Day 94 "Those Who Have Money And Insurance Always Come First"

Today has been a low day for me again.  I don't feel well and I have no hope that I'm ever going to get better.  I went to the doctor this morning expecting to get the results of my blood work that was done in the end of July.  Well,  I got there and found out that my appointment had been cancelled and moved to Sept 11th.  I made note of it and asked if I could get a copy of my blood work results so that I could take them with me to my therapy session in the afternoon.

Well, I got my blood work in an envelope from the receptionist and I left.  When I got out to the car I opened them and started looking at the numbers.  I was shocked to see that my A1C number was 10.4%.  The A1C number measures your average blood glucose at all times during the previous 2-3 months.  Checking your blood with a meter only gives you a picture of what it is at that moment.  Average A1C numbers are anything between 4-6%.  Keeping your A1C number within the guidelines greatly reduces eye, heart, and kidney problems.

As I sat there in the car I got really upset and just cried.  It's like everything is happening all at once with me.  I then got angry at my doctor.  Why didn't he or his nurse let me know that my A1C numbers were high?  Why didn't someone at the doctor's office counsel me this morning?  I would have been happy to wait.  It all comes down to the fact that I have no insurance and no money.  There's not really anything in it for my doctor.  Years ago when I had insurance I would go get my blood drawn and then get the results the following week.  I've talked to some other people that currently have insurance and it still works that way.  It's a shame that things have to be like this.  I'm not asking for a handout I just wish I could get the same level of customer service.

I went to my therapy session this afternoon and my therapist got the nurse there to go over my lab work with me.  She told me that everything is reversible but that I'm definitely diabetic according to the A1C number.  She told me to stay away from sweets and eat more vegetables.  I don't have an appointment for two weeks so I'm going to look at the American Diabetes Association website and see if they have any meal plans.

Day 93 "Meltdown Mode Approaching"

Today my mood has been low all day.  My speech has been really slow and a little slurred.  I've also been crying a little here and there.  My cousin was with me this afternoon and is very concerned with my treatment plan.  She told me that I'm always sleeping and how do I expect to work a job when I can't stay awake.  I agree with her and am going to talk with my therapist tomorrow.  My cousin's concerns go along with my own concerns.  In the beginning they told me that I should consider applying for Disability now I'm being told that I could possibly be working withing in a few months with the help of someone who will help me rewrite my resume.  God knows I would love to hold a full time job and take care of myself but is two months a realistic time frame.  I agree with my therapist that I'm making improvements but those improvements don't necessarily mean that I'll be able to hold a job.

Today I've also had slight discomfort in my stomach that I think may be my appendix.  It's not a stabbing kind of pain but I can feel it when I move, breathe, cough, or move the wrong way.  I'm tempted to take myself to the hospital tonight but I have an appointment with my doctor in the morning.  I'm just about ready to lose my mind over this and my bipolar disorder.  I've had the most horrible depressing summer and if I my appendix has to be removed I feel like I'm going to flip out.  I just want to feel normal again and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Day 92 "I Want What I Want"

Today was an overall OK day!  I'm still mildly depressed and have no interest in doing anything I enjoy.  I have a really nice camera my parents gave me for Christmas five years ago and I've had it out twice this year.  I used to enjoy hiking and biking and I could careless if I do either one ever again.  I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.  Is it because I need another medication?  Is it because I need one of my current medications dosage changed?  Is it because I'm not working and haven't had a full time job in almost three years?  I don't know what the problem is but I would like to have some enjoyment in my life again.  The medications have helped me but is the way I'm feeling right now normal. 

My next concern is the medications and their effectiveness in controlling my ups and downs.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner said she would work until we found the right combination of medications to control my bipolar disorder.  All of these medications have side effects and I want to know at what point do the health risks outweigh benefits of the drug.  I see my doctor in two days and am going to find out if I need to be on pills for diabetes.  My sugar was borderline one month ago when I saw my doctor last.  This was about two weeks after I had started taking Seroquel which one of it's side effects is it can cause diabetes.  I also have developed high blood pressure in the last couple of  months which I think started when I began taking Lithium.  I was put on Lisinopril for the high blood pressure and that drug does not mix well with Lithium.  According to what I've read on the Internet Lithium doesn't mix well with any drug for blood pressure.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner told me before I went to see the doctor not to let him talk me out of Seroquel because the benefits outweigh the risks.  Well, shouldn't that decision be up to me?  I get my Seroquel for free from her and just wonder of she gets some sort of kick back from the drug company.

My final concern is that maybe I'm just being too hyper.  Maybe I'm working myself up to the point that I'm causing my own high blood pressure.  When I get stressed I like to eat and maybe that kind of eating is causing my sugar to be higher than it should be.  So I'm not exactly sure how to handle this whole situation.  I will be seeing my doctor in two days and talking to him about how I'm feeling.  That afternoon I see my therapist and will be talking to her about how I should handle all of this as well. 

I'm reading through all of what I just wrote and feel a little psychotic.  I feel like I'm going off the deep end.  It's a whole different feeling than the ups and downs I've been having.  It's crazy racing thoughts about wanting people to listen to me.  I just want what I want and that's to be stable and possibly get off some of this medication.  I haven't heard too many good things about any of the medications I take on a long term basis.

Day 91 "An Unexpected Occurance"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part.  I feel like I can function and get around without any trouble.  However, I have this constant feeling of mild depression that just won't go away.  I feel like I can't enjoy anything I used to like to do.  I basically have no hope for my future.  As a result I barely go out of the house and just sleep a lot.  I have tried to go on a couple of car rides with my cousin but I just can't enjoy myself as much as I would like too.  My therapist told me that stable for me might be a little on the low side and I may have to get used to that.  However, I feel my depression is lower than what she's talking about and will be discussing it with her when I see her this week.  As much as I don't want another medication I may need one to help me with this depression.

This evening I had a really nice visit with my older brother.  He approached me about helping me to get my car fixed.  As much as I don't want to be in debt to anyone I really need to get the car fixed.  It might raise my spirits knowing I have my own automobile to drive.  It hasn't been on the road since I started this blog.  He told me this would be between me and him and that he wants to get it towed this week to the garage.  So if all goes well I may be able to drive it in the next week or so.

After we were done talking about the car my brother got this serious look on his face and asked me if I believed everything that my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner were telling me.  I  explained to him that I made a timeline of my entire life and listed every little detail I could remember about my schooling, jobs, addictions, friendships, highs, and lows.  I told him that I took this 25 page timeline with me to my appointment and that I went through two long interviews.  So, my answer to him was yes.  I do believe the diagnosis I was given.  He told me he never realized I was having that tough of time.  My answer to that was that I kept a lot of information from everybody around me.  I told people what they wanted to hear and tried to show people what they wanted to see.  I wasn't all that good at that and just isolated myself a lot from my family.

I told my brother of the progress I've been making and that my therapist said that if I continue in the direction I'm going she's going to refer me to someone who can help me with my resume and getting a job.  I told him the timeline she's looking at is two months.  I'm a first for my brother when it comes to Bipolar disorder.  He's never had to deal with it and really didn't understand how it makes me feel until tonight.  It made me feel good for him to understand where I was coming from and that I'm not going to let this disorder define who I am.  He didn't say but I think he thought I was just going to let this disorder consume me. 

Day 90 "Three Months On Medications Today"

Well, today marks the 90 day point in my treatment with medications.  It has been a long three months with many ups and downs.  I still have a little bit of mania from time to time but it's not anywhere as severe as it was before beginning treatment.  Three months ago I was very hypersexual, I was very angry with everyone, and I felt like I was above everyone else and could do anything I wanted.  I didn't care about the consequences of my actions.  I was also starting to have mixed episodes and was having highs and lows at the same time.  I felt like I was on a roller coaster that was non stop, out of control, and I couldn't get off of it.

When I started medications I was put on Lithium 900mg and Klonopin 1.5mg.  In a matter of a week the mania I was experiencing was gone.  I was left with a deep depression.  All I wanted to do was be in a dark room, sleep, and cry.  I even had thoughts of death and suicide during this time.  I got a hold of my  psychiatric nurse practitioner and told her how I was feeling and she decided that I needed something for the depression I was having.  She chose to raise my dosage of Klonopin to 3 mg and put me on Seroquel XR 300mg which took me about a month to get used to because of the sedating effect it had on me.  After that month I was still having some problems with depression and she decided to raise my dose another 300mg to 600mg.  I was  on this dose for about three weeks and developed problems with my vision.  After talking to her about this she reduced my dosage of Seroquel to 400mg and that seemed to do the trick.   

The biggest problem for me now is getting used to all of these medications.  Once I go to bed they tend to sedate me and it's hard for me to wake up.  Even if I do get up at a descent time I feel like I want to sleep for the first four or five hours I'm up.  Other than that I'm starting to feel better.  However, I still feel like I'm missing out on life and feel generally depressed.  I feel like I can't have any fun doing anything.  I never thought in a million years I would feel this way.  I thought after being on medications for a month I would feel normal again.  Being prescribed medications for bipolar is sure different than being prescribed medications for depression.  I'm looking forward to becoming totally stabilized on this medication and feeling more in control.  I'm going to keep doing what I'm instructed to do and by Day 180 I hope to feel even better.

Day 89 "I'm Trying To Remain In Good Spirits"

Today I woke up and was a pretty good mood all day for the most part.  The new dosage of Seroquel still keeps me pretty sedated but my vision is much better.  I'm able to drive the car and see clearly.  I just hope it stays this way.  Anything else will be unacceptable.  The only problems I've encountered today have been the women in my family that try and run my life.  I don't ask anything of anyone or make anyone feel guilty the way these women do.  There's basically three of them and I'm not going to mention any names out of respect.  Oh, did I say respect?  It sure would be nice if they had some for me but instead it's just the usual strings attached.

I've been thinking a lot about being able to get a job the last two days since my last therapy session.  I can't wait to get out of this house everyday and earn my own money.  I'm sure I won't get a good job at first but if I could find something that could eventually turn into something better I 'll be happy.  I just can't stop dreaming about being able to buy my own car and have my own place to live.  My entire life I've dreamed of being on my own and able to afford a nice car, a nice place to live, and the ability to travel once in a while.  I just have to remain hopeful and optimistic as hard as that may seem some days.

Tonight my Mom wanted to eat out as usual because that's what makes her happy.  I of course didn't want to because I feel that I need to get healthier.  I currently am on blood pressure pills, thyroid pills, and I may end up on medication for diabetes.  The verdict is still out on me being diabetic but I know if I keep eating out and not following a diet I'm going to end up being diabetic for sure.  Anyway, we ate out tonight at Wendy's and I ate enough food for two people.  It's been over two hours and I'm still full.  I'm supposed to take my Seroquel on an empty stomach and I still feel so full that I can't take it yet.  Looks like another late night of being up for me!

Day 88 "Today Had It's Up's And Downs"

Overall today was a pretty good day with my Bipolar Disorder.  I went in many directions today, remained calm, and made no mistakes.  First off, I had to take my sister to her doctors appointment, drop her off, go get her son from school, and then go back and get her from her appointment.  The timing was remarkably good.  She was just getting done with her appointment when I got back to the doctor's office.  She decided that her and the kids would come back home with me to spend a little time with Mom.  I then had to take my my Mom's prescription's to the pharmacy and pick them up when they were finished.  While her prescriptions were being filled I had the oil in the car changed and picked up five bags of salt for the water softener.  After I got home I put all the salt in the softener and then went and picked up dinner for everyone.  After we ate I made a grocery list, took my sister and her kids back home, and then went and did the grocery shopping.  I ran today for almost nine hours and did alright.  I can't promise that my mood will always be like that but today it was OK.

There was only one thing that disturbed me today.  When I got back to the house with my sister and her kids I pulled the car in the garage and when my sister went to let herself in she could hear my Mom screaming out.  When we went in the house it took a few minutes to get my Mom's attention and wake her up.  The same thing has happened a number of times since the accident.  Yesterday when I got home from picking up my nephew from school my Mom was in a chair and talking about the accident and moving her hands around.  She kept talking about getting the babies out of the car.  I feel horrible for all of them but I'm beginning to think that they could use some counseling to get through this.  My little nephew doesn't want to talk about it at all and cried a little about it when I was taking them home tonight.  My little niece that just turned three just keeps talking about the vehicle being upside down.  It breaks my heart that their all having such a hard time.

I have my own stress and anxiety related to their crash as well.  The day that it happened I was sleeping and my cousin was at the house banging on my wall so that I would wake up.  When I came face to face with her she told me that I should sit down.  All I could think of was that my Mom had died.  I thank God she's alive as well as my sister and her family.  I'm not having any bad dreams or nightmares and have been sleeping well.  However, I keep having moments where I envision what life would be like if they would have all died.  In any event I'm going to look into some sort of counseling they could all go to together.  I think it would help them all cope with this a lot better.