Day 28 "Good Intentions That Went Bad"

I didn’t sleep again very well last night but I did get into bed around 3am which is great for me.  I went for a walk this morning that took about 45 minutes thinking I would feel better and it did nothing for my morning.  Today my body ached really a lot and I had a lot of anxiety.  It’s been the worst I’ve had since starting on medication. 

The afternoon got a little worse because I became irritable.  Everybody I encountered could go to hell, die in a fire, get killed in an explosion for all I cared.  There were just so many people that pissed me off and I wished horrible things on them.  I must have wished a dozen people dead.  There was a guy who passed me on a double yellow line and I hoped that I would drive over the hill and see his car in a pole. 

Like I’ve said before everyone thinks it’s funny when I get like that but that just makes me more upset and angry.  Jut typing that has made me start to cry which I ended up doing all evening along with being a little uneasy on my feet.  Today was an off day for me and sure hope tomorrow is better.  My bipolar effects me at any given time and I can’t control it.  In a perfect world I could live by myself in a nice quiet atmosphere and wouldn’t have to depend on others to support me.  I’m not saying that I want to be a hermit but I do function and feel so much better when I’m by myself which at this point I never see happening. 

I’m 41 years old now and haven’t worked for going on three years and every job I apply for is lower grade work than I did before.  My therapist said that I may want to consider applying for disability so that I can get this nasty evil illness under control.  Sometimes I will have a good afternoon or night and think to myself that maybe I’m just being lazy and then something will set me off and then it clicks in my head that I got a serious problem that I need to take care. 

I’m still in shock from being on that constant roller coaster ride I’ve been on for as long as I can remember.  I was on it for so long that my brain is having a real hard time adjusting to not being on it and the illness still sucks me in a lot.  I would just have to say that my mania has calmed down a lot.  I still think about sex a lot some days and even look at a lot of porn but I haven’t placed any ads looking for sex with strangers and then staying up for days waiting and constantly looking.  Anyway, my emotions and thought are all over the place today and I need to get off here.  I didn’t binge or purge today!  It’s a little after 2 in the morning and I’m going to bed.

Day 27 "Shift From Hypomania to Dpression"

Well, I didn’t sleep last night because I got working on those slides and I was in a frenzy to get them done.  My brain stopped being depressed and I just went to town.  There was no rush to get them done but since my brain was in hypomanic mode I was like let’s do this.  Anyway, I have to take my seven year old nephew to his swim lesson this morning because my sister and her husband are going to help his grandparents out today.  The swim lesson didn’t go too bad because I just messed around on my phone the entire time.   When we got home I drank a bunch of water and tried to lie down but kept getting interrupted because my sister’s kids were making so much noise. 

My mood shifted from that hypomania to being depressed and that’s where I stayed the rest of the day.  I didn’t have any crazy outbursts or want to kill myself but I got thinking about my future and wondered what I’m doing all this for.  Sometimes I feel like getting this treatment is all for nothing.  I know that I should be looking at it all different but I’ve had a hard time today.  I just want to survive on my own and be stable.  I signed up for Disability this past week and there have been a couple of moments where I’ve felt ok and thought to myself that maybe doing that was wrong.  Then I have days like today where I’m negative, have no hope for my future, have a lot of anxiety, can’t concentrate and have this feeling of emptiness that I can’t shake. 

This is when I realize that I do have a problem and what I’m doing is the right thing.  I’m not trying to make a big deal about anything but on the other hand this is a big deal to me and I’m not dealing with it all as well as I thought would be.  I don’t want my families pity but it sure would be nice if they could try and understand what I’m facing and going through.  With that said, the biggest thing would be if they could respect me being on a schedule.  Not one sole in my family understands that if I don’t get a certain amount of sleep that it sends me into mania.  They think its ok for me to go to bed at 2 am and then be up ready to go at 8am because God forbid we waste the day.  If I try to explain myself they tell me that it’s ok and that they’ll just have to do whatever by myself.  I’m trying to teach myself to say NO and it’s one of the hardest things to master and it also depends on who you tell it too.  Anyway, it’s 2am in the morning and I’m going to get off here and hopefully tomorrow will be better.  It’s the first day of the first full week of summer.   

Day 26 "Hypomania Again"

I went outside at about 1230 am and I took my laptop out and looked at porno for about 2 hours.  I had been hypersexual all day yesterday so I guess it makes sense.  Anyway, I woke up at 8am, came in, took my pills, ate something and went back to bed.  I was up and down a number of times but didn’t get up until 545pm.  I just had no energy to do anything and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

I went to eat with my Mom and I hate crowds.  It makes my skin crawl to be around a bunch of people.  I then spotted someone I knew that I didn’t want to talk to and it made my anxiety worse.  Thank god I never had to talk to them.  My level of depression was really high again today but I wasn’t hypersexual. 

 When we got back from eating out I started (915pm) working on converting my uncle's 35mm slides over to the computer and there was roughly 650 slides to convert and my scanner can only do 4 at a time.  It’s now 10am on Saturday and I just finished doing the slides.  It ended up that there were 642.

Day 25 "Mixed State KInd Of Day"

Well, I woke up at 345am and was never able to get back to sleep.  I just laid there and tried to fall asleep but nothing.  I had racing thought about all kinds of things, but mostly sex. Today has been a mixed day of emotions for me.  There is no reason for any of it other than that’s how I feel.  The biggest thing for me today besides being hypersexual is depression.  I have felt down all day and feel like I’m a worthless piece of garbage but yet I keep thinking about sex.  I just feel like I’m jumping through hurdles for what. 

I took my Mom over to my sister’s house today so that she could watch the kids while my sister put a swing set together.  I stayed in the house for most of it and tried to fix my sister's computer that her son keeps messing up.  I was just so angry and depressed the whole time.  When it came time for us to have to leave at 6 my sister didn’t get it that I had to get home and take my pills.  She basically wanted us to stay and got kind of annoyed that we were leaving.  

As it was we didn’t get home till almost 8pm and I have tried to take my pills at the same time every day.  I just wish people could respect what I got going on in my life.  I don’t want any pity nor do I want any handouts.  I just want to be respected.  I put my tent up a few days ago and I’m going to camp out tonight by myself.  Maybe it will make me feel better.

Day24 "Application For SSDI DONE"

I didn’t get to bed again last night till late and then had to get up and go to Social Security Office this morning.  I talked to Mr. Baker and he said my claim was all good and all I had to do was wait for a decision and that I may also have to go for a psych evaluation with one of their doctors.   I got into to see him about 910am and was out of there about 935am.  He also got me to apply for SSI as well which I kind of don’t understand why but I went with it.   My overall mood was better today but I still didn’t have very much energy and spent the entire afternoon in bed. 

Day 23 "Another Night Of Hypomania"

I didn’t fall asleep until late last night and I looked at porn for two hours last night before I fell asleep.  I wasn’t as manic as I was a month ago but definitely hypomanic.  I finally got out of bed around 430pm today but did get up twice to use the bathroom.  My mood was low this evening and I have been kind of depressed since getting up.  I just want to get this bipolar under control.  Everybody keeps telling me to be patient and my family thinks I’m nuts.  I’m going to keep going with the flow, one day at a time.  I just feel a lot like there’s no hope for me and it’s hard to change that feeling. 

I got my SSDI stuff all together and I’m going to office tomorrow to make sure I’m on the right track in getting everything together.  I kind of feel like that’s a waste of my time too and that there’s no hope.  I have only told Mom and my cousin and I think they both think that I’m trying to get a free ride.  I just really don’t have anyone to talk to about any of it and I’m just plain scared about everything.  I just want to be normal and be able to support myself.  I know I say that all the time but it’s just how I feel. 

Ok, I’m starting to get a little weepy so it’s time for me to stop now.  I didn’t binge or purge again today and that is a good thing.  I sure would love to have a cup of coffee.  It’s like the one thing I really enjoy and I can’t have it because of the caffeine and I hate decaf.  I mowed the yard tonight with the tractor and the vibration of the mower made my body ache.  I stopped twice for a break and I just wish there was somebody else to take care of mowing.  I used to enjoy it a lot but now I would rather not.

Day 22 "Low Mood Kind Of Day"

Last night I got to sleep really late again, it was after 4 that I went to bed.  I fell asleep in bout an hour I was say.  The last time I looked at the clock it was just before 5.  I slept until 230pm but did manage to get up at 8 and take my pills.  The cell phone has been a life saver for me concerning taking my pills on time and not forgetting.  I drank a lot of water today (14glasses) and did not binge or purge.  I had a huge appetite today and of course we had to eat out because that’s all my Mom ever wants to do.  I’ve kind of given up on my diet and I’ve gained about 12 pounds in the last two weeks.  My mood was low all day today and I tried working in the yard for a few minutes today but I just couldn’t.  The neighbor was outside and she always wants to chat and I just don’t.   It totally makes me get a ton of anxiety and I just want to go off so I went in the house and went back in to my room till dinner.  It was an overall blah kind of day.  I hope tomorrow is better.