Day 174 "Trying To Enjoy My Day Off"

Last night I slept OK and woke up a few times to use the bathroom.  I woke up this morning at around 8 which is the normal time I get up on a daily basis.  I was kind of upset because today was a the day I was going to sleep in and do what I wanted to do.  I guess my body had a different plan for me.  So I got up and took my Mom to breakfast which is something we haven't done in a long time.

My mood was both up and down today.  I had to mulch the leaves in the yard because they were getting out of control.  I worked in the yard today on and off for close to seven hours.  It was nice to be alone but I was also upset that I had no help and kept having to stop.  I get overwhelmed and there's something that goes off in my brain and I just have to stop.  When this happens all I can do is stare at what needs to be done and wonder how I'm going to do it.  I pushed myself today to do everything my Mom needed me to do and I was able to finally come in after dark. 

I feel like I'm complaining and it's making me feel like a loser.  Yesterday I was consumed with my aunt and uncle and today I was consumed with my Mom and her needs.  Nobody is ever concerned about my needs and what I need.  I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty different directions and I dislike it.  All these people know about my illness and and say they understand.  If they understood they would see that I'm getting burnt out fast.  I feel like I'm heading for a crash and when that happens I usually just walk away from whatever I was doing or whoever I was helping.

Day 172 "Trying To Figure Out How To Get Some Personal Time"

Last night I went to bed and slept for almost ten hours after getting home from the hospital.  I hit the pillow and was out.  When I woke up this morning I was still exhausted and could have easily went back to bed.  I was in my uncle's hospital room for over six hours today and couldn't keep my eyes open.  The good thing is that he was discharged today and got to go home.

My mood today has been down and depressed.  I feel like I have no time for myself to take care of my own needs.  My uncle had a feeding tube put in and my aunt is basically crippled and can't remember anything.  My uncle has a pretty bad short term memory.  He can remember things that happened thirty years ago but easily forgets things you've just told him.  My cousin who is an only child is always at work and even if she were more available I think the feeding tube would gross her out especially if the tube leaked or if any liquid were to come out of his stomach through the tube.  I only say this this because she gets grossed out if one of her animals throws up even if its just liquids.  As a result I feel like its just me and that's just the way its going to be.

I need some time off from my uncle and I also need time off from my Mom and sister.  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions.  I guess it would be different if I was getting something for it.  Nobody pays me for anything I do.  It's just kind of expected that since I'm not working that I'm going to just be there for everyone.  Don't get me wrong, I love all these people and want to help as much as I can but I just keep doing and get nothing in return.  This weekend my cousin has off and I'm going to try and stay away so that I can get a little time to myself.  I will let everyone know how that goes for me.  Maybe I can have a depression free day or two.

Day 171 "Just Tired Today"

Last night I got home from dropping my aunt off at her house and I was exhausted.  I thought I could stay up a while and look at some email but I was mistaken.  I laid on my bed with the intention of only being there for a few minutes and the next thing I new it was 3 in the morning.  I then got up and got on my bed clothes and slept until 9 this morning.  I slept a total of ten hours.  The worst part is that all day I've felt like I could go back to bed and feel like I'm dragging.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for me to accomplish all the things I need to do.  However, this next week I have a personal goal to take a little time for myself and do a better job at caring for myself.  I've been doing a great job of making sure everyone gets what they need but neglecting my own needs.

My mood today has been both good and bad.  As I've stated before I cycle back and forth between highs and lows more now than ever.  Today I started out pretty happy with no major complications
and was OK till it was time to go and pick up my nephew.  I love him to death and it isn't his fault but I just got really angry and depressed.  I started cussing and saying things that were inappropriate.  I'm glad I was alone because I wouldn't want my nephew to hear the things that came out of my mouth.

Anyway, today was not another good day for me but I'm going to cope the best I can and try to get by the best I can. 

Day 170 "Need Some Time Off"

I didn't make a post yesterday.  I was so tired after spending the entire day at the hospital again that when I got home I hit the pillow and was out like a light.  My body was just spent and I let it do what it wanted.

Last night I slept fairly good and only woke up twice and that was to use the bathroom.  I woke up to the most amazing looking snowfall that occurred overnight.  There is still a lot of leaves on the ground and the wet snow looked really pretty up against all the colors still in the trees.  For a minute I was able to forget about all the troubles I've been having and focus on the beauty right in front of my eyes.

My mood today has been both up and down which seems to be pretty regular for me.  I'm upset and a little overwhelmed that I have so much on my plate.  I'm not able to take care of my needs and I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me in a bad way which is the last thing I want to happen.  I need some time to myself for a while and would so much like to just get away for a week.  I just need some time where I don't  have to answer to anyone and can just relax.

I've been compliant with all my medications but have one I'm having some trouble with.  I take 60mg of Latuda and it's causing me some vision trouble.  It makes my vision a little blurry and sometimes It's worse than other times.  The problem with that is I drive a lot and I'm afraid of getting in an accident.  I was going to just stop taking it but I thought I would stick it out a month.  I feel like none of the anti-psychotics are working and that maybe I should just suck it up without them.  It's been almost six months now and I still can't get one to work.  I'm just going to try and remain optimistic that something will eventually work.  

Day 168 "Yet Another Day At The Hospital"

Last night I went to bed really late and didn’t sleep well at all. I kept watching the clock and finally fell asleep around 5 this morning. Around 8 this morning I woke up again with a charlie horse in my left calf. It took me five minutes to get out of bed and stretch the cramp out. It has been almost eight hours since then and I can still feel it.  

My mood today has been up and down and I am kind of upset about it. I’ve been at the hospital everyday at least eight hours since my uncle was admitted and my aunt just informed me that she wants to be up here tomorrow at 8 in the morning and will want to stay till visiting hours are over at 8 pm. I don’t mind helping my family out at all but I was kind of looking forward to a day off. My medications make me really tired and I’ve been going everyday. Then to boot on Tuesday I have to start doing my regular weekly running for my sister in addition to running my aunt around.

I just need a break from everything and everyone for a few days. It would be nice to be able to shut the cell phone off and enjoy a cup of coffee without the worries that I might be missing something. It would be nice to spend some time with a friend going to a flea market or shopping. I’m just so depressed of not having a life and dealing with everyone else’s problems. I want some time to myself and people to pamper me a little bit.

Day 167 "Another Day At The Hospital"

Last night I slept pretty well getting about nine hours of sleep. I did wake up several times to use the bathroom but easily went back to sleep with no problems. Today, my mood started out as very irritable and I wanted to tell everyone off. After a few hours my mood stabilized and the anger went away. I have some days when I’m angry all day and others where my anger happens sporadically.

Today I’ve spent another day at the hospital because of having to get my aunt back and forth. My uncle has been there for over a week and has missed his last two radiation appointments and a chemotherapy appointment. The radiation oncologist said that the last two treatments would probably be cancelled. The radiation was supposed to shrink my uncle’s tumor but it hasn’t seemed to help. He still has a hard time keeping food and water down. His oncologist thought that it may just be pain from the radiation that is causing him distress and ordered a pain medication to be administered before he eats that hasn’t seemed to help either. He basically eats or drinks nothing and is starving to death.

The oncologist said the tumor would eventually win and I think my uncle knows this. I feel like he knows his time is about up and that he just wants to die. I feel like the fight is just about gone in him and that he would rather die than keep going through all this pain. I’m at peace if he wants to die; I just hope he passes comfortably and quickly.

Day 166 "Update On Me And Blog"

Well, since going to only posting three days a week I haven’t had too much to say about myself. At first I thought this was a good thing thinking that maybe I was stabilizing but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bad thing. It’s me heading in to a mixed episode.  
I’ll start out with my Uncle who has esophageal cancer. He hasn’t been able to swallow anything and when he tries to swallow he ends up throwing up because he says it feels like his esophagus is filling up. In any event, he’s become very weak because of lack of nutrition and fell in the shower last week. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted. His heart rate was extremely high and he had to see a cardiologist who was able to reduce it with medications. He was supposed to have his last two radiation and chemotherapy treatments this week but they were postponed until his heart is totally stable. The bottom line is that he has to eat or his organs are going to stop functioning properly. His oncologist wants him to have a feeding tube put in but my uncle refuses and says when it’s his time to go that will be it.

As a result, I have been doing a lot of running the last week and while it doesn’t bother me I’m extremely tired and not eating right myself. I’ve also been very irritable, sleeping a lot, and figuring ways up in my head how to get out of all this running. This week, I’ve ran my aunt back and forth to the hospital everyday and sat with her, taken my cousin back and forth to work a couple of times, picked up my nephew from school twice, and picked up my Mom from my sister’s house after dropping my aunt off the other night. I’m not trying to complain and love all of my family a lot but the medication I’m on makes it hard for me to function positively for long periods of time. I also get tired a lot easier and need more sleep now. I have found myself feeling angry and resentful at times and then at times I feel a lot of compassion and love. It’s just a much bigger struggle for me to balance everything now than it was a few years ago. I’m not saying I can’t or don’t want to help but I sure am learning my limitations.

From here on out I’m going to go back to posting something everyday. I thought I could make the blog less boring and more interesting if I cut down on the number of posts and wrote more about subjects rather than myself. Well, I’m the subject of this blog and this is my space to talk about my ups and downs and me. Some days may seem boring but that’s life and I need to focus and write about mine.