"What I've Been Up To"

It's been five months since I've talked about myself and a lot has happened.  I finally got medical insurance through medicaid and was able to stop going to the free clinic.  I now have  a primary care doctor and he's gotten me physical therapy for shoulder pain I developed in late May.  He also got me an appointment to see an Ophthalmologist to check my eyes since I'm diabetic.  Last week he had me go through a Chemical Stress Test because of an abnormal EKG my psychiatrist ordered.  It's nice to be getting the care I need.  Since last May I've gained over thirty pounds and my diabetes is out of control and my doctor is probably going to put me on shots.  While I'm not looking forward to that I know it's at the point where I don't have a choice.

I'm still at the same facility getting treatment for my Bipolar Disorder 1.  I'm still in therapy going every two weeks and with the same therapist.  Some weeks I feel like I don't need it and other weeks I feel like I do need it.  I was seeing a nurse practitioner  up until she left at the beginning of this year.  I then saw three different psychiatrists over the next six months.  I've been seeing my current psychiatrist since June and like him.  He was a family doctor before going in to psychiatry and he is also a D.O.  not an M.D.  He seems to have a lot of knowledge and has taken me off a lot of medications and said the goal is to get me  on the least amount as needed.  Right now I'm going to do what I need to do and ask a lot of questions.  My bipolar the last four months has been up and down like it was before that.  I still have really bad days where I want to yell at everyone and take down the walls.  Other days I hit both ends of the spectrum at the same time.  Then I have some days where I guess I'm just normal. 

In July I lost my uncle to cancer which he bravely fought for almost a year.  It's hard for me to really talk to anyone about him.  Over the last few years we had become friends and I had really come to respect him.  I would just stop over in the mornings and we would have coffee and talk.  When I told him that I had Bipolar Disorder he told me that if I needed anything he would be there for me.  There's only one other person that's said that to me and that's my father.  If I had one wish it would be to spend one day each with my uncle and dad.

Well,  I know I'm probably leaving something out but that's the cool thing about having a blog.  I can just write another post about it.  It just so happens that I can think of something I left out and will have to talk about.  For now, I'm going to sign off....Take Care!

"I'm Back!"

I had to take a break from doing this blog. There was a lot going on but I felt like I had nothing to say and I didn't want to just put nonsense here. I want my experience with Bipolar to be truthful in the hopes that maybe I can help someone else in their struggles. I feel good to be back writing again as I think it helps me to be more rounded of a person. There are a few changes to the blog that I want to get out of the way and the first one is that there won't be a day number to go along with every post. I survived through the first year and now I just want to write what I want and not feel like I have to give a day by day account of everything happening in my life which is the main reason I had to take a break this past May. Finally, I will only be posting a few times a week for the most part with occasional weeks where I may post everyday. I want the blog to be more relaxed but remain meaningful and I hope it is enjoyable to everyone that visit.

Day 342 "Been A Mixed Two Weeks"

I haven't posted anything in two weeks and hardly been on the computer. I just haven't felt all that good and haven't wanted to do anything. I still have a bunch of spring clean up to do outside and just can't get myself motivated. First off I've had to spend the last two weeks taking and picking up my sister to work because she had knee surgery and can't drive. In addition to that I pick my nephew up from school everyday and babysit him till one pick up his mother or his Dad gets home. I drive about 300 miles a week and I really don't want to be driving either. In the last month I also developed a problem with my shoulder where if I extend it up to reach for something or try to reach behind me it starts to get this burning feeling. I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks and need to get that addressed. Anyway, I just don't feel like doing anything and it hurts. Some days I don't feel like a normal person and look forward to the day when I can feel a sense of normalcy in my life.

Day 328 "Another Mixed Week"

Today my mood has been all over the place, one minute I'm doing OK and in an instant I'm angry. I haven't had any energy and have wanted to sleep a lot. However, I've done a lot of running this week because my sister is unable to drive because she had knee surgery. So I've had to pick up my nephew from school everyday and babysit him 15 hours a week as well as pick my sister up from work three nights a week. All of it has me just about angry. I know I shouldn't be angry but I can't help it. I just want to feel normal and have a stable week.

Day 321 "The Last Few Days"

Today I have had a mild headache and have felt tired all day. I've actually felt like that the couple of days. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist whom I liked and he changed my medications. For the last couple of months I've been taking Lithium and Klonopin. The Lithium seems to keep me manic free and the Klonopin I could use a little more since I've been on it almost a year. Well, he left my Lithium alone, lowered my Klonopin to 2mg/day from 3mg without any kind of taper, added Buspar for anxiety, Prozac for my OCD, and Trazodone to help me sleep. First off I've done a lot of reading on benzodiazepines and everything I've read says you should taper down if trying to quit the drug or changing to a smaller dose. Secondly, I've read a lot of negative things about the Buspar. I've read that some people have weight gain with it and a lot of other people feel groggy with it. Well, I already feel groggy enough with the Trazodone that I feel I don't need to feel any more groggy. I have to be able to drive a car everyday and if I feel doped up I won't be able to. I just cant understand why I have so many issues with all these medications. If I'm not having a side effect I'm reading about them and it scares the heck out of me. Am I just nuts because I feel like it some days. All I know is that I want to do the right thing and get the correct treatment so that I can move on with my life.

Day 316 "Drinking Some Booze Today"

Today I was supposed to get my Lithium level checked for about the twentieth time and I shut my alarm off and went back to bed. I've had the prescription for close to two months and I just can't do it. I have so much running I have to do for other people that I'm just so tired and want to sleep. I want to do more for myself but I feel so drained. I'm scheduled to see the psychiatrist this week and I'm hoping he can get me on an antidepressant that will make me feel and function better. I'm sure he's not going to be happy about me not getting Lithium level done yet but hopefully he can help me get myself back on track. Today I've drank a little bit and while I probably shouldn't have it made me feel like I was normal. The tense feelings and anxiety all have went away. Wish me luck with the psychiatrist everybody. I need something food to happen for myself.

Day 312 "The Same Old Song And Dance"

Today and the last few days have all been similar for me. I have wanted to stay in and feel tired. I got a call from my doctor the other day and was told my thyroid was still elevated as he put it. I did some reading and don't quite understand it but it seems that an out of whack thyroid can cause fatigue. I just know that as soon as I started taking lithium my thyroid became a problem and it's been almost a year and it's still not right. I'm just sick of everything being out of whack with myself and it depresses me something terrible in addition to everything else. I was taken off another antipsychotic here a month ago because of the side effects I was having. It seems I have a low tolerance to a lot of drugs. The worst side effect I have to the antipsychotics seems to be weight gain which sends me over the edge. I'm already over weight and then they want me to take a drug that's going to cause me to gain more weight. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and he's going to try and put me on another antipsychotic drug for depression and I'm just afraid at what it's going to do to me. I'm just going to do my best to not get excited and remain optimistic that everything will work out.