very hypomanic today.  Tomorrow I'm meeting with an attorney in the morning about appealing my disability claim.  I completed their pre interview questionaire and the actual appeal form.  I then found the same appeal form online that I could type then print and I have that for for them as well.  I have a script from my nurse practitioner I'm taking and I also have copies of my last two visits to the doctor's office.  I even debated taking all my pills for them to see.  I feel like I've maybe included too much but I won't know till I actually meet with the attorney in the morning. 

I almost didn't appeal their decision and let it go at that.  The denial letters made me feel like I was some how trying to scam Social Security.  I talked to my therapist and she said I was probably denied because I lacked medical evidence.  I thought about it and she's right.  I was seen over ten years ago for depression and again about six years ago.  I then was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder and quit that treatment after a year.  However, I thought I would at the very least be required to see one of their doctors but that wasn't the case.  They just said that my illnesses weren't severe enough to collect disability.

Summer is almost over and this summer has been the hardest I've ever had to face.  I thought getting stabilized on medications would be easier than it's been.  Taking the medications is easy but the way they make you feel is a whole other issue.  I used to have so many little hobbies I enjoyed but haven't had the desire to do anything.  I do mow the grass with the tractor but even that has been a chore for me this summer.  I want to do so much but I've just felt overwhelmed by it all.  I'm looking forward to fall and the cooler weather.  I'm hoping the change in seasons will have a positive effect on me.  I have a really good friend whom I haven't seen in a year and I'm hoping to get away to see him sometime in the near future.

Day 109 "Today Has Been A Little Better"

Today has been a little better for me.  I was able to get up this morning without any problems.  I did however sleep this afternoon in the chair for about six hours.  I hope that doesn't screw my sleep up tonight.  Sleep is the one thing I enjoy because I can escape the realities of life.  Lately life has been really tough and I'll take any escape I can get.

Next week I start working in a group setting on mindfulness.  The idea is to be able to focus on a subject and be able to pull yourself back to that subject when the mind starts to wander.  I would imagine there is more to it than just that but that's what I was told the group is starting with.  I'm looking forward to meeting with others in a group but am also a little nervous about it.  I have a hard time being in group settings and experience a lot of anxiety.  Hopefully the entire experience will prove beneficial to me.

My uncle finally got a call from the oncologist who will be handling his cancer treatment.  His appointment is the same day as my group session but later in the day.  This is an important day because we'll find out what stage of cancer he has and have a better idea of what kind of treatment he'll receive.  I need to research questions that we need to ask this doctor.  I remember when my Dad was going through his cancer treatment that they encouraged questions and were willing to answer anything. 

Day 108 "Today Has Been A Lot Like Yesterday"

Today has been another day much like yesterday.  My speech has been slurred.  I've been tired all day.  I have felt very slow and in a fog.  I just know I can't wait till I can go to bed and just go to sleep.  I've been dreaming of doing to sleep for he last six hours.  I just feel like a zombie and can't wait for that feeling to be gone.

So today I saw my regular doctor and he put me on medication for my diabetes.  I have no problem taking the medication and am looking forward to getting my A1C number down.  My only complaint is that he wants to draw my blood in six weeks and and that if he doesn't see an improvement he may put me on insulin.  I was under the impression that an A1C number should be checked every three months to get  true reading.  I feel like had he sat down with me right after he got the results of my blood work rather than let me hang in limbo for six weeks then he could order an A1C  test for six weeks from now.  I just feel like my opinion doesn't matter and that this doctor doesn't really listen.  It's very true that when your poor you don't receive the same level of care as someone who is.

Day 107 "Another Low Flat Day"

I slept pretty good last night and only woke up twice.  I slept a total of 10 hours which for me isn't too bad at all.  I find that I function best when I sleep around ten hours.  Today my mood has been pretty flat all day.  I'm neither manic or depressed which is a good thing.  However, my flat feeling is on the low side of the bipolar spectrum.  My movements have been very slow.  My speech has been slow and I've been pretty tired.  I'm guessing its the Seroquel I take that's making me feel this way.  I so can't wait till I'm off that medication and on something else that has less side effects.