Today I have been pretty depressed all day. I didn't take the Seroquel again last night because of how it makes me feel. The Lithium is still doing it's job at keeping me from being manic. The Klonopin is also helping me to sleep at night but I'm starting to feel depressed again like I did when I was just taking Lithium. I was very emotional all day and cried on many occasions over nothing. My car that I just got running has a gas leak so I thought it would be a good idea to get a pan and save what gas I could from it which was a painless job. I was sobbing the entire time I messed with the car and I didn't know why.
When I took Seroquel it stopped my crying at all dosages and I even felt good some days but at all the dosages I took I was always slow. It slowed my speech down a lot. There were also a lot of times when I would slur my words and drool. But I think the worst part of the drug for me is the sedation it inflicts. I was so depressed when I was just on Lithium that for a while I didn't care that I looked and acted like a zombie. Anyway, I know I'm still going to need a replacement medication for the depression. I just hope that my nurse practitioner can find me something that won't have as many side effects. I also think that as long as she doesn't mess with my Klonopin I shouldn't need anything for sleep. However, I used to take Trazodone as needed for sleep and it had no side effects and it's also a mild anti-depressant.
I’m a 46 year old man who’s been dealing with Bipolar my entire life. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was diagnosed and this blog is my story. As you’ll see there’s been many lapses in my posting but I’m going to try and get back with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble during my lapses but I continue to remain optimistic about my bipolar hence the title Optimistic Bipolar.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Day 103 "A Stable Day For Me"
I slept very good last night and was able to get up this morning without any problems. Again, this is because I didn't take my Seroquel last night. I had to be able to drive the car this afternoon and would have never been able to do it safely had I taken the Seroquel. For me to take the Seroquel and be alert enough to operate a vehicle I would have had to take it at four in the afternoon yesterday before dinner and I've been told to take it two hours after I eat dinner. It's just not working right for me.
I've been dwelling a lot about it lately and I hope I'm not boring anybody. I'm one of these people that has to talk myself into making decisions and deciding I don't want to take Seroquel anymore hasn't been an easy decision at all. It's always sedated me and made me sleep regardless of the dosage but it does help my depression. I just didn't realize how much driving I was going to be doing and I would rather be a little depressed and alert than not depressed and really foggy.
I see my therapist this week and am going to talk to her about it. I'm also going to talk to my nurse practitioner's nurse if she's in. I still have two weeks before I see my nurse practitioner and I was told she's going to be on vacation. I'm not feeling depressed or manic right now but I feel that if I keep taking the Seroquel intermittently like I have there's going to be a problem. I started reading about medications online to educate myself and there's so many different options available that it's just very overwhelming. I just need to be assured that whatever I'm prescribed has less side effects than the Seroquel.
Today, I spent the afternoon looking for lawyers to help me with my disability case. I was denied at the end of July and only have three weeks left to appeal their decision. The first lawyer's office I called asked me what I was diagnosed with and I told the lady bipolar1. She told me she never heard of that before. I felt that they were probably the wrong people to represent me. I called another firm and was interviewed over the phone for about fifteen minutes and they accepted me as a client and I have a meeting with them next Saturday. I've had mixed emotions about whether I should appeal or not and I just decided that I should give it a try so that I can have some free time to work on myself and get stable. Besides bipolar1, I have OCD, bulimia, recently diagnosed diabetes, as well as high blood pressure. I plan on beating it all but if I was awarded disability it would allow me to be able to have an income I could use to pay my own way with while I'm fixing myself.
I've been dwelling a lot about it lately and I hope I'm not boring anybody. I'm one of these people that has to talk myself into making decisions and deciding I don't want to take Seroquel anymore hasn't been an easy decision at all. It's always sedated me and made me sleep regardless of the dosage but it does help my depression. I just didn't realize how much driving I was going to be doing and I would rather be a little depressed and alert than not depressed and really foggy.
I see my therapist this week and am going to talk to her about it. I'm also going to talk to my nurse practitioner's nurse if she's in. I still have two weeks before I see my nurse practitioner and I was told she's going to be on vacation. I'm not feeling depressed or manic right now but I feel that if I keep taking the Seroquel intermittently like I have there's going to be a problem. I started reading about medications online to educate myself and there's so many different options available that it's just very overwhelming. I just need to be assured that whatever I'm prescribed has less side effects than the Seroquel.
Today, I spent the afternoon looking for lawyers to help me with my disability case. I was denied at the end of July and only have three weeks left to appeal their decision. The first lawyer's office I called asked me what I was diagnosed with and I told the lady bipolar1. She told me she never heard of that before. I felt that they were probably the wrong people to represent me. I called another firm and was interviewed over the phone for about fifteen minutes and they accepted me as a client and I have a meeting with them next Saturday. I've had mixed emotions about whether I should appeal or not and I just decided that I should give it a try so that I can have some free time to work on myself and get stable. Besides bipolar1, I have OCD, bulimia, recently diagnosed diabetes, as well as high blood pressure. I plan on beating it all but if I was awarded disability it would allow me to be able to have an income I could use to pay my own way with while I'm fixing myself.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Day 102 "Another Bad Day For My Family"
Today my mood has been stable but I've been in a low place all day. I took my uncle to the doctor this afternoon and he found out that he has Esophageal Cancer. He didn't say a whole lot about it but you could tell that he was shaken up about it. The prognosis for Esophageal Cancer is very poor at about a 15% five year survival rate with most patients dying within the first year. Everything depends on how far along the cancer is and how far in the body its spread. I don't know all the answers yet but will be keeping my ears open to find out as much as possible. The doctor today said that his office would be getting my uncle an appointment with an Oncologist as soon as possible so that treatment could begin quickly.
Next to my Dad my uncle is the next most important man in my life. I have all good memories of him. When I was a little boy I used to steal his moccasins that he always used to wear. I have memories of him teaching me how to throw a baseball as a little boy. I never was any good but he always made me feel like I was good and getting better. It doesn't mean anything to anyone else but my uncle bought a really nice truck a number of years ago and I was the first one he let drive it. He's just always had faith in me and treated me like I was somebody special.
I'm going to be there for my uncle as much as I can. He's going to need rides to and from doctor's appointments. He's going to need help taking care of his yard. My aunt can't drive anymore and I'm probably going to have to help get her to where she needs to go. Nobody knows yet what's going to happen and who knows how my uncle will respond to treatment. I just know that there going to need me and I'm prepared to help them as much as possible.
Next to my Dad my uncle is the next most important man in my life. I have all good memories of him. When I was a little boy I used to steal his moccasins that he always used to wear. I have memories of him teaching me how to throw a baseball as a little boy. I never was any good but he always made me feel like I was good and getting better. It doesn't mean anything to anyone else but my uncle bought a really nice truck a number of years ago and I was the first one he let drive it. He's just always had faith in me and treated me like I was somebody special.
I'm going to be there for my uncle as much as I can. He's going to need rides to and from doctor's appointments. He's going to need help taking care of his yard. My aunt can't drive anymore and I'm probably going to have to help get her to where she needs to go. Nobody knows yet what's going to happen and who knows how my uncle will respond to treatment. I just know that there going to need me and I'm prepared to help them as much as possible.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Day 101 "Another Bad Day On Seroquel"
Today I woke up at 1pm after sleeping for twelve hours. I then had to go and pick up my nephew from school which was fun because of having to drive. I did OK but I was so tired. After I got my nephew we went back to my sister's house and slept for another two hours while my nephew watched a movie. After his movie was over he woke me up and we went to the park. We were going to walk a little and then play on the playground. Well, we walked a little bit and when we got to the playground it looked like it had been destroyed. There was no way we were going to play there. So we went back to the car and went to Dairy Queen and had treats.
I had a really nice time with my nephew today and even though I complain about it a lot I really enjoy him. He treats me like someone he looks up to and it makes me feel really good. I've been picking him up from school for the last three years and I really do enjoy it. Since today was such a flop with the playground I promised Matthew I would take him to a better playground next week when I pick him up from school.
Tomorrow is going to be a potential bad day for my family. I'm taking my uncle to get the results of his CAT scan and biopsy. My cousin is going to meet us at the doctor's office and I'm hoping she can hold herself together. My uncle's appointment is at 2:30 p.m. and I'm praying that everything that myself and cousin have been thinking is wrong.
I had a really nice time with my nephew today and even though I complain about it a lot I really enjoy him. He treats me like someone he looks up to and it makes me feel really good. I've been picking him up from school for the last three years and I really do enjoy it. Since today was such a flop with the playground I promised Matthew I would take him to a better playground next week when I pick him up from school.
Tomorrow is going to be a potential bad day for my family. I'm taking my uncle to get the results of his CAT scan and biopsy. My cousin is going to meet us at the doctor's office and I'm hoping she can hold herself together. My uncle's appointment is at 2:30 p.m. and I'm praying that everything that myself and cousin have been thinking is wrong.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Day 100 "Finally Got My Car To Run"
Today has been another day for me of slowness and depression. I have been sleeping an average of twelve to fifteen hours a night and can't wait to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner. I want to stop the Seroquel and go it alone with the Lithium for a while. I understand that taking away the Seroquel is taking away the medication that was helping my depression but I would rather be depressed than take the medication that makes me so slow that I can't function. I've been on four different doses of it and I'm now back down to the dosage before the initial dosage that didn't work for me anymore so I say get rid of it. I will be open to suggestions on other medications that can do the same thing but I won't hear anything more on Seroquel.
Even though today was a not so great day for my mood I still had a little bit of a bright spot. I got my car running this evening. I had put a new alternator in it and had the old battery charged. When I put the old battery in it and tried to start it the battery would just discharge. So, I got a new battery thanks to my Mom and when I finally got it in the car it started right up. That was the only bright spot of the day because from sitting all summer the car has a bunch of other issues. The steering is very stiff and alternates between normal and stiff. The brakes are totally done for and need attention since they haven't been touched since 2006. Finally, the worst part of not being driven is that the car leaks gasoline. I drove it from my cousins house to mine and the car leaked out over a half tank of gas which is about 10 gallons.
My older brother had promised to help me get the car fixed a few weeks back but sort of backed out. He told me the goal was to get it up and running quickly so that I would have my own wheels. I feel a little betrayed and hurt as well. There have been times in the past where I lent my brother large sums of money and waited years for him to pay me back. The car needs a lot of work and at this point I don't know what to do. My Mom wants me to junk it and just let it go but I have this emotional attachment to it because it was left to me by my father when he died. I just hope it all somehow works out and I can be able to keep it.
Even though today was a not so great day for my mood I still had a little bit of a bright spot. I got my car running this evening. I had put a new alternator in it and had the old battery charged. When I put the old battery in it and tried to start it the battery would just discharge. So, I got a new battery thanks to my Mom and when I finally got it in the car it started right up. That was the only bright spot of the day because from sitting all summer the car has a bunch of other issues. The steering is very stiff and alternates between normal and stiff. The brakes are totally done for and need attention since they haven't been touched since 2006. Finally, the worst part of not being driven is that the car leaks gasoline. I drove it from my cousins house to mine and the car leaked out over a half tank of gas which is about 10 gallons.
My older brother had promised to help me get the car fixed a few weeks back but sort of backed out. He told me the goal was to get it up and running quickly so that I would have my own wheels. I feel a little betrayed and hurt as well. There have been times in the past where I lent my brother large sums of money and waited years for him to pay me back. The car needs a lot of work and at this point I don't know what to do. My Mom wants me to junk it and just let it go but I have this emotional attachment to it because it was left to me by my father when he died. I just hope it all somehow works out and I can be able to keep it.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Day 99 "Spent The Holiday Alone And Depressed"
Today I was able to get up in the morning and not feel sedated and foggy because of not taking my Seroquel yesterday. Like I've said before I'm not going to deviate from my treatment plan but yesterday I had to be alert and able to operate a car. In any event, today my mood was down all day. I just felt depressed and alone all day. Nobody from my family came over to my Mom's house today so it was just myself and her. She is still using a walker and is very depressed herself. Me and her both being depressed didn't mesh very well today.
Today in my mind is the end of summer and I feel like I missed out on everything. I barely went outside and haven't had very much want to do anything. My car has been broken down since the end of May and I haven't really had a way to get around anywhere. My older brother recently offered to get my car fixed for me because he has the means and said he wanted to do it but It's been almost two weeks now and I've heard nothing from him. In any event this summer has been the most difficult summer of my life and I'm so looking to fall.
I like to take pictures and fall is the perfect time for me to get some nice shots. I just love the cooler weather and all the changing colors. In late October my cousin rented a two bedroom cabin that we stayed in six years ago and has invited me to go along knowing that I can't afford to pay my way. I am so looking forward to getting away from home for a few days. I sure hope that my mood holds up so that I can have a nice time and get some great photos.
Here's a couple of photos of the cabin I will be staying at.
Today in my mind is the end of summer and I feel like I missed out on everything. I barely went outside and haven't had very much want to do anything. My car has been broken down since the end of May and I haven't really had a way to get around anywhere. My older brother recently offered to get my car fixed for me because he has the means and said he wanted to do it but It's been almost two weeks now and I've heard nothing from him. In any event this summer has been the most difficult summer of my life and I'm so looking to fall.
I like to take pictures and fall is the perfect time for me to get some nice shots. I just love the cooler weather and all the changing colors. In late October my cousin rented a two bedroom cabin that we stayed in six years ago and has invited me to go along knowing that I can't afford to pay my way. I am so looking forward to getting away from home for a few days. I sure hope that my mood holds up so that I can have a nice time and get some great photos.
Here's a couple of photos of the cabin I will be staying at.
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Day 98 "Mood OK But Lots Of Anxiety"
Today I was able to get up with no problems and have had no sedation or fogginess. This is due to me not taking my Seroquel last night. I'm not one about to go against my treatment but I had to be alert today and if I would have taken the Seroquel I wouldn't have been able to function. I probably would have ended up sleeping twelve to sixteen hours and I would have been a waste to myself and everyone else I needed to be there for today. My overall mood today was good and I felt stable. I'm going to continue taking the Seroquel tomorrow but will be seeing both my regular doctor and psychiatric nurse practitioner within the next two weeks and I want to get off Seroquel and try something different.
Today I did have a lot of anxiety the entire day because my uncle has a nodule on his esophagus that was biopsied this past week. In addition to the biopsy the doctor sent him for a CT scan of his chest and abdomen today. Nobody knows anything right yet but I have two thoughts. One, the doctor is trying to rule out cancer with this scan. Two, the doctor already knows the tissue sample he took from the nodule is cancerous and wants to see if it has spread. On my uncles paperwork from the doctor that he took to his scan today the doctor had wrote at the bottom something about esophagus metastasis in liver but used abbreviations. I'm the one who took my uncle to have his throat scoped last week and the doctor said they would be talking after the CT scan. I felt like he already new something when he made that statement.
After my uncles scan he wanted to go for a car ride. He likes to drive out in the country and look for deer. Well, tonight we left when it was almost dark. I think he just wanted to do something normal to get his mind off of what may or may not be happening. We stopped at a diner to get a sandwich as none of us had eaten yet. It was myself, cousin, aunt, and uncle. We all ordered sandwiches and it was for the first time that I saw my uncle unable to swallow. Food gets stuck on this nodule and a lot of times he'll throw it back up. He didn't throw anything up but I could see the fear in his eyes tonight. My uncle is going to be 82 years old next month and has always been the example of good health. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the nodule is benign and they can just remove it. However, if he's got cancer I will be there for him as much as he needs me. Next to my Dad he's a man I have a lot of respect and love for.
Today I did have a lot of anxiety the entire day because my uncle has a nodule on his esophagus that was biopsied this past week. In addition to the biopsy the doctor sent him for a CT scan of his chest and abdomen today. Nobody knows anything right yet but I have two thoughts. One, the doctor is trying to rule out cancer with this scan. Two, the doctor already knows the tissue sample he took from the nodule is cancerous and wants to see if it has spread. On my uncles paperwork from the doctor that he took to his scan today the doctor had wrote at the bottom something about esophagus metastasis in liver but used abbreviations. I'm the one who took my uncle to have his throat scoped last week and the doctor said they would be talking after the CT scan. I felt like he already new something when he made that statement.
After my uncles scan he wanted to go for a car ride. He likes to drive out in the country and look for deer. Well, tonight we left when it was almost dark. I think he just wanted to do something normal to get his mind off of what may or may not be happening. We stopped at a diner to get a sandwich as none of us had eaten yet. It was myself, cousin, aunt, and uncle. We all ordered sandwiches and it was for the first time that I saw my uncle unable to swallow. Food gets stuck on this nodule and a lot of times he'll throw it back up. He didn't throw anything up but I could see the fear in his eyes tonight. My uncle is going to be 82 years old next month and has always been the example of good health. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the nodule is benign and they can just remove it. However, if he's got cancer I will be there for him as much as he needs me. Next to my Dad he's a man I have a lot of respect and love for.
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