Day 111 "Stressful Day But Ending OK"

I had a difficult time sleeping last night due to the fact that I was nervous about meeting the attorney who's going to represent me in my quest to get approved for disability.  I was about twenty minutes early for my appointment and ended waiting over a half hour because my attorney was with another client.  When I finally got called back in the conference room I calmed down a lot.  My attorney was happy with the paperwork I brought her and said that I made her job a little easier.  She said she could tell that I was OCD by all the information I had for her and the detail I went in to.  In any event I feel a lot better about the whole process because I finally feel like I have support.  So we'll see what happens and I'll keep everyone posted about the process.

Day 110 "Nervous About Social Security Appeal Tomorrow"

Last night I tossed and turned all night but was in bed for almost twelve hours.  I just kept waking up even though I had the windows open and it was a great night for sleeping.  My mood today has been OK but I've been very hypomanic today.  Tomorrow I'm meeting with an attorney in the morning about appealing my disability claim.  I completed their pre interview questionaire and the actual appeal form.  I then found the same appeal form online that I could type then print and I have that for for them as well.  I have a script from my nurse practitioner I'm taking and I also have copies of my last two visits to the doctor's office.  I even debated taking all my pills for them to see.  I feel like I've maybe included too much but I won't know till I actually meet with the attorney in the morning. 

I almost didn't appeal their decision and let it go at that.  The denial letters made me feel like I was some how trying to scam Social Security.  I talked to my therapist and she said I was probably denied because I lacked medical evidence.  I thought about it and she's right.  I was seen over ten years ago for depression and again about six years ago.  I then was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder and quit that treatment after a year.  However, I thought I would at the very least be required to see one of their doctors but that wasn't the case.  They just said that my illnesses weren't severe enough to collect disability.

Summer is almost over and this summer has been the hardest I've ever had to face.  I thought getting stabilized on medications would be easier than it's been.  Taking the medications is easy but the way they make you feel is a whole other issue.  I used to have so many little hobbies I enjoyed but haven't had the desire to do anything.  I do mow the grass with the tractor but even that has been a chore for me this summer.  I want to do so much but I've just felt overwhelmed by it all.  I'm looking forward to fall and the cooler weather.  I'm hoping the change in seasons will have a positive effect on me.  I have a really good friend whom I haven't seen in a year and I'm hoping to get away to see him sometime in the near future.

Day 109 "Today Has Been A Little Better"

Today has been a little better for me.  I was able to get up this morning without any problems.  I did however sleep this afternoon in the chair for about six hours.  I hope that doesn't screw my sleep up tonight.  Sleep is the one thing I enjoy because I can escape the realities of life.  Lately life has been really tough and I'll take any escape I can get.

Next week I start working in a group setting on mindfulness.  The idea is to be able to focus on a subject and be able to pull yourself back to that subject when the mind starts to wander.  I would imagine there is more to it than just that but that's what I was told the group is starting with.  I'm looking forward to meeting with others in a group but am also a little nervous about it.  I have a hard time being in group settings and experience a lot of anxiety.  Hopefully the entire experience will prove beneficial to me.

My uncle finally got a call from the oncologist who will be handling his cancer treatment.  His appointment is the same day as my group session but later in the day.  This is an important day because we'll find out what stage of cancer he has and have a better idea of what kind of treatment he'll receive.  I need to research questions that we need to ask this doctor.  I remember when my Dad was going through his cancer treatment that they encouraged questions and were willing to answer anything. 

Day 108 "Today Has Been A Lot Like Yesterday"

Today has been another day much like yesterday.  My speech has been slurred.  I've been tired all day.  I have felt very slow and in a fog.  I just know I can't wait till I can go to bed and just go to sleep.  I've been dreaming of doing to sleep for he last six hours.  I just feel like a zombie and can't wait for that feeling to be gone.

So today I saw my regular doctor and he put me on medication for my diabetes.  I have no problem taking the medication and am looking forward to getting my A1C number down.  My only complaint is that he wants to draw my blood in six weeks and and that if he doesn't see an improvement he may put me on insulin.  I was under the impression that an A1C number should be checked every three months to get  true reading.  I feel like had he sat down with me right after he got the results of my blood work rather than let me hang in limbo for six weeks then he could order an A1C  test for six weeks from now.  I just feel like my opinion doesn't matter and that this doctor doesn't really listen.  It's very true that when your poor you don't receive the same level of care as someone who is.

Day 107 "Another Low Flat Day"

I slept pretty good last night and only woke up twice.  I slept a total of 10 hours which for me isn't too bad at all.  I find that I function best when I sleep around ten hours.  Today my mood has been pretty flat all day.  I'm neither manic or depressed which is a good thing.  However, my flat feeling is on the low side of the bipolar spectrum.  My movements have been very slow.  My speech has been slow and I've been pretty tired.  I'm guessing its the Seroquel I take that's making me feel this way.  I so can't wait till I'm off that medication and on something else that has less side effects.

Day 106 "Today I've Been All Over The Place"

Last night I slept pretty good but was up and down a lot.  I had to be up early this morning and was able to get up but I've been very tired all day.  I took my uncle to his doctor's appointment this morning with his regular doctor and my OCD kicked in because I was very organized and asked lots of questions.  I felt very much like I was on my A game.  Then I had a period this afternoon and evening where I had a lot of rude outbursts about different people.  I said a lot of horrible things.  My anxiety hasn't been too bad today but I've also felt depressed and have cried numerous times today.  I feel OK for the most part but I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.  Finally, the most annoying part of today and actually the last week is that I'm drooling a lot which I don't know if it may have something to do with one of my medictions or is a side effect  of the Bell's Palsy I developed about two months ago.  I've read that it can take along time to fully recover from it.

I have a very busy schedule this week and am a little stressed about that.  I have to pick my nephew up from school two days.  On one day I have an appointment with my doctor and then a therapy session across town.  I'm also supposed to go to a group counseling session this week that is focusing on coping skills.  I also may be taking my uncle to meet with his initial visit with the cancer doctor.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I have an appointment with a lawyer on Saturday morning to work on my appeal for disability.  When I don't have a set schedule my anxiety goes into overdrive and it makes me irritable.  I think that may be part of the reason I've been having rude outbursts and feeling depressed but who knows for sure. 

There have been some times in the last two weeks I haven't taken my Seroquel due to the way it sedates me and slows me down. Maybe that's another reason I'm having such a tough week.  I'm pretty sure I have everything in order so far this week but I'm definitely feeling more on the depressive side of the bipolar scale with occasional hypomania.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist on Wednesday to talk about things.  For a while I felt like I was making a lot of progress and maybe I still am but I'm just having a rough time right now.

Day 105 "Hypomanic Today"

I slept again very well last night without taking Seroquel which is a good thing. Today my mood was OK most of the day but I had many instances of saying inappropriate things which made me angry because I couldn't control it.  My whole family thinks it's funny when I have these outbursts and don't understand that it upsets me a lot.  When I act like I did today I feel like I'm having a mixed episode.  I definitely need another drug to compliment the Lithium I'm on.  It just has to be a drug that will allow me to be a person and not a zombie.

Today I had lunch with my Mom, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  My uncle tried to eat his food but had to excuse himself and I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom.  The food gets lodged on the nodule in his throat and he can't do anything but throw it up.  It really worries me because the food we were eating was softer.  It just makes me wonder how big the nodule in his throat really is.  I'm going with him tomorrow to see his regular doctor to be a second set of ears and I have a bunch of questions I plan on asking.  My uncle doesn't seem to be worried about himself as much as he's worried about cleaning out his basement.  When I find out more information I will pass it on.