Day 167 "Another Day At The Hospital"

Last night I slept pretty well getting about nine hours of sleep. I did wake up several times to use the bathroom but easily went back to sleep with no problems. Today, my mood started out as very irritable and I wanted to tell everyone off. After a few hours my mood stabilized and the anger went away. I have some days when I’m angry all day and others where my anger happens sporadically.

Today I’ve spent another day at the hospital because of having to get my aunt back and forth. My uncle has been there for over a week and has missed his last two radiation appointments and a chemotherapy appointment. The radiation oncologist said that the last two treatments would probably be cancelled. The radiation was supposed to shrink my uncle’s tumor but it hasn’t seemed to help. He still has a hard time keeping food and water down. His oncologist thought that it may just be pain from the radiation that is causing him distress and ordered a pain medication to be administered before he eats that hasn’t seemed to help either. He basically eats or drinks nothing and is starving to death.

The oncologist said the tumor would eventually win and I think my uncle knows this. I feel like he knows his time is about up and that he just wants to die. I feel like the fight is just about gone in him and that he would rather die than keep going through all this pain. I’m at peace if he wants to die; I just hope he passes comfortably and quickly.

Day 166 "Update On Me And Blog"

Well, since going to only posting three days a week I haven’t had too much to say about myself. At first I thought this was a good thing thinking that maybe I was stabilizing but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bad thing. It’s me heading in to a mixed episode.  
I’ll start out with my Uncle who has esophageal cancer. He hasn’t been able to swallow anything and when he tries to swallow he ends up throwing up because he says it feels like his esophagus is filling up. In any event, he’s become very weak because of lack of nutrition and fell in the shower last week. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted. His heart rate was extremely high and he had to see a cardiologist who was able to reduce it with medications. He was supposed to have his last two radiation and chemotherapy treatments this week but they were postponed until his heart is totally stable. The bottom line is that he has to eat or his organs are going to stop functioning properly. His oncologist wants him to have a feeding tube put in but my uncle refuses and says when it’s his time to go that will be it.

As a result, I have been doing a lot of running the last week and while it doesn’t bother me I’m extremely tired and not eating right myself. I’ve also been very irritable, sleeping a lot, and figuring ways up in my head how to get out of all this running. This week, I’ve ran my aunt back and forth to the hospital everyday and sat with her, taken my cousin back and forth to work a couple of times, picked up my nephew from school twice, and picked up my Mom from my sister’s house after dropping my aunt off the other night. I’m not trying to complain and love all of my family a lot but the medication I’m on makes it hard for me to function positively for long periods of time. I also get tired a lot easier and need more sleep now. I have found myself feeling angry and resentful at times and then at times I feel a lot of compassion and love. It’s just a much bigger struggle for me to balance everything now than it was a few years ago. I’m not saying I can’t or don’t want to help but I sure am learning my limitations.

From here on out I’m going to go back to posting something everyday. I thought I could make the blog less boring and more interesting if I cut down on the number of posts and wrote more about subjects rather than myself. Well, I’m the subject of this blog and this is my space to talk about my ups and downs and me. Some days may seem boring but that’s life and I need to focus and write about mine.

Day 160, "If Good Support Could Talk: Treatment Support & Resources"

Imagine that the BEST support or resource you received for your bipolar Treatment (medication, drugs, counseling, etc.) could talk…. what would it say? You can use the Mad Libs-type of structure below or your own, but please write your post in the voice of the support or resource. It can talk, remember 

• My name is [insert specific support/resource]
• and I was discovered [insert how/where/from whom support/resource was found]
• by my friend (you!) to help him/her [insert challenge you faced].
• Before my friend discovered me, he/she felt [insert your emotions]
• and hoped I could [insert expectation of support/resource]
• I provided my friend with [insert type of support/resource given] and [insert other type of support/resource given]
• My friend was happy with me because I [insert why support/resource was so great] and [insert other why support/resource was so great].
• They especially liked [insert best part about the support/resource]
• After receiving my support/resource, my friend [insert outcome/feeling/success].

My name is Community Services

and I was discovered through the county mental health board website

by my friend Jrock to help him manage his bipolar disorder.

Before Jrock found me he had just about given up the fight, was very withdrawn...distant

and hoped I could help Jrock take back his life and manage his bipolar.

I provided my friend with the counseling and medication he would need to fight his illness and become in control of his life.

My friend was happy with me because he was feeling more stable and beginning to feel there was hope for his future.

He especially liked that he was starting to feel motivated again.

After receiving my support Jrock is starting to become more balanced and successfully managing his bipolar.

 

Jrock had never had counseling up until this point. He basically made a lot mistakes and beat himself up over them. When he started counseling he was very distant and withdrawn. He had a hard time opening up to me at first so I encouraged him to write everyday about what he did and how he handled things. After the first few weeks of journaling Jrock began to see and understand how being bipolar had affected him. Up until this point Jrock had a hard time admitting to himself that he could be bipolar. Jrock continued his journaling and we came up with a daily tracker that he used to record his mood, anxiety, mania, and anger. I would look through his mood tracker and we would discuss and come up with coping strategies Jrock could use if he felt like he was slipping in an area. For example, I worked with Jrock on deep breathing exercises he could use as a coping mechanism when he felt anger. The idea was that if he felt himself becoming angry he was to go to a quiet place and do some deep breathing to calm down and think about why he was getting angry. 

 

Jrock also suffered from bulimia and a coping strategy we came up for that was that if after he ate he felt like had to purge he was supposed to go outside and take a brisk walk. The idea was to get him away from the negative situation and get him doing something positive which was walking off the food instead of purging it. Jrock had a few setbacks over the course of me counseling him but discovered that instead of beating himself up over them he should face the setback, deal with it, and move on with what he was doing. After about a year of counseling Jrock had become much more confident in his abilities, had gotten a new job, accepted his bipolar, and was taking his medication as prescribed. Jrock was smiling and seemed to be excited about life which was a complete turnaround. However, Jrock stopped coming to his sessions and we never heard from him again until three and a half years later. 

It seems that Jrock’s complete turnaround drove him into a manic episode in which he abused drugs, drank a lot, spent way too much money, was promiscuous and began to not perform well at his job. I heard that he crashed after a few months into a deep depression, quit his job and had become very withdrawn and distant again. He told the intake specialist that he has had two more manic episodes in which he's been promiscuous, used drugs, and not slept for days on end. Jrock told the intake specialist that he's at the end of his rope and realizes he made a major mistake by ending his treatment three years ago. He said that he wants to pick up where he left off and get his life back in order. I can't wait to see Jrock again and provide him with the counseling and medication he needs to fight his bipolar with.

 

Day 157 "Dear Diary: I Needed Support When . . ."

It's pretty simple for me Before, During, and After my last treatment change for bipolar. The kind of support of I've ALWAYS needed was from my family and that's been something that I've never received when it comes to my being bipolar. I'm a very private person and telling my friends and confiding in them was and is something I don't do a lot.

Where I have ALWAYS gone for support was the internet. It's not the best place to go because there's nothing like being able to have the support from someone face to face. There's an intimacy there that can't be replaced. For me, I have found a couple of online communities where I could interact with other people about my illness and gain valuable information. These communities I was involved with dealt with more than bipolar which made me have to search out what I needed which ultimately made me bored and I would end up not sticking it out.

This site I’m currently involved in has been the best online community that I've come across to date and has offered me the most in terms of support than any other online place I've been. There's a lot of information that I can go online and find that deals with bipolar but this site is a simple bipolar community where we all just interact and learn from one another. 

Dear Diary, I needed the support of my family from day one but that never happened and I've finally found a community where I can get that support and as a result I'm dealing a little bit better.

Day 155 "Rules To Live By"

Growing up you learn to live by your parents’ rules. Then when you’re on your own you start living by society’s rules. But at some point, you start living by your own rules! What are my top three rules to live by? What makes these rules so important? Are these the kinds of rules everyone should follow?

1. Be honest with yourself and everyone you deal with!
2. Finish what you start!
3. Be thankful for what you have!

These rules are important to me because I want to lead a better life. Ten years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want. As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions that impacted my life in a negative way. It's taken me a lot of years to come up with these rules for my life but since I have, my life has been going in a better direction.  

Things are making more sense to me now than ever before. I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight that motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life. I think my top three rules are basic rules that everyone should follow but we are all different and have different needs so what's good for me may not be good for someone else!

I think it's important for everyone to have rules that guide their lives. What matters most is that they work for you:-)  Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another. It basically comes down to what's most important to you when establishing your own set.

Day 150 "As Good As It Gets"

So, what is “normal”? Am I at the point of “As Good As It Gets”? How do I know?

There are certainly many different ways to define "normal". I think what is normal can change constantly because of our situations and what we're going through at the moment. Also, how one person reacts to something can be very different from another person, yet it still is normal in both situations. What I considered normal at a clearer time in my life can be very different for me from day to day now. The funny thing is I ask myself, "What is normal anyway?" Is it normal to just be how you are regardless of what you're going through at the time?

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of depression and anxiety but did a lot of things with my friends and family. As I grew into my thirties I still went out with my friends and did things but as I progressed through my thirties I wanted more alone time as my level of anxiety increased. Now going into my forties I want more "me time" and "alone time"! I still have a desire to do things but it's less of doing things in the moment and more of doing activities that are planned out and meaningful which I guess goes along with how I deal and cope with my bipolar which is to plan and organize my life so I can stay ahead of the game.

I want to be alone a lot because I don't want my negativity and depression to rub off on anyone else or bring anyone down. However, one thing I do now is to force myself to be outside on a daily basis. I plan all my days out ahead of time and in that plan during the warmer months I schedule myself to be outside walking/hiking at least twice a week sometimes more. 

I recently found a place to be by myself outdoors where I can hike, walk, bird watch, sit on a bench, take photographs, or just stare at the sky and be mindful with whatever I’m doing. I also like to sit outside at night before I go to bed and be mindful with my surroundings that helps me to sleep better. In the past I was feeling down a lot or having some sort of negativity going on but in the last few months since I have forced myself to be outside and practicing being mindful of my surroundings my mind is less foggy and more relaxed which makes me feel more normal. 

While what I do might not work for you I think you and everyone else that may be struggling should fight to find that one little place or thing that makes you feel normal and just keep at it. They say once you do something over and over for an extended amount of time you form a habit. In my mind if you can find something that makes you feel good for 5 minutes and make it a habit you are only doing yourself good and creating your own normalcy.

Today marks the 150th day since my treatment began and with that said I'm making a couple of changes to the blog. First, postings will now happen three days per week instead of everyday. I feel that if I had more time to work on the posting it could be developed more and be more meaningful. Finally, I want to add more sections to the blog and with the decrease in postings I can spend more time developing other areas. I'm taking a few days off and the new schedule will take off on Monday October 28, 2013. New postings will appear on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. So, until this coming Monday...Take Care!

Day 149 ''Medical Marijuana"

I am sorry if this subject is too controversial for some people.  I myself have personally been wanting to express and get an opinion of others in my shoes for a very long time, and have never found the right platform to do it.  I am 41, and was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago.  I have in the past turned to alcohol to self medicate, which in turn led me to terrible decision making and more misery.

I realized about 14 years ago that marijuana has a completly different and calming effect on me.  Gone is the irrational thoughts, craziness, and urges that usually get me in trouble.  I find myself much more engaged.  Something I have also noticed is when using small amounts of marijuana daily I have become much more calm and am able to enjoy the little things in life more. 

There are two strains of marijuana and each have different effects.  The strains are Sativa and Indica that is probably more suitable for bipolar disorder.  The Indica strain produces less anxiety and generally it’s more relaxing.  You will not have hallucinations with this strain but you will probably eat more and it’s good for nausea.  Someone with some experience can achieve more medical benefits with the Indica strain.  You'll sleep better, you'll feel more relaxed, but you might get more of that "couch lock" feeling where you are glued to your chair staring at the TV.
Because the word is so polarizing to people socially in regard to marijuana it has to almost be your own dirty little secret, because people think your just advocating drug use, when that couldn’t be furthest from the truth.  Many just refer to you as a "drug addict" so it is something I have had to mostly keep to myself.  It is the one thing that I’ve found that I can use in the same manner as taking a pill every day. 

I haven't smoke marijuana in 16 months but smoked two to three times a day for over 15 years.  I've never had horrible side effects from smoking and have never viewed marijuana as a gateway drug.  I feel like the "dealer" is the gateway because when they don't have marijuana they always have something else to offer.  The people I know that have bad side effects with marijuana are usually drinking as well.  It’s not good to drink with marijuana just as it isn’t good to drink with any medication.

My dream is that it becomes decriminalized and legal in my state because if it's easy to get there's no need for a substitute.  Marijuana always helped me to unwind and feel a sense of normalcy from racing thoughts and rapid cycling.

Everyone is intitled to their opinion and marijuana doesn't work for everybody, which I respect, but what about the people that it benefits?