"Feeling Sorry For Myself"

I've been wanting to say something all day today but couldn't come up with anything.  So I gave up this afternoon and just went about my day.  As you can probably guess my day was lousy today and the day before that.  I was told yesterday that I have a mild blockage leading to my heart and.  My Mom told me that we all have aches and pains.  I keep gaining weight and everyone just keeps on feeding me.  I haven't had a job in over three years and I see my siblings all getting to travel and falling in to good fortune when it comes to money.  It seems like everyone around me has someone to root for him or her while I have just myself.  However, I seem to push everyone farther and farther away from me even though deep down that' not what I want.  All of this just wanders through my mind continually and it makes me feel really sorry for myself.

Feeling sorry for myself takes many shapes.  I tend to be hard on myself only focusing on the negative things in my life.  I get angry very easily and am confrontational.  My Mom is the person who sees this side of me the most because she seems to have very little empathy for what I'm going through.  I don't want anything special from her just a little more understanding.  As a result, I tend to just withdraw from everyone and hide in my own little world which hasn't changed since I was a teenager  I'm in the same room with the same paint, furniture,  and carpet.  All I can say is I NEED A POSITIVE CHANGE one of these days.

I'm at a point in my life where nobody is going to do me favors which I've said before.  Somehow, I have to reinvent myself and climb out of this deep dark hole I have myself in.  I have to first try and lose weight and start exercising.  I'm going to customize one of the trackers I have in the blog so that I have something I can measure my progress with.  I'm not sure what kind of exercise I'm going to do yet.  I've put on so much weight that it's hard to do a whole lot but I think walking is in order starting out slowly.  I've done some general reading about exercise and they say that it can do a lot of good for your mind as well as your body.  With that said I'm not going to put anything else on my plate and really work on my weight with diet and exercise which I hope will in turn help me to feel happy for myself.

"Haven't Been Taking My Medications As I Should"

For the last three weeks I've had Bronchitis pretty bad.  I try to sleep lying down at night but feel like I'm drowning  so I've been sleeping sitting up which isn't much better but at least I don't feel as if I'm drowning and can kind of catch my breathe.  I've been coughing so much that my throat is red and I cough up a lot of blood.  Before any of you say that I should contact my doctor I have had an exam and is aware of the problems I've been having and I have an appointment to see him next week.

The problem I'm having is that I've been taking over the counter cough medicine which has Acetaminophen in it which I read can cause a persons lithium level to rise to toxic levels.  So I flipped a coin and decided to stop my lithium and take the cough medicine which also helps me sleep.  Furthermore, I've also not been taking my thyroid or blood pressure medicine as I should the last week.  Additionally, I've been tapering off of klonopin for the last three months and the past week I've been taking more of it than I'm supposed to.

I've just had so many health related things going on that I've been a mental breakdown waiting to happen.  I've had bronchitis for a month, I've slept sitting up for over month so that I can breath, I had to undergo a stress test because of an abnormal EKG, I've been told that if I don't lose weight I will be on the needle as my doctor put it, and I've just felt absent minded. 

I had to cancel my last therapy appointment because I was just too sick to go and I wish that I would have went anyway.  The last therapy session I vowed to keep a daily journal of calories I was consuming, minutes of exercise I was doing, amount of water I was taking in, and my daily pill compliance.  I was also going to keep track of my moods on this track.  The whole idea was for me to take this chart to my therapist so she could look at it and help to keep me on track.  Tomorrow is Monday and I want to start fresh and get back on the bus.  I'm scared that if I don't find my way back to the bus now I may never find my way.

"What I've Been Up To"

It's been five months since I've talked about myself and a lot has happened.  I finally got medical insurance through medicaid and was able to stop going to the free clinic.  I now have  a primary care doctor and he's gotten me physical therapy for shoulder pain I developed in late May.  He also got me an appointment to see an Ophthalmologist to check my eyes since I'm diabetic.  Last week he had me go through a Chemical Stress Test because of an abnormal EKG my psychiatrist ordered.  It's nice to be getting the care I need.  Since last May I've gained over thirty pounds and my diabetes is out of control and my doctor is probably going to put me on shots.  While I'm not looking forward to that I know it's at the point where I don't have a choice.

I'm still at the same facility getting treatment for my Bipolar Disorder 1.  I'm still in therapy going every two weeks and with the same therapist.  Some weeks I feel like I don't need it and other weeks I feel like I do need it.  I was seeing a nurse practitioner  up until she left at the beginning of this year.  I then saw three different psychiatrists over the next six months.  I've been seeing my current psychiatrist since June and like him.  He was a family doctor before going in to psychiatry and he is also a D.O.  not an M.D.  He seems to have a lot of knowledge and has taken me off a lot of medications and said the goal is to get me  on the least amount as needed.  Right now I'm going to do what I need to do and ask a lot of questions.  My bipolar the last four months has been up and down like it was before that.  I still have really bad days where I want to yell at everyone and take down the walls.  Other days I hit both ends of the spectrum at the same time.  Then I have some days where I guess I'm just normal. 

In July I lost my uncle to cancer which he bravely fought for almost a year.  It's hard for me to really talk to anyone about him.  Over the last few years we had become friends and I had really come to respect him.  I would just stop over in the mornings and we would have coffee and talk.  When I told him that I had Bipolar Disorder he told me that if I needed anything he would be there for me.  There's only one other person that's said that to me and that's my father.  If I had one wish it would be to spend one day each with my uncle and dad.

Well,  I know I'm probably leaving something out but that's the cool thing about having a blog.  I can just write another post about it.  It just so happens that I can think of something I left out and will have to talk about.  For now, I'm going to sign off....Take Care!

"I'm Back!"

I had to take a break from doing this blog. There was a lot going on but I felt like I had nothing to say and I didn't want to just put nonsense here. I want my experience with Bipolar to be truthful in the hopes that maybe I can help someone else in their struggles. I feel good to be back writing again as I think it helps me to be more rounded of a person. There are a few changes to the blog that I want to get out of the way and the first one is that there won't be a day number to go along with every post. I survived through the first year and now I just want to write what I want and not feel like I have to give a day by day account of everything happening in my life which is the main reason I had to take a break this past May. Finally, I will only be posting a few times a week for the most part with occasional weeks where I may post everyday. I want the blog to be more relaxed but remain meaningful and I hope it is enjoyable to everyone that visit.

Day 342 "Been A Mixed Two Weeks"

I haven't posted anything in two weeks and hardly been on the computer. I just haven't felt all that good and haven't wanted to do anything. I still have a bunch of spring clean up to do outside and just can't get myself motivated. First off I've had to spend the last two weeks taking and picking up my sister to work because she had knee surgery and can't drive. In addition to that I pick my nephew up from school everyday and babysit him till one pick up his mother or his Dad gets home. I drive about 300 miles a week and I really don't want to be driving either. In the last month I also developed a problem with my shoulder where if I extend it up to reach for something or try to reach behind me it starts to get this burning feeling. I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks and need to get that addressed. Anyway, I just don't feel like doing anything and it hurts. Some days I don't feel like a normal person and look forward to the day when I can feel a sense of normalcy in my life.

Day 328 "Another Mixed Week"

Today my mood has been all over the place, one minute I'm doing OK and in an instant I'm angry. I haven't had any energy and have wanted to sleep a lot. However, I've done a lot of running this week because my sister is unable to drive because she had knee surgery. So I've had to pick up my nephew from school everyday and babysit him 15 hours a week as well as pick my sister up from work three nights a week. All of it has me just about angry. I know I shouldn't be angry but I can't help it. I just want to feel normal and have a stable week.

Day 321 "The Last Few Days"

Today I have had a mild headache and have felt tired all day. I've actually felt like that the couple of days. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist whom I liked and he changed my medications. For the last couple of months I've been taking Lithium and Klonopin. The Lithium seems to keep me manic free and the Klonopin I could use a little more since I've been on it almost a year. Well, he left my Lithium alone, lowered my Klonopin to 2mg/day from 3mg without any kind of taper, added Buspar for anxiety, Prozac for my OCD, and Trazodone to help me sleep. First off I've done a lot of reading on benzodiazepines and everything I've read says you should taper down if trying to quit the drug or changing to a smaller dose. Secondly, I've read a lot of negative things about the Buspar. I've read that some people have weight gain with it and a lot of other people feel groggy with it. Well, I already feel groggy enough with the Trazodone that I feel I don't need to feel any more groggy. I have to be able to drive a car everyday and if I feel doped up I won't be able to. I just cant understand why I have so many issues with all these medications. If I'm not having a side effect I'm reading about them and it scares the heck out of me. Am I just nuts because I feel like it some days. All I know is that I want to do the right thing and get the correct treatment so that I can move on with my life.