Day 146 "What Year And Time Would You Choose?"

I am a date and time person always able to recall specific events that have happened in my life. I can recall who, what, why, and where which boggles the minds of everyone I know. I’m the one in my family that can remember that Christmas in 1981 where I woke the entire house at 4 A.M. yelling that someone was trying to break in our house and steal all the presents. However, it was just the paperboy leaving our newspaper inside the front door as he usually did. I’m the person that people I know call when they need information about weddings, funerals, school events, past weather conditions, or family members. My Grandma used to tell me that I was a walking encyclopedia.

I’m always recalling different times in my life and recently wondered if I had one whole day which to revisit a specific year and time, what would I choose. The year and time I would most like to revisit for one day is any day in September 1985. There were no cell phones or internet and the most popular computers people had were the Apple 2 and Commodore 64. I was thirteen years old and in the eighth grade during that time. The weather was sunny and warm with very little rain. I had two favorite songs which I listened too over and over again which were “We Built This City” by Starship and “Man In Motion (St. Elmos Fire)” by John Parr. Whenever I hear either of these songs today I’m im mediately taken back to the fall of 1985. It was in September 1985 that my parents finally gave me a house key and permitted me to walk home from school for the first time. September 1985 was a stress free time in my life where I was finally able to feel like I was growing up and starting to think about my future as an adult. I was always kind of depressed as a kid but in the spring of 1986 I had my first major bout with depression which I think was the beginning of me being bipolar.

I was wondering if anyone else had a year and time in their life they would like to revisit for one day if they had the chance.

• What year and time would you like to revisit for one day?
• What do you remember about this specific time?
• What kind of impact did this specific time have on your life?

Day 145 "My Movie Starring..."

First off, my movie would be a comedy in the style of a Family Guy episode.  I come from a good family but growing up my family was less than perfect.  We were not the Brady Bunch and really not Leave It To Beaver.  We were always a little sarcastic with each other and someone was always trying to be funny.  We were like a cross between the families on Roseanne and Family Guy with the only exception being that there were four kids in my family.  My film would be a comedy with serious twist to it and more than likely it would be animated.

Seth MacFarlane would be cast as me.  We are close in age and I really enjoy his brand of comedy. He is witty and serious yet he can be very sarcastic which I feel describes me.  Seth would be the main character telling the story of my life by recalling past events.  I don't really have any other preferences on who plays who.  I just know the type of character I would be looking for.

My Mom would be the martyr in my movie.  She is head of the family who is always right, demands things her way, and is OCD.  She is concerned about what others think of her and has major self esteem issues. 

My Dad's character is hardworking, quiet and passive.  He never takes time off from work because he has to support four kids and a wife.  He has moments where he'll be angry but it's usually because he's pushed to that.

My older brother's character is pompous and arrogant.  He enjoys hearing himself talk and always uses long words and phrases.  He is much older than the other children and very selfish.  He expects his parents to get him whatever he wants and has no regard for there being three other children.

My little brother's character is shy and very withdrawn from the family.  He prefers to be alone and has a very short fuse.  He says what he wants and is labeled as a smart mouth at an early age.

My younger sister's character is the spoiled little girl in the family.  She can do no wrong and gets everything she wants.  She has everyone wrapped around her fingers and just expects everyone to do what she wants.  She acts like a brat when she's not around her parents.

My cousin's character is only ten years younger than my Mom (her Aunt) and is an only child.  She is very outspoken and has a narcissistic personality.  She complains a lot and cries when she doesn't get her way which causes everyone to just always give in to her.  She never had siblings of her own and spent a lot of time with our family her entire life.  However, she is very smart, compassionate, and is my best friend.

The actors (or a character from a movie or TV show) that would play each of the people in the life I've described would be as follows.

Mom would be played by Roseanne Barr.  I like Roseanne and think her wild outlook on life could add a funny twist on my Mom's OCD.

My Dad would be played by Clint Eastwood.  He's got a dry sense of humor much like my Dad does and is soft spoken as well.  In every movie he's in he always seems to get the job done which would be perfect for this role.

My older brother would be played by Tom Cruise.  They are very close in age and have similar looks. I think Tom Cruise would be great at being pompous, arrogant, and self-righteous.  Plus he's kind of a short guy which my older brother isn't and to me that would be funny if my older brother could have little man syndrome.  Of course that would be something that the audience would have to figure out on their own.  My older brother is a very strict Catholic and can be very preachy.

My little brother would be played by Neil Patrick Harris.  They are the same age and I Iike his brand of comedy.  He's a lot taller than my little brother but in my story I want my older brother to be short and my little brother to be tall.  My little brother is a lot like my older brother but is more shy, less outgoing, and with a shorter fuse.  My older brother accepts all people but my little brother lives in a world where he only really accepts those people that are white and strict Baptist.  He is also very preachy about his religious beliefs. I think Neil being openly gay could bring a real funny twist on my younger brother's character.

My sister would be played by Amy Schumer who is a comedienne.  They look very similar and Amy is very sarcastic and has a potty mouth which describes my sister.  I think that Amy would make a great Daddy's girl and would knock my sister's character out of the park.

My cousin's character would be played by Rosie O'Donnell.  My cousin has the same type of demeanor that Rosie has.  They are both outspoken, very loud, like to be the center of attention, and can be unapproachable but also very compassionate and intelligent.  I think that Rosie would be perfect to play my cousin and really make the character come to life.

So if I was going to make a movie of my life with bipolar disorder there is the general outline of what I had to work with.  However, I would want my movie to be funny  as well as serious which is why I chose the actors I chose.   I thin it would be funny to watch a Scientologist play a strict Catholic and for a openly gay man to play the character of my little brother who is very unaccepting of gay people.  If I was a little smarter I probably would move forward with this and try to make something out of it.  Who knows, maybe some day I'll have a real movie out.

Day 144 "Motivation And Inspiration"

Motivation is the drive to accomplish a goal or task.  People are motivated by many different things such as money, power, greed, sex, and compassion to name a few.  Me, I’m motivated by wanting to get my bipolar disorder under control before anything else in my life right now.  To accomplish that there’s a bunch of changes I had to make.  First I had to come to grips with the fact that I will have to take medication for the rest of my life.  Second I had to be honest with myself and open up to a therapist about everything I’ve done in my life both good and bad.  For me this meant writing out a timeline from birth until present day.  It got really hard for me when I was describing my jobs because I basically screwed them all up.  However, to get the proper treatment I had to tell it the way it happened.  Finally, I’ve had to learn that compliance to treatment is the only way to get stable and stay that way.  The way I stay compliant is to keep track of everything on a daily tracker.

 

Click on my Daily Tracker to enlarge.

 

Inspiration is the arousal or stimulation of the mind through music, words, pictures, or people.  This is a tough one. I think the biggest inspiration in my life lately is seeing that people do still care about one another and want to help others. Sure there are a lot of people that aren't that way. But I have met people that are going through much tougher times than me and they aren't giving up. That inspires me to face each day with a positive outlook instead of looking at everything in a negative way. I feel inspiration when even just one person goes out of their way for something as simple as holding a door open, someone paying someone else's rent, or helping someone pay for their groceries.  This is what Motivation and Inspiration mean to me!

Day 143 "Medication Changes Today"

Today I still feel sick.  I'm coughing, sneezing, and feel very tired.  All I want to do is sleep but that's not possible because I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner today and then have to pick my nephew up from school.  I hope today goes smoothly because I'm in no mood for anything to go wrong.  My mood is on the low side today and I'm very irritable.

So I had my appointment with Sharon, my nurse practitioner, today and she made several changes to my treatment.

1. 1.  She changed my daily dose of Lithium from 1200mg to 1500mg.  I was at the lower end of the therapeutic range (.60) and she thinks the higher dose will help my hypomania.  She also explained to me that Lithium is the drug that has been causing my tremors and that if needed she can get me a pill to help that.
2. 2.  She took me off the Abilify because of all the manic behavior I've been having.  I was on it for three weeks and was hypersexual, constantly cleaning, irritable, not sleeping, and having restless leg syndrome.
3. 3.  She prescribed me a newer anti psychotic called Latuda at 40mg for one week then 60mg after that.  She said this drug has side effects like all the other anti psychotics but this drug has a better track record so far. 

My blood pressure today was 130/78 and my heart rate was 70.  I have to see the nurse to get this drug every month so she's going to keep track of my blood pressure, heart rate, and weight.  I really feel like they care about me and It just makes me want to be that more compliant.  I have to get this illness under control and appreciate that they listen to me.  On that note I'm gong to sign off and go to bed.  I need to get myself better.

Day 142 "Sick Today"

This is the first time in a long time where I don't feel depressed and like I want to curl up in a dark room and hide from everyone.  I feel steady and am not stressed out.  I have some medication issues that still have to be worked out because of I’ve had some side effects and am hypomanic but overall I’m feeling better than I did in the summer.

However, I’m sick and pretty much want to stay in bed all day.  I have a light fever, headache, coughing and really achy.  I think maybe I have a seasonal thing because I always seem to get a bug right around the time the weather changes.  It never fails; when the seasons change I get a bug of some sort.  At this point I’m looking forward to getting over this cold I have and getting on with my life.

Tomorrow I see Sharon, my nurse practitioner, to go over my Lithium results.  We are also going to discuss my current drug cocktail.  I feel the Ablilify has caused me to become manic especially since my dose of Lithium was raised.  The Abilify has also caused me to have a slight tremor in my left hand and restless leg syndrome.  I can’t sit still sometimes and it drives me insane.  Now that my Lithium has been raised I want to know why I’m hypomanic so much?  I don’t have an answer for that yet but will hopefully get that tomorrow.  Finally, the Klonopin is OK but I feel like it’s doing nothing for me.  I have a lot of anxiety, have been crying a lot, and been very angry and irritable.  Is there another benzodiazepine that might work better?  Hopefully I’ll get an answer tomorrow for that question as well.  For now I’m going to bed and I will give an update tomorrow when the appointment is over.

Day 141 "Not Feeling Great Today"

Today has been a weird day for me.  I have been hypomanic and got a lot of word done outside.  I mowed both my yard and my cousins yard.  I also organized the garage and did some more organizing in my bedroom.  However,  I have felt really slow today and have wanted to lay down and take a nap from the time I woke up.  I have just felt a little off and I don't know why.  I do know that I that I see my nurse practitioner on Wednesday and I think there will be some medication changes as  I'm still having the restless legs and the tremor in my left hand.

Tomorrow is going to be a lo9ng day for me and I hope I can get through it.  I have group therapy in the morning and then I have to pick my nephew up from school and babysit him until his Mom gets home from work.  If I'm lucky maybe I'll get to catch a nap at my sister's house tomorrow.  Anyway, I'm going to get off here and get a good night sleep and hopefully that will make me feel better tomorrow.

Day 140 "Square Breathing"

This past couple of weeks in my group session on Mindfulness we worked on a technique called Square Breathing.  This technique is a simple way to refocus your attention and a great way to bring calmness and tranquility to yourself.  This technique can be done anywhere anytime but my group leader suggested the most effective way to do this technique is to sit tall in your chair, both feet flat on the floor, and your arms at your side. After that, there are just four simple breathing segments each done to a count of four.

• Inhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4
• Exhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4 

You can repeat the process making sure to focus on the breath until you feel relaxed.   I’ve been doing the technique everyday for the last two weeks and have to do the technique five or six times to feel relaxed.  However, the more I practice the technique the more I feel it’s working.  It’s such a simple tool to help someone who has anxiety and I highly suggest it.

Today has been a pretty good day for me.  I took my Mom shopping today and that’s an activity that drives me insane.  I feel a ton of anxiety when I have to go in a store. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.  I worked in retail for over ten years and many times suffered panic attacks.  In any event, Square Breathing helped me to feel less anxiety today and made my day a whole lot better.