"Todays visit with therapist"

Today is the first time in months that I've felt in control of my life.  I've finally figured out that I can say no and don't have to offer an explanation.  Just state the facts and move on.  However this is hard and takes a lot of practice.  I've been writing down different scenarios and the way I would handle them.  The most difficult thing for me is to not come across as judgemental.  Coming across as judgemental can be a problem in any situation.  I just have to keep in mind to stick to the facts.  My decisions are not for others to like but accept.

Since my last post I've been pretty hypomanic maybe more manic.  I've averaged about two to three hours of sleep a night and have struggled with taking medication.  I've also been smoking both cigarettes and occasionally marijuana.  While I don't smoke marijuana everyday I have spent around $1400 this summer on it.  Finally, I've been very hypersexual and had a hookup with someone I met online.

So while I'm making progress in how I handle myself with others  I'm still having alot of trouble being able to manage myself.  It's difficult when some days your high then the next your low.  Some days for me it's both which is hell for me as well as the people I'm around.   The ups and downs are very draining and makes it hard to cope. However, the fact that I've made progress with being able to say no is a major accomplishment for me.  All I can do is to keep on fighting.

"NEW MED MORE PROBLEMS"

So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and he's probably going to start me on a new medication to replace the reactions I was having to another new medication called Vraylar. It is similar to Abilify, Serequel, and Latuda.  It seems like I'm allergic to everything and as a result I continue to have mixed episodes.  My doctor says it's looking as if I'm treatment resistant.  Well, what does that mean?  I know medication isn't my cure but without something I'm gonna end up in a bad place.  Furthermore, my psychiatrist did lower my lithium dose which I  thought was a mistake seeing as I was doing better on the higher dose.  I want to know why my lithium was lowered in the first place.  All I know is that today Im gonna find out what exactly treatment resistant means and what happens next.

"THE NEW PUPPY"

First off, I live with my Mom in the same house I grew up in.  Well, my sister and husband decided they needed a puppy for their two children age 5 and 10.  They also thought my Mom needed one as well.  So when they went to pick up the puppies the breeder had the last puppy in the litter who was supposed to be going to another person.  This person apparently never showed up and of course my crazy in love sister bought the last puppy as well.  I think it was all a lie to guilt my sister into buying the last puppy.  So there are now three puppies.

Now, my nephew and niece and their two puppies come to my Mom's house everyday.  The puppies aren't housebroken and my sister wants everything her way.  My Mom and I were on the same page as to how the puppy would be trained and fed.  Well, that's all changed.

We were going to train the puppy to use a litter box on our screened in porch.  We decided this because of the many red tailed hawks we have in our yard and the very small size of the Chiweenie puppy who weighs 2lbs and 2oz.  I've witnessed a hawk swoop down grab a full sized squirrel smother it and carry it off. 

Well my sister said everything would be ok and that the kids will take their dogs out in the yard.  Because of this my Mom is taking her dog into the yard as well.  They won't know what hit them if a hawk swoops down and grabs one of the puppies which each weighs around 2lbs.  It would be very traumatic for everyone

So I'm trying to not get attached to my Mom's puppy.  It's just one more thing to add to the list of things I have anxiety about.  I've lived in the same house for my entire life and dread the day when I'm going to have to move out since there's more owed on the house than it's value.  The house payment is more than I get from SS every month.  My sister would also take the dog to her house.

I want my Mom to live forever but none of us will.  I feel like I'm being selfish but I'm just trying to prepare for the future so that I'll be able to cope when my Mom passes away unless I pass away first.  It's going to be so hard to leave the only home I've ever known and now there's a puppy involved.  I know I'm going to bond with him and with a life span of around 16 years old and my Mom being 74 there's a good chance he'll outlive her.  It would be devastating to lose my Mom, life long home, and a dog all at once.  There would be nothing left in my life.

Well,  I don't want pity from anyone.  I just wish that people would think about how their actions effect others.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar over eight years ago and my family still treats me like I'm just a drama queen.  It's very frustrating. I've been having mixed episodes for the last five months making everything worse.  I could try another medication but the doctor says I'm treatment resistant.  Anyway, I wish people in general could show a little more compassion and empathy for those with a disability  or mental illness.

Switch shoes with a friend or family member for a day and see how they fit and wear.

"I'M STILL HERE"

Well, I haven't posted here since February of 2015.  I'm not going to apologize because this is the one place I can express my thoughts and don't have to answer to anyone.  I don't really care about who follows me or just comes across the blog.  It's just a place where I can write my thoughts and relax.  Now, with that being said It would be nice if someone found this blog that was going through the same issues as me.

As for what I've been up to the last year and a half has been a real roller coaster ride.  I was awarded full disability in July 2015 after a three year process of applying for and being denied several times.  I finally got a court date in April 2015,  went before a judge, had a psychological exam and then awarded full disability.  The whole process was long, exhausting, very intrusive, and very demeaning to me.  The judge wrote in his favorable decision that I had below average intelligence.  Seeing that just hurt a lot. 

Anyway, I now get a monthly check from Social Security and have Medicare and Medicaid.  I would have gotten the Medicare alone but my monthly income being so low qualifies me for Medicaid which is basically welfare.  In any event it's nice to be able to better take care of myself. 

Now onto my mental issues which is by far my least favorite subject.  First off, I've seen two different psychiatrists since I last posted and both have a different approach to treating me.  The first psychiatrist I had was an Osteopath and took a real interest in my overall health.  He was careful about the medications he prescribed and weaned me off the benzodiazapines I was taking which took almost a year.  I felt like I was becoming stronger and he said he could see improvement.  Well after a year of seeing him he was fired because he took too long with his patients.  So much for having a doctor that cares.

So here comes my present doctor.  He's a nice guy but reduced my Lithium dose, raised my Lamictal to the maximum, and put me on Xanax and then Klonopin.  So now I'm back on a benzodiazapine and the last year has been hell.

My moods have been up and down and I have been cycling pretty fast.  I can go from mania to depression at the drop of a hat.  My current diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with mixed episodes.  Since last fall the mania has been horrible.  I have racing thoughts about everything from A to Z and its about big ideas and things that I can't have.  I've spent money on things I don't need, started smoking both cigarettes and pot again.  The worst part is being hypersexual and I just want it really bad and will do anything to get it.  It's just bad and I want it to stop.   All this makes me not want to be here a lot which I've told my Psychiatrist but he kind of brushes it off and sends me on my way.

Well, I could go on and on and on but I won't.  I'm just back, glad to be here at this moment, and going to use this blog to express my thoughts whatever they are at the moment, and hopefully this will help me to cope with my condition better.

"Anniversary Of Grandpa's Suicide"

Today my mood is somewhat depressed but for the first time in a long time I feel steady.  I'm not jumping back and forth from one extreme to another.  Today I've been able to have clear and concise thoughts.  Hopefully I will have many more days like today.  My only hope is  that on those days the clear and concise thoughts I'm having are more pleasant.

On this day in 1971 my Grandpa hung himself in his family home.  I wasn't born for another year but his death has touched everyone in my family.  His children all have trust issues because of his lack of trust and they all detach themselves from the outside world.  This has been passed down to all their children.  It seems like the cycle is never going to end which is very depressing 

My Grandfather was an alcoholic and abusive to his entire family.  He would drink and all hell would break out.  He used to beat both my Grandmother and all his children.  Today he would have been arrested and jailed.  Some of the cruel acts he submitted his immediate family to are hard to believe.  He once went after my Grandma with an axe and beat her with it before chopping all the furniture up.  Another time he beat his six year old son, stripped all his clothes, and then kicked him out of the house in to the cold winter night.

I'm not trying to bash him or judge him for what he did.  I just know that he was an alcoholic and when he was drunk he was a loud, abusive, obnoxious person.  I don't know for sure but I really think he was Bipolar.  I've brought my theory up before but nobody wants to talk about it.  I've also had a hard time with my family accepting my Bipolar Disorder and thought that maybe associating it with my Grandfather possibly having it scares them. 

At this point, I've made a lot of progress and am using what I know about my Grandpa to better myself.  I feel that every situation can offer information which we can use to educate ourselves.  While my Grandfather's death was a tragedy to my entire family I look at his death as a lesson on how not to commit suicide.  Rest in peace Grandpa!



 

"What I Try To Block Out"

Since I last posted my mood has not changed.  I'm still having a lot of depression mixed with states of hypomania.  Hypomania for me is anger, racing thoughts, lack of patience with everyone, anxiety, and hypersexuality.  There's more to hypomania that I experience but it makes me exhausted to think about it.  Today I experienced a lot of racing thoughts about my weight, my diet, how I'm going to make money, and where I'm going to live someday which are thoughts I try to block out because of the crippling effects they have on my brain.

Right now I'm 330 pounds and have a BMI of over 50 which makes me morbidly obese.  I have had a CT scan of my coronary arteries to look for blockages which came back normal.  I had this done because after having an EKG it showed that mine was abnormal.  My diabetes has progressed to the point where I now take insulin injections everyday.  My doctor is on me hard to work out and lose weight.  He suggested that I have bariatric surgery in which they remove a large part of the stomach.  He said that I could lose a lot of weight and that my diabetes would go away.  In the mean time I'm going to think about it and see a dietitian to set me up with a diet plan.

I've started diets before and have had moderate success.  The most weight I've ever lost was 85 pounds.  I'm good when I start out but usually get lazy after three or four months and end up quitting.  I also have a hard time exercising mostly because I have to do it alone and I'm very self conscious about people looking at me.  So right now I'm in the process of going to see the hospital dietitian in hopes he can set me up with a diet plan.  The only problem with that is that I don't have the money to eat well.  I'm unemployed and live with my Mom.  She pays for all the food in this house and since my Dad has passed away she doesn't like to cook a lot.  She buys a lot of processed foods and things that the grandchildren will eat.  She does buy some vegetables and fruits but it's never enough.  She spent all her grocery money the other day and we're already almost out of fruit and veggies.  On a diet, what do I do when I run out of things to eat and can't go to the store for another week. 

Many would say that I need to find a job and I totally agree.  I dream of the day when I can earn an honest paycheck again.  It's been close to four years since I worked.  I worry that my bipolar disorder isn't under control yet and I would end up getting fired or walking out because of something stupid I probably do which is usually how all  my jobs end.  Additionally I feel that I get discriminated against because of my being over 40, the gaps in my employment, lack of references, and not being rehirable by my past employers.  I also worry about how I would get back and forth to a job because I don't have my own car.  I drive my Mom's car when I need to but she doesn't like it and prefers that her vehicle stay in the garage. 

In addition to all the other thoughts I've had running through my head I also keep thinking about what's going to happen to me if something would happen to my Mom.  She owes almost as much as the house is worth and if she were to die the house would most definitely go back to the bank.  I do have two brothers and a sister but I would never want to live with any of them.  The biggest reason I wouldn't want to live with any of them is that none of them accept me as having bipolar.  They all think I use it as an excuse to get out of working.  We don't ever talk about it and if I were to bring it up the room would get quiet.  It's like get a grip, grow up, and recognize the fact that this disease is real.

Today when I was having racing thoughts about all of this I just wanted for it to go away because it makes it hard to do anything else.  I would be alright if I could concentrate on one subject at a time but it when I get four or five I just want to scream.  Besides wanting to go to sleep I get very irritable and am angered easily.  I tried watching some television and tried to go for a walk but it had just snowed and things were too messy outside.  I also tried drawing and listening to some music but it didn't help me either.  There's just times when you have to ride it out and go with the flow however uncomfortable that may be even though I'm going to always try and block it out.

"The Fence"

Since I last made an entry there has been no change with my Bipolar Disorder.  I have been depressed and having periodic moments of hypomania that last can last anywhere from five minutes up to an entire day.  I've found that while walking, coloring, listening to meditations, and music can have a positive effect on my hypomania what has helped me most lately is by not letting myself be in a situation where I feel like I need to have an opinion about something.  To do this I basically have to stay indoors and away from other people as much as I can which I feel alright in doing.  There are going to be those times which I need to go out and times I need to be around other people but I need to be aware at all times of what I'm getting myself in to.  Well, this past weekend I was blind sided when the drama came to me and I had to deal with more than I could handle.

First off, I live with my Mother in the same house I grew up in and also have the same neighbors as I did as a child.  I'm forty-two years old and that's a long time to be around the same people.  Because of this I've always felt very comfortable with my neighbors, being around them, talking to them, and I thought they all felt that way as well.  Well, I learned differently this past Saturday when my next door neighbor, in the middle of January, had a six foot fence put down the lot line between her and my Mom's house.  She didn't have fencing put across the back of her yard to connect with her neighbor just a tall fence on our lot line.  I can still walk around the fence and into her yard and walk through her back lot line which has some overgrown hedges.  

She had called my Mom the night before and told her she was thinking about having the yard fenced.  She told my Mom she didn't like people cutting through our backyard into hers to get from one street to the next.  Last September my neighbor was talking to my Mom and told her that all the leaves from our trees and in our yard always blow into her yard.  She's mentioned this too my Mom on several occasions.  Well, I take care of my Mom's yard and mow an average of two times a week during the fall season.  This year all of our leaves were up and done for two weeks before my neighbor's lawn service came to suck hers up.  I keep a good watch on the leaves in the fall and mulch or pick them up if they look out of control which means I end up outside sometimes three times a week.  I should also mention that we only have two big trees in our backyard and that my neighbor has four.  I should also mention that my neighbor uses a walker and doesn't go in her backyard at all.  Even before she started using a walker she probably hadn't been in her yard in twenty years. 

Anyway, this whole fence thing has had me really upset.  It looks like a spite fence to me and all the other neighbors think so as well.  I've looked up the rules set forth by the township we live in and there's no rule saying she can't put a fence on the lot line.  She also doesn't need a permit to do so.  I have looked and looked everywhere for some sort of loophole but I just keep coming up at a dead end.  I have thought about all the meanest things I could do or say to her and I just keep hitting a dead end.  The whole thing has me nuts and the anxiety of it is triggering hypomania for me.

As a result of the constant hypomania I'm having I've come to a conclusion.  I'm going to just let it go as hard as that may be and live with it.  I'm not going to do or say anything about it to my neighbor.  What that means is that I'm going to go about my business and do what I do.  She put that barrier up between us and I don't have to acknowledge her.