Day 150 "As Good As It Gets"

So, what is “normal”? Am I at the point of “As Good As It Gets”? How do I know?

There are certainly many different ways to define "normal". I think what is normal can change constantly because of our situations and what we're going through at the moment. Also, how one person reacts to something can be very different from another person, yet it still is normal in both situations. What I considered normal at a clearer time in my life can be very different for me from day to day now. The funny thing is I ask myself, "What is normal anyway?" Is it normal to just be how you are regardless of what you're going through at the time?

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of depression and anxiety but did a lot of things with my friends and family. As I grew into my thirties I still went out with my friends and did things but as I progressed through my thirties I wanted more alone time as my level of anxiety increased. Now going into my forties I want more "me time" and "alone time"! I still have a desire to do things but it's less of doing things in the moment and more of doing activities that are planned out and meaningful which I guess goes along with how I deal and cope with my bipolar which is to plan and organize my life so I can stay ahead of the game.

I want to be alone a lot because I don't want my negativity and depression to rub off on anyone else or bring anyone down. However, one thing I do now is to force myself to be outside on a daily basis. I plan all my days out ahead of time and in that plan during the warmer months I schedule myself to be outside walking/hiking at least twice a week sometimes more. 

I recently found a place to be by myself outdoors where I can hike, walk, bird watch, sit on a bench, take photographs, or just stare at the sky and be mindful with whatever I’m doing. I also like to sit outside at night before I go to bed and be mindful with my surroundings that helps me to sleep better. In the past I was feeling down a lot or having some sort of negativity going on but in the last few months since I have forced myself to be outside and practicing being mindful of my surroundings my mind is less foggy and more relaxed which makes me feel more normal. 

While what I do might not work for you I think you and everyone else that may be struggling should fight to find that one little place or thing that makes you feel normal and just keep at it. They say once you do something over and over for an extended amount of time you form a habit. In my mind if you can find something that makes you feel good for 5 minutes and make it a habit you are only doing yourself good and creating your own normalcy.

Today marks the 150th day since my treatment began and with that said I'm making a couple of changes to the blog. First, postings will now happen three days per week instead of everyday. I feel that if I had more time to work on the posting it could be developed more and be more meaningful. Finally, I want to add more sections to the blog and with the decrease in postings I can spend more time developing other areas. I'm taking a few days off and the new schedule will take off on Monday October 28, 2013. New postings will appear on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. So, until this coming Monday...Take Care!

Day 149 ''Medical Marijuana"

I am sorry if this subject is too controversial for some people.  I myself have personally been wanting to express and get an opinion of others in my shoes for a very long time, and have never found the right platform to do it.  I am 41, and was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago.  I have in the past turned to alcohol to self medicate, which in turn led me to terrible decision making and more misery.

I realized about 14 years ago that marijuana has a completly different and calming effect on me.  Gone is the irrational thoughts, craziness, and urges that usually get me in trouble.  I find myself much more engaged.  Something I have also noticed is when using small amounts of marijuana daily I have become much more calm and am able to enjoy the little things in life more. 

There are two strains of marijuana and each have different effects.  The strains are Sativa and Indica that is probably more suitable for bipolar disorder.  The Indica strain produces less anxiety and generally it’s more relaxing.  You will not have hallucinations with this strain but you will probably eat more and it’s good for nausea.  Someone with some experience can achieve more medical benefits with the Indica strain.  You'll sleep better, you'll feel more relaxed, but you might get more of that "couch lock" feeling where you are glued to your chair staring at the TV.
Because the word is so polarizing to people socially in regard to marijuana it has to almost be your own dirty little secret, because people think your just advocating drug use, when that couldn’t be furthest from the truth.  Many just refer to you as a "drug addict" so it is something I have had to mostly keep to myself.  It is the one thing that I’ve found that I can use in the same manner as taking a pill every day. 

I haven't smoke marijuana in 16 months but smoked two to three times a day for over 15 years.  I've never had horrible side effects from smoking and have never viewed marijuana as a gateway drug.  I feel like the "dealer" is the gateway because when they don't have marijuana they always have something else to offer.  The people I know that have bad side effects with marijuana are usually drinking as well.  It’s not good to drink with marijuana just as it isn’t good to drink with any medication.

My dream is that it becomes decriminalized and legal in my state because if it's easy to get there's no need for a substitute.  Marijuana always helped me to unwind and feel a sense of normalcy from racing thoughts and rapid cycling.

Everyone is intitled to their opinion and marijuana doesn't work for everybody, which I respect, but what about the people that it benefits?

Day 148 " Feeling Miserable"

Today has been one of those days you just want to end.  I was up almost all night coughing and sneezing.  Every time I thought I was over it and would lay down it would all just start over again.  Needless to say I've been tired all day and all I want to do is sleep.

My mood has been unusually good and stable today considering I feel like a train wreck.  My sister and her kids were at the house today and her kids were just rotten.   They tore the house up and had both my Mom and sister nuts.  However I remained calm and didn't let any of it effect me.

I hope I can sleep better tonight but I'm not going to hold my breath.  I have a lab in the morning to check my current Lithium level and also check my A1C number as well as my fasting blood sugar number.  I have to be at the hospital around 8 in the morning and if tonight is anything like last night I'll be up at 2 in the morning coughing my brains out.  Well that's what's going on in my world and I'm going to sign off and see if I can sleep.

Day 147 "Diet And Being Bipolar, Diabetic, And Having High Blood Pressure"

I have been on a quest to get healthier the last year by quitting smoking, trying to exercise more, and making changes in my diet.  Before I started my diet changes, I was eating a lot of processed foods high in fat, sodium, and eating little to no vegetables.  People that have bipolar disorder have a greater risk of becoming overweight when taking medications that cause heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure.  I have been doing a lot of reading in an effort to learn more about what I put in my body and have found out that a person who has bipolar can greatly benefit from eating a well balanced diet full of nutrient dense foods.  Examples of nutrient dense foods are fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats, fish, eggs, low fat dairy, whole grains, soy products, and nuts and seeds.

There are also a number of diet precautions that people with bipolar disorder should take when making changes to their diet.  Caffeine use should be kept at low to moderate levels because it can lower the sedative effects of some medications and disrupt sleep.  Eating high fat meals can delay the time it takes for many bipolar medications to take effect.  Sodium intake is something that everyone should watch but people who take lithium need to have higher amounts of sodium to keep the levels of lithium from increasing in their blood.

The above information covers how a person with bipolar disorder and high blood pressure should eat but it doesn’t go as far as how a person diagnosed with diabetes should eat.  In addition people with diabetes are encouraged to eat low-carbohydrate, low fat high fiber foods that contain lower amounts of sugar.  Examples of foods to stay away from are lunch meats, fast food, pastries, basically anything that’s processed.  I’m still learning and have a long way to go.  However much of what I’ve learned is that there has to be balance.

Here is the diet plan I’m following:

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Day 146 "What Year And Time Would You Choose?"

I am a date and time person always able to recall specific events that have happened in my life. I can recall who, what, why, and where which boggles the minds of everyone I know. I’m the one in my family that can remember that Christmas in 1981 where I woke the entire house at 4 A.M. yelling that someone was trying to break in our house and steal all the presents. However, it was just the paperboy leaving our newspaper inside the front door as he usually did. I’m the person that people I know call when they need information about weddings, funerals, school events, past weather conditions, or family members. My Grandma used to tell me that I was a walking encyclopedia.

I’m always recalling different times in my life and recently wondered if I had one whole day which to revisit a specific year and time, what would I choose. The year and time I would most like to revisit for one day is any day in September 1985. There were no cell phones or internet and the most popular computers people had were the Apple 2 and Commodore 64. I was thirteen years old and in the eighth grade during that time. The weather was sunny and warm with very little rain. I had two favorite songs which I listened too over and over again which were “We Built This City” by Starship and “Man In Motion (St. Elmos Fire)” by John Parr. Whenever I hear either of these songs today I’m im mediately taken back to the fall of 1985. It was in September 1985 that my parents finally gave me a house key and permitted me to walk home from school for the first time. September 1985 was a stress free time in my life where I was finally able to feel like I was growing up and starting to think about my future as an adult. I was always kind of depressed as a kid but in the spring of 1986 I had my first major bout with depression which I think was the beginning of me being bipolar.

I was wondering if anyone else had a year and time in their life they would like to revisit for one day if they had the chance.

• What year and time would you like to revisit for one day?
• What do you remember about this specific time?
• What kind of impact did this specific time have on your life?

Day 145 "My Movie Starring..."

First off, my movie would be a comedy in the style of a Family Guy episode.  I come from a good family but growing up my family was less than perfect.  We were not the Brady Bunch and really not Leave It To Beaver.  We were always a little sarcastic with each other and someone was always trying to be funny.  We were like a cross between the families on Roseanne and Family Guy with the only exception being that there were four kids in my family.  My film would be a comedy with serious twist to it and more than likely it would be animated.

Seth MacFarlane would be cast as me.  We are close in age and I really enjoy his brand of comedy. He is witty and serious yet he can be very sarcastic which I feel describes me.  Seth would be the main character telling the story of my life by recalling past events.  I don't really have any other preferences on who plays who.  I just know the type of character I would be looking for.

My Mom would be the martyr in my movie.  She is head of the family who is always right, demands things her way, and is OCD.  She is concerned about what others think of her and has major self esteem issues. 

My Dad's character is hardworking, quiet and passive.  He never takes time off from work because he has to support four kids and a wife.  He has moments where he'll be angry but it's usually because he's pushed to that.

My older brother's character is pompous and arrogant.  He enjoys hearing himself talk and always uses long words and phrases.  He is much older than the other children and very selfish.  He expects his parents to get him whatever he wants and has no regard for there being three other children.

My little brother's character is shy and very withdrawn from the family.  He prefers to be alone and has a very short fuse.  He says what he wants and is labeled as a smart mouth at an early age.

My younger sister's character is the spoiled little girl in the family.  She can do no wrong and gets everything she wants.  She has everyone wrapped around her fingers and just expects everyone to do what she wants.  She acts like a brat when she's not around her parents.

My cousin's character is only ten years younger than my Mom (her Aunt) and is an only child.  She is very outspoken and has a narcissistic personality.  She complains a lot and cries when she doesn't get her way which causes everyone to just always give in to her.  She never had siblings of her own and spent a lot of time with our family her entire life.  However, she is very smart, compassionate, and is my best friend.

The actors (or a character from a movie or TV show) that would play each of the people in the life I've described would be as follows.

Mom would be played by Roseanne Barr.  I like Roseanne and think her wild outlook on life could add a funny twist on my Mom's OCD.

My Dad would be played by Clint Eastwood.  He's got a dry sense of humor much like my Dad does and is soft spoken as well.  In every movie he's in he always seems to get the job done which would be perfect for this role.

My older brother would be played by Tom Cruise.  They are very close in age and have similar looks. I think Tom Cruise would be great at being pompous, arrogant, and self-righteous.  Plus he's kind of a short guy which my older brother isn't and to me that would be funny if my older brother could have little man syndrome.  Of course that would be something that the audience would have to figure out on their own.  My older brother is a very strict Catholic and can be very preachy.

My little brother would be played by Neil Patrick Harris.  They are the same age and I Iike his brand of comedy.  He's a lot taller than my little brother but in my story I want my older brother to be short and my little brother to be tall.  My little brother is a lot like my older brother but is more shy, less outgoing, and with a shorter fuse.  My older brother accepts all people but my little brother lives in a world where he only really accepts those people that are white and strict Baptist.  He is also very preachy about his religious beliefs. I think Neil being openly gay could bring a real funny twist on my younger brother's character.

My sister would be played by Amy Schumer who is a comedienne.  They look very similar and Amy is very sarcastic and has a potty mouth which describes my sister.  I think that Amy would make a great Daddy's girl and would knock my sister's character out of the park.

My cousin's character would be played by Rosie O'Donnell.  My cousin has the same type of demeanor that Rosie has.  They are both outspoken, very loud, like to be the center of attention, and can be unapproachable but also very compassionate and intelligent.  I think that Rosie would be perfect to play my cousin and really make the character come to life.

So if I was going to make a movie of my life with bipolar disorder there is the general outline of what I had to work with.  However, I would want my movie to be funny  as well as serious which is why I chose the actors I chose.   I thin it would be funny to watch a Scientologist play a strict Catholic and for a openly gay man to play the character of my little brother who is very unaccepting of gay people.  If I was a little smarter I probably would move forward with this and try to make something out of it.  Who knows, maybe some day I'll have a real movie out.

Day 144 "Motivation And Inspiration"

Motivation is the drive to accomplish a goal or task.  People are motivated by many different things such as money, power, greed, sex, and compassion to name a few.  Me, I’m motivated by wanting to get my bipolar disorder under control before anything else in my life right now.  To accomplish that there’s a bunch of changes I had to make.  First I had to come to grips with the fact that I will have to take medication for the rest of my life.  Second I had to be honest with myself and open up to a therapist about everything I’ve done in my life both good and bad.  For me this meant writing out a timeline from birth until present day.  It got really hard for me when I was describing my jobs because I basically screwed them all up.  However, to get the proper treatment I had to tell it the way it happened.  Finally, I’ve had to learn that compliance to treatment is the only way to get stable and stay that way.  The way I stay compliant is to keep track of everything on a daily tracker.

 

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Inspiration is the arousal or stimulation of the mind through music, words, pictures, or people.  This is a tough one. I think the biggest inspiration in my life lately is seeing that people do still care about one another and want to help others. Sure there are a lot of people that aren't that way. But I have met people that are going through much tougher times than me and they aren't giving up. That inspires me to face each day with a positive outlook instead of looking at everything in a negative way. I feel inspiration when even just one person goes out of their way for something as simple as holding a door open, someone paying someone else's rent, or helping someone pay for their groceries.  This is what Motivation and Inspiration mean to me!