Last night I never went to bed and stayed up all night looking at porn and trying to get a hookup for sex. I never did find anyone to have sex with me but I cruised the Internet for over ten hours looking for some self gratification. I haven't had feeling like that since I first started taking Lithium but for some reason Lithium didn't matter. As the night went on I became angrier because I couldn't get any takers. I was a little bit psycho about the whole thing. I had three different sites I mus jumping between plus checking me email hundreds of times looking for a private message. It just wasn't a good night and I was glad when daylight happened.
During the day i was just really angry and mean because I hadn't slept and I felt like I could hurt someone. When I'm like this its best for me to be alone and away from all people. i have therapy on Wednesday and I definitely need to talk to my therapist about whats happening. It just makes me so ashamed when all I can think about it sex. Well, I've been up 37 hours now and I'm going to try and go to sleep.
I’m a 46 year old man who’s been dealing with Bipolar my entire life. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was diagnosed and this blog is my story. As you’ll see there’s been many lapses in my posting but I’m going to try and get back with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble during my lapses but I continue to remain optimistic about my bipolar hence the title Optimistic Bipolar.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Day 119 "Uneventful But Good"
I slept well last night and was able to get up without any trouble. Today I felt good all day and didn't seem to have any medication side effects. Today was the best day on Abilify I've had to date. However, my dose goes from 2mg to 5 mg tomorrow so I may experience more side effects. In any event today is one of the best days I've had in months and I did nothing but mess around on the computer all day and watch television. I haven't felt like doing those activities all summer and today I was able to keep my attention focused on the television and computer without losing focus to depression. Maybe Abilify is the drug that's going to help stabilize my bipolar along with the Lithium. All I can do is remain optimistic by staying positive. Bipolar is a nasty illness and it feeds off your negativity.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Day 118 "Felt Better Today"
I slept good last night and when I woke up this morning it felt like a normal Saturday. I laid in bed an extra hour and just enjoyed the morning doing nothing. I had no fear of death, feelings that I would never get better, or depression. I haven't woke up on a Saturday morning and felt like that in a long time. I'm optimistic that I'll have more days like today but I'm sure there will be bumps along the way.
My cousin picked me up this afternoon and we rode over to her parents and visited with them. We ended up taking my aunt for a chest x-ray because she has been doing a lot of coughing and feeling bad. We won't know the results until she hears from her doctor. We then went for a long drive in the country and stopped and ate at a really nice Amish restaurant. Everything went well until my uncle ordered a big piece of ham. He took two bites and had to go to the bathroom to throw up. After about fifteen minutes of him being gone he returned and within another five minutes he was back in the bathroom throwing up. I felt really bad for him and didn't know what to say. I just told my aunt and cousin that he should probably be drinking something to rehydrate and replace the electrolytes he loses every time he throws up. My aunt says that he's just bring up food that's stuck in his throat but I'm sure he's also bringing up some mucus as well as liquid. I've been told that Gatorade is good for dehydration and replacing lost electrolytes. I'm going to get a few bottles and take them over with me on Monday when I visit him.
There were also two messages on their answering machine that my uncle had done nothing about. The first message was from the hospital wanting to pre-register him for his Pet Scan this following Tuesday and the second was from his oncologist wanting to make a follow up appointment to go over the results of his Pet Scan. They were clear concise messages that he should have acted on but acted like he didn't understand them. I wonder if he doesn't understand or he is just so overwhelmed. So far he seems so strong but who knows how he's going to be six weeks from now. I just know that I'm going to be there for him as much as I can. We will hopefully know more this coming week after he sees the oncologist and I will keep everyone posted.
My cousin picked me up this afternoon and we rode over to her parents and visited with them. We ended up taking my aunt for a chest x-ray because she has been doing a lot of coughing and feeling bad. We won't know the results until she hears from her doctor. We then went for a long drive in the country and stopped and ate at a really nice Amish restaurant. Everything went well until my uncle ordered a big piece of ham. He took two bites and had to go to the bathroom to throw up. After about fifteen minutes of him being gone he returned and within another five minutes he was back in the bathroom throwing up. I felt really bad for him and didn't know what to say. I just told my aunt and cousin that he should probably be drinking something to rehydrate and replace the electrolytes he loses every time he throws up. My aunt says that he's just bring up food that's stuck in his throat but I'm sure he's also bringing up some mucus as well as liquid. I've been told that Gatorade is good for dehydration and replacing lost electrolytes. I'm going to get a few bottles and take them over with me on Monday when I visit him.
There were also two messages on their answering machine that my uncle had done nothing about. The first message was from the hospital wanting to pre-register him for his Pet Scan this following Tuesday and the second was from his oncologist wanting to make a follow up appointment to go over the results of his Pet Scan. They were clear concise messages that he should have acted on but acted like he didn't understand them. I wonder if he doesn't understand or he is just so overwhelmed. So far he seems so strong but who knows how he's going to be six weeks from now. I just know that I'm going to be there for him as much as I can. We will hopefully know more this coming week after he sees the oncologist and I will keep everyone posted.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Day 117 "Another Lousy Day"
I slept OK last night and was able to get up with no problems which is the best part about today. I have felt off all day. My head hasn't felt right and even though I was wide awake I still could have went back to bed. I especially felt today like nothing in my life is ever going to improve. I know that I may be approved for disability down the road but it's never going to be enough to live comfortably on. I feel like I will always have to rely on others for support and that makes me so upset just to think about it. I wish I could get my mind on a positive track because this is getting so old. I would just like to have one day where I could relax and not worry about my future but I don't see that happening. In any event, I'm going to now go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Day 116 "Just Another Day"
Last night I slept the first half of the night well. I woke up about three in the morning to use the bathroom and was up and down several times over the next few hours. At one point I felt like my heart was racing but don't know for sure. I ended up sitting up in a chair for a few hours until I felt comfortable enough to lay back down. I have noticed since I started taking Abilify that I'm not really tired but my head kind of hurts a little. Today I also noticed a slight tremor in my left hand. I'm not going to make a big deal about any of this yet and continue to give this drug a chance.
I'm not doing very well with following a diabetic diet at all. I have never been a big fan of vegetables and have a hard time eating them. I know I have to learn how to eat correctly in order to be able to control my diabetes but it's just so hard. When I saw the doctor all he did was prescribe me a lot of Metformin and say he didn't need to see me back for six months. How is that giving me any sort of guidance on how to control this disease. He also diagnosed me as being diabetes type 1.5 which I had never heard of before. I've said it before and I'll say it again that he and his staff have poor customer service skills. Somehow I will figure how to correctly eat on my own and get this diabetes under control.
I got a letter from Social Security today conforming that I applied for a reconsideration since being denied benefits. The best part is that I didn't have to do anything now that I have a lawyer. I finally feel like I have someone on my side. She told me she'll get everything in order for my case and that I don't have to do anything except ask questions and show up for appointments. The lawyer gets 25% of my back pay which is totally worth it to me because they're going to do all the leg work. The only thing that kinda stinks is that it may take up to a year.
I stopped at my uncle's house today and ha a nice visit with him and my aunt. He found out that his Pet Scan is going to be this next Tuesday at 8 a.m. I told him I would take him and that it actually works out good for me because I need to have my blood drawn to check my Lithium level and A1C numbers. The only problem is that I'm going to have to miss the group session I started attending on mindfulness last week. This will be the third time they've met and the second time I've missed. I'm thinking about just dropping out of the group all together because when I gave my uncle my availability I wasn't in the group yet and told him that my Tuesdays were open.
I'm not doing very well with following a diabetic diet at all. I have never been a big fan of vegetables and have a hard time eating them. I know I have to learn how to eat correctly in order to be able to control my diabetes but it's just so hard. When I saw the doctor all he did was prescribe me a lot of Metformin and say he didn't need to see me back for six months. How is that giving me any sort of guidance on how to control this disease. He also diagnosed me as being diabetes type 1.5 which I had never heard of before. I've said it before and I'll say it again that he and his staff have poor customer service skills. Somehow I will figure how to correctly eat on my own and get this diabetes under control.
I got a letter from Social Security today conforming that I applied for a reconsideration since being denied benefits. The best part is that I didn't have to do anything now that I have a lawyer. I finally feel like I have someone on my side. She told me she'll get everything in order for my case and that I don't have to do anything except ask questions and show up for appointments. The lawyer gets 25% of my back pay which is totally worth it to me because they're going to do all the leg work. The only thing that kinda stinks is that it may take up to a year.
I stopped at my uncle's house today and ha a nice visit with him and my aunt. He found out that his Pet Scan is going to be this next Tuesday at 8 a.m. I told him I would take him and that it actually works out good for me because I need to have my blood drawn to check my Lithium level and A1C numbers. The only problem is that I'm going to have to miss the group session I started attending on mindfulness last week. This will be the third time they've met and the second time I've missed. I'm thinking about just dropping out of the group all together because when I gave my uncle my availability I wasn't in the group yet and told him that my Tuesdays were open.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Day 115 "Did Nothing Today"
Last night I got my Mom out of the house and had dinner. It was nice to get out and it was also nice to see my Mom starting to move better. She still needs her walker but is starting to get her ability to walk without it. I call that the magic of healing. I'm looking forward to getting her out of the house more. This weekend Fall begins and to me that means new beginnings. Summer hasn't been very good for myself or anyone else in my family so in my mind this is a new period and I'm excited about it.
When we got home from dinner last night I had to go to bed right away. I think my tiredness had to do with starting to take Abilify. I read that there could be some drowsiness in the beginning but it wouldn't last. Well I slept for twelve hours but was then able to get up with no problem and was very alert. That's a big improvement over the Seroquel that I'm really happy about. I just hope this new medication can help my depression. In any event I did nothing today and it felt good. I needed some me time and got it. I hope tomorrow is as good as today but who knows how I'll feel.
When we got home from dinner last night I had to go to bed right away. I think my tiredness had to do with starting to take Abilify. I read that there could be some drowsiness in the beginning but it wouldn't last. Well I slept for twelve hours but was then able to get up with no problem and was very alert. That's a big improvement over the Seroquel that I'm really happy about. I just hope this new medication can help my depression. In any event I did nothing today and it felt good. I needed some me time and got it. I hope tomorrow is as good as today but who knows how I'll feel.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Day 114 "Had A Full Day"
I took my first Abilify after dinner last night and it never made me sleepy. I was able to sleep the entire night and wake when I needed too. It was a nice change to be able to get out of bed without any trouble. When I was taking Seroquel I would have to either roll out of bed or have something to help pull me up. The only side effect I had with the Abilify was that my heart felt like it was racing a little. However, it's only been one dose so I need to give it more time before I decide whether it works or not.
This morning I attended a group session that just started on Mindfulness. The session lasted almost two hours and there's about nine members. I have a hard time being around people and I'm hoping that I can build some good social skills as well as learn how to be more Mindful. I don't remember a whole lot but we did do an exercise, kind of like a meditation, where we closed our eyes and the leader instructed us what to focus on. It was OK if our minds wandered but we were supposed to try and get back to what we were told to focus on. They also gave us some reading material that I think will help me to do well in the group. In any event it was a good first session and I look forward to next Tuesday.
This afternoon we took my uncle to the oncologist to find out what his treatment plan is going to be. The doctor talked for over 30 min and the only thing I got from all of it was that he's going to have a Pet Scan to show exactly where the cancer is. He said until he has the results of the Pet Scan he won't be able to really tell what stage the cancer is or give any kind of prognosis. He did say that Chemotherapy and Radiation is probably what is going to happen. He said my uncle could have surgery down the road to remove the part of the esophagus and stomach where he presently sees the cancer but that a surgery like that requires a long hospital stay as well as a very long recovery period. He also said studies show that having surgery doesn't have many benefits over the Chemotherapy and Radiation alone. I just know that there was a lot of information to take in and there's going to be more coming so as of right now I'm just praying that my uncle can have a comfortable end to his life that I hope is years down the road.
This morning I attended a group session that just started on Mindfulness. The session lasted almost two hours and there's about nine members. I have a hard time being around people and I'm hoping that I can build some good social skills as well as learn how to be more Mindful. I don't remember a whole lot but we did do an exercise, kind of like a meditation, where we closed our eyes and the leader instructed us what to focus on. It was OK if our minds wandered but we were supposed to try and get back to what we were told to focus on. They also gave us some reading material that I think will help me to do well in the group. In any event it was a good first session and I look forward to next Tuesday.
This afternoon we took my uncle to the oncologist to find out what his treatment plan is going to be. The doctor talked for over 30 min and the only thing I got from all of it was that he's going to have a Pet Scan to show exactly where the cancer is. He said until he has the results of the Pet Scan he won't be able to really tell what stage the cancer is or give any kind of prognosis. He did say that Chemotherapy and Radiation is probably what is going to happen. He said my uncle could have surgery down the road to remove the part of the esophagus and stomach where he presently sees the cancer but that a surgery like that requires a long hospital stay as well as a very long recovery period. He also said studies show that having surgery doesn't have many benefits over the Chemotherapy and Radiation alone. I just know that there was a lot of information to take in and there's going to be more coming so as of right now I'm just praying that my uncle can have a comfortable end to his life that I hope is years down the road.
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