Day 97 "Very Low SLow Day"

Today has been a very low slow day.  After taking my Seroquel last night around 8 p.m. I was finally ready to sleep around 2 this morning.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner says it should work in about three hours.  Well, it works on me in about five to six hours.  However, once it works I'm out for around twelve hours on average.  Today, I woke up after sleeping for twelve hours, was up for two hours, and then went back to bed for another four hours because I was just that sedated.  So I slept for sixteen hours and that's unacceptable.  Of the few hours that I've been awake I've felt very depressed and sedated.  The more I take this drug the worse I feel.

I've lost all faith in this drug and feel like it's caused me to lose the entire summer.  I'm hardly ever outside and have no desire to do anything.  All I feel like doing is nothing.  Isn't that the definition of being lethargic?  I don't have an appointment with my nurse practitioner until the middle of September but am going to try and be put on a cancellation list so that I can get in a little sooner.  I need to get off this drug and try something different.  I have this feeling she's going to try and fight me on it but I'm going to stick to my guns.  I'm keeping track of all the hours I sleep plus it's also a drug that could be contributing to my A1C number being so high.  It might not be the entire reason my A1C is so high but it could be a contributing factor. 

Anyway, this following week I'm going to be picking my nephew up three days a week from school and will have him for three to four hours a night.  He lives really close to a park that has a walking track and he's going to become my walking partner.  I promised him he could play on the playground if he promises to walk with me.  The walking will be good for me and hopefully help me to lose weight.  I also think letting my nephew play on the playground will help him to let off some steam.  Well, day 97 is close to being over and I hope that day 98 is much better!  

Day 95 & 96 " A Trip To The Emergency Room"

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post because I had to make a trip to the Emergency Room.  I had been having some abdominal discomfort for about the last three to four days.  At some times the discomfort was worse and I had planned to let my doctor know about it the day before yesterday but he had rescheduled my appointment and I never got the message.  I had blood work done four weeks prior to this appointment and was supposed to get the results so when I showed up for the appointment I asked for a copy of my blood work which showed that I have several problems with biggest being Diabetes.  I pretty much freaked out all that day and yesterday about that along with the discomfort in my lower abdomen and with all the medication I take for bipolar disorder I was really worried.  So I decided last night that I would go to the ER and get checked out.

When I got to the ER the wait to be seen was four to five hours.  During that period I saw a woman lose her husband and at that point I really felt a lot of anxiety.  What if the discomfort I was feeling was cancer?  After about two hours they called me back to get my blood drawn which took six attempts.  I didn't pass out but was so uncomfortable, the nurse was just about to get someone else to try, and finally hit a vein to get the blood she needed.

During my blood draw the nurse told me that she could see fear in my eyes.  I told her besides being being their for abdominal discomfort I was being treated for bipolar disorder and that this summer has been pretty much miserable.  She told me that, yes, I have a lot going on but that I need to cut myself a break and concentrate on fixing the problems one at a time.  She suggested that I start walking and that could have a positive impact on everything.  She told me to start slow and build myself up and at some point things would get better.  She told me I was a really nice man and that she really enjoyed talking to me.  I know that I've talked with my therapist about eating and exercising but talking to this nurse made me feel a little better about how I was feeling.  Thanks nurse Terri!

After my blood draw I went back to the waiting room and for another two hours until I was finally called back.  After being called back and given a bed by an over worked nurse I waited another hour before the doctor came in.  He was a very nice man and listened to what I had to say.  He said that the best course of action for me was to have a CT Scan of my chest and abdomen.  He also asked me for a urine specimen.  Within ten minutes I had given my urine specimen and was being scanned that only took about fifteen minutes.  Anyway, about another hour passed and the doctor came in and said everything looked good.  There was no problem with my urine, my CT scan looked good and my blood work was OK.  He said that the discomfort could be a number of things and that I should keep an eye on it and follow up with my doctor but to come back if it got worse.  Thank you Dr. Tim!

I got home at six this morning made breakfast, took my pills, and went to bed.  I had been up for twenty three hours without sleep.  After sleeping for nine hours I got up and ate dinner.  My mood this evening has been pretty good.  I still have discomfort in my lower abdomen and am making some changes.  This past week I have eaten a lot of nuts and I'm eating no more nuts.  I also usually drink 16oz. of water at a time and I'm reducing the amount I drink to 10oz. so that I'm not making my kidneys work too hard.  I'm also going to watch the amount of fatty foods I consume as well.  I don't know what the discomfort is but I'm going to do whatever I can to aleve it.  I will be following up with my doctor this coming week and I'm going to do everything to overcome this, the diabetes, and of course my bipolar disorder.

Day 94 "Those Who Have Money And Insurance Always Come First"

Today has been a low day for me again.  I don't feel well and I have no hope that I'm ever going to get better.  I went to the doctor this morning expecting to get the results of my blood work that was done in the end of July.  Well,  I got there and found out that my appointment had been cancelled and moved to Sept 11th.  I made note of it and asked if I could get a copy of my blood work results so that I could take them with me to my therapy session in the afternoon.

Well, I got my blood work in an envelope from the receptionist and I left.  When I got out to the car I opened them and started looking at the numbers.  I was shocked to see that my A1C number was 10.4%.  The A1C number measures your average blood glucose at all times during the previous 2-3 months.  Checking your blood with a meter only gives you a picture of what it is at that moment.  Average A1C numbers are anything between 4-6%.  Keeping your A1C number within the guidelines greatly reduces eye, heart, and kidney problems.

As I sat there in the car I got really upset and just cried.  It's like everything is happening all at once with me.  I then got angry at my doctor.  Why didn't he or his nurse let me know that my A1C numbers were high?  Why didn't someone at the doctor's office counsel me this morning?  I would have been happy to wait.  It all comes down to the fact that I have no insurance and no money.  There's not really anything in it for my doctor.  Years ago when I had insurance I would go get my blood drawn and then get the results the following week.  I've talked to some other people that currently have insurance and it still works that way.  It's a shame that things have to be like this.  I'm not asking for a handout I just wish I could get the same level of customer service.

I went to my therapy session this afternoon and my therapist got the nurse there to go over my lab work with me.  She told me that everything is reversible but that I'm definitely diabetic according to the A1C number.  She told me to stay away from sweets and eat more vegetables.  I don't have an appointment for two weeks so I'm going to look at the American Diabetes Association website and see if they have any meal plans.

Day 93 "Meltdown Mode Approaching"

Today my mood has been low all day.  My speech has been really slow and a little slurred.  I've also been crying a little here and there.  My cousin was with me this afternoon and is very concerned with my treatment plan.  She told me that I'm always sleeping and how do I expect to work a job when I can't stay awake.  I agree with her and am going to talk with my therapist tomorrow.  My cousin's concerns go along with my own concerns.  In the beginning they told me that I should consider applying for Disability now I'm being told that I could possibly be working withing in a few months with the help of someone who will help me rewrite my resume.  God knows I would love to hold a full time job and take care of myself but is two months a realistic time frame.  I agree with my therapist that I'm making improvements but those improvements don't necessarily mean that I'll be able to hold a job.

Today I've also had slight discomfort in my stomach that I think may be my appendix.  It's not a stabbing kind of pain but I can feel it when I move, breathe, cough, or move the wrong way.  I'm tempted to take myself to the hospital tonight but I have an appointment with my doctor in the morning.  I'm just about ready to lose my mind over this and my bipolar disorder.  I've had the most horrible depressing summer and if I my appendix has to be removed I feel like I'm going to flip out.  I just want to feel normal again and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Day 92 "I Want What I Want"

Today was an overall OK day!  I'm still mildly depressed and have no interest in doing anything I enjoy.  I have a really nice camera my parents gave me for Christmas five years ago and I've had it out twice this year.  I used to enjoy hiking and biking and I could careless if I do either one ever again.  I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.  Is it because I need another medication?  Is it because I need one of my current medications dosage changed?  Is it because I'm not working and haven't had a full time job in almost three years?  I don't know what the problem is but I would like to have some enjoyment in my life again.  The medications have helped me but is the way I'm feeling right now normal. 

My next concern is the medications and their effectiveness in controlling my ups and downs.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner said she would work until we found the right combination of medications to control my bipolar disorder.  All of these medications have side effects and I want to know at what point do the health risks outweigh benefits of the drug.  I see my doctor in two days and am going to find out if I need to be on pills for diabetes.  My sugar was borderline one month ago when I saw my doctor last.  This was about two weeks after I had started taking Seroquel which one of it's side effects is it can cause diabetes.  I also have developed high blood pressure in the last couple of  months which I think started when I began taking Lithium.  I was put on Lisinopril for the high blood pressure and that drug does not mix well with Lithium.  According to what I've read on the Internet Lithium doesn't mix well with any drug for blood pressure.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner told me before I went to see the doctor not to let him talk me out of Seroquel because the benefits outweigh the risks.  Well, shouldn't that decision be up to me?  I get my Seroquel for free from her and just wonder of she gets some sort of kick back from the drug company.

My final concern is that maybe I'm just being too hyper.  Maybe I'm working myself up to the point that I'm causing my own high blood pressure.  When I get stressed I like to eat and maybe that kind of eating is causing my sugar to be higher than it should be.  So I'm not exactly sure how to handle this whole situation.  I will be seeing my doctor in two days and talking to him about how I'm feeling.  That afternoon I see my therapist and will be talking to her about how I should handle all of this as well. 

I'm reading through all of what I just wrote and feel a little psychotic.  I feel like I'm going off the deep end.  It's a whole different feeling than the ups and downs I've been having.  It's crazy racing thoughts about wanting people to listen to me.  I just want what I want and that's to be stable and possibly get off some of this medication.  I haven't heard too many good things about any of the medications I take on a long term basis.

Day 91 "An Unexpected Occurance"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part.  I feel like I can function and get around without any trouble.  However, I have this constant feeling of mild depression that just won't go away.  I feel like I can't enjoy anything I used to like to do.  I basically have no hope for my future.  As a result I barely go out of the house and just sleep a lot.  I have tried to go on a couple of car rides with my cousin but I just can't enjoy myself as much as I would like too.  My therapist told me that stable for me might be a little on the low side and I may have to get used to that.  However, I feel my depression is lower than what she's talking about and will be discussing it with her when I see her this week.  As much as I don't want another medication I may need one to help me with this depression.

This evening I had a really nice visit with my older brother.  He approached me about helping me to get my car fixed.  As much as I don't want to be in debt to anyone I really need to get the car fixed.  It might raise my spirits knowing I have my own automobile to drive.  It hasn't been on the road since I started this blog.  He told me this would be between me and him and that he wants to get it towed this week to the garage.  So if all goes well I may be able to drive it in the next week or so.

After we were done talking about the car my brother got this serious look on his face and asked me if I believed everything that my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner were telling me.  I  explained to him that I made a timeline of my entire life and listed every little detail I could remember about my schooling, jobs, addictions, friendships, highs, and lows.  I told him that I took this 25 page timeline with me to my appointment and that I went through two long interviews.  So, my answer to him was yes.  I do believe the diagnosis I was given.  He told me he never realized I was having that tough of time.  My answer to that was that I kept a lot of information from everybody around me.  I told people what they wanted to hear and tried to show people what they wanted to see.  I wasn't all that good at that and just isolated myself a lot from my family.

I told my brother of the progress I've been making and that my therapist said that if I continue in the direction I'm going she's going to refer me to someone who can help me with my resume and getting a job.  I told him the timeline she's looking at is two months.  I'm a first for my brother when it comes to Bipolar disorder.  He's never had to deal with it and really didn't understand how it makes me feel until tonight.  It made me feel good for him to understand where I was coming from and that I'm not going to let this disorder define who I am.  He didn't say but I think he thought I was just going to let this disorder consume me. 

Day 90 "Three Months On Medications Today"

Well, today marks the 90 day point in my treatment with medications.  It has been a long three months with many ups and downs.  I still have a little bit of mania from time to time but it's not anywhere as severe as it was before beginning treatment.  Three months ago I was very hypersexual, I was very angry with everyone, and I felt like I was above everyone else and could do anything I wanted.  I didn't care about the consequences of my actions.  I was also starting to have mixed episodes and was having highs and lows at the same time.  I felt like I was on a roller coaster that was non stop, out of control, and I couldn't get off of it.

When I started medications I was put on Lithium 900mg and Klonopin 1.5mg.  In a matter of a week the mania I was experiencing was gone.  I was left with a deep depression.  All I wanted to do was be in a dark room, sleep, and cry.  I even had thoughts of death and suicide during this time.  I got a hold of my  psychiatric nurse practitioner and told her how I was feeling and she decided that I needed something for the depression I was having.  She chose to raise my dosage of Klonopin to 3 mg and put me on Seroquel XR 300mg which took me about a month to get used to because of the sedating effect it had on me.  After that month I was still having some problems with depression and she decided to raise my dose another 300mg to 600mg.  I was  on this dose for about three weeks and developed problems with my vision.  After talking to her about this she reduced my dosage of Seroquel to 400mg and that seemed to do the trick.   

The biggest problem for me now is getting used to all of these medications.  Once I go to bed they tend to sedate me and it's hard for me to wake up.  Even if I do get up at a descent time I feel like I want to sleep for the first four or five hours I'm up.  Other than that I'm starting to feel better.  However, I still feel like I'm missing out on life and feel generally depressed.  I feel like I can't have any fun doing anything.  I never thought in a million years I would feel this way.  I thought after being on medications for a month I would feel normal again.  Being prescribed medications for bipolar is sure different than being prescribed medications for depression.  I'm looking forward to becoming totally stabilized on this medication and feeling more in control.  I'm going to keep doing what I'm instructed to do and by Day 180 I hope to feel even better.