Day 99 "Spent The Holiday Alone And Depressed"

Today I was able to get up in the morning and not feel sedated and foggy because of not taking my Seroquel yesterday.  Like I've said before I'm not going to deviate from my treatment plan but yesterday I had to be alert and able to operate a car.  In any event, today my mood was down all day.  I just felt depressed and alone all day.  Nobody from my family came over to my Mom's house today so it was just myself and her.  She is still using a walker and is very depressed herself.  Me and her both being depressed didn't mesh very well today. 

Today in my mind is the end of summer and I feel like I missed out on everything.  I barely went outside and haven't had very much want to do anything.  My car has been broken down since the end of May and I haven't really had a way to get around anywhere.  My older brother recently offered to get my car fixed for me because he has the means and said he wanted to do it but It's been almost two weeks now and I've heard nothing from him.  In any event this summer has been the most difficult summer of my life and I'm so looking to fall.

I like to take pictures and fall is the perfect time for me to get some nice shots.  I just love the cooler weather and all the changing colors.  In late October my cousin rented a two bedroom cabin that we stayed in six years ago and has invited me to go along knowing that I can't afford to pay my way.  I am so looking forward to getting away from home for a few days.  I sure hope that my mood holds up so that I can have a nice time and get some great photos.

Here's a couple of photos of the cabin I will be staying at.

Click photo to enlarge.

Click photo to enlarge.

Day 98 "Mood OK But Lots Of Anxiety"

Today I was able to get up with no problems and have had no sedation or fogginess.  This is due to me not taking my Seroquel last night.  I'm not one about to go against my treatment but I had to be alert today and if I would have taken the Seroquel I wouldn't have been able to function.  I probably would have ended up sleeping twelve to sixteen hours and I would have been a waste to myself and everyone else I needed to be there for today.  My overall mood today was good and I felt stable.  I'm going to continue taking the Seroquel tomorrow but will be seeing both my regular doctor and psychiatric nurse practitioner within the next two weeks and I want to get off Seroquel and try something different.

Today I did have a lot of anxiety the entire day because my uncle has a nodule on his esophagus that was biopsied this past week.  In addition to the biopsy the doctor sent him for a CT scan of his chest and abdomen today.  Nobody knows anything right yet but I have two thoughts.  One, the doctor is trying to rule out cancer with this scan.  Two, the doctor already knows the tissue sample he took from the nodule is cancerous and wants to see if it has spread.  On my uncles paperwork from the doctor that he took to his scan today the doctor had wrote at the bottom something about esophagus metastasis in liver but used abbreviations.  I'm the one who took my uncle to have his throat scoped last week and the doctor said they would be talking after the CT scan.  I felt like he already new something when he made that statement.

After my uncles scan he wanted to go for a car ride.  He likes to drive out in the country and look for deer.  Well, tonight we left when it was almost dark.  I think he just wanted to do something normal to get his mind off of what may or may not be happening.  We stopped at a diner to get a sandwich as none of us had eaten yet.  It was myself, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  We all ordered sandwiches and it was for the first time that I saw my uncle unable to swallow.  Food gets stuck on this nodule and a lot of times he'll throw it back up.  He didn't throw anything up but I could see the fear in his eyes tonight.  My uncle is going to be 82 years old next month and has always been the example of good health.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the nodule is benign and they can just remove it.  However, if he's got cancer I will be there for him as much as he needs me.  Next to my Dad he's a man I have a lot of respect and love for.

Day 97 "Very Low SLow Day"

Today has been a very low slow day.  After taking my Seroquel last night around 8 p.m. I was finally ready to sleep around 2 this morning.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner says it should work in about three hours.  Well, it works on me in about five to six hours.  However, once it works I'm out for around twelve hours on average.  Today, I woke up after sleeping for twelve hours, was up for two hours, and then went back to bed for another four hours because I was just that sedated.  So I slept for sixteen hours and that's unacceptable.  Of the few hours that I've been awake I've felt very depressed and sedated.  The more I take this drug the worse I feel.

I've lost all faith in this drug and feel like it's caused me to lose the entire summer.  I'm hardly ever outside and have no desire to do anything.  All I feel like doing is nothing.  Isn't that the definition of being lethargic?  I don't have an appointment with my nurse practitioner until the middle of September but am going to try and be put on a cancellation list so that I can get in a little sooner.  I need to get off this drug and try something different.  I have this feeling she's going to try and fight me on it but I'm going to stick to my guns.  I'm keeping track of all the hours I sleep plus it's also a drug that could be contributing to my A1C number being so high.  It might not be the entire reason my A1C is so high but it could be a contributing factor. 

Anyway, this following week I'm going to be picking my nephew up three days a week from school and will have him for three to four hours a night.  He lives really close to a park that has a walking track and he's going to become my walking partner.  I promised him he could play on the playground if he promises to walk with me.  The walking will be good for me and hopefully help me to lose weight.  I also think letting my nephew play on the playground will help him to let off some steam.  Well, day 97 is close to being over and I hope that day 98 is much better!  

Day 95 & 96 " A Trip To The Emergency Room"

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post because I had to make a trip to the Emergency Room.  I had been having some abdominal discomfort for about the last three to four days.  At some times the discomfort was worse and I had planned to let my doctor know about it the day before yesterday but he had rescheduled my appointment and I never got the message.  I had blood work done four weeks prior to this appointment and was supposed to get the results so when I showed up for the appointment I asked for a copy of my blood work which showed that I have several problems with biggest being Diabetes.  I pretty much freaked out all that day and yesterday about that along with the discomfort in my lower abdomen and with all the medication I take for bipolar disorder I was really worried.  So I decided last night that I would go to the ER and get checked out.

When I got to the ER the wait to be seen was four to five hours.  During that period I saw a woman lose her husband and at that point I really felt a lot of anxiety.  What if the discomfort I was feeling was cancer?  After about two hours they called me back to get my blood drawn which took six attempts.  I didn't pass out but was so uncomfortable, the nurse was just about to get someone else to try, and finally hit a vein to get the blood she needed.

During my blood draw the nurse told me that she could see fear in my eyes.  I told her besides being being their for abdominal discomfort I was being treated for bipolar disorder and that this summer has been pretty much miserable.  She told me that, yes, I have a lot going on but that I need to cut myself a break and concentrate on fixing the problems one at a time.  She suggested that I start walking and that could have a positive impact on everything.  She told me to start slow and build myself up and at some point things would get better.  She told me I was a really nice man and that she really enjoyed talking to me.  I know that I've talked with my therapist about eating and exercising but talking to this nurse made me feel a little better about how I was feeling.  Thanks nurse Terri!

After my blood draw I went back to the waiting room and for another two hours until I was finally called back.  After being called back and given a bed by an over worked nurse I waited another hour before the doctor came in.  He was a very nice man and listened to what I had to say.  He said that the best course of action for me was to have a CT Scan of my chest and abdomen.  He also asked me for a urine specimen.  Within ten minutes I had given my urine specimen and was being scanned that only took about fifteen minutes.  Anyway, about another hour passed and the doctor came in and said everything looked good.  There was no problem with my urine, my CT scan looked good and my blood work was OK.  He said that the discomfort could be a number of things and that I should keep an eye on it and follow up with my doctor but to come back if it got worse.  Thank you Dr. Tim!

I got home at six this morning made breakfast, took my pills, and went to bed.  I had been up for twenty three hours without sleep.  After sleeping for nine hours I got up and ate dinner.  My mood this evening has been pretty good.  I still have discomfort in my lower abdomen and am making some changes.  This past week I have eaten a lot of nuts and I'm eating no more nuts.  I also usually drink 16oz. of water at a time and I'm reducing the amount I drink to 10oz. so that I'm not making my kidneys work too hard.  I'm also going to watch the amount of fatty foods I consume as well.  I don't know what the discomfort is but I'm going to do whatever I can to aleve it.  I will be following up with my doctor this coming week and I'm going to do everything to overcome this, the diabetes, and of course my bipolar disorder.

Day 94 "Those Who Have Money And Insurance Always Come First"

Today has been a low day for me again.  I don't feel well and I have no hope that I'm ever going to get better.  I went to the doctor this morning expecting to get the results of my blood work that was done in the end of July.  Well,  I got there and found out that my appointment had been cancelled and moved to Sept 11th.  I made note of it and asked if I could get a copy of my blood work results so that I could take them with me to my therapy session in the afternoon.

Well, I got my blood work in an envelope from the receptionist and I left.  When I got out to the car I opened them and started looking at the numbers.  I was shocked to see that my A1C number was 10.4%.  The A1C number measures your average blood glucose at all times during the previous 2-3 months.  Checking your blood with a meter only gives you a picture of what it is at that moment.  Average A1C numbers are anything between 4-6%.  Keeping your A1C number within the guidelines greatly reduces eye, heart, and kidney problems.

As I sat there in the car I got really upset and just cried.  It's like everything is happening all at once with me.  I then got angry at my doctor.  Why didn't he or his nurse let me know that my A1C numbers were high?  Why didn't someone at the doctor's office counsel me this morning?  I would have been happy to wait.  It all comes down to the fact that I have no insurance and no money.  There's not really anything in it for my doctor.  Years ago when I had insurance I would go get my blood drawn and then get the results the following week.  I've talked to some other people that currently have insurance and it still works that way.  It's a shame that things have to be like this.  I'm not asking for a handout I just wish I could get the same level of customer service.

I went to my therapy session this afternoon and my therapist got the nurse there to go over my lab work with me.  She told me that everything is reversible but that I'm definitely diabetic according to the A1C number.  She told me to stay away from sweets and eat more vegetables.  I don't have an appointment for two weeks so I'm going to look at the American Diabetes Association website and see if they have any meal plans.

Day 93 "Meltdown Mode Approaching"

Today my mood has been low all day.  My speech has been really slow and a little slurred.  I've also been crying a little here and there.  My cousin was with me this afternoon and is very concerned with my treatment plan.  She told me that I'm always sleeping and how do I expect to work a job when I can't stay awake.  I agree with her and am going to talk with my therapist tomorrow.  My cousin's concerns go along with my own concerns.  In the beginning they told me that I should consider applying for Disability now I'm being told that I could possibly be working withing in a few months with the help of someone who will help me rewrite my resume.  God knows I would love to hold a full time job and take care of myself but is two months a realistic time frame.  I agree with my therapist that I'm making improvements but those improvements don't necessarily mean that I'll be able to hold a job.

Today I've also had slight discomfort in my stomach that I think may be my appendix.  It's not a stabbing kind of pain but I can feel it when I move, breathe, cough, or move the wrong way.  I'm tempted to take myself to the hospital tonight but I have an appointment with my doctor in the morning.  I'm just about ready to lose my mind over this and my bipolar disorder.  I've had the most horrible depressing summer and if I my appendix has to be removed I feel like I'm going to flip out.  I just want to feel normal again and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Day 92 "I Want What I Want"

Today was an overall OK day!  I'm still mildly depressed and have no interest in doing anything I enjoy.  I have a really nice camera my parents gave me for Christmas five years ago and I've had it out twice this year.  I used to enjoy hiking and biking and I could careless if I do either one ever again.  I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.  Is it because I need another medication?  Is it because I need one of my current medications dosage changed?  Is it because I'm not working and haven't had a full time job in almost three years?  I don't know what the problem is but I would like to have some enjoyment in my life again.  The medications have helped me but is the way I'm feeling right now normal. 

My next concern is the medications and their effectiveness in controlling my ups and downs.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner said she would work until we found the right combination of medications to control my bipolar disorder.  All of these medications have side effects and I want to know at what point do the health risks outweigh benefits of the drug.  I see my doctor in two days and am going to find out if I need to be on pills for diabetes.  My sugar was borderline one month ago when I saw my doctor last.  This was about two weeks after I had started taking Seroquel which one of it's side effects is it can cause diabetes.  I also have developed high blood pressure in the last couple of  months which I think started when I began taking Lithium.  I was put on Lisinopril for the high blood pressure and that drug does not mix well with Lithium.  According to what I've read on the Internet Lithium doesn't mix well with any drug for blood pressure.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner told me before I went to see the doctor not to let him talk me out of Seroquel because the benefits outweigh the risks.  Well, shouldn't that decision be up to me?  I get my Seroquel for free from her and just wonder of she gets some sort of kick back from the drug company.

My final concern is that maybe I'm just being too hyper.  Maybe I'm working myself up to the point that I'm causing my own high blood pressure.  When I get stressed I like to eat and maybe that kind of eating is causing my sugar to be higher than it should be.  So I'm not exactly sure how to handle this whole situation.  I will be seeing my doctor in two days and talking to him about how I'm feeling.  That afternoon I see my therapist and will be talking to her about how I should handle all of this as well. 

I'm reading through all of what I just wrote and feel a little psychotic.  I feel like I'm going off the deep end.  It's a whole different feeling than the ups and downs I've been having.  It's crazy racing thoughts about wanting people to listen to me.  I just want what I want and that's to be stable and possibly get off some of this medication.  I haven't heard too many good things about any of the medications I take on a long term basis.