Day 106 "Today I've Been All Over The Place"

Last night I slept pretty good but was up and down a lot.  I had to be up early this morning and was able to get up but I've been very tired all day.  I took my uncle to his doctor's appointment this morning with his regular doctor and my OCD kicked in because I was very organized and asked lots of questions.  I felt very much like I was on my A game.  Then I had a period this afternoon and evening where I had a lot of rude outbursts about different people.  I said a lot of horrible things.  My anxiety hasn't been too bad today but I've also felt depressed and have cried numerous times today.  I feel OK for the most part but I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.  Finally, the most annoying part of today and actually the last week is that I'm drooling a lot which I don't know if it may have something to do with one of my medictions or is a side effect  of the Bell's Palsy I developed about two months ago.  I've read that it can take along time to fully recover from it.

I have a very busy schedule this week and am a little stressed about that.  I have to pick my nephew up from school two days.  On one day I have an appointment with my doctor and then a therapy session across town.  I'm also supposed to go to a group counseling session this week that is focusing on coping skills.  I also may be taking my uncle to meet with his initial visit with the cancer doctor.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I have an appointment with a lawyer on Saturday morning to work on my appeal for disability.  When I don't have a set schedule my anxiety goes into overdrive and it makes me irritable.  I think that may be part of the reason I've been having rude outbursts and feeling depressed but who knows for sure. 

There have been some times in the last two weeks I haven't taken my Seroquel due to the way it sedates me and slows me down. Maybe that's another reason I'm having such a tough week.  I'm pretty sure I have everything in order so far this week but I'm definitely feeling more on the depressive side of the bipolar scale with occasional hypomania.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist on Wednesday to talk about things.  For a while I felt like I was making a lot of progress and maybe I still am but I'm just having a rough time right now.

Day 105 "Hypomanic Today"

I slept again very well last night without taking Seroquel which is a good thing. Today my mood was OK most of the day but I had many instances of saying inappropriate things which made me angry because I couldn't control it.  My whole family thinks it's funny when I have these outbursts and don't understand that it upsets me a lot.  When I act like I did today I feel like I'm having a mixed episode.  I definitely need another drug to compliment the Lithium I'm on.  It just has to be a drug that will allow me to be a person and not a zombie.

Today I had lunch with my Mom, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  My uncle tried to eat his food but had to excuse himself and I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom.  The food gets lodged on the nodule in his throat and he can't do anything but throw it up.  It really worries me because the food we were eating was softer.  It just makes me wonder how big the nodule in his throat really is.  I'm going with him tomorrow to see his regular doctor to be a second set of ears and I have a bunch of questions I plan on asking.  My uncle doesn't seem to be worried about himself as much as he's worried about cleaning out his basement.  When I find out more information I will pass it on.

Day 104 "Less Stable More Depressed"

Today I have been pretty depressed all day.  I didn't take the Seroquel again last night because of how it makes me feel.  The Lithium is still doing it's job at keeping me from being manic.  The Klonopin is also helping me to sleep at night but I'm starting to feel depressed again like I did when I was just taking Lithium.  I was very emotional all day and cried on many occasions over nothing.  My car that I just got running has a gas leak so I thought it would be a good idea to get a pan and save what gas I could from it which was a painless job.  I was sobbing the entire time I messed with the car and I didn't know why.

When I took Seroquel it stopped my crying at all dosages and I even felt good some days but at all the dosages I took I was always slow.  It slowed my speech down a lot.  There were also a lot of times when I would slur my words and drool.  But I think the worst part of the drug for me is the sedation it inflicts.  I was so depressed when I was just on Lithium that for a while I didn't care that I looked and acted like a zombie.  Anyway, I know I'm still going to need a replacement medication for the depression.  I just hope that my nurse practitioner can find me something that won't have as many side effects.  I also think that as long as she doesn't mess with my Klonopin I shouldn't need anything for sleep.  However, I used to take Trazodone as needed for sleep and it had no side effects and it's also a mild anti-depressant. 

Day 103 "A Stable Day For Me"

I slept very good last night and was able to get up this morning without any problems.  Again, this is because I didn't take my Seroquel last night.  I had to be able to drive the car this afternoon and would have never been able to do it safely had I taken the Seroquel.  For me to take the Seroquel and be alert enough to operate a vehicle I would have had to take it at four in the afternoon yesterday before dinner and I've been told to take it two hours after I eat dinner.  It's just not working right for me.

I've been dwelling a lot about it lately and I hope I'm not boring anybody.  I'm one of these people that has to talk myself into making decisions and deciding I don't want to take Seroquel anymore hasn't been an easy decision at all.  It's always sedated me and made me sleep regardless of the dosage but it does help my depression.  I just didn't realize how much driving I was going to be doing and I would rather be a little depressed and alert than not depressed and really foggy.

I see my therapist this week and am going to talk to her about it.  I'm also going to talk to my nurse practitioner's nurse if she's in.  I still have two weeks before I see my nurse practitioner and I was told she's going to be on vacation.  I'm not feeling depressed or manic right now but I feel that if I keep taking the Seroquel intermittently like I have there's going to be a problem.  I started reading about medications online to educate myself and there's so many different options available that it's just very overwhelming.  I just need to be assured that whatever I'm prescribed has less side effects than the Seroquel. 

Today, I spent the afternoon looking for lawyers to help me with my disability case.  I was denied at the end of July and only have three weeks left to appeal their decision.  The first lawyer's office I called asked me what I was diagnosed with and I told the lady bipolar1.  She told me she never heard of that before.  I felt that they were probably the wrong people to represent me.  I called another firm and was interviewed over the phone for about fifteen minutes and they accepted me as a client and I have a meeting with them next Saturday.  I've had mixed emotions about whether I should appeal or not and I just decided that I should give it a try so that I can have some free time to work on myself and get stable.  Besides bipolar1, I have OCD, bulimia, recently diagnosed diabetes, as well as high blood pressure.  I plan on beating it all but if I was awarded disability it would allow me to be able to have an income I could use to pay my own way with while I'm fixing myself.

Day 102 "Another Bad Day For My Family"

Today my mood has been stable but I've been in a low place all day.  I took my uncle to the doctor this afternoon and he found out that he has Esophageal Cancer.  He didn't say a whole lot about it but you could tell that he was shaken up about it.  The prognosis for Esophageal Cancer is very poor at about a 15%  five year survival rate with most patients dying within the first year.  Everything depends on how far along the cancer is and how far in the body its spread.  I don't know all the answers yet but will be keeping my ears open to find out as much as possible.  The doctor today said that his office would be getting my uncle an appointment with an Oncologist as soon as possible so that treatment could begin quickly.

Next to my Dad my uncle is the next most important man in my life.  I have all good memories of him.  When I was a little boy I used to steal his moccasins that he always used to wear.  I have memories of him teaching me how to throw a baseball as a little boy.  I  never was any good but he always made me feel like I was good and getting better.  It doesn't mean anything to anyone else but my uncle bought a really nice truck a number of years ago and I was the first one he let drive it.  He's just always had faith in me and treated me like I was somebody special. 

I'm going to be there for my uncle as much as I can.  He's going to need rides to and from doctor's appointments.  He's going to need help taking care of his yard.  My aunt can't drive anymore and I'm probably going to have to help get her to where she needs to go.  Nobody knows yet what's going to happen and who knows how my uncle will respond to treatment.  I just know that there going to need me and I'm prepared to help them as much as possible.

Day 101 "Another Bad Day On Seroquel"

Today I woke up at 1pm after sleeping for twelve hours.  I then had to go and pick up my nephew from school which was fun because of having to drive.  I did OK but I was so tired.  After I got my nephew we went back to my sister's house and slept for another two hours while my nephew watched a movie.  After his movie was over he woke me up and we went to the park.  We were going to walk a little and then play on the playground.  Well, we walked a little bit and when we got to the playground it looked like it had been destroyed.  There was no way we were going to play there.  So we went back to the car and went to Dairy Queen and had treats.

I had a really nice time with my nephew today and even though I complain about it a lot I really enjoy him.  He treats me like someone he looks up to and it makes me feel really good.  I've been picking him up from school for the last three years and I really do enjoy it.  Since today was such a flop with the playground I promised Matthew I would take him to a better playground next week when I pick him up from school.

Tomorrow is going to be a potential bad day for my family.  I'm taking my uncle to get the results of his CAT scan and biopsy.  My cousin is going to meet us at the doctor's office and I'm hoping she can hold herself together.  My uncle's appointment is at 2:30 p.m. and I'm praying that everything that myself and cousin have been thinking is wrong.

Day 100 "Finally Got My Car To Run"

Today has been another day for me of slowness and depression.  I have been sleeping an average of twelve to fifteen hours a night and can't wait to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner.  I want to stop the Seroquel and go it alone with the Lithium for a while.  I understand that taking away the Seroquel is taking away the medication that was helping my depression but I would rather be depressed than take the medication that makes me so slow that I can't function.  I've been on four different doses of it and I'm now back down to the dosage before the initial dosage that didn't work for me anymore so I say get rid of it.  I will be open to suggestions on other medications that can do the same thing but I won't hear anything more on Seroquel.

Even though today was a not so great day for my mood I still had a little bit of a bright spot.  I got my car running this evening.  I had put a new alternator in it and had the old battery charged.  When I put the old battery in it and tried to start it the battery would just discharge.  So, I got a new battery thanks to my Mom and when I finally got it in the car it started right up.  That was the only bright spot of the day because from sitting all summer the car has a bunch of other issues.  The steering is very stiff and alternates between normal and stiff.  The brakes are totally done for and need attention since they haven't been touched since 2006.  Finally, the worst part of not being driven is that the car leaks gasoline.  I drove it from my cousins house to mine and the car leaked out over a half tank of gas which is about 10 gallons.

My older brother had  promised to help me get the car fixed a few weeks back but sort of backed out.  He told me the goal was to get it up and running quickly so that I would have my own wheels.  I feel a little betrayed and hurt as well.  There have been times in the past where I lent my brother large sums of money and waited years for him to pay me back.  The car needs a lot of work and at this point I don't know what to do.  My Mom wants me to junk it and just let it go but I have this emotional attachment to it because it was left to me by my father when he died.  I just hope it all somehow works out and I can be able to keep it.